Monday is the day that new Virtual Console games come out, so I decided to check out the Wii Shop Channel and see what came out. The answer? Nothing special. Three games came out today, none of which are really worth my money. First there was Bio-Hazard Battle, a fairly obscure space shooter for the Sega Genesis. Then there was Chew Man Fu, an even more obscure puzzle game for the TurboGrafx-16. Since these were both first party games for their respective consoles, it would appear that Sega and Hudson are hoping to use the VC to squeeze some extra money out of the forgotten games in their back catalog. It’s a clever idea, but the price isn’t right. Who in the hell is going to pay $8 to download a Genesis game they’ve never heard of? Certainly not I. Maybe this is just me, but if I haven’t heard of an older game, I’m fairly skeptical of its quality. I’d want to try a Genesis game out before committing $8 to it, and through the magic of internet piracy, I can. Of course, then I don’t need to buy it. When pricing games for the Virtual Console, Nintendo needs to realize there is an ever delicate balance. Online piracy is thriving and there’s not really anything Nintendo can do to stop it; God knows the RIAA has tried. Does that mean Nintendo and others shouldn’t attempt to make money off their older games? Of course not. But they DO need to take piracy into consideration when pricing stuff. Nintendo needs to figure out what amount of money that people will be willing to pay to legally download old games rather than pirating them, especially when the game in question is not well-known. I don’t know exactly what that amount is, but I’ll give you a hint: it’s certainly not $8 for a Genesis game. But that’s not what really upsets me. No, it’s the third and final game released today that really pisses me off. The game? The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. Now, I’m not one of those assholes who thinks that the Zelda franchise died when it went to 3D; I fucking love OoT. Hell, I even agree that $10 for an N64 game is a fair price. But here’s the problem: Nintendo already gave me the game for free. TWICE.
 

      First there was the promotional copy of Ocarina of Time that I got for preordering the oft-maligned Wind Waker. The freebie disc contained not only Ocarina, but the Master Quest expansion for the 64DD as well. It may have just been a remapping of the game, but it was still cool. And as I mentioned before, this was the first of TWO promotions where Nintendo gave away free copies of OoT…
 

      My second free copy of Ocarina came almost a year later. Nintendo Power ran a promotion sometime in either late 2003 or early 2004 where NP subscribers could register three serial codes from select Nintendo Products and receive a special Zelda anthology for their Gamecube. The anthology included Zelda, Zelda 2, Ocarina, and Majora’s Mask. A Link To The Past was excluded because it had just been released for the GBA. Despite this omission, the Zelda anthology was probably the best freebie ever, even morese than the Portrait of Ruin preorder package. But that doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I have two copies of Ocarina that I can play in my Wii.

      Don’t misunderstand me, my gripe here is not that Nintendo should be giving away Ocarina of Time for free on the Virtual Console. I’m sure there are people out there who would appreciate it, but I could give a fuck less since I can already play it whenever I want. My gripe is that Nintendo isn’t catering to its diehard fans. Ocarina of Time is a great game, but releasing it on the VC is a waste of our fucking time. Gamecube owners had two separate chances to get their hands on the game, and those of us who wanted it, got it. We don’t NEED another opportunity to obtain it. And that of course says nothing of those of us who still have our N64s hooked up. Nintendo, give us something we haven’t seen before. Give us SimCity 64. Give us Sin And Punishment. That, or give us some good multiplayer games. Mario Kart 64 was a good start, now give us No Mercy and Goldeneye. Stop jerking us around.

      It’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring site report where I take a look at some of the keywords that visitors to SydLexia.com typed into search engines. This FWSE report is for the week beginning February 11th and ending February 17th. Don’t get up, because the show is about to begin…

1. shitty street fighter 1 1987 – Basically everything you need to know about Street Fighter I can be found in that search query. Street Fighter was released in 1987. It was really fucking shitty. THE END.

2. kill ultimatefierce – Hey now. UltimateFierce is good people. If you try and kill him, you’ll quickly find yourself up against the entire roster of the SydLexia.com forums. Believe me, you don’t want that. We have this one guy, Murdar Machene, he can maim a man five different ways with a hard-boiled egg.

3. bald chicks – Bald chicks are NOT attractive. Not even Robin Tunney in Empire Records. Not even Natalie Portman in V For Vendetta. And especially not the newly psychotic Britney Spears:

 
4. birdo porn – This is probably the most disturbing hentai search that I’ve ever seen. I can’t even begin to imagine how socially maladjusted a person would have to be to get off on Birdo porn. You know Birdo, right? The egg-spitting villain from SMB2? It looks like this:

      It’s sad to think someone could actually beat off to pictures of this thing getting fucked. Even sadder is the fact that if you turn off SafeSearch and do a Yahoo Image search for Birdo, the second picture is Toad giving it to Birdo up the ass. God, I hate the internet.

