Archive for April, 2006
April 27, 2006 – 5:33 PM by Syd Lexia

It’s a kinda late in the week but it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly report where I look at some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. This FWSE report is for the week of April 16th – April 22nd. Also, it’s beyond half-assed.

1. randy savage – Randy Savage would have made a good porn name; Horny Troglodyte just doesn’t have the same ring. I guess it doesn’t matter though, because Randy Savage fucking rules. Oh yeeeeeeeeeah!

2. schindler’s list trailer – I had completely forgotten about this. There’s nothing quite like dated jokes involving Terri Schiavo’s dad, is there?

3. vomit – Vomit is an anagram for Tim Vo. So if your last name is Vo, don’t name your kid Tim. Alternatively, if your last name is Timm, don’t name your kid Vo. I’m talking to you, Bruce Timm. Names that are anagrams for other words are fucking stupid. That’s why I picked Syd Lexia.

4. related:vimm.net/ – For some reason, I’m one of the top related sites for Vimm’s Lair on Google. Oh well, no complaints here.

5. joe & mac caveman ninja – I know those guys. I love those guys. They fucking rock.

6. fatality for jax in mk3 and cooler stuff – Cooler how? Cooler like clowns? This search seems to be based on the belief that a search engine can somehow think independently and decide what’s cool and what isn’t. Then again, it did find Part II of the Mortal Kombat Fatality Extravangza.

7. how many levels has rolling thunder – 10 levels has Rolling Thunder.

(stop reading here.)

April 25, 2006 – 3:39 PM by Syd Lexia

      So yeah, a new comic is up on the Comics page. It’s my first single panel comic ever. I figured that if Gary Larson can do it, why can’t I? He doesn’t own the format, you know. Stop acting like he does.

April 20, 2006 – 4:20 AM by Syd Lexia

April 17, 2006 – 6:41 PM by Syd Lexia

      It’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly report where I reveal some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. Also, I comment on them. This FWSE report is for the week of April 9th – April 15th. Enjoy.

1. xanga hannah lititz pa – Every time I see something involving Lititz, PA, I assume that it has to due with David Ludwig and/or Kara Beth Borden. However, this time it looks like it’s just some boy looking to stalk a girl named Hannah who lives in Lititz. So Hannah, if you’re reading this, be on your guard for psychopaths.

2. grossest naked images – Anything involving fat people, old people, badly damaged rectums, or bodily waste.

3. kara borden myspace – Oh my god, I just mentioned her a minute ago! What ever happened to her? Oh wait, I don’t really care. Well, I care in the sense that I don’t wish any further harm upon her or her family, but I don’t lie awake at night wondering if she’s OK. No, I lie awake at night wondering why the writers of 24 have turned season 5 into a total crapfest and if they’re smoking crack. If they are, they damn well better send some my way.

4. slime – By itself, the word slime could be a reference to many things. There are two things that I closely associate with slime. The first one is the green slime that was dumped on people who said “I don’t know!” on You Can’t Do That On Television. The second one is this:

Dragon Warrior.

 
5. professor utoniumThe Powerpuff Girls was a solid show and Mojo Jojo was fucking badass. I wish PPG was still on, because most of Cartoon Network’s current cartoons suck. I’m looking at you, Codename: Kids Next Door and you, Camp Lazlo.

6. mario and peach porn – You know what? Fine. You hentai-loving bastards can’t be reasoned with, so I give up. I’ll give you some SMB porn. The catch is that I’ve edited out the naughty parts:

OMG TEH PR0N!!!!

 
7. revolution x snes kill last boss – Do not, under ANY circumstances, play the SNES version of Revolution X. You should probably avoid it on the Genesis, Saturn, and PlayStation as well. Stick to the arcade version.

      That’s it for now, check the site later in the week, when there will be *actual* content. Well, unless I fuck around instead. And actually, there’s a pretty strong possibility that might happen.

