Archive for October, 2005
October 27, 2005 – 11:37 PM by Syd Lexia

      It’s time yet again for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly report where I reveal some of the keywords that visitors to this site typed into search engines. This edition of FWSE covers the week starting 10/16/05 and ending 10/22/05. As always, these are in fact real searches and not just some bullshit that I made up.

1. make a livejournal color bar – These things aren’t just stupid, they’re also stupidly easy to make. If you can’t figure out how to make your fucking “John Mayer Is Love” color bar all by yourself, you don’t deserve the pleasure of wallowing in its utter retardness. Go fuck yourself.

2. super mario allstars rom – Fuck that shit. Play the original versions.

3. failed sodas – Aside from Rock Hudson’s Semen-o-rama, I can’t really think of any.

4. batman theme bedrooms – Sadly, I never had Batman sheets. I did have Masters of the Universe sheets at one point though. Those were pretty awesome. If I could get my hands on some old school Batman sheets, I’d use them in a second. But none of this Batman Begins shit because sleeping with Christian Bale is totally gay.

5. jessica simpsons farts – I hate farts, but I really fucking hate fart jokes. And I hate FWSE for making me use the word fart four times in close proximity of each other.

6. how to use tonfa – Step 1: Place the tonfa in your hands. Step 2: Hit people with them. Repeat Step 2 as necessary.

7. bubble bobble costume – You know, Bubble Bobble kicked at least sixteen specific types of ass. So for a second there, I considered the possibility that a Bub or Bob costume might be cool. Then I realized something: IT WOULDN’T. I don’t care how dorky your friends are, because if you go to a costume party dressed as a Bubble Bobble character, you’re gonna get your ass beat. Even if said party has a video game theme. In that case, you’re gonna get your ass beat by Rastan and Eddy Gordo.

      That’s enough stupidity for this week. Tune in next week for FWSE #40: Nothing But Kristin Cavallari. Peace out.

October 22, 2005 – 6:19 PM by Syd Lexia

Advanced copies of early reports suggest that Part 22 of the NES Drinking Saga may be up on the Comics page. As both webmaster of and author of the webcomic in question, I can neither confirm or deny this information.

October 18, 2005 – 9:01 PM by Syd Lexia

      So I’m back once again with yet another installment of Fun With Search Engines. For those as of yet uninitiated, Fun With Search Engines is a weekly report where I chronicle various keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. These keywords generally range from stupid to boring to porn to illegal porn. This FWSE report is for the week beginning October 9th and ending October 15th. As always, these are all real searches. And by real, I mean that I didn’t make them up. I can’t guarantee that rowdy fans didn’t intentionally plant them.

1. wizards and warriors nes tips – Seeing as you get infinite continues, the only real tip you need is this: don’t give up.

2. ryu spinning kick sounds weird – Compared to what?

3. post short skirts japanese schoolgirls – Did you really need specify short skirts? Have you ever seen Japanese schoolgirls in any other type of skirts? I mean really. There’s always at least a foot of space between the knee and skirt.

4. duck and longevity – What the fuck? No wait, nevermind. I don’t care.

5. download wwf randy savage theme song – You’re kidding, right? As most non-retards who have heard Randy Savage’s entrance music know, the song is called Pomp And Circumstance. They fucking play it every high school graduation ceremony and there’s probably about 1,000 places where you could download it. But not here, so fuck off.

6. clouds that throw koopas in Super Mario – You’re either playing a hack or you don’t know shit about Mario. There are no clouds that throw koopas. There is however, Lakitu, an evil son of a bitch who flies around in a magic cloud throwing Spinies at Mario. Below you can see what Lakitu looked like in SMB1. He’s evolved over the years as graphic capabilities have gotten better, but the basic design is still the same.


7. nintendo zelda tips – Ooh, sorry. This site only hosts tips for Wand of Gamelon, the Zelda game for the Phillips CD-i machine.

So that’s that. If that didn’t entertain you, the latest comic probably won’t either. Read it anyway.

October 17, 2005 – 7:53 PM by Syd Lexia

      Guess what? I fucking hate two-way calling. If you’re unfamiliar with two-way calling, it’s an annoying cell phone service that essentially turns your phone into a walkie-talkie, with every message being preceded by an annoying beep. It’s a stupid idea, but since most companies that offer this service offer it as a freebie, people insist on using it. So instead of cutting into your daytime minutes, you can talk for an unlimited amount to someone else who has the same service provider as you for free. The problem with this is that the vast majority of people who use two-way have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO FUCKING SAY. So now, anytime I’m waiting in line at the supermarket, browsing at Best Buy, or in any other public place, I can hear both sides of some retard’s dumbass conversation instead of just one. They usually go something like this:

Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) Hey, where you at?
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) I’m in the line at the supermarket.
Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) What?
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) I’m in the line at the supermarket.
Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) Ha ha, whatchoo doing there?
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) Getting my mom some stuff.
Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) What?
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) Getting my mom some stuff.
Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) Get me some Doritos.
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) I’m already in line.
Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) C’mon! Get me some Doritos.
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) Get your own damn Doritos.
Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) Whatchoo doing tonight?
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) Dunno.
Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) Movies?
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) I dunno, what’s playing?
Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) Dunno.
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) Get the paper.
Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) Huh?
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) Get out the newspaper and check the damn movie listings.
Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) All right, how about Into The Blue?
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) What’s it about?
Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) Jessica Alba. And it has the cop from the Fast and the Furious movies.
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) Hell yeah!
Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) What?
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) I said hell yeah!