5. how much did 1989 batman make – According to IMDB, which is where you would have looked if you weren’t a fucking retard, Tim Burton’s Batman grossed an estimated $413,200,000 USD worldwide. And that’s just the box office take. The movie made an additional $150,500,000 in USA video rentals.

6. the wrld gams – You know what’s cool? VOWELS. You should try using more of them.

7. wwe is scripted – If I had a secretary, I’d tell her to file this under NO SHIT, SHERLOCK. I really wish I had a secretary, that would be awesome. And if she was also a nurse, a licensed teacher, and my friend’s hot mom, I could use her to fulfill just about every stereotypical male fantasy ever.

      Well, that was relatively painless. For those of you playing at home, I have successfully posted an FWSE each week for two consecutive weeks. Tune in next week to see I can make it three consecutive weeks or if I’ll fuck off and forget about it.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      Well, I finally got some new toys and you know what that means… at least I hope you do. Since it’s been a while, I guess I wouldn’t hate you too much if you didn’t know.

It means it’s time for a new comic.

      In news that could have been brought to your attention yesterday, Valdronius has joined the site staff. His first article, a review of Pocky & Rocky, is now up. Enjoy.

      So Sunday was my birthday. Consequently, I received some presents from my loving family members. From my grandmother, I received two DS games (Hotel Dusk, Rocket Slime) and a Wii remote. Hotel Dusk was purchased at a Target, while the remote and Rocket Slime were purchased at an Electronics Boutique in Canton, Massachusetts. After I had opened the package my grandmother told me the story of how she came by these items. She went into EB looking for a Wii-mote and expecting to walk out empty-handed but they actually had them. While she was there she attempted to procure Hotel Dusk as well but was told it was “impossible” to find. Unable to get that, she got me Rocket Slime. The clerk asked her if she wanted a new copy or used copy. Being as it was a present, she opted to get me a new copy… at least, that’s what she paid for.

      Today I decided to bust open Rocket Slime and play it. As I went to open the box, I noticed that it was not wrapped in plastic as new games usually are. Instead, there was just a translucent circluar sticker over the box. It was a USED copy. I was mildly annoyed by this, but I didn’t *really* care; since the DS games are cartridges, there was little chance of the game being damaged in any meaningful way. Upon opening the box, I immediately checked to see if the instruction manual and other assorted paper goods were in the box. I will probably never read these materials, but it’s nice to know I have them if I need them. Upon inspection, everything seemed to be in order on the left side of the case. Then I reached into the right side of the case to get the game. One small problem: THERE WAS NO FUCKING GAME IN THE CASE. So, to summarize:

1. My grandmother was charged for a new copy of a DS game.
2. She was given a used copy.
3. There wasn’t a game in the box they gave her.

      I’m really not surprised this happened; EB/GameStop is a fucking joke. While their video game selection is slightly better than retail stores like Target, Circuit City, and Best Buy, their stock and service rarely are. If you want to buy a video game at Best Buy, it’s a simple process: you walk in, look through the racks, take the games you want, and bring them to the register. At EB, it’s slightly more complicated. When you walk into one of their closet-sized stores, you have to go to the desk for service. Don’t let those boxes on the walls fool you, those are just there to show you what games they THINK they have in stock. But if you actually want to BUY a game, you’ll have to go to the counter and ask one of the store employees if they have it. Then you’ll have to wait while they rummage through their game cabinet to see if they have it. Oh, and you’ll probably have to wait in a line of about seven people before you actually get to this point. Of the seven people in front of you, at least three of them will be clueless parents with no less than two minutes worth of stupid ass questions apiece. Then when it’s finally your turn to inquire about the game you desire, they’ll probably just laugh at you and tell you should have preordered it. If for some reason they DO have the game you want, you’re still in for a world of shit. They’ll try to sell you an extended warranty that you don’t fucking need, then try to convince you to preorder everything from Halo 3 to Disney’s Herbie Rescue Rally. If you do decide to preorder a game, please note that it doesn’t actually guarantee you a copy on release day. Preordering a game is a lot like getting Fast Pass at Disney World; it just gives you a slightly shorter line to wait in. EB has no qualms about taking more preorders than they can fill, so you better be waiting outside the store before they open if you want to make sure your preorder is successfully filled.

      Back when EB was the only serious video game retailer in town, they could get away with their trademark poor service. These days, the gaming companies are getting sick of it. Nintendo in particular seems to taking special delight in screwing over EB. EB has been propagating a story that Hotel Dusk is “impossible” to find. THIS SIMPLY ISN’T TRUE. EB may not be getting many copies of it, but Nintendo is sending crates of the game to Target. Nintendo is also screwing over EB in the Wii deparment. I recently heard an EB employee bemoan the fact that Nintendo was only sending them 3-6 Wiis per shipment. You know why they’re only sending you asshole 3-6 Wiis per shipment? It’s easy, because they’re sending them all to better stores like Target, Wal*Mart, Best Buy, and Circuit City. These stores keep better hours than you, they’re cleaner, and they inherently attract more customers. Personally, I think Nintendo has the right idea. EB is like an aging goldfish; sure it was cute at first, but now it’s just taking up space. All you can do is stop feeding it and wait for it to die.

