Fun With Search Engines is still far behind where it needs to be, but I’m about to take a huge step towards rectifying that. Yes, it’s time once again for FWSE, the semi-recurring site feature where I review some of the keywords that brought visitors to this site. This Fun With Search Engines report is for the twenty week period beginning November 1st, 2009 and ending March 20th, 2010. As always, these are all real searches. Let’s go!

1. metroid taught me brains evil missiles – The quote you’re looking for is: “Samus taught us that a girl doesn’t need brains to be successful. Brains are giant, evil, and vulnerable to missiles.” It it from this article I wrote in 2006.

2. what supplements do porn stars take – Pineapple. Lots and lots of pineapple.

3. what the shit – Fuck if I know, bro. Fuck if I know.

4. destiny of an emperor syd lexia – Sadly, I have never reviewed Destiny of an Emperor and it didn’t make the 100 Best NES Games. It made my personal list, however, at #83.

5. friday the 13th game instruction booklet – Don’t die. Kill Jason. That’s pretty much it!

6. 1986 mcboo backet – Come on now! Seriously? “A” isn’t anywhere near “U” on the keyboard, so you can’t pretend it was typo. Learn to fucking spell.

7. scorpion mk spear – GET OVER HERE!

8. three minute video of brutal n’ beastly fucking – I think I need to pray: Lord Jesus, please stop sending idiots to my site. Love, Syd. Amen.

9. best place to buy nes games – You can get them from Russia really cheap. But if you aren’t satisfied and send them back, the Russian government gets really fucking pissed. Oh wait, that’s children. My bad.

10. smb the lost levels – That’s old news. All the cool kids have moved on to crystal meth and THIS.

11. real gamers should know – Let’s all get up and dance to a song that was hit before real gamers were born. Though they were born a long, long time ago, real gamers should know. Real gamers should know!

12. best sega megadrive games – I’m sorry, I live in AMERICA. And in AMERICA, that console is called the Sega Genesis. You should call it that too; we probably saved your country’s ass in World War II. That, or we bombed the fuck out of you. Either way, our name for the Sega system is better.

13. rape ayumi – Do not rape Ayumi.

14. bucky o’hare gives me a headache – That’s nice, but… I don’t care?

15. alicyn sterling is she dead – Not according to IMDB or IAFD. However, porn legends Juliet Anderson and Jamie Gillis died in January and February respectively.

16. make a cake for michael jackson game – Michael Jackson is dead. I don’t think he wants cake.

17. snes games that aren’t well known – Here’s one. It’s called Mo Hawk & Headphone Jack. It’s not very good:

18. cupcake truck – Jesus Christ, what’s with you people and cake?

19. worst games by nintendo – Everything that isn’t Urban Champion, Wii Music, or Mario Party.

20. you told me i could trust you ross – Oh, I know this one! The Tale of the Pinball Wizard.

21. listen to the 12 pains of christmas song – I am so fucking done with that song.

22. how to make love like a porn star – A comprehensive guide can be found HERE.

23. kil jor bos game – I have no idea what that fucking means. BOS is the abbreviation for the Red Sox, Celtics, and Bruins on scoreboards. But KIL and JOR aren’t abbreviations for any cities or teams I’ve ever heard of. If you’re the worst speller in the entire fucking universe, I suppose it could this search could be kill your boss game. There are several flash games around the internet based on this premise. But if you can’t spell “kill your boss”, the only person you should be killing is yourself. Your boss isn’t mean; you’re a barely literate fuckwit and should be grateful to even have a job.

24. people staring at a dragon – That doesn’t sound prudent.

25. meaning of i was high on life but eventualy i built up a tolerance – It’s a drug joke.

26. mcnugget buddies – toys shaped like food are cruel, cruel tricks.

27. pedobear – This guy?

28. sebastian from little mermaid – When I was little, I used to think he was super cool. Apparently I was retarded.

29. is there a game that is like real life and you can have a car and house and a boyfrined – Good question. Why yes, there is! I can show you how to play it, too. I can also teach you how to spell “boyfriend”. But first, I’m going to need to see some ID.

30. school of athens album cover – That would be Use Your Illusion I, and to a lesser extent, Use Your Illusion II.

31. zelda dating guide – That remains one of my favorite things that I ever wrote.

32. infinite magic combos instant win – Here’s a good one: Pandemonium + Aluren + Enduring Renewal + Broodhatch Nantuko. You could also use Mogg Maniac instead of Broodhatch Nantuko. If you need this combo explained to you, you probably shouldn’t be playing it.

33. mario bros. birdo hentai porn – You people are so fucking weird.

34. this is a neutral area. all acts of hostilities are prohibited in this area. if violated, you will be attacked – That was going to be the official slogan of the SydLexia.com forums, but it’s not quite punchy enough.

35. are they making a new super mario bros. 2 – Didn’t they? Isn’t that what New Super Mario Bros. Wii is?

36. old cereal – This search is from December 7th, 2009. The searcher must have been prescient. Maybe it was Almighty God Himself.

37. birthday images – Use this:

38. are you afraid of the dark – Mildly.

39. wich game on super nintendo is best – I believe you mean “witch”.

40. sydlexia for the love of god update your site more than once a year – This search was done on February 28th at 3:22 EST from the DSi web browser. This had to be someone from the forums or Facebook. I want a confession! It did make me smile, though.

41. super mareyo bros – You people are seriously trying my fucking patience.

42. homestar runner updates – Here’s an idea: GO TO THE FUCKING SITE AND SEE IF THEY’VE UPDATED.

43. lazy stupid and godless – I am none of those things. Well, maybe lazy.

44. sailing – I’m sailing… away. Set an open course for the virgin… sea.

45. sesame street days – I prefer the short-lived series Sesame Street Nights, where Bert and Ernie had their own detective agency and beat up drug dealers in their pursuit of the evil crime lord Hoots the Owl.

46. printmaster software dos – I did an article on this.

47. terrapin logo – I’m a fucking Logo master:

48. how much are my snes games worth – Not as much you hoped.

49. mega man 3 sucks – It sure does.

50. mario and peach doing it – I don’t know what it is.

51. top nes games – This is the most popular search on the site, so of course it gets included. Here’s your damn list.

52. deuterantagonist – Sadly, this isn’t a real word. But it looks like a real word, and it’s based on existing words. And in academia, you can make up your own words, so long as they serve a legitimate purpose and other people accept them. So the next time you have to write a scholarly paper on Transformers G1, refer to Starscream as the deuterantagonist.

53. popcorn – More like COP PORN, amirite?

54. most violent snes games – The original Mortal Kombat. You get to beat the sweat out of your opponents. That’s fucking HARDCORE.

55. monster party nes japan difference – The most important difference is that the Japanese version was never released and a complete version might not actually exist.

56. demotivational pics – I have never made a demotivational poster in my entire life.

57. castlevania simon – I love that game!

58. solution to tokimeki checkin – The solution is not to play it.

59. syd lexia – Hate him, hate him, wouldn’t want to date him.

60. fuck ass afraid women – Fantastic. Searches like this sure do make me proud I run a website. Oh well, at least it’s not another damn hentai search.

61. sly cooper hentai – DAMMIT!

62. mega man atomic fire suit images – Sorry, only one Mega Man image per FWSE. I’d like to help you out, but rules are rules.

63. adventure island eggplant – Did you know that Adventure Island is one of several NES games to prominently feature eggplants? If you’d like to learn more, consult this article.

64. why do irate gamer’s reviews suck – I barely watch any video reviews, so I couldn’t tell you.

65. kevin mccallister – Douche McCallister is better.

66. people eye-boy the moi – I have no idea what that means. It came from a Russian search engine, so we’ll probably never know.

67. i love you – Oh?

68. aladdin subliminal message – Good teenagers… TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES!

69. best snes games ever made – Oh look, the second most popular search on SydLexia.com Once again, here’s the damn list.

70. advice to keep girls pornstars – If you want to keep a girl in the porn industry, constantly berate her. Make her feel like she wouldn’t be good at anything else and that she’ll never be able to lead a normal life. Also, if possible, get her hooked on drugs. Cocaine is the obvious choice, but anything will do.

71. greatest snes games – Read our list.

72. list of every video game of the year – Which year?

73. how many levels does rodland have gameboy – 40 main stages and 4 boss battles, for a total of 44.

74. motley crue is band – They certainly are.

75. johnny carson wanted conan to replace him – Uh, no. Conan O’Brien was a 29-year-old nobody when Carson retired. Carson wanted Letterman to replace him.

76. i want to join club nintendo – So join it then.

77. geldra rolling thunder – GELDRA leader Maboo is amused by this search. Either that, or he’s chewing gum:

78. having a picnic in a graveyard – I’m dying to join you.

79. playsushi adware – PlaySushi’s site is filled with adware and worse. Stay the hell away from them and their bullshit.

80. make girls happy – Don’t be a douchebag.

81. where is nes games played – Um… on an NES?

82. what are some easy simple booby traps to set up outside – Easy there, Klebold and/or Harris. The FBI are on their way to your house as we speak.

83. what beam beats gravity man – Star Crash.

84. snes controller maintenance – Use it until it breaks then buy a new one on eBay.

85. necro critic – Necro Critic is a cool guy.

86. terminator 2 best scene ever – The best scene ever is the entire movie.

87. picture of a troll doll – Here:

88. wii games – I could use more Wii games.

89. hell and fire were spawned to be released – Disagree.

90. dio sucks – Dislike.

91. shit – Disgusting.

92. oregon trail – Dysentery.

93. annoying songs – Disturbia.

94. your site sucks – Dissed.

95. streets of rage – Great game. I reviewed it back in 2005.

96. super mario enemies – Super Mario’s enemies are just like America’s enemies: numerous and weak-willed.

97. goldie hawn – On February 15th, this was the fourth most popular keyword search on SydLexia.com. What the fuck?

98. professor utonium – I miss Powerpuff Girls. What a great show.

99. jodie sweetin lori loughlin – One of them has done meth. Lots and lots of meth.

100. erin e-surance anime porn fucking – Surprise! Okay, I’ve had enough of this bullshit. I’m outta here.
 

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      Well it’s been a long fucking time, but it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring site feature where I review some of the keywords that visitors to this site typed into Google, Yahoo, and whatever other dumb search engines they might use. This FWSE report is for the eighteen week period in 2009 beginning June 28th and ending October 31th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. pictures of michael jackson’s children – What are you, some sort of pedophile? Leave those kids alone.

2. how to do do mortal kombat fatalities – Ha, you said “do do”.

3. heathcliff cartoon lyrics – Heathcliff, Heathcliff, time for fun. Let’s eat some tuna and then play outside!

4. how do you finish impossible mission – You have to stop Dr. Atombender.

5. kara borden – Damn, I forgot all about her.

6. list of sexy japanese arcade shoot ’em ups – There’s nothing sexy about sprite art. If you get a boner from that stuff, you have serious problems.

7. poison look what the cat dragged in beatles let it be similarity – I’m glad I’m not the only one who noticed this. Replace facial hair with eyeliner and it’s the same damn album cover.

