Archive for December, 2006
December 29, 2006 – 10:27 PM by Syd Lexia

      Guess what? It’s time for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly site report where I take a look at some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into various search engines. This FWSE report is for the week starting December 17th and ending December 23th. As always, these are all real searches. Ready? Let’s go.

1. girls – I know my Girls of the NES article has garned some attention, but whoever found my site with this search had an amazing amount of patience. I was originally going to check out exactly how many pages into the Google search results for “girls” that you’d have to find, but I got bored by the fifth page. However, I did find this site.

2. best christmas moviesThis is still one of my favorite articles ever. My only regret is that I didn’t have room for Jack Slater III.

3. contact or mail or email or phone or fax or tel – My preferred form of contact for site-related matters is e-mail and my e-mail address appears at the end of every article on the site. It is

4. best nes game – Survey says: Super Mario 3.

5. you like fat girls – I do like fat girls, so long as they enjoy the site. But I don’t like like them. I also don’t Like Like them.

6. triple h and steph videos – The Triple H’s success in the WWE proves that it’s not who you know… it’s who you blow. If there’s one thing I don’t miss, it’s those shitty Triple H soliloquys from the McMahon-Helmsley era where The Game would come out at the beginning of each and every RAW and waste the first 30 minutes of the program saying THE SAME FUCKING THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN. In conclusion, fuck Triple H. The guy makes John Cena look like Ricky Steamboat.

7. cute shorts with names on them – Shorts with names on them are for whores. Stupid whores.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

December 28, 2006 – 7:58 PM by Syd Lexia

Two weeks ago, I issued a challenge: bring me the head of Rachael Ray. I am happy to say that the Rachael Ray Challenge has ended. I would like to thank myself, as I am the one who procured it. I rock. Except to see that stupid bitch in all sorts of comprising positions in the future. Until then, here’s a shot of her under my Christmas tree:

December 27, 2006 – 8:22 PM by Syd Lexia

      Last night, the nation lost Gerald Ford, the 38th President of the United States. I don’t have much to say about Gerald Ford, except he seemed like a nice guy. Apparently, he was my favorite president at one point. When I visited the Smithonsonian museums on a family vacation in August of 1992, one of the souvenirs I bought was a Gerald R. Ford coin. It cost me $2.75:

Rest in peace, Mr. President.

December 25, 2006 – 11:34 AM by Syd Lexia

December 22, 2006 – 9:49 PM by Syd Lexia

      It’s been far too long, but now it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the site report where I review some of the search queries that brought visitors to my site. This FWSE report is for the four week period starting November 26th and ending December 16th. As always, these are all real searches. Let’s begin…

1. cartoon female president – That’s a rather apropos search, because you’ll never ever see a female U.S. president anywhere outside of cartoons. And yes, I do consider Geena Davis to be a cartoon.

2. beach patrol hulk hogan – He likes to party, party, party.

3. animals christmas eve – The book? Here you go.

4. phosporic acid what is it – It’s one of the main ingredients of cola.

5. why mola ram kills people – So that Steven Spielberg and Richard Conway could show off their kickass special effects skills.

6. syd lexia is gay – You’re only saying that because you’re mad I fucked your mom last week. You know, the one who’s been dead for ten years?

7. hayden panettiere – Save the cheerleader, send her to my hotel room.

8. gamefaqs character battle – If you want to learn about the GameFAQs character battles, maybe you should go to GameFAQs. Or you could come to the forums and vote in our character battle. The chicken from Legend of Zelda: A Link To The Past is currently the favorite to win.

9. lexia raisins – Lexia raisins are not a product of Don’t buy them. Send me money instead.

10. samus aran hentai – For the last time, NO HENTAI!

11. original rampage nes level count – I’m confused by the use of the word ORIGINAL here. There was only one NES version of Rampage and it was not the original version; the game debuted in arcade. But to answer the actual question at hand, the NES version has 128 levels.

