Archive for April, 2005
April 28, 2005 – 1:09 PM by Syd Lexia

The NES Drinking Saga, Part VIII is now up. In other news, Part II of the Mortal Kombat Fatality Fest has been up even though it’s not quite complete. It will, however, be done before the clock strikes midnight tonight. That’s midnight EST, not GMT. I feel it’s important to operate on Wall Street time.

FWSE is back once again. Here’s some of the highlights from the week starting 4/17 and ending 4/23. As always, these are real search engine queries that brought people to my site.

1. aerosmith revolution x – My first article is still one of my all-time favorites. I really wish I got more hits from people looking for Aerosmith than I did from people looking for preteens fucking.

2. hulk hogan slim jim commercial – You’re kidding, right? It was fucking Macho Man Randy Savage who did the Slim Jim commercials. You happened to get lucky and you clearly don’t deserve my site. Oh yeeeaaah!

3. mileena fucking liu kang -Disney porn and video game porn are quickly becoming one of the top queries of visitors. They have yet to overtake Donkeylips and the goddam preteens, but it could happen in the near future. I don’t understand why this happens. If these fuckheads bothered to read the page excerpts that the search engines provide, they’d easily be able to tell that the MK Fatality Fest has absolutely nothing to do with Mileena fucking Liu Kang or that an Are You Afraid of the Dark article probably isn’t the best page to click on to find Hilary Duff fucking Mickey Mouse. I swear, sometimes I fucking hate this planet.

4. rambo first blood analysis and it’s plot – First of all, it’s its, not it’s. Secondly, it’s a search engine, not a magic wand. Finally, just watch the fucking movie. First Blood is a damn good movie, quite possibly Stallone’s finest hour.

5. condescending bastard – What a peculiar thing to look up. If you really need a condescending bastard though, I suggest checking the personal ads in The Village Voice.

6. – I have no idea why this search would lead to my site. To make things worse, redirects to some stupidass real estate company. There’s only one person who should be allowed to own that domain name and it’s Curtis Armstrong. Fuck you, you goddam internet fat cats for taking what rightfully belongs to Robert Carradine’s lovable sidekick.

7. bad dudes jesus sin ninjas – That’s not a complete sentence or even a complete thought, but I fucking love it.

And we’re done here. You’re free to go.

April 20, 2005 – 5:26 PM by Syd Lexia

      Whoa, it’s April 20th. That’s like… 4/20.
      I’m not above much. Since I launched the site I have said and done things that might shock, offend, or otherwise confuse some people. For example, I have:

1. Referenced skullfucking at least once
2. Turned Kirby into a vulgar drunken bastard
3. Beat down Garfield outside Crosstown High
4. Played some really bad Commodore 64 games
5. Proudly proclaimed that I’m not an organ donor
6. Drank a bottle of Pepsi Free that was over 20 years old.

      However, I am above pot jokes. There will be no How High review today. In fact, if I ever review How High, it’s a coded message. In the unlikely event that Method Man or Redman show up on the main page, you should assume that I am injured or dead and that terrorists have taken over the site. CALL THE POLICE!

      I am not above pope jokes however. Joseph Ratzinger has become Pope Benedict XVI. Fantastic. For the second papacy in a row, the Italians have been shut out of St. Peter’s Basilica. The Italians are pissed, and well they should be. They had the perfect candidate: Super Mario!

      Mario had been a dark horse for the papacy from the beginning; his moderate views, warm smile, and take-charge attitude made him a favorite among Catholics hoping for softened stances on birth control and homosexuality from The Church. Despite Mario’s failure to win the hearts and votes of the College of Cardinals, the plumber will still play pontiff in Nintendo’s upcoming RPG, Paper Mario 3: Papal Mario.

      The chances of Mario becoming pope in the future are surprisingly good. While Mario is a timeless hero, Ratzinger is 78; the chances that Benedict XVI will survive another five years are marginal at best. Another bonus for Mario is that Ratzinger has drawn surprisingly little heat from the media over his time in the Hitler Youth. Mario has also shown support for Nazism in the past: under the not-so-clever alias of Dr. Mario Goebbels, Princess Peach’s paid protector sold Hitler his patented Megavitamins. Megavitamins gave Nazi troops the speed and stamina necessary to achieve blitzkrieg. Mario parted ways with the Nazis and renounced their cause when he discovered his longtime rival Wario was also on Hitler’s payroll.

April 19, 2005 – 2:08 PM by Syd Lexia

Kirby and a new friend battle amateur photography and text-resistant backgrounds in the exciting seventh installment of The NES Drinking Saga.

April 18, 2005 – 4:10 PM by Syd Lexia

The Name: FWSE
The Game: I select various search queries that brought people to my site and comment on them.
The Week: 4/10/05 – 04/16/05
Starting Time: Now

1. mr.big midi – Did someone want a “To Be With You” ringtone? Too bad, the only Mr. Big on my site is the Moonwalker villain.

