Archive for May, 2005

      Out of perceived obligation, FWSE is back once again with another week’s worth of searches. As always, these are actual keywords that visitors to the site typed into real search engines. Most of them were Google or Yahoo, but there are still people out there using Lycos and Alta Vista, if you can believe it. This is the search report for May 15 – May 21. Enjoy.

1. bad dudes vs dragon ninja president screenshot – As seen in the second part of my Bad Dudes article, President Ronnie looks an awful lot like Ronald Reagan. The only difference is that Real Reagan had black hair while President Ronnie is a brunette. The hair color change probably has something to do with the fact that when you first see him, he is emerging from a darkened helicopter.

2. – Ah yes, Nickelodeon. The first network for kids and the only network whose name is a bitch to spell. Who’s brilliant fucking idea was it to give the channel a name that most eight-year-olds can’t spell correctly? If they wanted to go with words that kids can’t spell, why not Antidisestablishmentarianism: The Network For Kids? That would have been a cool name.

3. blaze fielding hentai – Sadly enough, there’s hentai out there featuring just about every other female video game and cartoon character so there’s probably Streets of Rage hentai too. But you won’t find it here. Oops, changed my mind:

4. sly cooper hentai – In order for there to be Sly Cooper hentai, someone would have actually have had to liked those god awful games.

5. eternal champions rancid – As this person has surely learned by now, Rancid was in Time Killers, not Eternal Champions. Time Killers was sort of playable, but Eternal Champions has always sucked ass.

6. how do you get the old fashioned reptile on mortal kombat deadly alliance for x box – You don’t. According to the MK storyline, Reptile has been devolving since MK4. In Deadly Alliance, he is far too lizard-like to conceal his appearance. If Reptile returns in the seventh Mortal Kombat game, Ed Boon will probably come up with a reason to include the classic green ninja outfit.

7. loud screaming girls videos – Who in their right mind would search for this? What, are you starting a boy band and you need footage of screaming girls to splice in so that it looks like people give a shit about you? If so, you’re fucked. Boy bands are so 1999.

And that’s the end of that chapter.

May 24, 2005 – 1:12 PM by Syd Lexia

So has officially cracked the Top 1,000,000 websites according to That’s not exactly spectacular, but seeing as I started with a rank of about 3,300,000, that’s not bad. That means there’s at least 2,000,000 sites that I’m better than. Anyway, the only reason I’m posting this is because I needed a bumper between FWSEs. I am falling behind on the site and I hate it. I’ll try harder, I promise.

There is no Mrs. Zarves. There is no 19th FWSE. Sorry.

Just kidding. You know the intro, because it rarely varies. This is the FWSE for May 8th – May 14th. As always, these are real keywords that visitors to my site typed into real search engines. Blah blah blah yackety schmackety. Here it goes.

1. history of sabertooth tigers – The first known sabertooth tiger was a personal pet of Fred Flinstone who lived during the Madeaupic Period (50,000 – 30,000 B.C.) when humans, dinosaurs, and prehistoric mammals lived together in harmony and rode around in foot-powered cars. Sadly, sabertooth tigers are now extinct. The last known sabertooth tiger died in a car accident in San Francisco on September 3, 2001.

2. pepsi blue and crystal clear pepsi failed – They didn’t really fail, they just sorta gave up. Like Woody Allen. Oddly enough, Pepsi Blue also married his adopted Korean daughter.

3. u can’t do that on television – Actually, it was called You Can’t Do That On Television. We spelled things correctly in the 80s, dammit. Well except for MC Hammer and Quiet Riot.

4. videos de november rain de aerosmith – First of all, Guns N’ Roses did “November Rain”. Secondly, good luck translating this page through Google. Since I don’t allow remoting linking of my images, the result is quite catastrophic. The translation probably sucks anyway.

5. trey anastasio heroin – This has been coming up for months. What the fuck? I’m sorry, but right now the only fish I have room for on the site are the Sharkticons.