8. boy fucking his she cousin and aunt – I like that this guy specified “she-cousin”. It tells me that he tried the search previously with just “cousin” and ended up with gay porn.

9. epic fail – Someone searched for EPIC FAIL and SydLexia.com came up? I think I’m gonna fucking cry.

10. adrian nes pantyhose top list – I have no idea what this means, so I have no choice but to assume it’s a death threat of some sort. If I can decipher this cryptic message, I’ll know when and how the killer plans to murder me. If you can solve this puzzle, please e-mail me at Syd_Lexia@SydLexia.com.

11. best ever nds games – It’s a little early to be deciding the best Nintendo DS games ever. You know, because uh, THEY’RE STILL MAKING GAMES FOR THE FUCKING SYSTEM.

12. information of a normal man can fucks a girl in how many minutes – In porn, a standard fucking generally lasts 15-20 minutes. That’s a good baseline. If you can go longer, great. If you’re done in under 10 minutes, you’re inadequate.

13. magic 2010 prerelease card – It was Vampire Nocturnus. It seemed really cool when it debuted, and it is. All of the competitive post-Zendikar vampire decks run four of them.

14. what is the name of the episode where a boyfriend falls from the cliff are you afraid of the dark – The Tale of the Jagged Sign.

15. dudes fucking dudes – Can you describe the United States Congress in three words?

16. hard nipples movie scenes – There’s a pretty memorable scene in BASEketball. I can’t think of anything else off the top of my head.

17. 1986 mcdonalds halloween pails – These are they:

18. play snes super punch out online – Buy it, hoser!

19. picture of girl standing by woods and a ghost appears in the background – I don’t know if ghosts exist; I’m not going to rule it out. But I know that those fucking idiots on Ghost Hunters have never actually found one.

20. amber lynn – 1980s Amber Lynn was awesome. But these days, she plays the same sort of predatory character that her brother Buck Adams used to play until his untimely passing. And unfortunately, the uncanny similarities between her and Buck in both accent and demeanor in her newer scenes is a complete turn-off. Whenever I try and watch any of her recent work, I find myself constantly worrying that she’s going to suddenly have a dick and I have to shut it off.

21. is the dollars trilogy connected – No. Although Clint Eastwood appears to play the same character in all three movies, director Sergio Leone did not intend them as a trilogy.

22. sonic and bowser yaoi – What? No. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!

23. fuck on a giant trampoline – Someone would get hurt. Badly.

24. sydlexia cosplay pics – I don’t cosplay, and I don’t think I ever will. That’s not necessarily a judgment against cosplay, though. I’m just really lazy.

25. pumpkin bucket – That’s what I call your girlfriend when I fuck her. You should too, it really gets her going.

26. michael jackson is a great soul – THE SOUL STILL BURNS!

27. cartoon flying camaro doors – That would be MASK:

28. a boy and his blob – The recent Wii game is absolutely beautiful, it really is. It’s also really fun. But it lacks the open-ended puzzle solving and exploration that made the NES game such a cult favorite.

29. were there any people killed on prom night in 1956 – Absolutely. I can’t guarantee that any of them were teenagers who were planning to attend prom, though. But every night, somewhere in the world, at least one person is murdered. By way of inclusion, that means that at least one person is murdered every prom night.

30. how to fuck like a pornstar – Read this. It will be most helpful.

31. final fantasy nes how to upgrade characters – Go out into the world and kill monsters. This will give your guys experience points which will slowly increase their levels; it will also give you the gold you need to buy them better equipment. Oh, are you talking about class upgrades? To upgrade your characters’ classes, you must find the RAT TAIL and bring it to Bahamut.

32. aaron e surance naked – Who the fuck is Aaron Esurance?

33. best place to buy nes games – First off, there’s eBay. The world famous online auction site is a great place to pick up big lots of classic NES games at decent prices. The two main problems are that sometimes you get outbid and sometimes the shipping costs are fucking ridiculous. But on the plus side, if you buy from veteran sellers with high user ratings, you can rest assured that the games you’re getting will be in good working condition. The other option is Craigslist, or as I like to call it, The World’s Biggest Yard Sale. You can often get better deals on Craigslist, but it’s a lot more work. Also, a lot of sellers require a face-to-face transaction. So if your worst fear is getting stabbed and left to die in a basement next to a box full of NES games that don’t even work, Craigslist might not be the best option for you.

34. sydlexia – That’s my name. Google it early and Google it often.

35. i don’t know nickelodeon – It’s a popular cable channel that airs high-rated programming for kids, tweens, and to a much lesser extent, teens.

36. who sells laser beasts – Store and collectors who deal in vintage toys. Also, eBay. If you want something that’s no longer in production, eBay is always the answer.

37. can reptile turn invisible in mortal kombat 2 – Yes, he can. Below you will see a picture. I assure you that it’s not photoshopped. Don’t believe me? Read a damn FAQ.

38. beverly cleary pics – She’s 93 years old. All she can do is dial and yell.

39. put a blemish on my soul – I’d prefer not to.

40. syd lexia blob – You calling me fat, buddy? I may not have a 26″ inch waist, but I don’t think it’s fair to call me a formless blob of fat!

(At this point, I took a break from writing to eat an entire rectangular chocolate cake, the kind that is generally reserved for retirement parties. The kind that is supposed to feed 50 people.)

41. iphone – I am mostly happy with my iPhone. But the fact it still doesn’t support custom text sounds is fucking shameful. I should be able to use my ringtones for text alerts, and I should be able to assign different sounds to different contacts. My previous phone let me do this, and it was an ancient piece of shit.

42. best racing games – Any given incarnation of Mario Kart, any given incarnation of Burnout, and Micro Machines for the NES. Everything else is boring garbage.

43. how were nes games made – NES games came in a can, they were put there by a man, in a factory downtown.

44. fucking – I fucking swear too much. I need to fucking cut down. Fuck.

45. computer game mystery house – A true classic from the early days of PC gaming. I reviewed it.

46. joined – I can’t even begin to guess what the context for this search was. Is this some stupid New Age term for fucking?

47. poison concert tee – Here’s one I got at a show in 2006:

48. eggplant fucking video – Don’t play with your food!

49. fucking zelda in ocarina of time – PRINCESS ZELDA IS A SAINT!

50. best reviewed nes games – The best NES game I ever reviewed is Monster Party. I don’t know if that’s true… but I believe it.

51. larisa oleynik suicide – Hoax. Larisa is very much alive.

52. sad quotes – “Dance like nuns are watching. Sing like nuns are listening. And hurt like you’ve never been loved.”

53. how are the best n64 games – Oh man, they’re the best.

54. photos of animals – Your search “photos of animals” did not match any documents. Broaden your search by using fewer words.

55. purple hot rod joystick – That’s some sort of dildo, isn’t it?

56. movies – I like movies!

57. snes games that have zombies – Sorry, I can’t think of a single one…

58. zelda a link to love – Hey, that sounds like an article I wrote.

59. fucking oil mans picture – Somehow I doubt this person was looking for anything pertaining to Mega Man, but that’s what they found on my site.

60. space shooters – I prefer vodka shooters. Okay, that’s a complete fucking lie.

61. would porn star houston let me fuck her if I paid her – Hey now, show some respect. She’s a porn star not a prostitute! The difference is that prostitutes have sex for money whereas porn stars have sex for money ON FILM. See? Two completely different professions.

62.nes games with kung fu fighting in them – Well, first and foremost, there’s Kung Fu.

63. castlevania quote – WHAT A HORRIBLE NIGHT TO HAVE A CURSE.

64. tampons – Gross.

65. secret in the tip of the nose – I bet it’s boogers. Oh wait, Legend of Zelda. Not my favorite quote. Not by a long shot.

66. i hate steel panther – Then you are my sworn enemy. Death to all but metal!

67. funny relics from the past – You mean like Pogo Bal?

68. mad magazine issue 292 – Read my review HERE.

69. how do i win pirates nes game – Winning will require patience and an inherent sense of strategy. This search would seem to indicate that you have neither.

70. skeletons fucking – Skeletons don’t fuck; they bone.

71. greatest snes games – Read our list.

72. how much are celebrities paid to appear in sesame street – I am fairly certain they are not paid at all, aside from any travel expenses. I can only speak for the American incarnation though. Sesame Street appears on a network of government-funded television channels in the United States and is produced by Sesame Workshop, a non-profit organization. Celebrities generally appear on Sesame Street to please their children or grandchildren, because they believe in its educational tradition, or simply because they love the Muppets.

73. dark side we have cookies – This isn’t what you’re looking for, but read it anyway.

74. what weapon did jason use in friday the 13th – Trick question! Jason wasn’t in the original Friday The 13th! You won’t murder me the way they murdered Drew Barrymore!

75. D0 A9 D1 B1 D0 B5 D0 B8 D0 B3 D0 B6 D0 B3 D1 B0 D1 B4 – Musical notes?

76. counselor from salute your shorts – The counselor’s name was Kevin “Ug” Lee. He was played by actor Kirk Baily.

77. picture of a pile of crap – Here:

78. the game doesn’t start until you say yes – And vampires can’t come in unless you invite them.

79. neopets hentai – No.

80. what is the contra code – I’m not telling. But if you ever find out, try it on the main page.

81. stuff black people don’t like – I have no idea. But if I was black, I wouldn’t being regarded as having different hopes, dreams, goals, desires, fears, motivations, likes, and dislikes as people of other ethnicities.

82. kevin spacey christmas movie – Hopefully you’re thinking of The Ref. If not, fuck you.

83. pocky rocky sydlexia – It’s a great review, but I didn’t write it; Valdronius did. Read it here.

84. greatist new game ever – Even overlooking the obvious typo, this search is incomprehensible.

85. princess peach hentai – No.

86. top 100 nes games – Read our list here.

87. alex kidd miracle world the shower room – Immediately run to the other side of the room and punch your way through the barrier. If you hesitate when you first enter the room, leave. When you come back, the room will have reset.

88. dangerous stuff – Baking soda and vinegar.

89. fatality do scorpion do no mk1 – When expressed in proper syntax, this search would look like this: fatality + scorpion – mk1

90. rubber fetish ruined my life –
Pretty much all fetishes ruin your life. I could have told you that rubber fetish would ruin your life. I learned that when I was in grade school, from Ren & Stimpy. Sadly, I’m not joking.

91. kris fett real estate broker – The only Fett I care about about is Boba Fett, bounty hunter.

92. firefox – I don’t use Firefox, because I don’t like things that are popular and I’m a rebel who doesn’t do what others tell me. I learned to act this way from Rage Against The Machine. Ironically, I don’t even like Rage Against The Machine, because they’re popular and other people tell me I should like them. Also, Zack’s voice and lyrics suck. I guess that’s the probably main reason.

93. sydlexia 100th article – THERE IS NO 100TH ARTICLE AND THERE NEVER WAS. Oh wait, here it is.

94. bambi thumper mom saying if you dont have anything nice to say then dont say anything at all – This advice is complete fucking shit. If I couldn’t say anything negative about the stuff I review, I’d be out of work.

