Fun With Search Engines is still far behind where it needs to be, but I’m about to take a huge step towards rectifying that. Yes, it’s time once again for FWSE, the semi-recurring site feature where I review some of the keywords that brought visitors to this site. This Fun With Search Engines report is for the twenty week period beginning November 1st, 2009 and ending March 20th, 2010. As always, these are all real searches. Let’s go!
1. metroid taught me brains evil missiles – The quote you’re looking for is: “Samus taught us that a girl doesn’t need brains to be successful. Brains are giant, evil, and vulnerable to missiles.” It it from this article I wrote in 2006.
2. what supplements do porn stars take – Pineapple. Lots and lots of pineapple.
3. what the shit – Fuck if I know, bro. Fuck if I know.
4. destiny of an emperor syd lexia – Sadly, I have never reviewed Destiny of an Emperor and it didn’t make the 100 Best NES Games. It made my personal list, however, at #83.
5. friday the 13th game instruction booklet – Don’t die. Kill Jason. That’s pretty much it!
6. 1986 mcboo backet – Come on now! Seriously? “A” isn’t anywhere near “U” on the keyboard, so you can’t pretend it was typo. Learn to fucking spell.
7. scorpion mk spear – GET OVER HERE!
8. three minute video of brutal n’ beastly fucking – I think I need to pray: Lord Jesus, please stop sending idiots to my site. Love, Syd. Amen.
9. best place to buy nes games – You can get them from Russia really cheap. But if you aren’t satisfied and send them back, the Russian government gets really fucking pissed. Oh wait, that’s children. My bad.
10. smb the lost levels – That’s old news. All the cool kids have moved on to crystal meth and THIS.
11. real gamers should know – Let’s all get up and dance to a song that was hit before real gamers were born. Though they were born a long, long time ago, real gamers should know. Real gamers should know!
12. best sega megadrive games – I’m sorry, I live in AMERICA. And in AMERICA, that console is called the Sega Genesis. You should call it that too; we probably saved your country’s ass in World War II. That, or we bombed the fuck out of you. Either way, our name for the Sega system is better.
13. rape ayumi – Do not rape Ayumi.
14. bucky o’hare gives me a headache – That’s nice, but… I don’t care?
15. alicyn sterling is she dead – Not according to IMDB or IAFD. However, porn legends Juliet Anderson and Jamie Gillis died in January and February respectively.
16. make a cake for michael jackson game – Michael Jackson is dead. I don’t think he wants cake.
17. snes games that aren’t well known – Here’s one. It’s called Mo Hawk & Headphone Jack. It’s not very good:
18. cupcake truck – Jesus Christ, what’s with you people and cake?
19. worst games by nintendo – Everything that isn’t Urban Champion, Wii Music, or Mario Party.
20. you told me i could trust you ross – Oh, I know this one! The Tale of the Pinball Wizard.
21. listen to the 12 pains of christmas song – I am so fucking done with that song.
22. how to make love like a porn star – A comprehensive guide can be found HERE.
23. kil jor bos game – I have no idea what that fucking means. BOS is the abbreviation for the Red Sox, Celtics, and Bruins on scoreboards. But KIL and JOR aren’t abbreviations for any cities or teams I’ve ever heard of. If you’re the worst speller in the entire fucking universe, I suppose it could this search could be kill your boss game. There are several flash games around the internet based on this premise. But if you can’t spell “kill your boss”, the only person you should be killing is yourself. Your boss isn’t mean; you’re a barely literate fuckwit and should be grateful to even have a job.
24. people staring at a dragon – That doesn’t sound prudent.
25. meaning of i was high on life but eventualy i built up a tolerance – It’s a drug joke.
26. mcnugget buddies – toys shaped like food are cruel, cruel tricks.
27. pedobear – This guy?
28. sebastian from little mermaid – When I was little, I used to think he was super cool. Apparently I was retarded.
29. is there a game that is like real life and you can have a car and house and a boyfrined – Good question. Why yes, there is! I can show you how to play it, too. I can also teach you how to spell “boyfriend”. But first, I’m going to need to see some ID.
30. school of athens album cover – That would be Use Your Illusion I, and to a lesser extent, Use Your Illusion II.
31. zelda dating guide – That remains one of my favorite things that I ever wrote.
32. infinite magic combos instant win – Here’s a good one: Pandemonium + Aluren + Enduring Renewal + Broodhatch Nantuko. You could also use Mogg Maniac instead of Broodhatch Nantuko. If you need this combo explained to you, you probably shouldn’t be playing it.
33. mario bros. birdo hentai porn – You people are so fucking weird.
34. this is a neutral area. all acts of hostilities are prohibited in this area. if violated, you will be attacked – That was going to be the official slogan of the SydLexia.com forums, but it’s not quite punchy enough.
35. are they making a new super mario bros. 2 – Didn’t they? Isn’t that what New Super Mario Bros. Wii is?
36. old cereal – This search is from December 7th, 2009. The searcher must have been prescient. Maybe it was Almighty God Himself.
37. birthday images – Use this:
38. are you afraid of the dark – Mildly.
39. wich game on super nintendo is best – I believe you mean “witch”.
