Archive for July, 2005
July 30, 2005 – 11:59 AM by Syd Lexia

      I’ve decided to add forums to the site. They should be up by the end of the week. They’re fully functional right now, but they’re still in need of some modding and style changes. Hopefully, the forums will give us a chance to discuss things that exist outside the realm of FWSE and the NES Drinking Saga.

July 29, 2005 – 3:34 PM by Syd Lexia

Part 16 of the NES Drinking Saga is now up on the Comics page. So if you’ve been waiting for a new one, now you have it. Also, the Donkeylips petition still needs more signatures.

July 26, 2005 – 7:32 PM by Syd Lexia

      It’s time once again for Fun With Search engines, the recurring site report where I do a rundown of some of the keywords that site visitors typed into various search engines. None of these, no matter how stupid or bizarre they may seem, have been faked by me; I have *slightly* better things to do with my time. This FWSE report covers the week starting 7/17 and ending 7/23. Enjoy!

1. drinking old soda – Drinking old soda is a lot like teenage suicide. (Don’t do it!)

2. the real super mario bros three – Nice try, but Super Mario Bros. 2 is the only Mario game to have significantly different releases in the US and Japan. There is but one game called Super Mario Bros. 3 and Muhammad is its prophet. Or something like that.

3. turn them into a baby – That’s not a complete sentence or even complete thought. Turn WHO into a baby? I want to know. I hope this isn’t part of some stupid Wiccan incantation or some shit like that. I fucking hate Wiccans.

4. sydlexia dissect – Is that a threat? IS THAT A FUCKING THREAT!? Don’t mess with me, junior. I will kick your ass so hard that it flies up through your stomach into your head and explodes. Then you’ll be dead & smelly and no one will go to your funeral. Ha.

5. will kids incorporated ever be released on dvd? – With any luck, no. There are much better things can and should be released on DVD instead. Things that people like me would actually buy. Things like The State. Things like The Monster Squad.

6. best music videos ever – Maybe someday I’ll do that list, but it probably won’t be anytime soon. Until then, you’ll have to find someone else to tell you what’s cool and what isn’t. Or you could think for yourself. Just a thought.

7. did disturbed do a song about metroid – No. Some jackass using the pseudonymn Disturbed did a cover of the Kraid theme from the original NES Metroid game. It’s a decent track, but the fucker either didn’t realize that there’s a popular rock band called Disturbed or he hoped the confusion caused by using the same name would garner him additional attention. I guess it has. Perhaps the real Disturbed will turn up the soundtrack for next year’s Metroid movie. Of course, Nine Inch Nails would be a much better choice because Trent Reznor is better at atmospheric music and he’s a fan of the franchise.
That’s all. Go back to your homes.

July 20, 2005 – 10:43 PM by Syd Lexia

      For anyone who cares, Part 15 of the NES Drinking Saga is now up on the Comics page. On a sadder note, the Michael Bower Needs Work petition has yet to collect even 100 signatures. Let’s see if we can amend this situation in a timely fashion.

      It’s finally time for another edition of Fun With Search Engines. Apparently it’s been two weeks since the last FWSE and another two weeks since the once before that. That’s inexcusable. Fun With Search Engines is supposed to be a weekly enterprise and I’ve let time get away from me. For anyone who doesn’t know, FWSE is a (usually) weekly analysis of various queries that visitors to typed into search engines. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re not, but they are all 100% real. This FWSE report covers the two week period starting on July 3rd and ending on July 16th. Enjoy.

1. bandai sucks – Yes, they do. I’m glad someone else gets it. Bandai sucks at almost everything they do and yet they somehow manage to subsist. The only logical explanation is that totalitarian governments that shun the free market are forcing their citizens to buy Bandai games and toys. Someone better get Geraldo Rivera on the case.

2. old wwf divas – Unless you’re a sick fuck and you’re talking about Mae Young and Fabulous Moolah, there’s no such thing as old WWF divas. The WWE Diva Search is just an excuse to put pretty but talentless whores on your TV screen. In the olden days, the women in the WWF were all either managers, valets, or wrestlers, and they had storylines. When was the last time you saw Christy Hemme do anything other than act like a stupid whore? How about NEVER?