95. arcade games where you fuck – I stuck a quarter in your mom the other day, immediately before coitus. Does that count?

96. clay fighter best character – I have no idea. Are there even tiers for this shit? I was always very partial to Bad Mr. Frosty though.

97. how do you make a pb&j sandwich – Try magic words. I recommend: A la peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!

98. erin esurance porn – No.

99. erin esurance hentai – Again, no.

100. i want to fuck erin of e-surance – And we’re done. This took forever to do, and I’m still not caught up on FWSE. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to hang myself.
 

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      Now it’s time for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring site feature where I take a look at some of the keywords that brought hapless visitors to this website. This FWSE report is for the four week period beginning May 31st and ending June 27th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. nes worst rpg list fall – The top five worst NES RPGs are Hydlide, Hydlide, Hydlide, Hydlide, and of course, Hydlide.

2. albert pyun forum – Unlike Uwe Boll, Albert Pyun is a low budget director with heart and vision. His movies are rarely good by conventional standards, but they’re generally entertaining. I don’t know if there’s a forum dedicated to him, but you can talk about him on my forums. Brainsmasher is the best movie ever.

3. girls fucking random objects – Hmmm… no.

4. underappreciated nes games – Crystalis always springs to my mind as an NES game that was never as popular as it deserved to be.

5. japanese guy killed a bull with one punch – Big deal, I can take down a bull with one punch:

6. usa porno – There is absolutely no porn in USA. If there was, I’m certain I would have seen it, or at least heard about it. You generally have to go to Europe for that sort of stuff.

7. meet and fuck teacher cheats – There’s a game called Meet And Fuck Teacher? Why am I just now finding this out?

8. a-team board game – I totally reviewed that.

9. bear hugger super punch out – More like Bear FUCKER, amirite?

10. top 100 snes games – BAM!

11. nes games that nobody heard of – I don’t know; I haven’t heard of them.

12. itchy crotch before period – Uh yeah, about that…

13. how much space do centipedes need – As much as it takes.

14. sirron kcuhc dnif – Old joke is old… and retarded.

15. five green and speckled frogs – sat on a speckled log, eating some most delicious bugs. YUM YUM!

16. was there ever a super mario bros sequel – If you are inquiring about the live action movie from 1993, then no, there was never a sequel. If you are inquiring about the 1985 video game, then you are a fucking idiot.

17. photos of fatalities bodies still there – I’m guessing this isn’t a Mortal Kombat search. You’re a sick fuck.

18. how to beat friday the 13th nes – Like this:

19. would a boy do if they like you – Personally, I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that.

20. radio kaos – Meh. Amused To Death was way better.

21. watching your parents fuck – They have a name for that. It’s called the Eigth Circle of Hell.

22. syd lexia endings – Syd Lexia actually has close to forty different endings, and you’ll have to play through several branching storylines to get all the endings. Good luck!

23. heathcliff theme song lyrics – Here.

24. is link from legend of zelda a girl – No, but Sheik is.

25. joke about being on an island – So there’s a fat guy, an eggplant, and a couple of fruits…

26. quiz and dragons – I totally reviewed that, too.

27. where can i find the harp in dragon warrior nes – The Silver Harp is in Garinham. You will need two keys to get at it. You will also need to be prepared to fight a shitload of monsters.

28. erin esurance super naked fucking – How exactly does one become “super naked”? Fuck it, I’m outta here.
 

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      Now it’s time for Fun With Search Engines, the semi-popular site feature where I take a look at some of the keywords that brought SydLexia.com some much-needed traffic. This FWSE report is for the four week period beginning May 3rd and ending May 30th. As always, these are all real searches. Let’s begin…

1. earthbound bionic kraken – Your mom’s a bionic kraken.

2. centipedes how fast it moves – Centipedes are notorious speedsters within the insect kingdom, and they can reach velocities of up to 200 miles per hour.

3. hentai cartoon porn – FAIL.

4. syd are you afraid of the dark – Only when I’m drunk and sleeping alone. So uh, pretty much all the time.

5. bowser genitals – Here’s a diagram:

6. motley crue shout at the devil sales figures – I’m not entirely sure. I have a copy, and this other guy I know has a copy too. So that’s a minimum sales total of 2, which is better than most of Stryper’s albums ever did.

7. how to beat aran ryan in super punch out – If you think Aran Ryan is hard in Super Punch-Out, try fucking beating him in Title Defense mode in the Wii game. He’ll make you cry.

8. mortal kombat what if fatalities – What if I knew you what the fuck you were talking about?

9. combo no. 5 lyrics – Much like Mambo No. 5, Combo No. 5 was boring and stupid. It was also INCREDIBLY racist.

10. how to make sex like a pornstar – (answer on other side)

11. sydlexia revolution – My revolution will not be televised.

12. mega man scissors man – Scissors Man? Scissors Man!? HIS FUCKING NAME IS CUT MAN!

13. torture nipple or testicle or scrotum genital mutilation – Um, a nipple is not a genital. Let’s pretend that’s the only thing horribly wrong with that search…

14. aixel dys – Aixel Dys is my sworn enemy. He is also my polar opposite, and he comes from a parallel universe, kinda like Bizarro. Or NegaDuck.

15. do they make mario brother games anymore – This can’t possible be a serious question… can it?

16. i hate andross – Andross’ enemy is MY enemy!

17. простой вертолет в лего фото – In Soviet Russia, websites search for YOU!

18. nes game if you violate you will be attacked – The game in question is Bionic Commando:

19. what is the arnold schwarzenegger movie where his kids die – It’s his son and wife that die. And it’s Collateral Damage.

20. shooting range nes game – That would be Hogan’s Alley.

21. grapes of wrath summer reading project – My summer reading project for The Grapes of Wrath was to turn it into a book for children. If you steal my sick rhymes, I will killerate you. Peace!

22. fuck machines – What, like a Sybian? That’s gross.

23. mcdonalds halloween pumpkin buckets – Here.

24. sydlexia best game of all time – I’m entirely sure it’s possible to pick one single video game as the best one of all-time. If I had to though, I’d most likely pick either Pong, Pac-Man, or Space Invaders. All three helped push video games into the mainstream, all three inspired numerous rip-offs, and all three are still played today.

25. safari game where you must avoid being raped – That would be Taito’s 1982 classic Jungle Hunt:

26. nes quotes every gamer should know – This is one of the ten most popular features on my site.

27. smash tv sounds mp3 – Looking for voice clips from the game? Good luck. You’ll need it!

28. erin esurance sexy pics – Don’t worry, she’ll do an FHM cover eventually.
 

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      It is time yet again for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring site report where I take a look at some of the words that visitors to SydLexia.com typed into various search engines. This FWSE report is for the four week period beginning April 5th and ending May 2nd. As always, these are all real searches.

1. fucking a grandmother – Well, this is a FANTASTIC start.

2. a-team rape face peck – I can only assume this was a search for homosexual A-Team fanfiction featuring the violent rape of Templeton “Faceman” Peck. I can also assume that you really ought to slit your fucking wrists. Please and thank you.

3. play legend of zelda dating game – Why not just play A Link To The Past? It may not be a dating game, but it’s a game based on dating.

4. how to beat friday the 13th on the nes – …kill Jason?

5. kano transformation – I’VE NEVER SEEN A KANO TRANSFORMATION.

6. mcdonalds happy meal starring – You almost had a complete thought there. Keep trying!

7. arcade game chainsaw grim reaper decapitate – You’re probably thinking of Time Killers.

8. how do I get extra lives in super mario bros. 2 – You can either pull them out of the ground in certain places, or win them from the slot machine using coins you pull out of the ground in the “dark” world.

9. best places to sell nes games – eBay.

10. maniac mansion list of commands – Well, if you weren’t completely fucking blind, you’d see that Maniac Mansion, like all games built on the SCUMM engine, provides you with the full list of commands along the bottom of the screen.

11. mega man is too fucking hard – Try harder, you fucking wuss.

12. the tale of the crimson clown – Whatever you do, don’t piss him off.

13. how do I do a fireball in street fighter – SUPER FAIL.

14. nintendo ever made list – Has Nintendo ever made lists? Yes, they have. Back in the good old days, Nintendo used to list the top selling games at the end of every issue. They’ve done other lists, too. In issues #196-200, they did a list of the 200 best games every to grace Nintendo consoles, with forty games per issue. It was cool.

15. 321 contact basic training – 3-2-1 Contact Magazine was badass. I threw out the magazines long ago, but I still have a shitload of the “Basic Training” sections in a box up in the attic. Here’s one I scanned in for my Summer Cleaning Crapstravaganza. Enjoy.

16. sly cooper hentai – Absolutely not.

17. best snes games – Here.

18. how to beat a boy and his blob – I believe we’ve been over this before. Like this:

19. umk3 scorpion – That’s a pretty vague search. What specifically did you want to know Scorpion’s appearance in Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3? How to do his special moves? Fucking ask him yourself. He’s on Facebook.

20. sydlexia.com – There’s this thing at the top of your web browser called an address bar. LOOK INTO IT.

21. real online mario world – “Real” and “online” are antonymns. Never forget that.

22. illegal robot baseball – If robot baseball is outlawed, only outlaws will have robot baseball teams. Or maybe only outlaw robots will play baseball? I forget. Hypotheticals are confusing.

23. watch arnold movie junior – For the love of God, do not EVER watch this movie.

24. lexia for kids – SydLexia.com, Syd Lexia, and all related indicia are most decidedly unsuitable for children. Syd Lexia is to be used only by persons ages 18 and up, and is harmful if swallowed.

25. soda popinski quotes – I always found this one pretty weird:

26. hammerin’ harry – I reviewed the arcade game back in December 2004.

27. gremlins – Best. Christmas. Movie. EVER.

28. esurance girl nude – Gee, didn’t see THAT coming…
 

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      Now it’s time for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring site feature where I take a look at some of the keywords that brought people to SydLexia.com. This FWSE report is for the three week period beginning March 15th and ending April 4th. As always, these are all real searches. Let’s begin…

1. can aural sex damage you in any way – Is this a serious question? Why in the hell would you ever let someone stick a dick in your ear? In order for it to fit, that’s gotta be either really big ear or a REALLY narrow dick. Either way, you’d probably need lots of lube and it would most certainly damage your ear. Please don’t ever try that.

2. 100 best snes games – It just occurred to me that the previous searcher may have meant “oral” instead of “aural”, so I’d like to change my answer. The answer is still yes, but only if the person giving you oral sex uses their teeth.

3. sydlexia wiki – The SydLexia.com wiki doesn’t see anywhere near as much action as it deserves. Much like its owner, most of the wiki’s action comes from cheap Asian whores.

4. impossible mission checkerboard room – I think I read something about that somewhere.

5. how do you get to the moon pearl on zelda for the super nintendo – Figure it out yourself.

6. fatalité de scorpion mortal kombat – EN ANGLAIS, S’IL VOUS PLAÎT!

7. ff6 epic – Final Fantasy VI is epic in every way possible. My good friend Valdronius wrote a poem about it.