      On a completely unrelated note, Nintendo recently added The Legend of Kage to the Wii Virtual Console for the incredibly optimistic price of $5. In a just world, people who willingly paid money to play The Legend Of Kage would be spared from actually playing it. Instead, the Wii would download a streaming video of Reggie pointing and laughing. That, or they’d get five bullets to face.

      After a lengthy absence, it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines. FWSE has been MIA since December 30th, and the reason for that is that I’ve been drunk since New Year’s Eve and I’m just now sobering up. Now, some of you may wonder why if I was able to post on the forums and write two articles between now and New Year’s Eve if I’ve been drunk this whole time. Easy. It’s a lot easier to write stuff when you’re drunk as hell than it is to look at site logs. Have you ever looked at site logs? They’re fucking annoying. Anyway, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. It may be a lie, but it’s a believable lie. It’s the little lie that could. And it’s better than the truth, which is that I’m a lazy douche.

      Honestly, I didn’t think that people would miss FWSE as much as they did. I thought I could get away with not doing it, but many of my forum members were quite vocal on the subject: “Where’s FWSE?” “When are you doing the FWSE?” “Why are you aren’t you writing the FWSE?” And so on and so forth. But now it’s back. So if you’ve been dying to see some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines, look no further, because here it is. This FWSE report is for the 42 day period beginning December 31st and ending February 10th. Ready or not, here it comes…

1. game zoma – The only game I know of with a Zoma in it is Dragon Warrior III, where the final boss bears that name. The game also happens to be the absolute best NES RPG ever, so if you haven’t played it yet, do so now.

2. iam not able perform fatality in mortal kombat deception – Sucks to be you.

3. gamefaqs character battle – I’m far too lazy to fill out predictions for the GameFAQs character battles, but I usually vote in them. Recently, a character battle ended that was far more epic than the every GameFAQs character battle combined: The SydLexia.com Character Battle! The winner was crowned on February 9th and that winner was Tebor, who beat out jonnymorgue and myself in the final round. Congratulations, Tebor

4. all the fun games for boy and girl – There’s only one fun game that a boy and girl can play together and you have to take your clothes off to play it. That game is Parcheesi.

5. crappy NES games – You know what’s not a crappy NES game? SCAT. Isn’t that ironic?

6. stupid taito – You better shut your ignorant inbred whore mouth before I do it for you. Taito fucking rocks.

7. find whistles on super mario bros 3 – I’m probably a *little* biased since I was growing up when this game first came out, but that’s the stupidest fucking question I’ve ever heard. EVER!

8. girl makes video for boyfriend -You’re probably thinking of Libby Hoeller, whose webcam videos have been widely circulated via P2P networks since the year 2000. It’s funny, Libby Hoeller made her videos while attending the University of Wisconsin-Madison and then a few years later, a student from the University of Wisconsin-Platteville named Maria Lutzke made a video for her boyfriend that ended up all over the internet as well. I guess the lesson here is that there’s nothing to do in Wisconsin except masturbate on your webcam. And for the record, the UWP video is way hotter.

9. what is the difference between the wwf and the wwe – A cease & desist order and a whole lot of stagnation.

10. batman is a fucking crap bastard shit – Tourette’s Syndrome is a serious disease. Seriously hilarious, that is.

11. mortel combat pictures – Mortel Combat? MORTEL COMBAT? It takes not one, not two, but three emoticons to properly illustrate the disgust I’m feeling right now:

12. samus taught us that a girl doesn’t need brains to be successful – Damn that’s a good line, I wish I wrote it. Oh wait. I did. Sweet!

13. can you find me a site where you can dress up ariel the mermaid – First of all, a search engine is not a person. The only search engine that PRETENDED to be a person, Ask Jeeves, has morphed into the extremely craptacular Ask.com. And since a search engine is not a person, you don’t need to phrase your search in the form of a question. When you do that, you add unnecessary keywords into your search that make it less accurate. Secondly, no one’s gonna find you a gay ass dress-up site. Not Google, not Yahoo, and certainly not me. You wanna dress up a goddam mermaid? Fuck that. You can dress up Jesus instead.

14. bowser fucking peach – You know, the internet is a pretty pathetic place… a place where one can, in fact, actually find Nintendo hentai. Here’s a heavily edited artist’s rendition of what Bowser fucking Peach might look like:

 
15. mario fucks peach – I think that’s enough hentai for one day. It’s certainly enough SMB-related hentai for one day.

