Now, it’s finally time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the (allegedly) recurring site feature where I take a look at some of the keywords that brought visitors to my site. Since I have been a lazy fucking douchebag, this FWSE report is for the seven week period beginning January 6th and ending February 23rd. As always, these are all real searches.
1. adult qix variants – The most famous X-rated Qix variants are the Gals Panic games. As far as porn goes, they’re not very exciting; you complete a board and then you get a see a shot of a naked lady for a few seconds. But in terms of gameplay, they’re actually a lot more fun and challenging than the original Qix.
2. picture of geki from street fighter – Happy to oblige:
3. suitless girls – Most girls don’t wear suits. Most women don’t either. Well, except for Annie Lennox. And Hillary Clinton. And Samus Aran.
4. duck tales secret treasures – The secret treasures of DuckTales are the love and friendship inside of you.
5. outer space words that rhyme with cherry – I dunno, planetary? What the fuck kind of a search is this?
6. holk hogan murderer – Tragically, we may never learn who murdered Holk Hogan on that balmy Santa Cruz night back in 1994. Chances are pretty good that it wasn’t HULK HOGAN though.
7. hermion porn – Your mom likes Hermione porn. No wait, that’s *hermaphrodite* porn.
8. michael jackson game arcade – It was called Moonwalker. And it was fantastic.
9. where r the warps in mario 2 – Here’s a better question: where “r” your parents? I think they need to send your worthless ass to Sylvan Learning Center.
10. erin esurance hentai sex – The streak continues!
11. brigitte nielsen drunk – I’m pretty sure Brigitte Nielsen has been continuously drunk since around 1993.
12. beating level 57 of bubble bobble – Frustrating, isn’t it? Take out the Beluga as quickly as possible, then use the bubble bounce technique to get the top of the screen and take out the other guys. It takes some expert timing to do it without getting hit, but once you get to the top, it should be a piece of cake.
13. i need to find out if a foot fetish will ever go away – Perhaps, but only with the aid of psychoanalysis or cognitive therapy.
14. magic school bus porn – While I have no doubt that Ms. Frizzle likes to get freaky, I’m pretty sure I don’t want to see it.
15. what is the best snes game ever – Read THIS and find out.
16. revolution x school bus – I fucking hate that level:
17. asses on girls – What, are you writing a new hip-hop single or something? Sorry pal, but I’m pretty sure that one’s been written… ABOUT TEN THOUSAND FUCKING TIMES!
18. is star wolf in smash bros brawl – Yes.
19. picture of a giant spider with babies in the corner of the room – Spider babies or human babies? Also, what the fuck!?
20. apple mystery house – I’m going to assume you mean THIS.
21. where do i buy sticky toy boglins from – eBay.
22. erotic samus fanfic – EPIC FAIL.
23. top nintendo games – How about THIS?
24. skeletor – There is absolutely nothing wrong with this search.
25. fidel castro – He retired.
26. porn games – I love to play porn games… WITH YOUR MOM!
27. best console game ever – That would be the Atari 2600 version of Pac-Man. Duh.
28. survivor sucks – If you’re talking about the TV show, you’re absolutely correct. If you’re talking about the band, YOU SPEAK HORRIBLE LIES!!!
29. trickyxtricksta – It’s an XBox Live account. It’s not mine though. It’s probably not yours either.
30. zelda secrets master sword nes – It’s in the graveyard.
31. batman cereal – That stuff is awful. I ate it on many occasions in 1989 and once in 2005. I recommend Batman serials instead.
32. kris lexia – Jew, if I’ve told you once I’ve told you a million times… STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY SISTER!
33. fucking a gemini man – At first, I couldn’t help but wonder if the person was talking about Gemini Man from Mega Man 3. Then, a few second later, I couldn’t help but wonder why I bothered to include such a pointless search.
34. mtv schedule from 1999 – Whatever was on, it was probably awful.
35. a board game that physically shocks you – Don’t Whiz On The Electric Fence.
36. mindfuck when you see it youll shit bricks – Check out the last two minutes of pretty much any Season 4 episode of Lost.
37. ducktales launchpad naked – Gross.
38. koopa cock – Grosser.
39. mario fucking link – SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE THE FUCKING YAOI STOP!!!!
40. zelda and link having sex – Well, at least it’s not gay.
41. alien dog konami – I imagine you mean the evil doggy (shown below) who debuted in Contra III. He plays a big role in Challenge Mode in Contra 4, and if I ever have to do another Mutt Hunt again, I’m gonna fucking kill someone.
42. tactics games for the snes – Ogre Battle is the only SNES tactics games you’ll ever need. You could play Civilization on the SNES too if you really wanted, but it’s much more fun on a computer.
43. christmas decorations – This search is from February 17th. A little fucking late, huh?
44. how to beat mr. sandman in punch out – I suggest going for the TKO.
45. the 100 best co-op games for the snes – On a list of the 100 best co-op games for the SNES, Contra III: The Alien Wars would occupy at least 50 of the spots.
46. rolling thunder namco – Yet another cheap plug.
47. elmo saying bert and ernie are gay – LIES!
48. god im bored – There used to be a website dedicated to that problem. Unfortunately, it sucks goat balls now.
49. syd lexia should commit suicide – If I ever have to spend six hours going through seven weeks worth of site logs again, I just may.
This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.