Archive for March, 2006
March 31, 2006 – 10:39 AM by Syd Lexia

      Part 24 of the NES Drinking Saga is now up. Will I finally get my shit together and start updating it on a regular basis again? We can only hope.

March 28, 2006 – 10:10 PM by Syd Lexia

      Yes, it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly site report where I show some of the keywords that brought visitors to my site. This FWSE report is for the week of March 19th through March 25th. Ready? Let’s go…

1. who plays the lead in 1985’s fantasy adventure red sonja – Brigitte Nielsen. She looks like a man in most movies, but she was actually sort of attractive with the red wig. Bridgette Wilson is way hotter though:

Fuck you, Pete Sampras. I want her.

2. super mario 2 japan rom that runs on us nes emulator – While there are some hacked Super Mario Brothers roms that recreate fairly well, you will need an emulator with Famicom Disk System support if you want to run the actual Japanese Super Mario Bros. 2 rom. The reason being that the Japanese version of SMB2 was a floppy disk, not a cartridge. A lot of people don’t seem to realize this.

3. how to euthanize your cat – The Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger suggested the following: Place your cat is placed in a sealed box. Attach the box to an apparatus containing a radioactive nucleus and a canister of poison gas. This apparatus should be separated from the cat in such a way that the cat can in no way interfere with it. When the nucleus decays, it will emit a particle that triggers the apparatus, which opens the canister and kills the cat. Problem solved.

4. obscure pop culture – I can think of no better example of obscure pop culture than the Clarissa Explains It All board game. There probably is one, but I much prefer shameless self promotion.

5. shoot the bitch – Robert Blake, it is an honor to have you surf my site. How you’d like to play President Ronnie in a movie adaptation of the classic arcade game Bad Dudes that probably won’t ever get past the “Wouldn’t It Be Cool If…” stage?

6. kristin cavalleri nude – This is the part of FWSE where I start to get bored and thrown in one of the recurring porn searches that shows up in my site logs. Searches for nonexistent celebrity porn never get old. Oh wait, yes they do.

7. christy hemme talentless – I think we can all agree on that.

      Well, I’m afraid that’s it for now. If everything goes well, you will get to see some new site content before the end of the week. Even if it doesn’t, you still might.

March 26, 2006 – 4:43 PM by Syd Lexia

      So there’s a pretty good chance the site may go down at some point during the week. I am dangerously close to exceeding my monthly bandwith limit and if that happens, the site will be down until April’s billing cycle starts. I am not going to pay the overages and I will decline any offers to do so, for reasons that I am about to explain…

      In most cases, exceeding my monthly bandwith could be considered a good thing. It would mean that my site recieves great traffic and is adored by several thousand regular visitors. And while I certainly do OK in terms of traffic, that is not the reason that my bandwith is almost gone. In recent weeks, I have been threatened by several people (or perhaps one person with multiple e-mails and way too much free time) who are angry with me over a Maddox parody hosted on my site. The page was supposed to be a private joke, but somehow it was leaked. Quite a few people have seen it now, including some of Maddox’s more rabid fans. These people can’t take a fucking joke (or spell… or put together a coherent thought) and they’re pissed at me for hosting the page. Their hostility has mostly taken the form of vulgar e-mails, but there have been a few unpleasant incidents on the forums too. If that were the full extent of the problems, I would just ignore these pricks and get on with my life. But lately, things have gotten worse.

      Over the last few days, I have noticed that my site has been using an unusually high amount of bandwith and that most of this added usage is coming from a handful of IPs. While the e-mails that I’ve received only make vague unintelligible threats, I am fairly positive that this an orchestrated attempt to crash my site. I have tried to use IP blocking to protect my bandwith but when I block one IP, a new one takes its place. Not only does this confirm my suspicions that someone is fucking with me, it also means there’s not much I can do to stop them right now. I am current working with my webhost, Dreamhost, to find a solution to this problem. I am also in contact with a lawyer about this matter. If there is any legal ground for me to sue these bastards, I’m gonna fucking rape their wallets. I think I may have a case. I am not sure if I can press charges over the bandwith attack, but there were 113 failed attempts to access the site’s FTP on March 25th. If that doesn’t constitute a hacking attempt, I don’t know what does.

      So please bear with me over the course of the next week. If the site goes down, don’t panic; I am not quitting and it will be back up at 10 AM EST on Saturday when the new billing cycle starts. Thank you.

March 25, 2006 – 2:00 PM by Syd Lexia

      Welcome to Fun With Search Engines, the weekly feature where I showcase some of the various keywords that visitors to the site typed into search engines. This FWSE report is for the week of March 12th – March 18th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. michael jackson’s moonwalker game stills – Screenshots. When they’re taken from a video game, they’re called screenshots. And if you’re looking for Moonwalker screenshots, you’ll find 39 of them in my article on Sega’s bizarre arcade game.

2. super punch out review – Hey, I’ve got one of those. If you hate the game or know nothing about it, you’ll probably enjoy it. If you like the game, you’ll be pissed.