8. food forum – THERE IS NOT – NOR WILL THERE EVER BE – A FOOD FORUM ON SYDLEXIA.COM!

9. neopets faerie hentai – No one actually plays Neopets. Therefore, no one cares enough about it to make Neopets hentai. Also, for the millionth time, hentai is fucking dumb.

10. gay big cock hard video violence women girl shemale without condom – I threw up a little bit when I saw this. I probably should have thrown up more, but I try not to discriminate against people based on sexual orientation.

11. what ever happened to colleen haskell – See above.

12. now it is the beginning of a fantastic story – Let us make a journey to the cave of monsters!

13. nes games that let you choose your boss – Sorry, there weren’t any work sims released for the NES.

14. mega man3 wav files – Who the fuck still uses WAV files?

15. monster rape games – No.

16. bad ending blaze fielding raped – Can we please stop with the rape? It’s not cool. And I’m quite certain nothing like this ever happened in the Streets of Rage games.

17. dumb guy stuck in video game – I prefer Fat Guy Stuck In Internet.

18. unblockable porn – Recycled Magic: The Gathering joke FTW:

19. laugh – That sounds like Bowser’s laugh!

20. is there a name of a video game that’s called ball – Yes. The very first Game & Watch handheld system was simply called Ball.

21. erin esurance nude live hentai fucking sex – Screw you guys, I’m going home.
 

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      It is time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring site feature where I take a look at some of the things that visitors to the site typed into various search engines. This FWSE report is for the three week period beginning February 22nd and ending March 14th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. what are some good ds games – When selecting a DS game for purchase, as yourself this: Is Lisa Kudrow personally endorsing this game? If the answer is no, you’re good to go.

2. rolf eriksson ebay – I have no idea how this pertains to my site in any way, shape, or form. Apparently Eriksson is an important government official in Sweden, but I had never heard of him before now and I have no idea how he relates to eBay. But if you are looking for stuff that he is selling on eBay, maybe you should have started your search on eBay instead of Yahoo.

3. the jaquio – The Jaquio is a nice guy.

4. gun that fires underwater – Why the fuck would you ever need that? You planning to kill Aquaman or something?

5. virtual fisting game – Gross.

6. poisin for cats – You should be giving cats poisson, not poison. Also, you should learn how to fucking spell.

7. is there a way to put snes games on snes – Is that a question? Is that even a complete thought?

8. top 100 van nintendo – Again, I have no idea what that means. Are there 100 vans out there with custom Nintendo artwork drawn on them? If there are, I bet they’re driven by 100 guys who aren’t allowed with 500 feet of schools.

9. aika – From the SydLexia.com forums? Pretty sure we accidentally killed her. I always hit harder than I intend to…

10. coolest robot masters – Ice Man and Blizzard Man. You see what I did there?

11. naked peach – Why would a peach have clothes on? That’s crazy talk. Go away, crazy.

12. runaway robots happy meal – I love those guys:

13. how do i beat the mini game in super mario bros. 2 – The slot machine? Well see, the thing about the slot machine is that IT’S A FUCKING SLOT MACHINE. It’s mostly luck, but if you have quick eyes and quick fingers, you can line up a win. The main game isn’t all that hard though, so you really shouldn’t waste too much time trying to win extra lives. Just mash through it and hope for the best.

14. should have been easier by three – Our old friend fear and you and me? Glycerine? Glycerine?

15. key in transylvania ducktales nes – When the game sends you to Transylvania to find the key to the mines, jump into the first mirror you see. You’ll find the key.

16. the apprentice season 2 – The Apprentice sucks.

17. names of cartoon characters on heathcliff – Try this.

18. gals panic porn – You’re right, gals definitely panic when they see porn. They scream and run in the opposite direction and never talk to you again. Oh wait, you’re probably talking about the retarded arcade game:

19. dr. tebor – The only Tebor I know isn’t a doctor. He’s a Skeletor.

20. can michael jackson move as good as he used to – Probably not.

21. erin esurance fucked really really hard – And that’s a wrap.
 

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      Now it’s time for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring site report where I take a look at some of the keywords that brought vistors to the site. This FWSE report is for the seven week period beginning January 4th and ending February 21st. As always, these are all real searches.

1. dust cleaner fucks suit man – As best I can figure, this search is intended either to find pictures of a businessman fucking a french maid or pictures of a businessman shoving a dustbuster up his ass.

2. heathcliff cleo sex – Heathcliff hentai? No one should…

3. how to draw a racing car on msw logo – There are many different ways to draw a race car; there are many different solutions to this problem. Why don’t you fucking figure it out yourself?

4. mortal kombat create a fatality – Never, and I mean NEVER, mention Kreate-A-Fatality in my presence. That bullshit single-handedly ruined Armageddon.

5. best snes games ever – SPOILER: A Link To The Past is #1

6. prisoner – Best show ever. RIP Patrick McGoohan.

7. demons – We all have some. Lord knows I have mine.

8. nes games top quotes – These NES quotes aren’t necessarily the best ones, but they’re all ones you should know.

9. pussy – Try Craigslist.

10. kung law fatality – You’ve combined Tekken’s Bruce Lee rip-off and Mortal Kombat’s hat thrower into one super character. If Mortal Kombat didn’t already have a Bruce Lee rip-off, this would be an awesome idea.

11. instructions on how to make booby traps – Dear Mr. Klebold and/or Harris, please take your lithium immediately. Please do not shoot up your high school.

12. where i can download konami classic aliens arcade game from – I’m sorry… did you just refer to Konami’s Aliens game as “classic”? You have just made a powerful enemy, you bastard.

13. mega man 1 sucks – Lies! But Mega Man 3 sucks.

14. hudson adventure island level 7-4 spiders – If you think 7-4 is tough, just wait until you get to 8-3…

15. bet snes games – Wouldn’t you rather bet money?

16. secret illegal drug smuggling operation – THERE IS NO SECRET ILLEGAL DRUG SMUGGLING OPERATION.

17. does anyone know the nes game where you collected balloons in a maze – Both Gumshoe and Balloon Fight’s Game C have you collecting balloons, but neither one takes place in anything any normal person would consider to be a maze. So my guess would be the bonus round from Mappy:

18. mcdonalds halloween smooshees – What the fuck is a smooshee?

19. witch tits island – I hope to God this isn’t the name of a new reality series.

20. how to talk to a boy about his rape – If the boy was the one who got raped, have him talk to Detective Benson. If the boy was the one did the raping, have him talk to Detective Stabler.

21. watching kids fuck – So help me Jesus, I will get Detective Stabler in here if I have to. Munch and Finn too. That, or I could just publish your IP: 60.50.136.33

22. pop culture sucks – I will fucking cut you. I won’t cut you as deeply as that last guy, but I’ll cut you nonetheless.

23. greatest ness games ever – That’s easy, Earthbound and Super Smash Bros. Melee. I suppose you could put The Untouchables on that list as well, if you really want.

24. actraiser won’t work – Did you try blowing into the cartridge to clear the dust out? If you don’t have an actual cartridge and this is an illegal ROM of the game – and we both know it is – trying running it in a different emulator.

25. let me remove the eggplant curse – No, I don’t want to! I’m okay, I’ll figure it out myself. But they just keep bugging me! THEY JUST KEEP BUGGING ME AND IT BUILDS UP INSIDE.

26. friday the 13th games to play and killing in it too – Doesn’t it kinda go without saying that a Friday the 13th game would have killing in it?

27. mortal kombat stryker sucks – You better fucking take that back, you motherfucker. Kurtis Stryker is my close personal friend and he does not suck at all. In fact, I host his home page.

28. will link ever have a relationship in legend of zelda – Of course not, because the poor guy doesn’t know how to talk to girls. Hell, he doesn’t even know how to talk. I know Miyamoto thinks that Link’s lack of dialogue is supposed to make the gaming experience more personal, but I’ve thought it was a little awkward.

29. super mario bros 2 sucked – Neither of the games known as Super Mario Bros. 2 sucks in any way, shape, or form.

30. streets of rage hentai blaze rape – I hope you accidentally end up on malware sites and get your identity stolen.

31. troll – There was a time when the troll doll I photographed for my Spring Cleaning Crapstravaganza was one of the most popular anti-trolling images on the web. It’s possible that it still is, but since it has been reuploaded to sites such as the ones here and here, I have no way of knowing for sure. And since it’s not helping my traffic rating anymore, I really don’t care.

32. sex fuck brutal sadist death – Why don’t people ever use nice words on the internet?

33. water in microwave maniac mansion – Bad idea.

34. onechanbara – I’ve been playing the fuck out of this on the Wii. It’s mindlessly violent and violently mindless. It’s also a pretty good time.

35. x-rated arcade games – I hear that your mom will do just about anything except DVDA, and she takes quarters. Does that count?

36. bullshit – Couldn’t you say “baloney” instead? It means the same exact thing and it doesn’t make Baby Jesus cry.

37. nes puzzle game with falling blocks – Hmm…. this question is tough. Really, really tough. I will research this further and hopefully I will have an answer for you by the time I publish FWSE #136.

38. rosland capital gold – Their official spokesman is Watergate mastermind G. Gordon Liddy. That oughta tell you everything you need to know.

39. how are safety zones and guards used in the lab – Read your textbook, asshole.

40. nes baseball robots – That would be Base Wars:

41. he fuck his girlfriends sister and her aunt – I would guess this is either from Maury Povich or a manga… maybe both.

42. charlotte – is Flair Country.

43. removing an evil spirit from a negro – Um… what?

44. creepy sesame street videos – Here.

45. amyrose sucking sonics dick until sperm – Thank you for that lovely image. (I hope you die.)

46. megaman mega man – Does whatever a mega can?

47. reach out and touch faith – SydLexia.com has it own personal Jeebus.

48. shout at the devil is scary – Maybe if you’re a Quaker… or five years old.

49. erin esurance hardcore sex – That’s my cue to leave.
 

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      It is time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the semi-popular site feature where I show you some of the keywords that brought visitors to the site. This FWSE report is for the three week period beginning December 14th and ending January 3rd. As always, these are all real searches.

1. sly hentai – Cooper or Stallone? YOU FAIL EITHER WAY.

2. what we learn from are you afraid of the dark – I did an article or two on that. Maybe five.

3. how many syd lexias are there – Only me as far as I know, and if I find any fucking imposters, I’ll fight to them to death.

4. guy underwater jacking off – About that… NO.

5. fucking turtles logo – This search intrigues me? Was the person searching for a logo that featuring turtles fucking? Was he or she searching for a turtle-based logo that pissed them off so that they often referred to it as “that fucking turtles logo”? Or were they simply mad at the Logo programming language and its turtle cursor? We may never know.

6. 1986 happy meal red plastic box – That’s a McDonaldland TV Lunch Box. It debuted in 1987 in select test markets, and was reused in 1988 on a national scale. It came with stickers.

7. what are the best nes games – Fuck if I know!

8. muppet christmas movie with doll – That would be The Christmas Toy, a TV special from 1986. It was awesome. Both this and another Muppet special, Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas were two of my favorite holiday movies when I was little.