16. black girls over 50 years are fucking – I bet they are, but I sure as fuck don’t wanna see it. I don’t wanna see ANYONE over 50 fucking. I mean, come on. Also, while the terms “woman” and “girl” are semi-interchangeable, a woman stops being a “girl” long before she hits 50. I believe the official cut off is somewhere around 30. So for those of you playing at home, Jennie Garth is no longer a hot “girl”, but Jenna Haze is.

17. kid icarus being an eggplant – Fuck off, you racist son of a bitch! Also, Kid Icarus was white.

18. autistic porn – Once again:

19. porn sites of girls under 18 yo – That’s wicked illegal, yo.

20. dinosaur toys 90s rubber – My best guess would be Playskool’s Definitely Dinosaurs, which were manufactured from 1987 to 1996.

21. nes game – We did not find results for: nes game. Broaden your search by using fewer words.

22. where do christmas movies take place – In a wide variety of locales, both real and fictional.

23. sydlexia krislexia – You stay the hell away from my sister! I’ll fucking kill you!

24. are you afraid of the dark coming back – Am I afraid of the dark coming back? How could I be, when the dark never left. In fact, it’s getting stronger. And if we’re not careful, this growing darkness will consume our very souls.

25. rachel ray nude – I’d rather see the annoying bitch dead than nude.

26. clarissa explains it all – To the best of my knowledge, Clarissa never explained teenage pregnancy.

27. fairly oddparents porn – This comes up a disturbing number of times in the site logs.

28. top competitive nes games – Technically speaking, the three most competitive NES games out there are Super Mario Bros., Rad Racer, and Tetris, as those were three games that were used to evaluate players in 1990 Nintendo World Championship.

29. bubble bobble level 57 – Its NES password is FEJJJ. God, I fucking hate that level:

 
30. bad ass nicknames – Spanky McCracken and Douche McCallister are both good ones… too bad they’re taken.

31. coat hanger abortion diagram – Fantastic.

32. is caffeine free pepsi good for you – Not especially. It’s better for you than caffeinated Pepsi though. To really drink healthy, you should drink Caffeine Free Diet Pepsi. Of course, at that point, you might as well just drink seltzer water.

33. no music on mtv anymore reality shows – Yup, MTV sucks ass. Hell, even VH1 sucks now. Has anyone seen The White Rapper Show? It’s quite possibly the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. The premise is this: skinny white guys with crooked teeth and fat chicks who look more Hispanic than white compete to see whose rhymes suck the least. If you like this show, you should be shot.

34. underrated nes games – The Magic of Scheherazade immediately springs to mind.

35. reality tv and violence – Reality TV definitely leads to violence. Specifically, it leads to me smashing television sets.

36. mortal combat red and yellow robots – Those would be Sektor and Cyrax. And it’s Kombat, dammit!

37. succeed in jungle hunt – That sounds like a command. Luckily, it’s one that’s easy for me to obey.

38. hayden panettiere fake nude pictures – First off, whatever happened to imagination? Secondly, she deserves better than that.

39. nude nes emulator – What does that even mean? You want an NES emulator that’s nude? You want an NES emulator that emulates nude games? I DON’T FUCKING UNDERSTAND!!!

40. kara borden – It may be old news, but it still gets hits for some reason.

41. hillary clinton’s cookie recipe – Heh, more like Nestlé Tollhouse’s cookie recipe.

42. девушки – A magic spell? No wait, it’s Russian. Fucked if I know what it means. It’s probably some creepy porn search, because Russians are goddam perverts.

      Well, that’s it for now. I learned a valuable lesson today: the longer I put off doing FWSE, the longer it takes to finally complete it. Never again will I wait so long to finish an FWSE. Never. Tune in next when Fun With Search Engines will most definitely return for yet another installment.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      In a shocking turn of events, Anna Nicole Smith suddenly passed away yesterday. As someone who has, uh, thoroughly enjoyed her Playboy shoots, I was greatly shocked and disappointed by her death. And so, I would like to offer up the following eulogy:

Anna Nicole, when people look back at your life, I think the thing they’ll remember most is that you were really, really hot. And while this hotness was sometimes marred by your massive weight fluctuations, reality show antics, and prolonged legal battles, deep down we all still knew it was there. To us, the general public, you were always that smoking hot babe from the nudie mags. And when we found out that your character in Naked Gun 33⅓ was a hermaphrodite, we paused for a second, thought about it, then we decided we’d still do you. Even in death, we’d probably still do you. We might settle for Jill Kelly though, being as she’s still alive. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Amen.

      I believe that Anna Nicole Smith deserves to be mourned, and I for one shall mourn her. Out of respect for Anna Nicole, I pledge to refrain from masturbating to pictures of her for two weeks. Well, maybe one week. Well, maybe a day. How about an hour?