Yeah… so I added an About page. It can be found in the links section to the right.
Hunter S. Thompson killed himself two days ago, which sucks pretty hard. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas is one of my all-time favorite books. The weird thing is, I wrote an e-mail to Mr. Thompson a few days before he died. I hope it didn’t have anything to do with his suicide. Catholic guilt is turning me inside out.
And now it’s time for the ever-so-exciting seventh installment of Fun With Search Engines. You should know how it goes by now. If you don’t, read some back issues. These are the search queries for 2/13 through 2/19. Let’s roll…
1. bride cut the cake – What kind of a dumbass search is this? As an image search, it’s not unreasonable. Unfortunately, this wasn’t an image search because very few of my images have helpful names. Anyone can cut a fucking cake. Why would someone need to see pictures of strangers’ weddings? Is it some sick voyeuristic obsession? Is it total boredom? I could guess all day and never figure it out, but I have better things to do. At any rate, it led to my November Rain feature.
2. www.timekillers.com – This is another retarded search. Why the fuck would someone type a website name into a search engine? Why wouldn’t that person TYPE IT INTO THE FUCKING ADDRESS BAR??? These searches are giving me an aneurysm.
3. mask theme song lyrics kommand – I already have the M.A.S.K. intro available for download, so I might as well post the song lyrics:
Masked crusaders working overtime fighting crime, fighting crime!
Secret raiders who will neutralize soon as they arrive at the site!
Trakker’s gonna lead the mission
And Spectrum’s got such super vision…
MASK – is the mighty power that can save the day!
MASK – no one knows what lies behind their mad charades!
MASK – always riding hot on VENOM’s trail…
Come see their laser rays fire away!
NOTE: Some people claim the lyrics is masquerade(s) and not mad charades, but those people are dirty liars.
4. zz ziff – She was cute, I’d do her. I’d do it proper too. I might even call her the next day, cuz I’m classy like that.
5. guys in muscle shirts – This would be acceptable albeit gay as an image search. As a Yahoo search, it’s just gay. I don’t have an article on Cocksmoking 101, so this search inevitably led to my Bad Dudes page.
6. harry armpits – To the best of my knowledge, this is a Garbage Pail Kids reference. You can expect to eventually see an article on the GPKs here.
7. salute your shorts downloads – Hey, I have one of those! If I had more server space, I would have put up more clips. But I don’t.
I’ll wrap this up with a random shout out to CommandoFans.com, a site dedicated entirely to the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie Commando. Someone linked to me on their message board, so I decided to return the favor. They’ve even invented their own drinking game. Check it out. As for my site, this week’s article will go up whenever it’s done.
Now it’s time for the sixth installment of Fun With Searches, this time it’s for the week starting 02/06 and ending 02/12. Here goes nothing…
1. nancy everhard images – The irony here is that the only time Nancy Everhard was ever mentioned on my site was in another edition of FWSE, where I mentioned she starred in a movie called The Deathstone that shouldn’t be confused with the MASK episode of the same name. That one obscure reference brought me a hit. Score.
2. november rain meaning – Why does everyone want to know what November Rain means? Can’t you just enjoy the beautiful cinematography and amazing music? Apparently not.
1. m.a.s.k. kenner helmet variations – Sorry, but that information requires far more research than I am willing to put into this site. I know that Kenner altered Matt Trakker’s Spectrum mask at one point because it wouldn’t stay on the damn toy, but I have no idea which other helmets (if any) were modified over the years for the toyline. I am not a hardcore toy collector, so that type of thing doesn’t particularly interest me.
2. ibuki geki – Some people have nothing better to do than search for obscure Street Fighter characters. Meanwhile, I have nothing better to do than write about obscure Street Fighter characters. It’s a perfect match. Welcome to my site.
3. budnick salute – Someone tried to use my Budnick pic in an offsite forum and that didn’t work out so well for that person. Then she rehosted it on photobucket and everyone lived happy every after.