40. sydlexia for the love of god update your site more than once a year – This search was done on February 28th at 3:22 EST from the DSi web browser. This had to be someone from the forums or Facebook. I want a confession! It did make me smile, though.
41. super mareyo bros – You people are seriously trying my fucking patience.
42. homestar runner updates – Here’s an idea: GO TO THE FUCKING SITE AND SEE IF THEY’VE UPDATED.
43. lazy stupid and godless – I am none of those things. Well, maybe lazy.
44. sailing – I’m sailing… away. Set an open course for the virgin… sea.
45. sesame street days – I prefer the short-lived series Sesame Street Nights, where Bert and Ernie had their own detective agency and beat up drug dealers in their pursuit of the evil crime lord Hoots the Owl.
46. printmaster software dos – I did an article on this.
47. terrapin logo – I’m a fucking Logo master:
48. how much are my snes games worth – Not as much you hoped.
49. mega man 3 sucks – It sure does.
50. mario and peach doing it – I don’t know what it is.
51. top nes games – This is the most popular search on the site, so of course it gets included. Here’s your damn list.
52. deuterantagonist – Sadly, this isn’t a real word. But it looks like a real word, and it’s based on existing words. And in academia, you can make up your own words, so long as they serve a legitimate purpose and other people accept them. So the next time you have to write a scholarly paper on Transformers G1, refer to Starscream as the deuterantagonist.
53. popcorn – More like COP PORN, amirite?
54. most violent snes games – The original Mortal Kombat. You get to beat the sweat out of your opponents. That’s fucking HARDCORE.
55. monster party nes japan difference – The most important difference is that the Japanese version was never released and a complete version might not actually exist.
56. demotivational pics – I have never made a demotivational poster in my entire life.
57. castlevania simon – I love that game!
58. solution to tokimeki checkin – The solution is not to play it.
59. syd lexia – Hate him, hate him, wouldn’t want to date him.
60. fuck ass afraid women – Fantastic. Searches like this sure do make me proud I run a website. Oh well, at least it’s not another damn hentai search.
61. sly cooper hentai – DAMMIT!
62. mega man atomic fire suit images – Sorry, only one Mega Man image per FWSE. I’d like to help you out, but rules are rules.
63. adventure island eggplant – Did you know that Adventure Island is one of several NES games to prominently feature eggplants? If you’d like to learn more, consult this article.
64. why do irate gamer’s reviews suck – I barely watch any video reviews, so I couldn’t tell you.
65. kevin mccallister – Douche McCallister is better.
66. people eye-boy the moi – I have no idea what that means. It came from a Russian search engine, so we’ll probably never know.
67. i love you – Oh?
68. aladdin subliminal message – Good teenagers… TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES!
69. best snes games ever made – Oh look, the second most popular search on SydLexia.com Once again, here’s the damn list.
70. advice to keep girls pornstars – If you want to keep a girl in the porn industry, constantly berate her. Make her feel like she wouldn’t be good at anything else and that she’ll never be able to lead a normal life. Also, if possible, get her hooked on drugs. Cocaine is the obvious choice, but anything will do.
71. greatest snes games – Read our list.
72. list of every video game of the year – Which year?
73. how many levels does rodland have gameboy – 40 main stages and 4 boss battles, for a total of 44.
74. motley crue is band – They certainly are.
75. johnny carson wanted conan to replace him – Uh, no. Conan O’Brien was a 29-year-old nobody when Carson retired. Carson wanted Letterman to replace him.
76. i want to join club nintendo – So join it then.
77. geldra rolling thunder – GELDRA leader Maboo is amused by this search. Either that, or he’s chewing gum:
78. having a picnic in a graveyard – I’m dying to join you.
79. playsushi adware – PlaySushi’s site is filled with adware and worse. Stay the hell away from them and their bullshit.
80. make girls happy – Don’t be a douchebag.
81. where is nes games played – Um… on an NES?
82. what are some easy simple booby traps to set up outside – Easy there, Klebold and/or Harris. The FBI are on their way to your house as we speak.
83. what beam beats gravity man – Star Crash.
84. snes controller maintenance – Use it until it breaks then buy a new one on eBay.
85. necro critic – Necro Critic is a cool guy.
86. terminator 2 best scene ever – The best scene ever is the entire movie.
87. picture of a troll doll – Here:
88. wii games – I could use more Wii games.
89. hell and fire were spawned to be released – Disagree.
90. dio sucks – Dislike.
91. shit – Disgusting.
92. oregon trail – Dysentery.
93. annoying songs – Disturbia.
94. your site sucks – Dissed.
95. streets of rage – Great game. I reviewed it back in 2005.
96. super mario enemies – Super Mario’s enemies are just like America’s enemies: numerous and weak-willed.
97. goldie hawn – On February 15th, this was the fourth most popular keyword search on SydLexia.com. What the fuck?
98. professor utonium – I miss Powerpuff Girls. What a great show.
99. jodie sweetin lori loughlin – One of them has done meth. Lots and lots of meth.
100. erin e-surance anime porn fucking – Surprise! Okay, I’ve had enough of this bullshit. I’m outta here.
This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.