3. sly cooper hentai – This stupidass search string keeps coming up. And by mocking it, I’m only going to ensure that it keeps coming up. The internet was not created so that you could find something to whack off to, especially something as sad as video game porn; that’s what P2P is for. Now fuck off.

4. opening theme – TO WHAT? I have absolutely no patience for ambiguity.

5. christy hemme sucks – Wow, it’s like my own personal Christmas. First someone else who hates Bandai found my site then someone else who hates Christy Hemme found my site. Hating stuff is awesome.

6. hulk hogan’s the me am a real american lyrics american guy – This brings me to my next point: DON’T SMOKE CRACK. This message has been brought to you by your local Street Fighter II cabinet.

7. jennifer wilbanks bitch – Once again, I totally agree.

8. laguna beach tv show transcripts – If there ever comes a time when transcripts of crappy reality shows based on fashionable teen dramas are available for your reading pleasure, I’m pretty sure that’s when Jesus will return to Earth for the final judgment. When that happens, it’s a pretty safe bet that I’m going to purgatory.

9. sub zero fucking sindel – Why Sub-Zero fucking Sindel? Why not Scorpion fucking Sindel or Liu Kang fucking Kitana? You have no right to demand such oddly specific MK porn. Your unmitigated gall sickens me.

10. stare at an eclipse while screaming at it – That’s how my dad met my mom. True story. But seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?

11. meatloaf’s real name – Meatloaf’s real name is Marvin Lee Aday. You might remember him from movies such as Spice World and Americathon. At least, you would if you wasted precious moments of your life watching second-rate movies that the mainstream has long since forgotten about. Otherwise you’ll remember him as Bitch Tit Bob from Fight Club or for all those songs he did.

12. super mario physics – My brief comparison of SMB physics versus the physics of the real SMB2 probably it’s quite as in-depth as what this person was hoping to find. But maybe it was. Either way, it’s interesting.
      And with that, another FWSE has come to an end. I know it’s sad, but it is also the natural order of things. Until next time, I’m lazier than I wish I was.

July 18, 2005 – 11:51 PM by Syd Lexia

      Believe it or not, my much-delayed new article is up on the main page. I’m sorry for making you wait so long. The Worst NES Games You Might Have Actually Played is inevitably controversial and currently unproofread. Hopefully it will entertain more people than it upsets.

July 7, 2005 – 7:34 PM by Syd Lexia

      As I promised here, the third consecutive NES Drinking Saga in as many days has made its triumphant debut on the Comics page. Ten Fun Bucks will be awarded to anyone who can name the NES game I borrowed a sprite from. This one is a lot more obscure than Link To The Past.
DISCLAIMER: Fun Bucks are not redeemable anywhere, especially

July 6, 2005 – 9:52 PM by Syd Lexia

      In my desperate rush to produce an article that still remains unfinished, I somehow missed an FWSE. As a result, this super edition of Fun With Search Engines will cover two weeks, starting with 6/19 and going up through 7/02. If you’re unfamiliar with FWSE, here’s how it works. Every week I review my site logs and see what sort of keywords people who found my site through search engines used. Then I list whichever ones strike my fancy and comment on them, which usually means I degrade some idiot who was searching for hentai, MTV’s Boiling Points, or something equally retarded. So once again, these are all actual searches that visitors to my site typed into search engines; I am not making this shit up. Dig it? Then let’s begin.

1. legend of zelda tips – Aside from a FAQ that tells you the location of that last fucking heart container that you just can’t seem to find or a dungeon location in the second quest, what possible help could anyone need with original The Legend of Zelda game? None, unless you’re functionally retarded. If that’s the case, here are my Top Secret Legend of Zelda Tips.

2. plumber fucking video game – Pass.