9. christmas is a waste of fucking money – I disagree. I enjoy buying stuff for other people.

10. the queen – I hear she’s dynamite with a laser beam.

11. christmas eve fucking – But then Santa won’t come! Well, unless you’re fucking Santa. You know what, let’s forget I even said that, because that’s awful. Christmas is about innocence and purity and candy canes and unicorns, not cheap thrills and vulgarity. People, just say no to Christmas fucking. Ladies, don’t give up your special spot on Christmas Eve. And gentleman, if you feel the need to validate your manhood, do it by buying your special lady a really expensive present, not by inserting yourself in her.

12. a fighting game where you can cut off limbs – How about Time Killers?

13. what happens if you beat super mario bros the second time – You get the exact same ending you got the first time:

14. naked ladies – I like those! You like those too? WE SHOULD HANG OUT!!!

15. tom green battles aliens in a movie – I hope he loses. Badly.

16. bart anal game – Those are three words I never expected to see together, nor did I ever want to. In all fairness though, an anal game starring Bart Simpson probably wouldn’t be noticeably worse than most of the other Simpsons video games.

17. are you afraid of the dark chlorine – No. I’m not afraid of the light chlorine either.

18. choose your own adventure cave of time – That was one of two articles that Dr. Jeebus wrote for the main site before starting his awesome blog.

19. loose weight and ride the elevators – I’d love to, but it’s fucking impossible to get a copy of Wii Fit right now.

20. alex the kidd in miracle world bad guy name – The bad guy is called Janken the Great. Also, the protagonist is called Alex Kidd, no “the”.

21. erin esurance hentai – Always save the best for last!
 

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      Now it’s time for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring site feature where I take a look at some of the keywords that visitors to SydLexia.com typed into various search engines. This FWSE report is for the two week period starting November 30th and ending December 13th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. weirdest scenes in hollywood movies – Watch some David Lynch.

2. underage drug use pictures – Um… no.

3. erin esurance xxx porn – Sounds good.

4. david and kara beth – That’ll be the name of the Lifetime movie. It will be written by me, produced by Encyclopedia Dramatica, and directed by Penny Marshall. It will be TV-MA.

5. sydlexia finishing moves – Unfortunately, I am not currently in MUGEN and thus I do not have any finishing moves. I have a moveset in mind, but until I find a decent sprite artist willing to donate their time, you will not be able to use me in 2D combat.

6. can someone tell me what the best 60s christmas movie is – That would be Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol:

7. buying nes games – In Soviet Russia, NES games buy YOU!

8. board game where you move your pieces to opponent’s base – Once such board game is Centipede. It is a suprisingly good adaptation of the arcade game and I highly recommend it to board game enthusiasts, if any such people still exist.

9. alex kidd miracle world prototype – Are you looking for THIS?

10. ernest scared stupid troll – Let us never speak of this movie or this search ever again.

11. posters that are demoralizing – All the posters on my forums are demoralizing. Just kidding, I love you guys.

12. polly shannon hot – She sure is.

13. how to clean a koosh ball – With a douche, y’all.

14. arnold schwarzenegger movie with toys that come to life – I love that movie! I believe it was called Nothing Like This Fucking Exists, Maybe You Should Lay Off The Fucking Crystal Meth.
 

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      After well over two months of the news section being fucked up, it is finally time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring site feature where I take a look at some of the keywords that brought visitors to the site. This FWSE report is for the giant period of time starting on September 14th and ending November 29th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. why don’t link and zelda ever end up together – Haven’t you ever seen the cartoon series? They don’t end up together because Link is arrogant and boastful. Let that be a lesson to all you ballers out there.

2. punny names – I don’t understand what this has to do with my site.

3. homo arcade game – I covered this game in my 2007 article Fifteen Misleading Arcade Game Names.

4. samus aran handjob animation – …and we’re already into hentai searches. Fantastic.

5. how to make a pentagon in logo – In Logo, the angle used to make an equilateral polygon is decided is 360/X where X is the number of sides that the polygon has. Since a pentagon has 5 sides, the correct angle would be 72 degrees. Thus, a good example of an equilateral pentagon could be made with the following command:  REPEAT 5 [RT 72 FD 35]

6. where can I buy a blob – From the first shop in the original Legend of Zelda:

7. santa claus fucking carmen – If we’re talking about Carmen Sandiego, she has no interest in having sex with real live men; that’s why she stole the North Pole.

8. the most imitated nude site – It’s whoever was the first site to do that whole “These Are Real Girls We Picked Up Off The Streets And Not Paid Actors, We Swear, Even Though You’re Going Them On A Similar Site Next Week. You Can Tell It’s Not Professional Porn Because We Use Sloppy Camera Angles.” I believe the first such site was either NetVideoGirls or MILF Hunter.

9. well known snes games – If they’re well-known, shouldn’t you know them?

10. pac man life site sydlexia.com – This remains one of my most popular articles.

11. dr. jeebus wakefield – Dr. Jeebus does indeed hail from Wakefield, Massachusetts. However, he doesn’t live here anymore.

12. centipede diagram – I hope this helps:

13. demoralizing posters – You can see a bunch of demotivational posters, including some designed by me, HERE.

14. mortal kombat nudalities – These do not exist.

15. did the n64 have a super scope – Of course not; the Super Scope was the proper name of the official SNES light gun. The real question is this: did the N64 have a light gun? The answer again, would seem to be no. A company called Naki announced plans to release an N64 peripheral called the Lunar Gun in November 1997, but as far as I know, it was never released. If it was, good luck finding it, let alone a game that’s compatible with it. Had the Lunar Gun been released, it was to have retailed for $39.99. Its optional laser sight add-on would have been $34.99.

16. bryan danielson has no charisma – I have no idea who that is, but I agree!

17. young girls who beg their brothers to fuck them – Oh internet, how I hate you. It’s stuff like this that makes me wish God would smite our society.

18. drinking old pepsi – Drinking old Pepsi is a bad idea. I should know.

19. sydlexia will soon be mine – Is that a threat, or are you coming on to me? Either way, I’m a little worried about this search.

20. stunt dawgs cartoon t-shirt – I don’t know where to get Stunt Dawgs merchandise, but I totally want some.

21. lewis carroll zodiac killer – This is an interesting theory. Let’s take a look at it more closely. The Zodiac Killer claimed his first victim in 1968; Lewis Carroll died in 1898. So yeah, I don’t think that Lewis Carroll was the Zodiac Killer. It is also unlikely that he was Jack The Ripper, but some scholars insist that he was.

22. singing orange from sesame street – You can see that and seven other creepy Sesame Street clips in my feature on how Sesame Street ruined my entire fucking life.

23. down the basement lock the cellar door – and baby, talk dirty to me.

24. why does the nes suck so bad – It doesn’t. YOU suck.

25. avoid the noid – You should. He’s fucked in the head:

26. nudity in arcade games illegal – Nudity in arcade games isn’t illegal and several notorious adult-themed arcade games exist, most notably the Gals Panic series. However, the mainstream arcades of the 1980s and early 1990s didn’t dare to stock such games, as they already received plenty of trouble from perturbed parents and angry activists over the truancy their addictive arcade games caused and the violence contained within said games. Stocking such games would also have potentially forced arcade owners to make their establishments 18+, severely hurting their profitability.

27. a momentary lapse of reason review – Hey, remember when I used to do album reviews?

28. black guy punches clown – Why does he have to be black? Punching clowns is something that people of all colors and ethnicities can enjoy.

29. how to kill the bear alex the kidd miracle+world – Run up to him as soon as you see him and punch him over and over. If your time it properly, he won’t get a chance to swing his sword.

30. guns end roses – Yes they do. But aside from Hi-Tech Expressions version of Mega Man 3, you really don’t see it happen all that often.

31. mcdonalds halloween buckets – Despite being two years old, my article on the McDonald’s Halloween Pails did fantastic traffic this October.

32. kara beth borden – You know, if it wasn’t for Encyclopedia Dramatica, I don’t think anyone would even remember Kara Borden.

33. rape ayumi don’t rape ayumi game – The game featured in the famous demotivational meme is called Tokimeki Check-In.

34. smoke comes to fight now and his first move is a bloody uppercut in johnny cage – I’d say this search sounds like bad fan fiction, but that would be redundant.

35. which mega man game was the best – Some people will tell you that Mega Man 2 was the best; they’re wrong. Mega Man 3 was the best.

36. how to pronounce mephisto – It’s pronounched meh-FIST-oh.

37. heathcliff cat rhyme – One, two, Heathcliff’s coming for you. Three, four, better lock your door. Five, six, get a catnip fix. Seven, eight, shut the gate. Nine, ten, never sleep again.

38. mortal kombat deception moves list – The game has a moves list built into it. Press Start during a match to access it. That, or go to GameFAQs.

39. earthworm jim hentai – Worms are hermaphroditic, so accurate Earthworm Jim hentai would be pretty fucked up. Like, moreso than regular hentai.

40. what film did not have arnold’s voice in it – If we’re talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger, the film in question would be Hercules in New York. The director was so frustrated with Arnold’s accent, that he dubbed some other guy over all of Arnold’s lines. Luckily, he preserved the original voice track, and the DVD release of the film gives you the option of listening to either Arnold or the dub; both are equally hilarious.

41. kidnapped kids ninja nes – That would be Wrath of the Black Manta:

42. mega man 1 beat 8 robot masters – There are only six Robot Masters in the original Mega Man, so good luck trying to beat eight.

43. unblockable porn sites – “There are no unlockable doors. There are no unwinnable wars. There is no unpoppable corn or unblockable porn.” – Ozzy Osbourne

44. vgcats hentai – Thankfully, I’m pretty sure the internet has not yet reached the point where bored amateur artists are turning webcomics into hentai.

45. are you afraid of the dark trapped in a mall – That would be the final episode from Season 1, The Tale of the Pinball Wizard. I wrote an article on it.

46. rosa parks hentai – Um… seriously? I think this wins the award for MOST AWFUL INTERNET SEARCH EVER.

47. mindfuck – Ok, so a long time ago, three super hot lesbians decided to rent a room at an inn. The innkeeper told them that it would cost 30 GP for a room at the inn. Being lesbians, they agreed to split the bill evenly. Shortly after the innkeeper gave them the key to the room, he realized he had made a terrible mistake: he had forgotten that the inn had changed its rate from 30 GP to 25 GP. Unable to leave the desk himself, the innkeeper gave the 5 GP to his stable boy and told him to bring it to the three girls. The stable boy, realizing that 5 GP doesn’t split evenly among three women, pocketed 2 GP and gave the remaining 3 GP back to the girls. However, this causes a serious mathematical problem. You see, each girl ended up paying 9 GP for the room, for a total of 27 GP. The stable boy pocketed the remaining 2 GP. However, 27 and 2 only adds up to 29, and the girls originally paid 30 GP. So then, what happened to the missing piece of gold? OH MY GOD, IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE!!!

48. board games are better than video games – I disagree.

49. day of the dinosaur t-shirt – I have that shirt! It hasn’t fit me in damn near 20 years!