2. bowser haiku – I have no idea what this person was trying to find, but Bowser, King of the Koopas, wrote a haiku in the SNES classic Super Mario RPG. It went like this:

Like the moon over
The day, My genius and brawn
Are lost on these fools

My Bowser Haiku isn’t much better.

3. nintendo adventure island how to save the game – Only a few Nintendo games actually allowed you to save. An unusual feature like that was generally reserved for RPG games such as Legend of Zelda, Crystalis, Dragon Warrior and Final Fantasy. Other games such as Faxandu, Metroid and Mega Man 3 gave you those goddam passcodes. Adventure Island had neither function; you were expected to beat the game in one sitting. That, or you were expected to buy Game Genie and warp like a motherfucker.

4. michael jackson penis – NO. BAD! BAD! BAD!

5. wooden robot build – What the fuck is the point? The ones made out of metal and plastic aren’t quite fragile enough for you? Wooden robots are only cool when they’re fictional, like Mokujin and Woodman. Wait, those guys suck too.

6. badass nickname -A nickname isn’t fucking badass if you give it to yourself, especially if you have to go searching online for idea. Here are some nickname suggestions for any other dipshits who decided to go Googling badass nickname:

Thugg Poser
I’m 13 And I Need A Cool Name For Counter-Strike Cuz I Get Killed First When I Call Myself Yu-Gi-Oh
Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday

7. doug basham wrestler pictures – Congratulations, you like one of the most boring people in the entire world. If that’s really what you want to do with your life, I can’t stop you.

That’s all I’ve got for right now. Tune in later in the week for a new article, a new chapter in the NES Drinking Saga, and Part II of the Mortal Kombat article.

April 16, 2005 – 1:05 AM by Syd Lexia

I’m currently working on both Part II of the MK article as well as Article 23. Article 23 will probably be done first.

I also did a few quick updates to older articles:

      The Adventure Island feature now has a link to a terrible quiz.
      The Ten Weirdest Arnold Movie Moments now includes my favorite Last Action Hero clip.
      Schindler’s List II now has an audio trailer.

That’s it for now.

April 13, 2005 – 10:01 PM by Syd Lexia

      As I sat down to do the FWSE for 4/03 – 4/09, I decided now would be as a good a time as any to explain how it works. Each day, I get a series of site reports in PNG, HTML, and text format. The PNGs are the easiest to read but are the detailed whereas the text file that logs daily site access is a lot more complete but largelt innavigable. So, every day I get a pie chart titled searchq.png that lists a decent amount of the queries people who visited typed into search engines. The charts look like this:

      Above is a pie chart of search queries that brought people to on 04/06/05. As you can see, it only gives you the top 10 search queries that brought people to the site that day and then the rest fall into the “Other” category. It’s not perfect, but it gives me a good idea as to how many people found the site through search engines that day. To see what the other searches were, I open up a companion HTML file and I get this. You are seeing exactly what I see every morning, right down to the broken image placeholder. Sometimes there are some many search queries that they’re not all listed in the HTML file either. When that happens, that report also gives me a tally of how many queries aren’t listed. Unless I’m really nored, I generally don’t go searching the access log to see which ones weren’t listed. OK, enough learning. Now onto FWSE 14, my most half-assed one yet!

1. are you afraid of the dark makes the barrel lighter – Does it? Does it REALLY?

2. video de november rain – I took about 6 years of French, mais je ne parle pas français très bien. Zut alors!

3. jacko on his backo snl – If you thought I was above highlighting a search query that appeared in the previously featured pie chart, you were wrong.

4. puzzle fighter 2 final boss – That would be Akuma and his drop pattern is ridiculous. Read a goddam FAQ. That, or suck less at video games.

5. fat bald guy snk – Oh, like that narrows it down. You’re a douchebag.

6. play super mario game with real people – When I was ten, I promised myself if I ever became rich that I would build a life-size replica of Super Mario Bros. Level 1-1 on a soundstage somewhere. There wouldn’t be any enemies and the “bottomless” pits would be 10 feet deep and heavily padded, but it would still be badass. Since I don’t forsee myself having frivolous amounts of money any time soon, you’ll have to settle for Pac-Manhattan.

7. girl wrestlers in hot shorts – First of all, I believe they’re called hot pants, not hot shorts. Secondly, this is the fucking internet. Search for some hardcore porn and be done with it.

And that’s the end of the chapter.

April 12, 2005 – 7:21 PM by Syd Lexia

Part I of my overambitious 22nd article is now up. It’s about Mortal Kombat.

      Another week has gone by, so it’s time for yet another FWSE report. Here are just some of the search engines queries that brought people to my site between 3/27/05 and 04/02/05:

1. rilo kiley budnick – Actually, it’s Pinskey who’s in Rilo Kiley. That’s all I have to say about that; not every Salute Your Shorts reference needs to turn into a cheap plug for the Donkeylips petition.