12. all christmas films made – Good luck with that.

13. i hate my fucking boss – That seems more like a blog entry than a search query. It also seems like a good way to get fired if your employer monitors your internet usage. Also, I’d find this search way more interesting if MY and FUCKING were transposed.

14. how to do super punch move – I can’t help you because I don’t know what video game we’re talking about here. I assume it’s a video game anyway, because I don’t recall anyone inventing any sort of super punch move in the real world.

15. best cliffhanger movie – Um, what is… Cliffhanger?

16. contra sucks – The hell you say!

17. medicine for fucking girl – What, like rufies?

18. girlfriend christmas party game – The best Christmas party game to play with your girlfriend is Stuff The Stocking. Incidentally, it’s also a fun game to play with someone else’s girlfriend.

19. best xmas thing – Presents!

20. nes game yoyo – It’s probably either StarTropics or Yo! Noid.

21. forest law vs liu kang – Ah, the battle of the Bruce Lee clones. On the one hand, Forest Law has never been killed, which seems to indicate that he’s the better fighter. On the other hand, Liu Kang is currently an angry undead zombie filled with murderous rage. Also, Liu Kang has fatalities. Advantage: Liu Kang.

22. steven irwin hentai – That doesn’t even make sense.

23. sydlexia hate sites – I wish there were Syd Lexia hate sites out there… that would add a new dimension of legitimacy to my work.

24. buttsex banana blood – That’s gross. You know what? Fuck this. I don’t need this. I’m outta here.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

December 13, 2006 – 9:31 AM by Syd Lexia

      God, I fucking hate Rachael Ray. Not only does she have an incredibly annoying voice, but every word out of her mouth is idle chatter. Listening to Rachael Ray talk is like listening to a teenage girl tell you about her day at junior high school; nothing she has to say is remotely interesting, but she keeps on talking anyway. The worst part is, Rachael Ray is everywhere. She has 5 television shows, her own magazine, and she’s currently starring in a series of Nabisco ads. But now she’s gone too far. The other day I walked into my local supermarket and saw this:

      Yes, now Rachael Ray can be seen in gigantic fucking floor displays at a supermarkets everywhere. This sickens me, so am I extending an open challenge to everyone out there: Bring Me The Head Of Rachael Ray! Actually, bring me her whole upper torso. I need a new dartboard, and Rachael Ray would be perfect. If you enjoy the site, this would be a nice way to repay me. I’ve kept free of banner ads and other crap, so give me head. No, not like that. If you are able to procure Rachael Ray, contact me.

NOTE:’s Bring Me The Head Of Rachael Ray Challenge is not a contest. Furthermore, does not endorse the employment of any illegal activities or tactics in the challenge. This list of activities includes but is not limited to theft, murder, and rape.

December 8, 2006 – 8:50 PM by Syd Lexia

      I got my Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin preorder package today. And by that, I mean the UPS guy left it lying unguarded on my front porch in subfreezing weather while I was at work. I’m kinda pissed at EB… those cheap bastards sent the game out in a padded envelope instead of a cardboard box. As a result, the plastic collector’s box got banged up a little bit.

      I’m also slightly disappointed with Konami; they really should have included a hard plastic case for the Castlevania music CD. Other than that, everything is in perfectly working order and it is fucking badass. I am gonna play the hell out of this game. On a COMPLETELY unrelated note, the site is now officially closed for the next two weeks.

Just kidding.

(Or am I?)

December 3, 2006 – 9:18 PM by Syd Lexia

      So it seems that the Girls of the NES article that I wrote last May has suddenly caught on in a big way. It has recently been linked to on a bunch sites, and that list includes high traffic locales such as Digg, I-Am-Bored, StumbleUpon, Kotaku, and Destructoid. As a result, the site has received its highest Alexa daily traffic ranking ever: 3,302. Additionally, my overall traffic ranking has finally broken 50,000. I know it won’t last, but it’s still pretty fucking cool.