Now it’s time for Fun With Search Engines, the semi-popular site feature where I take a look at some of the keywords that brought some much-needed traffic. This FWSE report is for the four week period beginning May 3rd and ending May 30th. As always, these are all real searches. Let’s begin…

1. earthbound bionic kraken – Your mom’s a bionic kraken.

2. centipedes how fast it moves – Centipedes are notorious speedsters within the insect kingdom, and they can reach velocities of up to 200 miles per hour.

3. hentai cartoon porn – FAIL.

4. syd are you afraid of the dark – Only when I’m drunk and sleeping alone. So uh, pretty much all the time.

5. bowser genitals – Here’s a diagram:

Bowser's genitalia?

6. motley crue shout at the devil sales figures – I’m not entirely sure. I have a copy, and this other guy I know has a copy too. So that’s a minimum sales total of 2, which is better than most of Stryper’s albums ever did.

7. how to beat aran ryan in super punch out – If you think Aran Ryan is hard in Super Punch-Out, try fucking beating him in Title Defense mode in the Wii game. He’ll make you cry.

8. mortal kombat what if fatalities – What if I knew you what the fuck you were talking about?

9. combo no. 5 lyrics – Much like Mambo No. 5, Combo No. 5 was boring and stupid. It was also INCREDIBLY racist.

10. how to make sex like a pornstar(answer on other side)

11. sydlexia revolution – My revolution will not be televised.

12. mega man scissors man – Scissors Man? Scissors Man!? HIS FUCKING NAME IS CUT MAN!

His goddam name is Cut Man.

13. torture nipple or testicle or scrotum genital mutilation – Um, a nipple is not a genital. Let’s pretend that’s the only thing horribly wrong with that search…

14. aixel dys – Aixel Dys is my sworn enemy. He is also my polar opposite, and he comes from a parallel universe, kinda like Bizarro. Or NegaDuck.

15. do they make mario brother games anymore – This can’t possible be a serious question… can it?

16. i hate andross – Andross’ enemy is MY enemy!

17. простой вертолет в лего фото – In Soviet Russia, websites search for YOU!

18. nes game if you violate you will be attacked – The game in question is Bionic Commando:

This is a neutral area.

19. what is the arnold schwarzenegger movie where his kids die – It’s his son and wife that die. And it’s Collateral Damage.

20. shooting range nes game – That would be Hogan’s Alley.

21. grapes of wrath summer reading project – My summer reading project for The Grapes of Wrath was to turn it into a book for children. If you steal my sick rhymes, I will killerate you. Peace!

22. fuck machines – What, like a Sybian? That’s gross.

23. mcdonalds halloween pumpkin bucketsHere.

24. sydlexia best game of all time – I’m entirely sure it’s possible to pick one single video game as the best one of all-time. If I had to though, I’d most likely pick either Pong, Pac-Man, or Space Invaders. All three helped push video games into the mainstream, all three inspired numerous rip-offs, and all three are still played today.

25. safari game where you must avoid being raped – That would be Taito’s 1982 classic Jungle Hunt:

Raped by crocodiles!

26. nes quotes every gamer should knowThis is one of the ten most popular features on my site.

27. smash tv sounds mp3 – Looking for voice clips from the game? Good luck. You’ll need it!

28. erin esurance sexy pics – Don’t worry, she’ll do an FHM cover eventually.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

6 Responses to “Fun With Search Engines #139: Something Something Dark Side”

First post!

By First Post Guy on Jun 2, 2009 @ 9:50 am

I love FWSE. Thanks for the feature Syd–keep ’em coming!

By SoldierHawk on Jun 2, 2009 @ 7:59 pm

You got raped in Jungle Hunt?

Syd, thank god you have your website to keep your spirits high. I half expected you to cut your wrists after writing #4.

By GPFontaine on Jun 3, 2009 @ 4:03 pm

Hate to break it to you, Syd, but the best game of all time is actually Totally Rad for the NES. Period.

Yes, I love having comments!

I love the ultra vague and generic ones like #24.

By Andrew Man on Jun 7, 2009 @ 2:25 am

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