Now it’s time for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring site report where I take a look at some of the keywords that brought vistors to the site. This FWSE report is for the seven week period beginning January 4th and ending February 21st. As always, these are all real searches.

1. dust cleaner fucks suit man – As best I can figure, this search is intended either to find pictures of a businessman fucking a french maid or pictures of a businessman shoving a dustbuster up his ass.

2. heathcliff cleo sex – Heathcliff hentai? No one should…

3. how to draw a racing car on msw logo – There are many different ways to draw a race car; there are many different solutions to this problem. Why don’t you fucking figure it out yourself?

4. mortal kombat create a fatality – Never, and I mean NEVER, mention Kreate-A-Fatality in my presence. That bullshit single-handedly ruined Armageddon.

5. best snes games ever – SPOILER: A Link To The Past is #1

6. prisoner – Best show ever. RIP Patrick McGoohan.

7. demons – We all have some. Lord knows I have mine.

8. nes games top quotes – These NES quotes aren’t necessarily the best ones, but they’re all ones you should know.

9. pussy – Try Craigslist.

10. kung law fatality – You’ve combined Tekken’s Bruce Lee rip-off and Mortal Kombat’s hat thrower into one super character. If Mortal Kombat didn’t already have a Bruce Lee rip-off, this would be an awesome idea.

11. instructions on how to make booby traps – Dear Mr. Klebold and/or Harris, please take your lithium immediately. Please do not shoot up your high school.

12. where i can download konami classic aliens arcade game from – I’m sorry… did you just refer to Konami’s Aliens game as “classic”? You have just made a powerful enemy, you bastard.

13. mega man 1 sucks – Lies! But Mega Man 3 sucks.

14. hudson adventure island level 7-4 spiders – If you think 7-4 is tough, just wait until you get to 8-3…

15. bet snes games – Wouldn’t you rather bet money?

16. secret illegal drug smuggling operation – THERE IS NO SECRET ILLEGAL DRUG SMUGGLING OPERATION.

17. does anyone know the nes game where you collected balloons in a maze – Both Gumshoe and Balloon Fight’s Game C have you collecting balloons, but neither one takes place in anything any normal person would consider to be a maze. So my guess would be the bonus round from Mappy:

18. mcdonalds halloween smooshees – What the fuck is a smooshee?

19. witch tits island – I hope to God this isn’t the name of a new reality series.

20. how to talk to a boy about his rape – If the boy was the one who got raped, have him talk to Detective Benson. If the boy was the one did the raping, have him talk to Detective Stabler.

21. watching kids fuck – So help me Jesus, I will get Detective Stabler in here if I have to. Munch and Finn too. That, or I could just publish your IP: 60.50.136.33

22. pop culture sucks – I will fucking cut you. I won’t cut you as deeply as that last guy, but I’ll cut you nonetheless.

23. greatest ness games ever – That’s easy, Earthbound and Super Smash Bros. Melee. I suppose you could put The Untouchables on that list as well, if you really want.

24. actraiser won’t work – Did you try blowing into the cartridge to clear the dust out? If you don’t have an actual cartridge and this is an illegal ROM of the game – and we both know it is – trying running it in a different emulator.

25. let me remove the eggplant curse – No, I don’t want to! I’m okay, I’ll figure it out myself. But they just keep bugging me! THEY JUST KEEP BUGGING ME AND IT BUILDS UP INSIDE.

26. friday the 13th games to play and killing in it too – Doesn’t it kinda go without saying that a Friday the 13th game would have killing in it?

27. mortal kombat stryker sucks – You better fucking take that back, you motherfucker. Kurtis Stryker is my close personal friend and he does not suck at all. In fact, I host his home page.

28. will link ever have a relationship in legend of zelda – Of course not, because the poor guy doesn’t know how to talk to girls. Hell, he doesn’t even know how to talk. I know Miyamoto thinks that Link’s lack of dialogue is supposed to make the gaming experience more personal, but I’ve thought it was a little awkward.

29. super mario bros 2 sucked – Neither of the games known as Super Mario Bros. 2 sucks in any way, shape, or form.

30. streets of rage hentai blaze rape – I hope you accidentally end up on malware sites and get your identity stolen.

31. troll – There was a time when the troll doll I photographed for my Spring Cleaning Crapstravaganza was one of the most popular anti-trolling images on the web. It’s possible that it still is, but since it has been reuploaded to sites such as the ones here and here, I have no way of knowing for sure. And since it’s not helping my traffic rating anymore, I really don’t care.

32. sex fuck brutal sadist death – Why don’t people ever use nice words on the internet?

33. water in microwave maniac mansion – Bad idea.

34. onechanbara – I’ve been playing the fuck out of this on the Wii. It’s mindlessly violent and violently mindless. It’s also a pretty good time.

35. x-rated arcade games – I hear that your mom will do just about anything except DVDA, and she takes quarters. Does that count?

36. bullshit – Couldn’t you say “baloney” instead? It means the same exact thing and it doesn’t make Baby Jesus cry.

37. nes puzzle game with falling blocks – Hmm…. this question is tough. Really, really tough. I will research this further and hopefully I will have an answer for you by the time I publish FWSE #136.

38. rosland capital gold – Their official spokesman is Watergate mastermind G. Gordon Liddy. That oughta tell you everything you need to know.

39. how are safety zones and guards used in the lab – Read your textbook, asshole.

40. nes baseball robots – That would be Base Wars:

41. he fuck his girlfriends sister and her aunt – I would guess this is either from Maury Povich or a manga… maybe both.

42. charlotte – is Flair Country.

43. removing an evil spirit from a negro – Um… what?

44. creepy sesame street videos – Here.

45. amyrose sucking sonics dick until sperm – Thank you for that lovely image. (I hope you die.)

46. megaman mega man – Does whatever a mega can?

47. reach out and touch faith – SydLexia.com has it own personal Jeebus.

48. shout at the devil is scary – Maybe if you’re a Quaker… or five years old.

49. erin esurance hardcore sex – That’s my cue to leave.
 

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.