It is time yet again for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring site report where I take a look at some of the words that visitors to typed into various search engines. This FWSE report is for the four week period beginning April 5th and ending May 2nd. As always, these are all real searches.

1. fucking a grandmother – Well, this is a FANTASTIC start.

2. a-team rape face peck – I can only assume this was a search for homosexual A-Team fanfiction featuring the violent rape of Templeton “Faceman” Peck. I can also assume that you really ought to slit your fucking wrists. Please and thank you.

3. play legend of zelda dating game – Why not just play A Link To The Past? It may not be a dating game, but it’s a game based on dating.

4. how to beat friday the 13th on the nes – …kill Jason?

5. kano transformation – I’VE NEVER SEEN A KANO TRANSFORMATION.


6. mcdonalds happy meal starring – You almost had a complete thought there. Keep trying!

7. arcade game chainsaw grim reaper decapitate – You’re probably thinking of Time Killers.

8. how do I get extra lives in super mario bros. 2 – You can either pull them out of the ground in certain places, or win them from the slot machine using coins you pull out of the ground in the “dark” world.

9. best places to sell nes games – eBay.

10. maniac mansion list of commands – Well, if you weren’t completely fucking blind, you’d see that Maniac Mansion, like all games built on the SCUMM engine, provides you with the full list of commands along the bottom of the screen.

11. mega man is too fucking hard – Try harder, you fucking wuss.

12. the tale of the crimson clown – Whatever you do, don’t piss him off.

Don't be an asshole or the Crimson Clown will get you.

13. how do I do a fireball in street fighter – SUPER FAIL.

14. nintendo ever made list – Has Nintendo ever made lists? Yes, they have. Back in the good old days, Nintendo used to list the top selling games at the end of every issue. They’ve done other lists, too. In issues #196-200, they did a list of the 200 best games every to grace Nintendo consoles, with forty games per issue. It was cool.

15. 321 contact basic training – 3-2-1 Contact Magazine was badass. I threw out the magazines long ago, but I still have a shitload of the “Basic Training” sections in a box up in the attic. Here’s one I scanned in for my Summer Cleaning Crapstravaganza. Enjoy.

16. sly cooper hentai – Absolutely not.

17. best snes gamesHere.

18. how to beat a boy and his blob – I believe we’ve been over this before. Like this:

How to beat a boy and his blob.

19. umk3 scorpion – That’s a pretty vague search. What specifically did you want to know Scorpion’s appearance in Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3? How to do his special moves? Fucking ask him yourself. He’s on Facebook.

20. – There’s this thing at the top of your web browser called an address bar. LOOK INTO IT.

21. real online mario world – “Real” and “online” are antonymns. Never forget that.

22. illegal robot baseball – If robot baseball is outlawed, only outlaws will have robot baseball teams. Or maybe only outlaw robots will play baseball? I forget. Hypotheticals are confusing.

23. watch arnold movie junior – For the love of God, do not EVER watch this movie.

24. lexia for kids –, Syd Lexia, and all related indicia are most decidedly unsuitable for children. Syd Lexia is to be used only by persons ages 18 and up, and is harmful if swallowed.

25. soda popinski quotes – I always found this one pretty weird:

I drink to prepare for a fight. Tonight I am very prepared!

26. hammerin’ harry – I reviewed the arcade game back in December 2004.

27. gremlinsBest. Christmas. Movie. EVER.

28. esurance girl nude – Gee, didn’t see THAT coming…

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

One Response to “Fun With Search Engines #138: Somebody Needs To Kill First Post Guy”


By First Post Guy on May 9, 2009 @ 4:01 am

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