2. van halen fucking eddie money on a gigantic pile of money – This was an obvious April Fools’ Day joke, but it was too funny not to print. Props go out to cybersst for creating such an incomprehensibly bizarre phrase using only words found in my Smash TV article.

3. – this comes up almost every day and I have no fucking clue why. It happened before that web address appeared anywhere on, but publishing the phrase in my FWSE report certainly hasn’t helped things. The second article that I wrote for the site was on the game Time Killers, but that’s two words and it doesn’t fucking end in dotcom. The weirdest part is that there is no, it redirects to some Swedish page. I would guess that either someone is messing with me or it’s a bot. In the unlikely case that someone out there is looking for a way to kill time, there’s always Fuck, I mean read my site.

4. schiavo kombat -fate – I have no idea what in the hell that is supposed to mean, but I assure you that it was a real search from 04/02.

5. smb:the fall of luigi – This person was looking for this or a sequel to it. If the aforementioned person had used Yahoo, it would have been the #1 result. Instead, Person X used Google where it didn’t even make the first page of results. did though. Thank you, Google. Your terrible page ranking system has generated more than a few hits for this site.

6. plot of twins 100 words arnold schwarzenegger devito – That sounds like something I could do. So here it is, Twins in 100 words: Twins is about two fraternal twins, Vincent and Julius Benedict who were separated at birth. Julius lived on an island for most of his life and he has an accent because he was raised by a foreign scientist. Eventually he grows weary of islandry and goes to America to find Vincent. Julius knows many things, such as the rules for dealing with a crisis situation, but he is very naïve when it comes to the real world. A lot of things happen in the movie and then it ends. I give Twins three and a half out of five stars.

7. nancy everhard – I’ve been trying to ignore this one because it’s already been mentioned in several FWSE reports. In fact, the only time that Nancy Everhard has ever been mentioned on my site is in FWSE reports. Recently, one of my best friends confessed to being part of a conspiracy of indeterminate size that is bent on slowly driving me insane by making Everhard come up in the daily site reports that I get. Well met.

8. preteens fucking – The week wouldn’t be complete without some random sicko visiting my site by accident. If your IP is, then with any luck the FBI is kicking down your goddam door right now. Have a nice day.

      Well, that’s that. It’s getting harder and harder to do these. In the early days when I had very little content, I got very few visitors through search engines and most of them were oddball searches. These days there are more searches for me to sift through and most of them are pretty straightforward. Those people out there searching for alasdair gillis and smb2 enemies are my target audience. Still, I have no plans of stopping FWSE in the forseeable future. That’s it for now. I’m off to think about whether or not I really want to drink the bottle of soda featured in the latest comic.

      The vagina dentata, that’s what. Or maybe Kirby. NES Drinking Saga, Part VI is now completed. I also added an NDS archive so that newer visitors to the site don’t have to search for the older comics. Just click on Comics under Links and you’re there.

April 4, 2005 – 5:57 PM by Syd Lexia

From the mourning of Terry to the morning of terror.

      From director Michael Bay and the producers of Over The Top comes Schindler’s List II: Out For Justice!!! Bob Schindler is a simple man who loves his family. When his son-in-law and a gang of evil federal judges kill his daughter, Bob doesn’t get mad, he gets EVEN! Watch out, Michael Schiavo, this is one list that no one’s checking twice! Schindler’s List II – because EVERYONE has the right to die. This film is not yet rated.

      MEDIAClick here to hear the trailer read by a 5th grader.

April 3, 2005 – 11:59 PM by Syd Lexia

      Well, Wrestlemania 21 came and went and it wasn’t horrible like I expected it would be. In fact, Shawn Michaels vs. Kurt Angle was spectacular and most of the other matches were pretty watchable. On top of that, Triple H finally lost the damn title. However, I still stand by comments that I made in my Wrestlemania article. The last several Wrestlemanias, particularly the much-hyped WM20, were total fucking trainwrecks. Aside from a few Rock vs. Hogan matches, they were almost entirely unredeemable. And while guys like Simon Dean and Carlito are hilarious, a significant portion of the WWE roster is still made up of unmarketable douchebags like Shelton Benjamin, Maven, Rene Dupree, and the Basham brothers. In the old days, there were plenty of guys who sucked ass, but at least they had hilarious gimmicks such as Bastion Booger and Isaac Yankem, DDS. Orlando Jones, on the other hand, has NOTHING. The other big thing is that it was rather disingenuous for the WWE to parade out Hulk Hogan, Rowdy Roddy Piper, and Stone Cold Steve Austin at WM21 when it’s highly unlikely that any of those guys will return to the company on a full-time basis.

April 2, 2005 – 6:44 PM by Syd Lexia

      Word on the street is that I wrote an article about Wrestlemania. Personally, I believe this rumor. In it, I cover three classic Wrestlemania main events, so go read it. If you hold your end of the bargain and read the article, there just might be some old Slim Jim commercials in it for you.