      Every goddam day, I hear shit like this. I’m not trying to eavesdrop, but that loud fucking beep really draws your attention to the phone. It’s like listening to a fucking IM conversation, only it’s worse because one of the parties ends up repeating some asinine remark louder because his punkass friend didn’t hear it. I don’t understand why people are so enamored with this shit. Remember your 8th birthday? Remember that set of walkie-talkies you got? Remember how you decided they were totally gay after a week? Well now it’s ten years later and you’re doing the same stupid kiddie shit on your $200 cell phone. Grow the fuck up.

October 13, 2005 – 11:25 PM by Syd Lexia

      Welcome once again to Fun With Search Engines, the weekly report where I show you some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. This FWSE report is for the week starting October 2nd and ending October 8th. As always, I have not made any of these up. There’s no NEED to make them up because humans are awful.

1. mario bros fuck princess peach porn – First of all, no! Bad! Secondly, only Mario gets to bone Princess Peach. Luigi is a total scrub and there’s no way Mario would let him get in on some Eiffel Tower action. :1up:

2. horrible shit – Sorry, my site’s content is only mildly offensive. If you’re looking for the Death By Bukkake Rape-a-thon, look elsewhere.

3. public fucked – While I’m sure it has no shortage of nooks and crannies into which one could stuff his dick, you can’t really fuck Publix because a supermarket is an inanimate object.

4. free kitana hentai mileena – I’m sick of talking about hentai, so here’s an unreasonably childish diatribe about why Ted Kennedy is worse than Hitler instead.

5. what does conor obrest do in his spare time? – Your mom. And then he totally brags about it to God.

6. can you make heroin from standard sugar? I forget – This is almost definitely a plant, but it’s still hilarious.

7. is stephen coletti dead – Of course not. Here something I’ve learned: don’t wish death upon celebrities because it always backfires. No one who deserves to die ever does… it always ends up being Cliff Burton, Princess Di, or Brandon Lee instead of Rosie O’Donnell.

And we’re done. Oh, and Part 21 of The NES Drinking Saga is up.

October 11, 2005 – 9:27 PM by Syd Lexia

      Look at this fucking bullshit. I was on Yahoo earlier, trying to find some multimedia materials so I could teach underprivileged retarded children about wholesome things like sunshine and the power of friendship and this is what fucking happened:

Click to enlarge.

Thanks a lot, Yahoo. Now those poor Mongoloids will never know why they need to make friends.

October 4, 2005 – 10:20 PM by Syd Lexia

      So I’m back with Episode 36 of Fun With Search Engines, the weekly report where I chronicle some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. This edition of FWSE covers the week starting September 25th and ending October 1st. As always, these are all real search queries. But you’ve probably heard that all before….

1. amy rose hentai adventure – There’s certainly no shortage of Sonic hentai out there, but the only way I’d pay to see it is if someone drew Amy Rose being skullfucked by Axl Rose.

2. the head rip fatality – I guess someone’s been watching The 40-Year-Old Virgin, huh? “I’m ripping your head off right now. It’s off, and now I’m throwing it at your body. Fuck you!”

3. kristin cavalleri naked – I know this is hardly a new addition to FWSE, but I get this shit every fucking day. Why can’t more people search for Revolution X or Salute Your Shorts? Damn the vast English-speaking internet community… damn them to hell!

4. World Class Track Meet NES Manuals – You don’t fucking need a manual, you dipshit. Here’s the instructions for World Class Track Meet: “Run. Run like the fucking cops are after you. If you see a hurdle, jump over it. If you’re in the long jump or the triple jump, just fucking jump already.” That’s it. That’s all you need to know about the damn game.

5. frosty the snowman your commodore – What an oddly specific and out of season request. But hey, it’s better than another hentai request. Besides, the Commodore Christmas Crapfest was good times. I already have my next big Christmas article planned, but you’re gonna have to wait two more months to see it.

6. whomp em dragonball – Someone actually searched for Whomp ‘Em? How psyched am I? Not only that, but if all eleven people in the world who are interested in finding the link between Dragon Ball and Whomp ‘Em use Google, they’ll find my page. Sweet for me… I guess.

7. naked pictures of shelby woo in the scorpion king – Cybersst refused to take credit for this one, so I am left with only one logical conclusion: someone, somewhere is on crack.

      And that’s how we kick it. Come back next week when I’ll make fun of people searching for Wind Waker hentai and Earthworm Jim hentai.