6. umk3_fatalities – Luckily for you, search engines don’t register underscores. I’m currently one of only three sites that shows up when you search for the string “umk3 fatalities”. I doubt a lot of people search for that string, but it’s still cool.

secret plot hentai – This is apparently referring to a manga that’s actually called Secret Plot, but I have a pretty good feeling that hentai is some sort of evil plan by the Japanese. I don’t know what its ultimate goal is, but it’s probably not good.

      As it always does, FWSE has ended. See you again next week for FWSE. Hopefully it’ll go up on Monday and not Saturday.

May 20, 2005 – 8:55 PM by Syd Lexia

After an extended absence due to sickness and work, I’m back with the Spring Cleaning Crapstravaganza. This is actually last week’s article, so I hope to have another one up tomorrow too.

May 15, 2005 – 6:49 PM by Syd Lexia

      So last week XBox 360 was unveiled on MTV, and I can think of no more appropriate union. For the last six or seven years, MTV has become the place for cynical marketing executives to pitch total bullshit to complete idiots. This is a channel that would rather show you the inside of David Lee Roth’s house than play the “Just A Gigolo” video. If you’re under the sad delusion that people behind MTV actually care about music, you’re wrong. It is also rather laughable to think that Microsoft actually cares about games; they don’t. Microsofts gaming roots lying in solitaire games, crappy flight simulators, and their fairly enjoyable Warcraft rip-off, Age of Empires. At the end of the day, both of these organizations are more concerned with making an easy buck than providing entertainment.

      Microsoft’s original strategy for the XBox was simply to have the best graphics and this strategy almost failed them. In the early days, XBox had a $350 pricetag and no worthwhile games that weren’t already available on PS2, Gamecube, or PC. The exclusive game that they chose to showcase, Halo, was a predictable 3D shooter with bad level design and repetitive gameplay that eventually garnered more attention than it should have for having multiplayer modes similar to better titles like Unreal Tournament and Half-Life. Most serious gamers turned their noses up at the system and it faired rather terribly in its first couple months with its main purchasers being 30-something accountants and frat boys who liked it because Madden 2002 looked “fucking awesome” on it. The giant XBox controllers that originally came with the system were seemingly tailor-made for these ham-fisted cretins. But just when Microsoft’s pathetic attempt to cut into Sony and Nintendo’s market share had almost failed, something happened. The XBox had a hard drive built into it, and techies eventually realized that this hard drive could be replaced with a much bigger one and the system could be modded in such a way that games could be copied onto this hard drive and played from there. Through the power of emulation, you would also be able to put your favorite games from other, better systems onto the XBox and run them as well. Thus XBox became popular not because it had a spectacular line-up, but because it was the most pirate-friendly console ever made. Since the XBox 360 is not going to have a hard drive, it seems hard to believe that Microsoft’s next overpriced piece of trash will be able to recapture the coincidental success of its predecessor.

      Suprisingly, doesn’t agree with me. The site guarantees that XBox 360 will have “the greatest lineup in the history of video games”. I assumed they meant it would run an NES emulator, but I was wrong. In fact, the greatest lineup ever is only made up of seven games:

1. Perfect Dark Zero (Microsoft Game Studios) – Actually, this game was developed by Rare who Microsoft now owns. Rare has more name recognition and credibility in the industry, so it’s pretty retarded that Microsoft wouldn’t tout the game as being by them. The game itself is just another 3D shooter and I don’t see it being anything spectacular. The 3D shooter genre is rather played out at this point, so unless the game has a good hook like Timesplitters: Future Perfect, Doom 3, or Metroid Prime, it’s not worth playing.

2. Kameo: Elements of Power (Microsoft Game Studios) – Oh boy, another game produced Microsoft! I bet it’ll be awesome. (sarcasm mode off) Microsoft has kindly provided us in-depth descriptions of these upcoming games and multiple screenshots. Actually, they’re giving us one small picture and a two line description. In its entirely, the game’s description reads: “Harness the power within yourself to combat an ever-present evil in a mystical universe.” It’s good to see that Microsoft is trying to make a game with a unique compelling storyline instead of relying on vague conventions. Oh, wait.