50. heathcliff the cat for president – Cats can’t be president, especially cartoon ones. Especially cartoon cats animated in Japan. Especially when both the creator of the comic strip (Peter Gallagher) and the character’s voice (Mel Blanc) are dead.

51. penis – Yell it in the lunchroom as loud as you can.

52. best nes games – I’ve got you covered.

53. 100 greatest snes games – I’ve got you covered on that, too.

54. super mario bros second quest – It’s exactly like the first quest, except the elevators are shorter, there are more spinning fire sticks in the castles, and the Goombas have all been replaced with Buzzy Beetles.

55. sun water moon star sun moon water fish star fish – That’s the solution to the final room in Alex Kidd in Miracle World.

56. homemade wife’s christmas fuck present – I bet there’s a “No Exchange, No Return” policy on that.

57. power rangers episodes – I prefer psychotic episodes.

58. you’re something of the most important in my fucking life – Thanks?

59. sly cooper porn – You know, it’s kinda funny. I get a lot of searches for Sly Cooper hentai, but I have not ever played a Sly Cooper game in my entire life, nor do I ever plan to.

60. gorilla hand ashtray – That sounds pretty badass. I’m gonna take up smoking so that I have an excuse to get one.

61. pepsi secret ingredient – The secret ingredient is love, dammit!

62. i don’t know – Me either!

63. hillary clinton chocolate chip cookies – I’m pretty sure I asked for pecan sandies.

64. salute your shorts – I’d rather not.

65. best christmas films – Here’s my list.

66. arcade game where you had to dodge sparx – That would be Qix:

67. nes space shooter – Abadox? Gradius? Life Force? The Last Starfighter? Star Force? Star Soldier? Star Star Who’s Got The Star?

68. michael jackson moonwalker arcade game – I love that game.

69. iggy – Pop or Koopa?

70. how can i thank god enough for you – Send me money.

71. axl rose chinese democracy – Chinese Democracy is currently available at Best Buy and on iTunes. Buy it!

72. best christmas love story – Little Christmas Tail starring Debi Diamond, Angela Summers, and Alicyn Sterling.

73. revolution x – MUSIC IS THE WEAPON!

74. you said you didn’t want to hurt me – Yeah, well, I lied.

75. november rain – For some indeterminable reason, there were a lot of searches for this last month.

76. erin esurance nude hentai fucking – You knew it was coming.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      Now it’s time for Fun With Search Engines, that thing where I comment on some of the keywords that brought visitors to the site. This FWSE report is for the three week period beginning August 24th and ending September 13th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. skeletor motivational poster – Skeletor has way too much motivation. I mean, the guy NEVER wins and he refuses to give up. There’s a fine line between resilence and complete stupidity, and Skeletor, you have crossed it.

2. the greatest yugioh dress up shagging games – How about this: dress up like Yu-Gi-Oh, then go fuck yourself.

3. how to get to the pleasure dome in smash tv – Eh, it’s not all that great:

 
4. nes strategy game – I recommend North & South.

5. aerosmith’s november rain video – EPIC FAIL.

6. www.donkeyshow.com – SUPER EPIC FAIL.

7. grandmothers getting fucked in the ass – SUPER MEGA EPIC FAIL.

8. mega man iii sucks – Assuming we’re talking about this version, it certainly does. Otherwise, YOU suck.

9. maria lutzke masturbates – I’m willing to bet she hasn’t since that private webcam video got leaked in 2004. And not just because she probably has no problem finding dates. No, it’s probably because it’s difficult for her to enjoy doing it after the scandal.

10. bomberman hentai – I can’t even begin to fathom how Bomberman hentai would work. Bomberman and some Charaboms, maybe? *shudder*

11. ghost – BOO!

12. link and zelda having fun – How about this:

 
13. mega man robot master weaknesses – Real men use the Mega Buster on everyone.

14. what snes game should I play first – Start at the beginning, Super Mario World.

15. centipede video game – The board game wasn’t bad either.

16. game with cute bears as secret agents on phone – I’m not convinced this is a real game. I think maybe you’re high on peyote.

17. how to really fuck with someone – Tell him you’re into wife-swapping, then frame him for the murder of your wife. This may or may not have been the plot of the movie Consenting Adults.

18. best christmas movies – Jesus Christ, it’s not even Halloween yet!

19. wikipedia nes hentai – This is just a guess, but Wikipedia is probably not the best place to go for hentai. Or maybe it is, I don’t know. I’ve never really looked for hentai, so for all I know Wikipedia is just teeming with naughty pictures of Sailor Moon.

20. peppercorn ranch sun chips – Not a fan of Sun Chips.

21. erin esurance naked sex fucking – Well, at least it’s not another donkey show search.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      It is time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the popular site feature where I take a look at some of the keywords that vistors to my site typed into various search engines. This FWSE report is for the four week period beginning July 27th and ending August 23rd. As always, these are all real searches. And away we go….

1. must have nes games – That was the best John Cusack movie ever.

2. salute your shorts characters – If my memory serves me correctly, there was Sponge, Donkeypunch, Mumbly Joe, Stinky Pete, Gilligan, and the rest.

3. it’s a trap – It certainly is.

 
4. you tyop fuck man and girl – I’ll take the girl, assuming she’s of legal age. Tyop can have the man. Sorry man, but since it’s my site, I get first pick.

5. kara beth borden – Kara Borden took her phone and snuck out of her parents’ home. When they found what she had done, her boyfriend killed them with a gun.

6. detective robert goren – I prefer Detective Mike Logan. And now he’s gone. Fuck you, Dick Wolf.

7. green flying aliens are they real – I don’t know. Call in to the Coast to Coast AM radio show and ask George Noory. If you’re really lucky, maybe Art Bell will be hosting.

8. cereal smells like cardboard – So does your face.

9. whomp ‘em – In Soviet Russia, ‘em whomp YOU!

10. i’m just soggy from the chemo – I’m soggy from being immersed in milk.

11. sigourney weaver’s tits in galaxy quest – As I recall, the rest of her body was in that movie too.

12. how to beat bald bull the fucking cheater – Bald Bull is wicked easy. You suck.

13. peach gives mario a blowjob – Not unless he gives her a shitload of coins.

14. mistress helga – Kerri Hoskins is awesome.

 
15. amber lynn – Please retire, kthx.

16. camp lazlo yaoi – Gayest. Search. Ever.

17. nintendo games list – List of Nintendo Games (Incomplete):

            Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
            Totally Rad
            Operation Wolf
            Super Spring

18. ronald mcdonald fucking wendy – I got a better idea: me fucking your girlfriend. Oh wait, you’re searching for burger-related hentai. YOU DON’T HAVE ONE.

19. kill your idols – In Soviet Russia, your idols kill YOU! Actually, that’s a pretty fair portrait of Stalinism.

20. i want genesis roms – In Soviet Russia, putting three Yakov Smirnoff jokes in one FWSE is hilarious instead of lazy!

21. game where you walk around and get a skateboard – There’s not really any walking in any Tony Hawk games, so I’m gonna go with Adventure Island.

 
22. slurp – That’s the sound your mom makes.

23. megaman all bosses – You know, I’d like to explain my response to #22, in case you didn’t understand it. See, slurp is the sound your mom makes when she swallows. Semen, that is. After doing stuff to my penis. With her mouth. Makes sense, right?

24. best nes game overs – Being as I’m a helpful guy, here’s the complete opposite of what you wanted: Bullshit NES Endings!

25. official space channel 5 hentai – I could be wrong here, but I’m pretty sure there’s no official Space Channel 5 hentai.

26. superman – More like BORINGman, amirite?

27. alexx the kid sega – Clearly you mean THIS.

28. erin esurance nude – Big surprise.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      Now it’s time for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring site report where I comment on some of the keywords that brought visitors to the site. This FWSE report is for the six week period beginning June 15th and ending July 26th. As always, these are all real searches. Let’s begin…

1. alex kidd in miracle world scissor head – Actually, his name is Scissors Head. There’s a screenshot somewhere in this article that proves it.

2. wavebird taken apart – Hey asshole, instead of taking your Wavebird controller apart, why don’t you send it to me, Syd Lexia? I need two more.

3. you’ve got a lot to learn before you beat me – The hell I do! You’re a fucking pussy. (Yes, yes, I know it’s from a damn video game.)

 
4. tia carrere vs asia carrera – Both of them are pretty hot, but Tia Carrere wins. There’s something really sexy about a girl who you haven’t already seen with one or more dicks inside her.

5. i’m feeling lucky – Really? Why? DON’T YOU KNOW YOU’RE DEAD!?

6. nothing lasts forever – SydLexia.com will last forever. I guarantee it.

7. dragons fucking girls – NO.

8. all megaman bosses – Mega Man only has one boss, Keiji Inafune.

9. you watch sesame street as an adult just to see the count – That’s not true at all. I also watch to see Cookie Monster, Oscar, and Elmo. And Big Bird. And Grover, on the rare occasions that they decide to use him. Oh, and Snuffy. Truth be told, I fucking love all the Muppets on Sesame Street. Well, except bullshit newer ones like Zoe, Baby Bear, and Rosita. I hope they all get raped and killed. Especially Baby Bear. But ESPECIALLY Rosita.

10. what is the weirdest animal – The weirdest animal… IS MAN!!!!!

11. kara beth borden – Really? Still? People are still fascinated with thise case? I really need to become an accessory to murder so I can be an internet celebrity too.

12. zelda fucks link – I don’t think they’re fucking. If they were fucking, they’d have at least one kid by now. I mean, Christ, it’s been 20+ years.

13. mario fucks peach – See above.

14. i’m batman – I’ll phrase my answer in the form of a Final Fantasy IV screenshot:

 
15. syd lexia stinks – He sure does.

16. slut getting fucked by 3 disk at the same time – Fuck you and fuck your techno-hentai.

17. wizard fred savage torrent – Just buy the damn DVD. It’s awesome.

18. jeebusfnchrist – That’s my brother’s AIM screenname, not that he’s ever on it.

19. joe and mac caveman ninjas – I love that game.

20. mothers who are fucking – Lots of mothers are fucking, especially the ones who got pregnant at 16.

21. snes game with frogs – Battletoads in Battlemaniacs?

 
22. guitar hero metallica – I sure hope Unforgiven III is in the game!

23. forums negative experiences with jews – Get the fuck off my site, you worthless fucking Stormfront.org piece of trash. The most prominent follower of Judaism on my forums, The Flying Jew, has increased the awesomeness of said forums tenfold.

24. prequels are underrated – Rarely is that true. The video game Resident Evil Zero, however, was most definitely underrated.

25. randy dandytoes – Randy Dandytoes, you signed up for my forums. You even sent me a message. But then you never posted. That made me sad.

26. i want to fuck erin esurance so bad – Get a fucking life.

27. females in hard hats – Dude, that is a seriously fucked up fetish.

28. where to buy caffeine free pepsi – …at your local supermarket? Seriously, where the fuck do you live that Caffeine-Free Pepsi is such a rare commodity that you have to fucking Google it to find out more information about it?

