It is time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the ever popular site feature that dies and then comes back again, kinda like Jesus… or herpes. This is where I take a look at some of the search terms that brought visitors to the site. This FWSE report is for the six week period beginning March 23rd and ending May 3rd. As always, these are all real searches. Here we go…
1. arnold’s best movie – Batman and Robin! Oh wait, you said BEST.
2. top 100 site list – Heh, SydLexia.com only shows up on Top 100 Site lists in my dreams.
3. sydlexia image dump – Indeed, I do have an image dump.
4. link to the past game genie code for hammer – CHEATER CHEATER CHEATER! Also, there doesn’t seem to a Game Genie code that gives you the hammer. However, the code AEA8-D4FA will let you move vertically through any obstacle.
5. really good snes games – You might find some here.
6. nes game with two soldiers – What the fuck, dude? Could you be any more vague? Since the only two player NES game where you play as soldiers that I like is Contra, I’m gonna say Contra. It’s probably not Contra though, because everyone knows that Contra fucking rules.
7. what type of music does hulk hogan like – Rock, especially classic rock.
8. what robot master are you – If you’re between the ages of 13 and 20, then YOU ARE CUTMAN. Go cut yourself, you emo bastard.
9. james bond movies jumped the shark – That’s a hard claim to make. The original Ian Fleming novels were very pulpish in nature and they only sold because they were filled with sex and exploitative Cold War violence. So when the source material is rather cheesy, it’s hard to criticize the movies for being even cheesier. But cheesy or not, Bond is still awesome. Well, except in The World Is Not Enough… that was boring as hell.
10. g-rated movies where the mom and dad fuck – Uh… WHAT?
11. 8 ball of cocaine – Where do I sign up?
12. zelda bushes – I really hope this search was referring to the bushes in A Link To The Past and not something dirty and gross.
13. scientology mission to mars – Oh please. Scientology can’t even make a decent movie, so I seriously doubt they can successfully send people to Mars.
14. jokes involving fat people but in a good way – Well, there’s that popular internet meme with the fat kid in a t-shirt that says “I BEAT ANOREXIA”.
15. whats the point of friday the thirteenth nes game – It’s survival horror. The point is to keep at least one counselor alive, protect at least one camper, and reduce Jason’s life total to zero on all three days.
16. cartoon cat lived in a plane in a junkyard – That would be Riff-Raff.
17. best vagina ever – I’m not in the business of rating vaginas. If you really want to find the “best vagina ever”, you’ll have to check out RateMyVagina.com and see which vagina has the highest rating. Sadly, this isn’t a joke; RateMyVagina.com is a very real site.
18. cyveillance – They’re all bark and no bite.
19. How a scorpion moves – Um… it has legs?
20. mutoid man scarface – What is Smash TV? I’ll take Video Game Bosses for $800, Alex.
21. sindel and scorpion fucking mk hentai – I bet that Sindel doesn’t like having her hair pulled.
22. rapper with a creepy child voice – The Horrorist, maybe?
23. i hate boss battles – Then go play Brain Age.
24. sid lexia – Sid Lexia isn’t a clever name at all.
25. interesting stuff about vigina on a map – That’s either a slight misspelling of “vagina” or an embarrassingly bad misspelling of “Virginia”. Either way, it’s a dumb search.
26. play nes monopoly for free – Play real Monopoly, it’s a lot less tedious.
27. brinks scare tactics – The Brinks Home Security commercials are a prime example of scare tactics. No one is going to attempt to rob your house in broad daylight, let alone when you are home. However, just because Brinks presents grossly atypical burglary situations in their commercials doesn’t mean that a home security system isn’t a good buy.
28. season 6 – Of what?
29. superbook forums – There is no television show that deserves its own forum less than Superbook.
30. can christianity and evolution coexist – The short answer is yes. If you want the longer version, ask the pope.
31. james comron aliens – A note to all directors, both current and aspiring: if you stop making movies, people will stop caring about whether or not they came anywhere close to spelling your last name correctly.
32. i hate alex vincent – That’s okay, I hate Vincent D’Onofrio.
33. what does orange mean in the small blob – I don’t understand the question.
34. larissa oleynik suicide – Larisa Oleynik is not dead. She’s also not married, which is awesome. From my perspective, anyway… I don’t know how happy she is about that.
35. the long fatality code – That sounds like a film noir.
36. why do americans hate bollywood – Americans don’t hate Bollywood. Hell, most Americans don’t even know what Bollywood is. I do think, however, that most Americans familiar with Bollywood do find it to be incredibly silly and trivial. But disrepect and condescension are both very different from hatred.
37. can’t open garage door in maniac mansion – Use the Hunk-O-Matic a couple of times. It’s in Cousin Ted’s room.
38. how to beat bubble bobble – Defeat the Super Drunk!
39. i have the pussy i make the rules – Only if you’re Blofeld.
40. what are the best nes games – The best NES games are the ones you fondly remember playing back in the day.
41. who was that little boy that hulk hogan picked up – When? Where? NARROW IT DOWN!
42. don’t be a smartass – DON’T BE A TUNA HEAD!
This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.
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