3. streets of rage – There’s nothing funny about this search, but it does give me the opportunity to talk about how fucking pissed I am at Sega of America right now. In August, Sega will be releasing an old school gaming collection for the Gamecube called Sonic Gems that includes some of the more obscure Sonic titles like Sonic CD and Sonic R. The Japanese version of the game will include ALL THREE STREETS OF RAGE. When I first heard about this, I was pretty friggin’ psyched. Sadly it has since been reported that the limp-wristed morons at Sega of America were worried about getting a teen rating so they replaced the three Streets of Rage games with both Vectorman games. Not only are North Americans getting a worse series, we’re also getting one less game. This pisses me off for several reasons. First of all, Streets of Rage isn’t particularly violent and Sega probably could have pushed for an E10+ rating if they had been so inclined. Secondly, WHO FUCKING CARES IF THE GODDAM GAME WOULD HAVE GOTTEN A TEEN RATING? Maybe I’m missing something here, but I don’t think six-year-olds are gonna line up to play Sonic CD. The game is damn fun, but the graphics are pretty dated and children are stupid, fickle bastards. Sonic Mega Collection already gave us all the essential games, the ones that most people want to play. A collection like Sonic Gems appeals to nostalgists, retro gamers, and Sega’s hardcore fanbase. And guess what? NONE OF THOSE PEOPLE ARE UNDER THIRTEEN. I’m mad as hell about this but I’m not surprised. Sega is notorious for making bad business decisions. When will those assholes learn? Will it be soon?

4. bowser fucks princess peach – Well, in Super Mario Sunshine, Bowser did claim that Princess Peach was Bowser Junior’s mother. He was lying, of course. I wanna know what happened to the Koopa Kids, they were infinitely better than Bowser Junior.

5. is it bad to put magnets on your computer tower – No, by all means go ahead. Although magnets have been known to ruin monitors and floppy disks, if you stick one on the side of your computer, it will actually make your processor go faster. Magnetic fields have also been known to retrieve documents that you forgot to save as well as protect you from all known computer viruses. Hell, you really can’t afford NOT to put magnets on your computer tower.

6. michael jackson baby rape game – Even bad taste has its limits. DIE.

7. every show that’s ever been on nickelodeon – I know I can fucking do this. Let’s see… there was Cousin Skeeter, Guts, Don’t Just Sit There, Super Sloppy Double Dare, The Tomorrow People, Pinwheel, Today’s Special, The Mystery Files of Shelby Woo, Count Duckula, Bananaman, Get the Picture, Spartakus and the Sun Beneath the Sea, Hey Dude, The Monkees, Dennis the Menace, Lassie, Kablam!, The Fairly OddParents, and Roundhouse. There, that’s all of them. Oh wait, and Global Guts too. Do I win anything?

8. Is diet coke going to change the kind of sweetner used – I would hope that after the whole New Coke fiasco that Coca-Cola learned their fucking lesson about changing the formula in popular drinks. Splenda is fucking crap and if that shit somehow becomes the industry standard, I’ll go Rambo on someone’s ass.

9. pussy punch dirty fighter – I have no idea what in the hell someone would expect to find with a query like this, but it reminds me of Jack Black’s song from the Mr. Show movie, Run Ronnie Run.

10. she finishes him off – This is a really vague search and I have no way of ever knowing what the person was looking for, especially because it came through Google Italia. But since an estimated 75% of people on the internet are peverted retards, I’m gonna assume it had something to do with handjobs. Instead, my Mortal Kombat article came up and I got a hit that I didn’t really earn. Sweet for me, disappointing for masturbating Italians.

      I’m done with this. If you’re looking for something else to entertain you, Part XIII of the NES Drinking Saga is up. I’ll have some new articles up soon. They’re already way overdue and I apologize. I’ve been in a summer slump of laziness, but that’s *probably* going to change.

July 5, 2005 – 5:28 PM by Syd Lexia

      I have no idea how in the fuck this happened, but it’s been over a month since the last installment of the NES Drinking Saga. In order to remedy this situation, Part XII is now available for your reading pleasure on the Comics page. Enjoy.