3. Gears of War (Microsoft Game Studios) – Another Microsoft with an interesting plot: “The Locust Horde is surfacing from the underground depths of Sera. Join the battle to save humankind.” Yawn.

4. Project Gotham Racing 3 (Microsoft Game Studios) – With the exception of Mario Kart and maybe F-Zero, racing games suck. If this Project Gotham shit had the Batman license, then it might be worth playing. At least then we’d finally find out exactly what happens when the Batmobile loses a wheel. Actually, the more I think about it, the more I like the idea of a Batman racing game. You’d race in gimmicky vehicles that never existed in the comics like the Freeze Ferrari and Penguin Porsche . That’s fucking money.

5. Need For Speed: Most Wanted (Electronic Arts) – Fantastic, another racing game. This one’s by EA, who I don’t think I’ve ever seen do an exclusive license, so I’d expect to see this on the next generation Sony and Nintendo consoles as well.

6. Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon 3 (Ubisoft) – Tom Clancy games suck, but this’ll make it onto the other systems when they launch anyway.

7. Tiger Woods PGA Tour 06 (Electronic Arts) – It’s by Electronics Arts, so you’ll see it on other systems. Hell, you’ll probably see it on PS2 and GCN. I never really liked sports games and I don’t understand why we need a new Tiger Woods game every year. Unlike other sports, it’s not like the PGA roster changes all that much every year, not that the Tiger Woods games even follow the roster. Justin Fucking Timberlake was in the 2005 edition. There’s also enough space on a game disc that EA could give us every major golf course if they wanted to. What can the 2006 edition offer us that 2003, 2004, and 2005 didn’t? Almost nothing. It can give us some added realism, but fuck that. When I play a game, I want it to look like a fucking game. I rather play NBA Jam with its hilarious Big Head mode than control a near-perfect clone of Lebron James. If you disagree, it means that you are wrong.

You can see Microsoft’s badly designed and uninformative game list here. In the event that you are reading this months later, here’s a screenshot.

That’s enough bitching for now.

May 13, 2005 – 12:03 AM by Syd Lexia

A special installment of the NES Drinking Saga is up. It is not part of official NDS canon. Or maybe it is. I haven’t decided.

      Welcome to FWSE, a weekly phenomenon here at where I whine about how many pedophiles and hentai enthusiasts have visited my site. This is the 18th installment, but I’m going to pass on the obligatory Alice Cooper reference; you don’t even get Black ‘N Blue. This is the search report for May 1st through May 7th. As always, these are real keywords that visitors to the site typed into search engines. BEGIN!

1. white house chief of state – Currently? That would be President Bush, although rarely is he ever referred to as that. The title this person was looking for is White House Chief of Staff. Originally, I was going to rip into this person. Then I discovered I had fucked up while typing my Bad Dudes article. It’s fixed now, but Google has yet to cache the new version.

2. weirdest movie ever made – Yeah, cuz that’s easily quantifiable. I’m pretty sure the weirdest movie ever made is The Greatest Story Ever Told. Max von Sydow as Jesus, what the fuck is that? von Sydow was much more believable as the devil in Needful Things. That wasn’t the only bizarre casting choice, either. Charlton Heston as John The Baptist? Pat FUCKING Boone as the risen Jesus? Kojak as Pontius Pilate? I think John Wayne was in there somewhere too. Only one word can sum up this movie: GARRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!

3. dominatrixes and face sitting – Again, GARRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!

4. naked princess peach & princess zelda – First of all, get a life. Secondly, Zelda’s not even that hot. She wasn’t bad in the cartoon, but her officially sanctioned renderings leave much to be desired. The ranch girl in Ocarina of Time was so much prettier. But again, video game porn is fucking stupid. In fact, the only thing more retarded than video game porn is sexually provactive video games. I can say without any shred of uncertainty that Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball is the most shameful excuse for a video game that I’ve ever seen, and I’ve played Wayne’s World, Hudson Hawk, and Knight Rider.