April 16, 2006 – 12:04 AM by Syd Lexia

April 15, 2006 – 9:55 PM by Syd Lexia

I gave you a new article yesterday, so today I’ve decided to give you a new comic. It features professional wrestler Diamond Dallas Page and my favorite U.S. president ever. Bet you can’t guess who it is.

April 14, 2006 – 9:10 PM by Syd Lexia

      First off, there’s a new article up. This actually isn’t the article that I’ve been working on for the last few weeks, it’s something I threw together to distract you while I finish it. It’s still good though.

Now, it’s on to Fun With Search Engines, the weekly segment where I review some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. It’s a little late in the week for Fun With Search Engines, but it’s never too late. This FWSE report is for the week of April 2nd – April 8th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. how the fuck do you use a caulking gun – I feel like there’s some sort of joke I could make involving hot caulk, but the specifics elude me.

2. scorpion animality – Scorpion’s animality in Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3 turns him into a scorpion. Oh wait, no it doesn’t, because that would MAKE SENSE. Instead, Scorpions UMK3 animality turns him into a penguin.

3. color bars livejournal – As I’ve said before, IS LOVE color bars suck. But if you’d like to help out the site, use one of my IS MURDER color bars on your MySpace, LiveJournal, or Xanga.

4. female oops – Don’t know, don’t wanna know.

5. michael jackson dangerous explanation – If you really need an explanation as to why some people believe Michael Jackson is dangerous, please crawl back into the bomb shelter that you’ve been living in for the last 15 years. Subsequently, if you really thought I didn’t know that “Dangerous” is the name of a Michael Jackson song, get off my fucking site.

6. volleyball porn – No.

7. 1980s cultural wasteland – Fuck you, the 80s ruled. You want a cultural wasteland, how about 2006?

April 6, 2006 – 5:16 AM by Syd Lexia

      Michelle Trachtenberg was a guest star on Tuesday night’s episode of the hit FOX medical drama House, MD. When you are able to book a big star like Michelle, whose prior work includes Eurotrip, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and The NES Drinking Saga, you should advertise that you have her because more people will watch. FOX didn’t. Shame on them.

Tracht Fact #1: Michelle is currently dating actor Shawn Ashmore (Iceman from the X-Men movies)
Tracht Fact #2: I am going drop an anvil on actor Shawn Ashmore (Iceman from the X-Men movies)

April 4, 2006 – 9:46 AM by Syd Lexia

      It’s time for Fun With Search Engines, the SydLexia.com site report where I show you some of the keywords that visitors to the site typed into search engines. This FWSE report is for March 26th – April 1st.

1. hulk hogan i am a true american lyrics – Hulk Hogan isn’t a true American. He’s a REAL American.

2. cleo’s leg warmers heathcliff – I can only assume this search is part of some sick fetish that I want no part of.

3. mortal kombat pics of cyrax – Well, here’s one:

 
4. how to beat punch out – In order to beat Punch-Out, you must punch out all of your opponents. The easiest way to do this is to outbox and outfox them. That it to say, you should hit them more times than they hit you. Also, you should dodge their blows and then deliver your own blows. Basically, there will be a whole lot of blowing.

5. nes game where you had to beat the game so you could win a contest – Nintendo Power sponsored several contests where you had to either beat a game or progress a certain distance through it in order to enter. I can only remember two of them, both of which involved Final Fantasy. One of them was a trivia type thing where you needed to find various information such as the name of the dancer in the Coneria and a name on a tombstone in Elfland. The other Final Fantasy contest required you to get a picture of your party fighting the super rare WarMech opponent.

6. how to dance like michael jackson – Practice.

7. hermione granger nude – How about…. NO.

 
That’s it for now. Look for a new article on the main site soon. How soon? Not as soon as I’d like.

