Unless you’ve been in a drug-induced stupor for the last few hours, you’ve almost certainly heard the shocking news: pop superstar Michael Jackson is dead. What you may not have heard is that the King of Pop is rumored to have died attempting to eat a box of expired Star Wars cookies, a stunt that I myself just recently survived. Unfortunately Michael’s body was not up to the task. Over the last several years, he has suffered from several stress-related illnesses that have left his body in a weakened state and ingesting the cookies proved to be too much for him. He went into cardiac arrest and died. And unlike me, Michael opted not keep to one of his siblings nearby to supervise the experiment and dial an ambulance in case things went south. By the time his collasped body was discovered, resuscitation proved impossible. And so we have fallen on very sad times; the world has lost one of its greatest entertainers. So now, let us take a few moments to think about Michael Jackson and to mourn him. And let us remember him not just as a talented singer, but also as a massive Sega fanboy. And let us do this by reading my 2005 review of the classic Moonwalker arcade game. It’s what Michael would have wanted.
I am pleased to announce that SydLexia.com has integrated Facebook Connect into the site’s blog, Site News and Random Shit. Those interested in leaving a comment are now able to use their Facebook credentials to do so.
Now it’s time for Fun With Search Engines, the semi-popular site feature where I take a look at some of the keywords that brought SydLexia.com some much-needed traffic. This FWSE report is for the four week period beginning May 3rd and ending May 30th. As always, these are all real searches. Let’s begin…
1. earthbound bionic kraken – Your mom’s a bionic kraken.
2. centipedes how fast it moves – Centipedes are notorious speedsters within the insect kingdom, and they can reach velocities of up to 200 miles per hour.
3. hentai cartoon porn – FAIL.
4. syd are you afraid of the dark – Only when I’m drunk and sleeping alone. So uh, pretty much all the time.
5. bowser genitals – Here’s a diagram:
6. motley crue shout at the devil sales figures – I’m not entirely sure. I have a copy, and this other guy I know has a copy too. So that’s a minimum sales total of 2, which is better than most of Stryper’s albums ever did.
7. how to beat aran ryan in super punch out – If you think Aran Ryan is hard in Super Punch-Out, try fucking beating him in Title Defense mode in the Wii game. He’ll make you cry.
8. mortal kombat what if fatalities – What if I knew you what the fuck you were talking about?
9. combo no. 5 lyrics – Much like Mambo No. 5, Combo No. 5 was boring and stupid. It was also INCREDIBLY racist.
10. how to make sex like a pornstar – (answer on other side)
11. sydlexia revolution – My revolution will not be televised.
12. mega man scissors man – Scissors Man? Scissors Man!? HIS FUCKING NAME IS CUT MAN!
13. torture nipple or testicle or scrotum genital mutilation – Um, a nipple is not a genital. Let’s pretend that’s the only thing horribly wrong with that search…
14. aixel dys – Aixel Dys is my sworn enemy. He is also my polar opposite, and he comes from a parallel universe, kinda like Bizarro. Or NegaDuck.
15. do they make mario brother games anymore – This can’t possible be a serious question… can it?
16. i hate andross – