It’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly site feature where I take a look at some of words that visitors to my site typed into various search engines. This FWSE report is for the week beginning December 16th and ending December 22nd. As always, these are all real searches.

1. erin esurance porn – I’ve decided to open with Erin Esurance this week. You know she’s coming, so I figure I might as well get her out of the way first. On a side note, I’m currently the #1 Google result for Erin Esurance porn.

2. law of the west accolade – Valdronius reviewed the classic Commodore 64 game here.

3. do men prefer getting head or having sex – Having sex is generally preferable, but depending on the situation and location, head can be just as good. Skill level also plays an important factor in this debate. When a girl isn’t good at giving head, it’s not fun for either party involved. Bad sex is always better than bad head.

4. chinese boxer funny punch to the face – Me so solly? Fuck, that was awful. I apologize.

5. koosh tennis – I can’t ever seem to get my friends drunk enough to play a rousing game of Koosh Tennis…

 
6. how come umk3 classic sub zero first fatality is censored – Because Congressional hearings put pressure on Midway to crank out a kinder, gentler, cartoonier Mortal Kombat game.

7. zelda wind waker hentai – This is completely wrong for a number of reasons. But most importantly, I have no interest in ever seeing cel-shaded porn.

8. how to beat the frog in mario 2 – Are you fucking stupid? Do you want me to fucking draw you a fucking map? Do you!? Well, fine. Here’s a fucking map. Enjoy it.

 
9. best snes games – I’m too fucking angry about that last one to provide the link.

10. erin esurance hentai – I’m still angry, so I don’t even care that this is a fucking repeat of the first one.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      Merry Christmas everybody. If you were one of the lucky people on the SydLexia.com forums who happened to be in my Wii Address Book, you received a most excellent gift in the form of Donkey Kong Junior Math. It’s no use retaliating, because I’ll play pretty much anything. Well, except Power Golf. Nicely played, greeneyedzeke.

And now for something completely different, some harassing out-of-sync Christmas graphics:

A new Christmas article is up.

      Now it’s time for Fun With Search Engines, the (theoretically) weekly site feature where I take a look at some of the keywords that brought visitors to my site. This FWSE report is for the week beginning December 9th and ending December 15th. As always, these are all real searches. Let’s begin…

1. to hell with sesame street – Hey now. Sesame Street may have ruined my life, but it’s still pretty awesome.

2. golden book animals christmas eve – Let’s see, did I ever read a Golden Book called The Animals’ Christmas Eve? Like a motherfuckin’ motherfucker.

3. are there any hentai involving food – Well, people eat squid and octopus, so I guess you could count any hentai that involves tentacles as food-related. Oh yeah, and there’s probably some Veggie Tales hentai out there too.

4. stone crab christmas ornament – I’d rather have a Stone Roses Christmas ornament.

5. fuck everything t-shirts – I agree. I fucking hate those things.

 
6. cold november rain – Hey asshole, it’s December.

7. girl in christmas costume gets fucked – I’m pretty sure that Naughty America is all over that.

8. father christmas bowling game – Uh, could it be Elf Bowling? You know, the greatest Christmas-themed game ever made? If you’re thinking of Elf Bowling, you’re probably thinking of POINTLESS BULLSHIT. Play Elf Bowling instead.

 
9. erin esurance sex – Die, motherfucker.

10. best snes games – What better way to end this than with a cheap plug?

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

     It’s time once again for Fun With Searches, that recurring site report where Syd gives humourous commentary on some of the keywords that brought visitors to SydLexia.com. If you’re wondering why Syd had begun speaking in third person, fear not. This FWSE is coming to you from your good friend Valdronius. This report covers the four week period from October 14th through to November 10th.

1. underrated nes games – Micro Machines, Hogan’s Alley, and North and South are all pretty underrated.

2. legend of zelda sex – Legend has it that Zelda is female.

3. animated fucking – Don’t believe everything you see in pornography. There’s really no such thing as animated fucking. Having sex with a girl is like having sex with a dead fish. All they ever do is just lie there.

4. last arnold movie – You need to be more specific sparky. Are we talking Last Action Hero? The last movie Arnold was in? Are we talking about Schwarzenegger, or some other Arnold? The last movie Arnold from Happy Days was in was Royal Kill. Rest in Peace Mr. Miyagi, Rest in Peace.

5. macho women fucking – If you’re searching for masculine women engaging in sexual acts, there’s a pretty good chance you might be gay. If you were searching for ‘Macho Man fucking women’, then I could probably help you out. Oh YEEEEEEAH!

6. this years mcdonalds halloween promotion – Healthy eating Grimace. He’s lost a lot of weight and feels great about himself, all because of McDonald’s healthy choice menu. Instead of being bell-shaped, he’s lost all that excess fat and is now the same diameter from head to toe. Grimace toys are 8″ tall and 2″ thick. A great toy with a great message.

7. hairy stomach – It’s called a treasure trail and women find it absolutely irresistable.

8. fat people run – Like hell they do.

9. mileena hentai – Ever hear of a Black & Decker pecker wrecker? Well, it would be kinda like that.

 
10. nes red blue balls difficult flying bitch – There’s nothing I hate more than when a bitch is being difficult and ends up giving me blue balls. If you’ve got some excuse like “I have a boyfriend” or “I’m saving myself for true love” or “I’m dizzy. I think somebody put something in my drink” then don’t bother rubbing your body against me. It’s only going to make me see red, and when that happens, I’m going to send you flying.

11. names of movies with fucking scenes – Such movies are commonly refered to as ‘Porn’. Typically their titles are clever puns, often of other movies, such as Saving Ryan’s Privates, or Flesh Gordon.

12. hulk hogan did drugs in the 80’s – Hulk Hogan did your mom in the 80’s. Aw snap.

13. shannon elizabeth fucked by snowman – Melts in your mouth, not in your hand.

14. cave of time wow – Not exactly the reaction I had when I read the book, but to each their own I guess.

15. venom childrens mask – I find it more efficient to insert the poison directly into the Halloween candy, rather than lacing the masks at the store. Ingestion is far more lethal.

16. prehistoric cavemen: how did they get their food – The same way everyone else does. Kill rival cavemen and malicious dinosaurs until they drop food.

17. triple h monologues – There is not enough time, nor enough server space to document all of HHH’s snore fests. Dammit, now you’ve gone and made me angry.

18. the best snes games you dont know about – The Final Option. No wait, I know about that one. Let’s see, how do I best answer a logically impossible request? With a face full of buckshot.

19. beautiful girls who shit – You must be talking about those 2 Girls 1 Cup chicks. Man that’s hot. Just thinking about it makes me wanna go eat a Reese’s.

20. sometimes women aren’t sluts – Bullshit. Who the fuck told you that?

21. street fucking – It’s a lot less common than one might think. Spontaneous song and dance numbers are fine, but if you’ve ever tried to have sex on pavement, you know what I mean when I say that street fucking is a bad idea.

22. christmas ornaments for those that are in heaven – I hear American Greetings has the most adorable ‘Baby’s First Christmas Out Of Purgatory’ ornaments. I wouldn’t bother buying one though, shipping costs to Heaven are fucking ridiculous.

23. go on lexia free – So far as I know, Syd doesn’t charge. For anything.

 
24. fucking father christmas – It was your dad you idiot. It was your dad dressed as Santa. Now both your parents are dead and you’re going to jail.

25. unconscious fuck stories – All my best fuck stories involve someone being unconscious. Her parents asleep upstairs, her roommate in the next room, her boyfriend passed out on the couch, her. Good times.

26. any video available girls get fucked play now – If you are so desperate to find porn online that you are willing to take any video the internet will offer to you, you really don’t know how to use the internet.

27. no bullshit preteen nude pics – If you have been searching for illegal, underage porn for so long that you need to tell your search engine to cut the bullshit, you really need to be put down.

28. best way to convince a girl to have sex with you – Rohypnol.

      Once upon a time there was a website called IGN that thought it was somehow justified in charging people for the privilege of joining their shitty ass forums. They saw that SomethingAwful was doing it, so they decided to copy them… I guess shitty sites think alike. So I was going through yesterday’s site log and I noticed I had 600 hundred hits from a blog on IGN. Intrigued, I clicked on it and saw a screenshot of Qix from my Taito article. Now, normally I don’t have any problem with hotlinking. I have plenty of bandwith and if people want to use my images, I’m cool with it. But then I noticed that the owner of the blog was Erik Brudvig, the head of IGN’s XBox 360 department. Being as he was an IGN employee, I decided to fuck with him. Using my mad htaccess skils, I redirected all use of the Qix image by IGN to a better image, namely this one:

      The image was up for about four hours before anyone at IGN actually noticed. Suck on that, you worthless bastards. For anyone who’s interested, here are some screenshots of the blessed event:

BEFORE
DURING
AFTERMATH

      It’s time yet again for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring site feature where I take a look at some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. This FWSE report is for the week beginning December 2nd and ending December 8th As always, these are all real searches.

1. erin esurance nude – Everything I ever really needed to know about Erin Esurance I learned from a SydLexia.com wiki page.

2. random disgusting shit – What the fuck do you think this is? 4chan?

3. best nes game – For the last fucking time, it’s Super Mario 3:

 
4. when did the first nintendo appear – To make it appear, here’s what you have to do. When you wake up, leave the building you start in and walk back and forth on first three or squares in front of it. 99 times out of 100, a Slime will appear, but there is a slight chance that you will encounter your first Nintendo. It has 160 HP and a moderate attack rating. If you are not at least Level 5 and you do not have the Iron Armor and Copper Sword, you will not be able to win the battle.

5. Martha McIsaac forum – You can talk about Martha MacIsaac as much as you want on my forums. With a little bit of luck, we can make the SydLexia.com forums the #1 destination for Martha MacIsaac fans, and God willing, Martha MacIsaac herself.

6. in soviet russia hentai fucks you – That happens everywhere, not just in Soviet Russia. Watch out for those tentacles, man.

7. where to find nes games – Here’s a little fucking clue:

 
8. hammerin harry nes – The NES version is pretty meh. Check out the SNES version or the original arcade game instead.

9. kara borden – Kara Borden is irrelevant now; she doesn’t even have her own Wikipedia page anymore.

10. how to wins a girls heart in a conversation – Wait until some yells FATALITY and then rip it out.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

It’s been revamped and now includes info on Valdronius as well as the moderators.

      Now it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring site report where I take a look at some of the keywords that brought visitors to my site. This FWSE report is for three week period beginning November 11th and ending December 1st. As always, these are all real searches.

1. best nes games – The best NES games? That’s so very, very last year. Why not read about the 100 best SNES games ever instead?

2. hasbro battle trolls – I can still remember the song from the original commercial:

My name is Angus, Gus to my pals. I turn everything into an arsenal!

3. prizes for girls for fucking – There are only five possible prizes that a girl can win for outstanding fucking: a trophy from Adult Video News, money, spermicide, an economy size bottle of RU-486, or a coupon for 25% off your next abortion.

4. best christmas movies – Best this, best that. I’m sick of seeing the word “best” in my fucking site logs. Oh well, here’s THIS.

5. hey ho come on down the beach – That’s what I said to your mom.

6. camp lazlo hentai – Yeah, about that…

 
7. fatality de kitana – Hey Frenchy, shouldn’t you be searching for fatalité de kitana instead? Yeah, I thought so. Have another glass of red wine, ya shifty Huguenot bastard.

8. navigating the south castle in nes dragon warrior – You’re a lazy fucking bastard. If you seek to defeat the Dragonlord, do it the way we did it back in 80s: explore the castle on your own and keep trying until you fucking get it right. Maps are for losers. But if you’re really too much of a pussy to beat the final dungeon without a map, there’s one on GameFAQs, which is a site that you should have heard of by now because EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD HAS. You suck pretty hard there, guy.

9. shannon elizabeth fucked jack frost – Yes she did. It’s a shame she hasn’t done anything interesting in years.

10. narcis prince is gay – That’s not fair. Narcis Prince deserves respect.

 
11. female cat that garfield tries to impress – That would be Arlene.

12. what are nes games – I refuse to dignify that with a response.

13. i want watch the whole smooth criminal – Me fail English? That’s unpossible!

14. full house – Full House? How about Royal Flush?

 
15. cats – There no cats in America and the streets are paved with cheese. No, there are no cats in America, so set your mind at ease.

16. pepsi vs. coke – Fuck that. Shampoo vs. conditioner is a far more interesting debate.

17. bands of the 80s that were makeup – There aren’t any bands from the 1980s that “were” makeup. However, singer Boy George is actually a golem built entirely out of Revlon products.

18. four way fuck in dungeon – I hate BDSM.

19. maria lutzke – Tis the season for latkes, not Lutzke.

20. super mario bros 3 hammer suit – Best power-up ever.

21. ronald mcdonald fucks wendy – Again with this shit? Christ. That’s it, I quit.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.