1. street fighter geki screenshots – What the fuck, was it International Geki Appreciation Week or something? I wouldn’t have expected two Geki-related hits in the same year, much less with a day of each other. I ain’t complaining though, any hit is a good hit. Well, except the next one…
2. fucking preteens – If you use the word fuck as often as I do, sick fucks will find your site by accident. People who search for fucking the kidnapped president, fucking ninja dogs, or just about any other bizarre taboo with the word “fuck” in it might stumble across my site. The person who did this particular search had 126.96.36.199 as their IP. Burn in hell, you fuckwit. The really depressing thing is that according to Alexa’s traffic statistics, NAMBLA’s website is over ten times more popular than mine. Apparently pop culture isn’t as marketable as sex with boys. I guess I’ll have to review Michael Jackson’s Sega game soon if want my site to be viable.
3. mobile armored strike kommand downloads – MASK brought in a lot of hits this week. When I finally get around to doing a You Can’t Do That On Television feature, it should generate even more traffic. MASK is cool and all, but YCDTOTV kicks ass.
1. michael bower donkey lips – I’ve made it pretty clear already that SYS is a popular draw for the site. This particular search is only of note because I have always spelled Donkeylips in its correct compound form but this misspelled query still brought up my site as a result. I guess search engines are smarter than I thought.
1. rip off madballs Was there a rip-off of Madballs? I’m intrigued now. My comment about Madballs rip-offs was made in reference to a Smash TV boss, but it wouldn’t surprise me if there had been imitation Madballs. Those things were the shit.
That’s enough for this week. Rock on. The next article will go up Thursday night or Friday afternoon… and it just might be Schwarzenegger-related.
Sadly, this post has nothing to with Nightmare on Elm Street. Instead, it marks the triumphant return of Fun With Search Engines. Today, we’ll be looking at some search engines queries made between 1/30/05 and 2/05/05 that brought people to my site.
1. boiling points mtv gun – This isn’t the first time that the MTV’s Boiling Points brought a vistor to my site, and it probably won’t be the last. In fact, here’s a sentence with all four of those keywords: I would like to shoot anyone who watches Boiling Points on MTV with a gun. The only time that I ever mentioned Boiling Points was in regards to how much MTV sucks. The sooner America’s youth learns that MTV sucks, the better our future will be.
2. mask yellow helicopter cartoon – Now here’s a hit that I’m not ashamed to take. The ironic thing is: although there was a yellow helicopter on MASK, the two words never appear consecutively in my Deathstone article. Consequently, if this person had used a more specific search, my page wouldn’t have come up.
3. michael bower salute your shorts – I’ve received several hits from people who searched for Donkeylips, but this is the first time that someone found my site by searching for the actor who played him. This one simple search query has enegerized me to change the world for the better. I am issuing a call to all Michael Bower enthusiasts out there, sign this petition:
As everyone knows, online petitions are the single most effective way to get what you want. The reason that they work is because movie and television executives don’t actually do any real work. They just sit around in their offices all day jacking off and reading message boards moderated by Dark Angel fanboys. At least, that’s the only way I can explain the existence of Son of the Mask.
4. teenage bedwetters – I don’t know and I don’t want to know… I bet it’s some crappy new emo band. I don’t remember ever using the word “bedwetter” but it seems that I did in my Are You Afraid of the Dark? article.
5. www.babykill.com – I have no idea what search engine this person used, but it wasn’t Google, Yahoo, or MSN. Regardless, it brought up my MASK page, which refers to the American presence in Iraq as Operation Iraqi Babykill in a sarcastic attack on hysterical opponents of U.S. foreign policy.
6. cold november rain wedding scene – Even though Axl Rose hasn’t released anything in years, or perhaps because of it, Guns N’ Roses still fascinate people and enjoy substantial radio play on some stations. I have absolutely no problem with the fact that I help to sustain that fascination.
7. time killers released 1992 – Apparently I’m not the only person on this godforsaken planet who remembers Time Killers. That’s nice.
That’s enough for this week. If you’re looking for something else to read, there’s always the Mega Man article. I’m outta here.
I named this post “SYDLEXIA.COM IS NOT A WEBCOMIC” and that title doesn’t lie. This is mainly due to the fact that I have no artistic talent whatsoever. Still, that won’t stop me from bringing you the NES Drinking Saga, which I will continue to do until I get bored with it or until it becomes less funny than The Wizard of Id. I’m usually fairly easily amused and The Wizard of Id is very banal, so this could keep going for a long time. Garfield is also a huge source of inspiration for me. Expect me to give up after a couple years and start recycling the same five jokes about stealing food, Mondays, spiders, kicking dogs, and sleeping.