5. book about michael jacksons pedophile – A little known fact about Michael Jackson is that he actually has a pedophile on his payroll. Billy Badtouch a is fully licensed assraper who won NAMBLA’s coveted Boyfucker Of The Year award in 1997 and 2001. The prosecution in the current Jackson trial really screwed up by failing to call this guy as a witness. I don’t know if there’s a book specifically about Michael Jackon’s pedophile, but he can be found in the Who’s Who In Child Sodomy reference book that Marquis publishes ever year.

6. 90s pop culture – What is Crystal Clear Pepsi? I’ll take Sean Connery Movie Quotes for $1000, Alex.

7. plantman marvel – Usually when a visitor comes to my site because of Plantman, it’s because they’re looking for something related to the shitty Gary Young song. On rare occasions, someone comes here looking for information on the shitty Mega Man villain featured in my article on the Robot Masters. As it turns out, there was also a Marvel Comics villain known as Plantman. Surprisingly, he’s actually really cool. Despite his obscurity, Plantman is better than Magneto, Galactus, Apocalypse, and Venom combined. Just kidding. Marvel’s Plantman sucks ass too.

      I suck at writing FWSE closings, but I still insist on doing them. This search report is over. I’ll have something better up soon.

May 7, 2005 – 7:04 AM by Syd Lexia

      According to a recent article in The Christian Science Monitor, moms say pop culture is counteracting their ability to instill good values in their children up through high school. Here’s an excerpt:

      What’s really happening with American mothers of all stripes – from full-time homemakers to full-fledged workaholics, all income levels, all racial backgrounds – is worry about popular culture, and what feels like a tsunami of forces threatening parents’ ability to impart positive values to their children, according to a new survey of more than 2,000 mothers. Moms report a cultural onslaught that goes far beyond Hollywood movies and TV, and into the world of the Internet, electronic games, and advertising.

      ”We heard mothers talking about the kind of hypersexuality that’s out there, about violence and disrespect, about body image, all the things that are not exactly news, but cutting across a huge and diverse sample of mothers,” says Martha Farrell Erickson of the University of Minnesota, lead researcher on the study, released by the Institute for American Values in New York. “What they would really like to see is mothers and fathers joining forces more effectively to take on some of these issues.”

      First of all, I take issue with any news that comes out the Christian Science Monitor because their religion is stupid. I don’t openly hate most religions, but these douchebags suck. They’re the ones that don’t believe in going to hospitals or using medicine because if God wants you to live, he’ll cure you. How do they know God didn’t use His power of divine inspiration to help us invent modern health care? More importantly, I don’t know for sure what else they don’t believe in. Maybe Christian Scientists don’t believe in things like “researching facts” or “checking sources” either because they think God should do that for them too. The only religions that are more bullshit than Christian Science are Scientology and Jehovah’s Witnesses. Scientology sucks because they gave us that shitty Battlefield Earth movie where John Travolta dressed up like Rob Zombie and tried to conquer Earth but humanity stopped him. Sadly, the people of Earth were unable to stop Travolta from doing Staying Alive. Also, the real Rob Zombie could conquer our planet at any given moment if he felt like it. In my opinion, Jehovah’s Witnesses are even worse. Any religion that forbids its followers from eating birthday cake needs to be personified and promptly hanged.

      Secondly, it’s not particularly fair or accurate to say that pop culture itself is the problem. One mother talks about trying to protect her child from bad influences by renting Sesame Street DVDs. Well, not only is Sesame Street on the fucking television, it is also PART of pop culture. Every red-blooded American knows who the fuck Big Bird, Cookie Monster, and Elmo are. Pop culture is a combination of both new and old. The Ramones didn’t stop being part of our collective consciousness when Family Guy entered it. In fact, Family Guy is little more than a string of non-sequitur pop culture references that includes everything from Charlton Heston to Thundercats and it’s one of the most beloved shows on television. People who whine about the content of television probably don’t deserve to own one. If you get all upset that CSI isn’t approproate for your children, change the damn channel. It really is that simple. You have channels like Disney, Nickelodeon, and ABC Family that are very appropriate for children and they’re part of most basic cable packages. If that isn’t good enough, you can order premium packages that include channels such as Toon Disney, Noggin, Nickelodeon GAS, and Discovery Kids to keep Fifty Cent off your TV. If you want to block a channel, your cable box can do that. If you want to block shows intended for a mature audience, the V-chip can do that. Lawmakers have done enough. Stop your fucking complaining