29. when is a new mario game going to come out – Jesus Fucking Christ. Mario Galaxy just came out last November, and you’re already whining for a NEW Mario game? You’re an impatient little fuck, aren’t ya?

30. teeth movie – Teeth is a fantastic fucking movie. I highly recommend it to anyone who likes horror movies, vaginas, or horror movies about vaginas.

31. sirron kcuhc dnif – In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris finds YOU!

32. dodge the grim reaper in alex kidd – Be Quick Or Be Dead.

33. maniac mansion how do u get package back from ed – You can’t. You need to get the package before Ed gets it, then give it to him. There’s no reason you should ever need it back from him.

34. bubble bobble endings nes – This is the best possible ending in the NES version:

 
35. tmnt ii the arcade game play as splinter – That’s totally possible and it so not some bullshit lie that one of your idiot friends told you. Also, there are nudalities in Mortal Kombat 2.

36. clarissa explains it all – She never explained to me that there’s no cure for herpes… or that she had it.

37. the a team game – The board game? Check it out here.

38. syd lexia sorry i’m dead – You don’t need to apologize to me. I don’t even know you.

39. every nintendo game – has its thorn.

40. erin esurance nude – Yes, I really do get enough Erin Esurance searches that I need to bring her up twice in the same FWSE.

41. velociraptor mask – You really need a full body costume to be a velociraptor.

42. amy rose hentai – MOAR HENTAI! AWSUM!!!!!!!!

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      It’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the site report where I take a look at some of the keywords that visitors to the site typed into search engines. This FWSE report is for the week beginning June 8th and ending June 14th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. watch boiling point mtv online – Here’s a better idea: go fuck yourself. MTV sucks.

2. afshaal from arabian magic – Afshaal was an entrant in the 2006 SydLexia.com Character Battle. He was defeated by Valdronius.

3. mk1 skorpion – Believe it or not, not every word in the Mortal Kombat Extended Universe™ uses K’s instead of C’s.

4. greatest snes game of all – According to Whitney Houston, learning to love yourself is the greatest SNES game of all… or something like that.

5. rolling thunder leila tortured – The Leila torture scenes in Rolling Thunder were never considered an adequate substitute for actual porn, largely because you can’t beat off in an arcade.

 
6. hentai sex up the ass shit comes out – BARF.

7. i fucked my fourteen year old sister – If you’re the searcher at IP address 64.136.27.229, you’ve just won a fabulous prize:

 
8. would you survive a xenomorph encounter – Yes I would.

9. i refuse to even touch a video game – Well, then SydLexia.com probably isn’t a website you’d enjoy.

10. erin esurance naked – In the words of Darth Vader, “NOOOOOOOOOO!”

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      Now it’s time for Fun With Search Engines, the reccuring site feature where I take a look at some of the search terms that brought visitors to the site. This FWSE report is for the five week period beginning May 4th and ending June 7th. As always, these are all real searches. Let’s begin…

1. gigyas in earthbound rape hentai – Well, looks like we’re already off to a great start…

2. what is a bootleg arcade game – A bootleg arcade game in any unlicensed reproduction of arcade boards, ROMs, and/or chips manufactured by another company. Many bootleg arcade games also feature code alterations that change the gameplay. For example, the abilities to throw fireballs while jumping and block while jumping were first introduced into the Street Fighter series in a Street Fighter II bootleg.

3. sonya blade’s ass – Yeah, Sonya’s ass is pretty hot. Just look at it:

 
4. yo noid sprites – I’m sorry, what? I’m still thinking about Sonya’s ass. Man, those are some hot pixels. Especially at 4X magnification.

5. what happens to a girl’s vagina when she falls in love – Um… nothing? But when a girl gets sexually aroused, her vagina lubricates itself.

6. Hudson’s Adventure Island – Adventure Island rules. It’s also the first NES game I ever reviewed for the site.

7. erin esurance getting fucked – In Soviet Russia, Esurance fucks YOU! No wait, that’s what happens in America.

8. maniac mansion endings – Valdronius wrote a great article on some of the ways that Maniac Mansion can end. Most of them involve death.

9. syd lexia – I fucking love that guy.

10. fuck my friend while she sleeps – Okay, but only if she tells me ahead of time that she’s into it. I refuse to get tricked into raping someone… again.

11. koosh tennis – Koosh Tennis rules.

 
12. is link from legend of zelda really a girl – No, but the character Sheik, who first appeared in Ocarina of Time, is really Zelda in disguise. Maybe that’s what you’re thinking of. That, or you’re just a fucking retard.

13. how teh internet works – Easy. Like this.

14. how to defeat grumple gromit – Get the lightning bottle, then shoot lightning bolts at him until he dies. The number at the top of the screen indicates how many hitpoints he has left.

15. greatest snes games – Once again, here’s the list.

16. movies that have anything about christmas in them. – Christmas Ape. Also, Christmas Ape Goes To Summer Camp.

17. porn stars named jill – Jill Kelly is the only one worth mentioning:

 
18. mario nad sonic – I love typos.

19. mortal kombat secret fatalities – Back in the days before home versions and GameFAQs, all the fatalities were secret. Now none of them are.

20. how to clean a troll doll – Use a toothbrush and pay special attention to the ass crack. You’re gonna want to massage that ass crack for a good 15-20 minutes.

21. mcdonalds halloween buckets – I have a bunch of those things. A plethora, even. Check it out.

22. heathcliff and cleo fucking – Heathcliff and Cleo NEVER fucked. Heathcliff fucked Sonya; Cleo fucked Riff-Raff.

23. nikki cox uses too much collagen – She certainly does:

 
24. cosplay – is retarded.

25. what position should i be in to do umk3 fatalities – Missionary.

26. are my red rose tea figurines worth anything – No.

27. duck tales transylvania secret treasure – There two secret treasures in DuckTales are hidden in the African Mines and on the Moon; there isn’t on in Transylvania. There is, however, an extra hitpoint hidden in the level. From the start of the level, go right until you get to the first rope. Climb up it. When you get to the top, go right and keep going right until you come to what appears to be a solid wall. Walk through it and you’ll find a treasure chest on the other side. Open it for a permanent hitpoint.

28. sirron kcuhc dnif – You don’t find Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris finds you.

29. video game emoticons –

30. a really nice ass in tight sweatpants – Didn’t we already cover this?

 
31. sydlexia best genesis games – Sorry, that doesn’t exist… yet.

32. peach rapes bowser – That’s even worse than Bowser raping Peach.

33. affective response art – Hey, let’s read a slightly edited version of a paper Syd wrote for a high level university philosophy course. His former professor, Dr. Robert Innis, would be proud. Maybe.

34. let’s play mickey mousecapade – Let’s not.

35. best nes games – I wouldn’t know anything about that.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      It is time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the ever popular site feature that dies and then comes back again, kinda like Jesus… or herpes. This is where I take a look at some of the search terms that brought visitors to the site. This FWSE report is for the six week period beginning March 23rd and ending May 3rd. As always, these are all real searches. Here we go…

1. arnold’s best movie – Batman and Robin! Oh wait, you said BEST.

2. top 100 site list – Heh, SydLexia.com only shows up on Top 100 Site lists in my dreams.

3. sydlexia image dump – Indeed, I do have an image dump.

4. link to the past game genie code for hammer – CHEATER CHEATER CHEATER! Also, there doesn’t seem to a Game Genie code that gives you the hammer. However, the code AEA8-D4FA will let you move vertically through any obstacle.

5. really good snes games – You might find some here.

6. nes game with two soldiers – What the fuck, dude? Could you be any more vague? Since the only two player NES game where you play as soldiers that I like is Contra, I’m gonna say Contra. It’s probably not Contra though, because everyone knows that Contra fucking rules.

7. what type of music does hulk hogan like – Rock, especially classic rock.

8. what robot master are you – If you’re between the ages of 13 and 20, then YOU ARE CUTMAN. Go cut yourself, you emo bastard.

9. james bond movies jumped the shark – That’s a hard claim to make. The original Ian Fleming novels were very pulpish in nature and they only sold because they were filled with sex and exploitative Cold War violence. So when the source material is rather cheesy, it’s hard to criticize the movies for being even cheesier. But cheesy or not, Bond is still awesome. Well, except in The World Is Not Enough… that was boring as hell.

10. g-rated movies where the mom and dad fuck – Uh… WHAT?

11. 8 ball of cocaine – Where do I sign up?

12. zelda bushes – I really hope this search was referring to the bushes in A Link To The Past and not something dirty and gross.

 
13. scientology mission to mars – Oh please. Scientology can’t even make a decent movie, so I seriously doubt they can successfully send people to Mars.

14. jokes involving fat people but in a good way – Well, there’s that popular internet meme with the fat kid in a t-shirt that says “I BEAT ANOREXIA”.

15. whats the point of friday the thirteenth nes game – It’s survival horror. The point is to keep at least one counselor alive, protect at least one camper, and reduce Jason’s life total to zero on all three days.

16. cartoon cat lived in a plane in a junkyard – That would be Riff-Raff.

17. best vagina ever – I’m not in the business of rating vaginas. If you really want to find the “best vagina ever”, you’ll have to check out RateMyVagina.com and see which vagina has the highest rating. Sadly, this isn’t a joke; RateMyVagina.com is a very real site.

18. cyveillance – They’re all bark and no bite.

19. How a scorpion moves – Um… it has legs?

20. mutoid man scarface – What is Smash TV? I’ll take Video Game Bosses for $800, Alex.

21. sindel and scorpion fucking mk hentai – I bet that Sindel doesn’t like having her hair pulled.

22. rapper with a creepy child voice – The Horrorist, maybe?

23. i hate boss battles – Then go play Brain Age.

24. sid lexia – Sid Lexia isn’t a clever name at all.

25. interesting stuff about vigina on a map – That’s either a slight misspelling of “vagina” or an embarrassingly bad misspelling of “Virginia”. Either way, it’s a dumb search.

26. play nes monopoly for free – Play real Monopoly, it’s a lot less tedious.

27. brinks scare tactics – The Brinks Home Security commercials are a prime example of scare tactics. No one is going to attempt to rob your house in broad daylight, let alone when you are home. However, just because Brinks presents grossly atypical burglary situations in their commercials doesn’t mean that a home security system isn’t a good buy.

28. season 6 – Of what?

29. superbook forums – There is no television show that deserves its own forum less than Superbook.

30. can christianity and evolution coexist – The short answer is yes. If you want the longer version, ask the pope.

31. james comron aliens – A note to all directors, both current and aspiring: if you stop making movies, people will stop caring about whether or not they came anywhere close to spelling your last name correctly.

32. i hate alex vincent – That’s okay, I hate Vincent D’Onofrio.

33. what does orange mean in the small blob – I don’t understand the question.

34. larissa oleynik suicide – Larisa Oleynik is not dead. She’s also not married, which is awesome. From my perspective, anyway… I don’t know how happy she is about that.

35. the long fatality code – That sounds like a film noir.