April 1, 2006 – 5:36 PM by Syd Lexia

Yes, it’s really me. And yes, I really am a douchebag. I’m not a huge fan of April Fools’ Day jokes; last year, I didn’t even do one. People are expecting jokes on April Fools’ Day, so it’s hard to pull off a good one. If you simply change around your site’s layout on April 1st, people will either groan in annoyance or laugh politely because they think it’s “cute”. The only people who will actually fall for something like that are complete idiots. So when I decided to plan out my April Fools’ Day prank, I went into it with two central ideas:

1. An April Fools’ Day Joke is only funny if you actually trick people.
2. The people who visit my site aren’t idiots.

And so, I concocted an elaborate scheme to fool everyone that was set into motion well before April Fools’ Day. And it worked. To all of you who were genuinely worried about the site, I’m sorry. If it makes you feel better, I didn’t really enjoy the prank. It was fun for a while, but after visiting the forums a few times, I felt really guilty. I thought about calling it off early several times, but I ultimately decided to see it through to the end. In order to answer any lingering questions about the joke, I’ve throw together the a FAQ.

AFD FAQ

Who was in on it?
I told Dr. Jeebus, cybersst, and S. McCracken about it. They all knew something was going to happen, just not exactly what. Valdronius and greeneyedzeke figured it out on their own after it went live.

So you didn’t actually tell your moderators? That’s cold.
Yes, I suppose it is. But it helped add to the realism. Of course, if it had been a real attack, the moderators probably would have been banned or demoted.

When did the April Fools’ Day Joke start?
March 9th. I gave cybersst an account called maddoxownsyou, I had him post a couple of threatening/annoying messages times, and then I banned him. I had him do it so that the IP couldn’t be traced back to me. Then I remembered that only moderators can check IPs, so I felt silly for going to extra lengths.

Were there actually any bandwith/hacking attacks against the site?
No, that was part of the setup too.

So were there any real problems at all?
Yes. I really did have some problems with trolls on the boards. First, there was mcdusher. While not truly a troll, he did manage to piss off half of my regulars with his bad spelling, incoherent leftist rants, and undying love for Microsoft. It boggles my mind how someone who harbors such huge mistrust towards the American government and capitalist society can openly support the world’s most evil multinational corporation, but whatever. Eventually mcdusher got bored and left. After that, things were quiet until my planned maddoxownsyou attacks. After I initiated the maddoxownsyou posts, two or three real spammers showed up. They were quickly and quietly banned.

Why did you tie Maddox into this?
Because it was believable. Maddox definitely has fans who are diehard enough and retarded enough to attempt to hack a site over an anti-Maddox statement, so I knew it would work. Maddox openly admits that many of his fans are complete idiots. That’s what happens when you design your site appeal to the lowest common denominator. If you’ve been to the site, you’ve seen the barely intelligible hate mail that he gets. According to his FAQ, “most of [his fan mail] is more poorly written than [his] hate mail”.

So do you hate Maddox?
No, not especially. I only find about 40% of his posts funny, but the good ones are fucking classics. But I’d be lying if I said that it doesn’t bug me that he does way more traffic than me. The guy rarely fucking updates and his site is still huge. But what really pisses me off is that sites like BurgerKing.com do better traffic than me. The information content Burger King’s website is much like nutrition content of their food: ZERO. But whereas BK’s food tastes good, their website is completely fucking useless.

If you don’t hate him, what’s the deal with the Haddox page?
While I was sifting through the 3000 screenshots I took of Rolling Thunder, I suddenly lost the will to write anything that would take any sort of actual analysis, reflection, and effort. So I threw together the Haddox site as a distraction. Any time I can’t think of anything good to write, I make a Haddox post instead.

Can we expect something like this next year?
Absolutely not. As a webmaster, there’s a limit to how many times you can falsely claim that you’ve been hacked without completely destroying the trust and goodwill between you and your readers. That limit is probably zero, but it’s definitely not higher than one. I do not want to build a reputation as The Boy Who Cried H4X0R3D, so I will never attempt an April Fools’ Day joke this elaborate again. If I do an April Fools’ Day joke next year, it will be blatant and silly.

Oh, and in case anyone missed it, here’s what the site looked like:

Main Page: http://www.sydlexia.com/afd2006.htm
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