3. sexy naked pictures of kristin cavalleri – Sorry, the only naked pictures I have of Kristin Cavallari are from a routine gynecology exam and that’s not sexy at all.

4. xanga kara beth borden – I have absolutely no idea what a Xanga is, let alone a Kara Beth Borden. Is that one of those new frittatas at Denny’s?

5. why should drunk drivers have a death penalty – So that I don’t have to see any of those heavyhanded drunk driving PSAs when I’m watching syndicated sitcoms, that’s why. Also, they’re the fucking scum of the earth.

6. what does ytmnd stand for – Gee, I don’t know. Let’s see if we can find a clues on the homepage. Look closely:

Do you give up? It stands for You’re The Man Now Dog. The site’s name comes from an unintentionally hilarious line spoken by Sean Connery in the movie Finding Forrester.

7. strawberry smells bad – Like hell it does!

      Well, that’s it for now. I’ll be back in a few days with the next edition of FWSE. Until then, you’ll have to screw around on the forums.

March 24, 2006 – 11:23 PM by Syd Lexia

      It’s been way too long, but a new article is finally up. This one is on Konami’s 1990 arcade game Aliens, based on the 1986 movie of the same name.

Well it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly feature where I review some of the search terms that brought various visitors to my site. I couldn’t make these up if I tried. Actually, I could make them up very easily, but I haven’t; these are all actual searches. This FWSE report is for the week of March 5th – March 11th. Ready? Here we go…

1. giant man eating bat – Fine, here you go:

Okay, that kinda sucked. Sorry about that. If you can do better, send it in and I’ll post it.

2. what does kitana turn into after doing animality – A rabbit. There are easier ways to find this shit out than blindly typing it into Google. For God’s sake, discover GameFAQs. Thanks for the hit though.

3. revolution x smash tv – …are both awesome games. Next!

4. super mario fucking kara borden while donkeylips watches – Not only was this one a confirmed plant, but it was planted by Dr. Jeebus. It’s nice to know that even though my brother has only contributed one article to date, he still finds time to fuck with FWSE.

5. teen age fucking on mid night hot – Teenage is one word; so is midnight. Thanks for playing.

6. conan destroyer movie download – Just fucking buy it. You can get it for under under $10 or you can get it in a two-pack with Conan The Barbarian for under $20. If you can’t afford that, then where the hell did you get a computer?

7. vincent schiavelli was he in home alone film? – I don’t know, why don’t you try looking up his filmography on IMDB? No, he wasn’t. I knew that before even looking. No one in Home Alone even ALMOST looks like him. Do you even fucking know who Vincent Schiavelli was? Fuck you.

March 9, 2006 – 12:13 AM by Syd Lexia

      A new comic is up. Does it spell the official end of the NES Drinking Saga, or is it just a convenient sight gag? YOU BE THE JUDGE. No wait, it’s my site so I should get to decide. It’s the second option, the sight gag one. Now read it.

      Welcome back once again to Fun With Search Engines, the weekly report where I chronicle some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into various search engines. Sadly, they generally don’t include Narnia. This FWSE report is for the week of February 26th – March 4th. As always, these are all real searches. Here it comes…

1. earthworm jim hentai – That’s a new one and it’s kinda scary. The Earthworm Jim characters are all pretty weird, do you *really* want to see Professor Monkey For A Head getting head from Earthworm Kim? Worms are hermaphroditic, so I’m pretty sure that looking at something like that would make you gay. Not that there’s anything wrong that.

2. larged winged bull-man guardian figures – Hey, at least it’s not hentai.

3. cartoon with cats in junkyard – That would be Cats And Co., also known as The Catillac Cats. It was part of Heathcliff’s show and it featured Riff Raff, Hector, Wordsworth, Mungo, and Cleo.

4. pop culture knowledge – Man, I wish I had some of that.

5. president afraid of the dark – That would be Bill Clinton. The reason he’s afraid of the dark is because Hillary could be hiding there somewhere, waiting for him.

6. what does half screen fatality mean – It means you have to distance yourself roughly halfway across the screen from your opponent in order for the fatality to work. In some FAQs, this is referred to as jumping distance, meaning that if you are standing next to your opponent and jump away from him, you will put yourself within the proper range to successfully execute the fatality. To see examples of close range fatalities and distanced fatalities, click here.

7. hudson’s adventure island how to kill boss – Are you fucking KIDDING me? You’ve got to be kidding. But in case you’re not, here’s a hint: THROW YOUR FUCKING WEAPON AT ITS FUCKING HEAD.

      I’m done, and that last one utterly destroyed my faith in humanity. While you wait for me to regain it, feel free to read my latest article. It’s on the Clarissa Explains It All board game. No, seriously.

March 4, 2006 – 2:34 PM by Syd Lexia

      I’ve decided to revisit two things that have helped shape my life: Catholicism and misappropriated NES sprites. What exactly does that mean? It means a new comic is up. It also means I’m going to Hell because I eat meat on Fridays.