      That being said, pop culture is far from perfect. Always has been, always will be. And yes, it may have gotten slightly worse recently. There is absolutely no reason that Paris Hilton should have the name recognition that she does. But whatever. For every Paris Hilton, there’s a Ronald McDonald, Coca-Cola Santa Claus, and Regis Philbin to counteract it. Trying to blame something as vague as pop culture, something that covers almost every aspect of media, is just a cheap attempt to diffuse blame from your own piss-poor parenting skills. Many of the people that these whiny mothers look to for moral discourse such as President Bush, Joe Lieberman, and Jerry Falwell are pop culture icons in their own right. Paradoxical, isn’t it?

       In summation, I would just like to say this: Fuck you, you lazy maternal fucks. Pop culture rocks.

May 6, 2005 – 10:18 PM by Syd Lexia

The next article isn’t quite done, so here’s The NES Drinking Saga, Part X instead. It’s no substitute for an actual article, but it’s something.

May 4, 2005 – 5:42 AM by Syd Lexia

The NES Drinking Saga, Part IX has been completed and posted.

Also, if anyone would like to review the site for, go for it. I could do it myself, but what fun is that?

Actually, I think it’s a magazine or something. FWSE is back for Round 17, which is a lot. It only took me three rounds to beat Mike Tyson, although it would have been harder if Lispy McPunch hadn’t kept winking at me before he did his super punching combo. So anyway, this is the FWSE report for 4/23 through 4/30. As always, these are all actual searches that people who visited typed into various search engines.

1. pop culture – Could this search be any more vague? When I first saw this, I was confused. “Pop Culture” is a very broad search and there are plenty of more extensive sites than mine that should have much higher search engine rankings. In a Yahoo search, I’m not within the top 100 results for pop culture. X-Entertainment, the king of all pop culture sites, is the 99th result. So I decided to check the access logs for the site. It turns out that if you use the Hong Kong version of Yahoo, I’m the #15 result right under something called Sexual Thunder. Sweet. The fact this search came out of Hong Kong also explains why it was for such a basic English phrase.

2. donald duck getting dick suck ringtone – What in the fuck is this? No, seriously. I think I know what’s going on here. This guy (and it’s definitely is a guy) is looking a ringtone that will:

1. Make his friends laugh the first one or two times they hear it.
2. Piss off the elderly
3. Make parents cover the ears of their children
4. Get old real fucking fast

I believe the ringtone you’re actually looking for is “Tubthumping” by Chumbawumba. You’re welcome.

3. how to euthanize your cat yourself – Oddly enough, this isn’t the first time that the words euthanize and cat have appeared in an FWSE report. In fact, they appeared in the very first FWSE. As I take some time to reflect on this historic moment, here’s a repost of my original solution to the question of do-it-yourself euthanasia:

Baseball bats and fire are both cost effective.

4. unusual random shit – I don’t normally condone search queries with shit in them, especially if they happen to be image searches. Still, unusual random shit isn’t a bad description for the site and I was the #2 result on MSN, right between Wikipedia and some bullshit Unabomber conspiracy theory. Cool?

5. dominatrixes in massachusetts – Guess again, jackass!

6. you better watch out or the insects will get you – This is a line from a song by the Kids of Widney High that I used as a caption in my Moonwalker piece. I actually didn’t realize that search engines crawled the image captions. This brings me one step closer to my dream that someone will find my site by looking up Skullfucker 3 – Sockets, Bloody Sockets.

7. mk2 fatality – The MK Fatality Extravangza was a huge undertaking, but I’m pretty happy with the way it turned out. Then again, it’s bringing in decent hits so I guess I’d still be OK with it even if it was absolute trash.

      GAME OVER.