36. why do americans hate bollywood – Americans don’t hate Bollywood. Hell, most Americans don’t even know what Bollywood is. I do think, however, that most Americans familiar with Bollywood do find it to be incredibly silly and trivial. But disrepect and condescension are both very different from hatred.

37. can’t open garage door in maniac mansion – Use the Hunk-O-Matic a couple of times. It’s in Cousin Ted’s room.

38. how to beat bubble bobble – Defeat the Super Drunk!

 
39. i have the pussy i make the rules – Only if you’re Blofeld.

40. what are the best nes games – The best NES games are the ones you fondly remember playing back in the day.

41. who was that little boy that hulk hogan picked up – When? Where? NARROW IT DOWN!

42. don’t be a smartass – DON’T BE A TUNA HEAD!

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

P.S. erin esurance smoking hot naked fucking sex hentai

      Yes, it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the semi-recurring semi-popular site feature where I take a look at some of the keywords that visitors to the site typed into various search engines. This FWSE report is for the four week period beginning February 24th and ending March 22nd. As always, these are all real searches. Let’s begin…

1. boss fucked servent orginal pictures – Oh boy, a poorly spelled porn search. We’re off to a FANTASTIC start!

2. clarissa explains it all – No, she doesn’t. She explained a lot in her day, but you know what she didn’t explain? Contraception. And now I got three baby mommas looking to collect. So starting next month, I’m going to be adding like 50 banner ads to site so that I don’t get sent to jail for failing to pay child support.

3. xanga sites – Hey, you know where you can a whole bunch of Xanga sites? ON MOTHERFUCKING XANGA, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!

4. michael jackson’s likes and dislikes – (insert easy joke here)

5. what year did the first mcdonalds happy meal toys come out – 1979.

6. how many spaces are there on most board games – There isn’t any sort of standardization whatsoever. The Game of Life has way more spaces on its board than, say, Monopoly.

7. best games website ever made – SydLexia.com! Oh wait, this is a pop culture website. I dunno… GameFAQs? Penny Arcade?

8. maniac mansion labyrinth – There definitely wasn’t a labyrinth in any version of Maniac Mansion that I ever played and fuck you if this is about the crappy television show.

9. princess peach blowjob – I can’t help you with that, but here’s a picture of Princess Peach about to get fingerbangered by a skillful hand:

 
10. kara borden – Is she 18 yet?

11. magica de spell porn playstation faq – When I saw this search, I was confused. I was fairly certain there wasn’t a DuckTales game on the Playstation, but my heart lept at the chance that there might be. There isn’t, but Magica de Spell appears as a boss in the Ubisoft game Donald Duck: Goin’ Quackers. Weak. Also, I like how the word “porn” is randomly thrown into this search for no apparent reason.

12. amy rose fucking – Amy Rose doesn’t put out, at least not according to one of the few good jokes from the 2007-2008 season of the Simpsons:

 
13. the a team game – There was only one A-Team game that ever got released in America, it was on the Commodore 64, and it sucked ass. There was a better A-Team game made by a company called Zafiro that was released for the MSX, the Amstrad CPC, the ZX Spectrum and the PC, but it was only released in Europe. There was also an A-Team board game… which I reviewed.

14. super mario bros 2 lost levels nes rom – You will never ever find an NES ROMs of the original Japanese version of Super Mario 2. This is because SMB2J was not an NES game, it was a game for the Famicom Disk System, a floppy disk add-on for the NES/Famicom that was only released in Japan. If you go looking for NES ROMs of SMB2J though, you will find some ingenius SMB1 hacks that do a fairly decent job of recreating the original game.

15. aliens fucking – FUN FACT: “When Aliens Fuck” was the original name of that Prince song.

16. megadeth plain logo t-shirt – Fuck that. Get something with Vic Rattlehead on it!

17. quizzes on dragons – Dragons are fictional creatures with a rich,varied mythology that differs in every legend and story. Sometimes dragons are sentient, sometimes they are merely ferocious beasts. So any quiz you found on dragons would be highly unsatisfying. Instead, I recommend Quiz & Dragons.

18. original legend of zelda carry more bombs – You have to pay the guy. You know the one.

19. dig dug sprite rips – Rip them yourself. It’ll take like 15 minutes.

20. game where you have to convince the girl to fuck you – Leisure Suit Larry. Also, every C’s Ware game ever.

21. quentin tarantino directed death proof – It’s true, he did.

22. a boy and his blob – They’re using that title for a book about President Bush and Dick Cheney.

23. syd lexia – I fucking hate that guy.

24. you can’t do that on television – I can’t do anything on television… I don’t have a TV show.

25. nba jam on psp – Holy shit, they still make PSP games!?

26. every snes ever made – That would be a whole lot of SNESes. Honestly, do you really need more than one?

27. cartoon grandma – Real Grandma is better than Cartoon Grandma because she buys you Christmas presents. Unless she’s dead… or Jewish… or both.

28. sexy erin esurance hentai – There is no Syd, only Zuul.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      Now, it’s finally time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the (allegedly) recurring site feature where I take a look at some of the keywords that brought visitors to my site. Since I have been a lazy fucking douchebag, this FWSE report is for the seven week period beginning January 6th and ending February 23rd. As always, these are all real searches.

1. adult qix variants – The most famous X-rated Qix variants are the Gals Panic games. As far as porn goes, they’re not very exciting; you complete a board and then you get a see a shot of a naked lady for a few seconds. But in terms of gameplay, they’re actually a lot more fun and challenging than the original Qix.

2. picture of geki from street fighter – Happy to oblige:

 
3. suitless girls – Most girls don’t wear suits. Most women don’t either. Well, except for Annie Lennox. And Hillary Clinton. And Samus Aran.

4. duck tales secret treasures – The secret treasures of DuckTales are the love and friendship inside of you.

5. outer space words that rhyme with cherry – I dunno, planetary? What the fuck kind of a search is this?

6. holk hogan murderer – Tragically, we may never learn who murdered Holk Hogan on that balmy Santa Cruz night back in 1994. Chances are pretty good that it wasn’t HULK HOGAN though.

7. hermion porn – Your mom likes Hermione porn. No wait, that’s *hermaphrodite* porn.

8. michael jackson game arcade – It was called Moonwalker. And it was fantastic.

9. where r the warps in mario 2 – Here’s a better question: where “r” your parents? I think they need to send your worthless ass to Sylvan Learning Center.

10. erin esurance hentai sex – The streak continues!

11. brigitte nielsen drunk – I’m pretty sure Brigitte Nielsen has been continuously drunk since around 1993.

12. beating level 57 of bubble bobble – Frustrating, isn’t it? Take out the Beluga as quickly as possible, then use the bubble bounce technique to get the top of the screen and take out the other guys. It takes some expert timing to do it without getting hit, but once you get to the top, it should be a piece of cake.

13. i need to find out if a foot fetish will ever go away – Perhaps, but only with the aid of psychoanalysis or cognitive therapy.

14. magic school bus porn – While I have no doubt that Ms. Frizzle likes to get freaky, I’m pretty sure I don’t want to see it.

15. what is the best snes game ever – Read THIS and find out.

16. revolution x school bus – I fucking hate that level:

 
17. asses on girls – What, are you writing a new hip-hop single or something? Sorry pal, but I’m pretty sure that one’s been written… ABOUT TEN THOUSAND FUCKING TIMES!

18. is star wolf in smash bros brawl – Yes.

19. picture of a giant spider with babies in the corner of the room – Spider babies or human babies? Also, what the fuck!?

20. apple mystery house – I’m going to assume you mean THIS.

21. where do i buy sticky toy boglins from – eBay.

22. erotic samus fanfic – EPIC FAIL.

23. top nintendo games – How about THIS?

24. skeletor – There is absolutely nothing wrong with this search.

 
25. fidel castro – He retired.

26. porn games – I love to play porn games… WITH YOUR MOM!

27. best console game ever – That would be the Atari 2600 version of Pac-Man. Duh.

28. survivor sucks – If you’re talking about the TV show, you’re absolutely correct. If you’re talking about the band, YOU SPEAK HORRIBLE LIES!!!

29. trickyxtricksta – It’s an XBox Live account. It’s not mine though. It’s probably not yours either.

30. zelda secrets master sword nes – It’s in the graveyard.

31. batman cereal – That stuff is awful. I ate it on many occasions in 1989 and once in 2005. I recommend Batman serials instead.

32. kris lexia – Jew, if I’ve told you once I’ve told you a million times… STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY SISTER!

33. fucking a gemini man – At first, I couldn’t help but wonder if the person was talking about Gemini Man from Mega Man 3. Then, a few second later, I couldn’t help but wonder why I bothered to include such a pointless search.

34. mtv schedule from 1999 – Whatever was on, it was probably awful.

35. a board game that physically shocks you – Don’t Whiz On The Electric Fence.

36. mindfuck when you see it youll shit bricks – Check out the last two minutes of pretty much any Season 4 episode of Lost.

37. ducktales launchpad naked – Gross.

38. koopa cock – Grosser.

39. mario fucking link – SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE THE FUCKING YAOI STOP!!!!

40. zelda and link having sex – Well, at least it’s not gay.

41. alien dog konami – I imagine you mean the evil doggy (shown below) who debuted in Contra III. He plays a big role in Challenge Mode in Contra 4, and if I ever have to do another Mutt Hunt again, I’m gonna fucking kill someone.

 
42. tactics games for the snes – Ogre Battle is the only SNES tactics games you’ll ever need. You could play Civilization on the SNES too if you really wanted, but it’s much more fun on a computer.

43. christmas decorations – This search is from February 17th. A little fucking late, huh?

44. how to beat mr. sandman in punch out – I suggest going for the TKO.

45. the 100 best co-op games for the snes – On a list of the 100 best co-op games for the SNES, Contra III: The Alien Wars would occupy at least 50 of the spots.

46. rolling thunder namco – Yet another cheap plug.

47. elmo saying bert and ernie are gay – LIES!

48. god im bored – There used to be a website dedicated to that problem. Unfortunately, it sucks goat balls now.

49. syd lexia should commit suicide – If I ever have to spend six hours going through seven weeks worth of site logs again, I just may.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      Yes, it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring site feature where I comment on some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into various search engines. This FWSE report is for the week beginning December 30th and ending January 5th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. mario princess peach hentai fuck – No comment.

2. i want to beat smash tv – Good luck… you’ll need it.

 
3. sydlexia sesame street – Contrary to popular belief, I don’t own the rights to Sesame Street.

4. erin esurance fucking – The only “fucking” you’re going to see on this site is when I rip your fucking head off! No more goddam Erin Esurance!

5. michael jackson dancing animated gif – Here:

 
6. cost to euphemize a cat – Unless the person doing it is a real asshole, it shouldn’t cost anything to euphemize a cat.

7. whomp em correct level order – It really doesn’t matter what order you do the levels in.

8. mortal kombat fitality – Did you mean: mortal kombat fatality

9. dead celebrities of 2007 – Wikipedia probably has a list. You could also check my forums.

10. is marilyn manson being sued – I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened. He probably made some kid kill himself or hate Jesus or something.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.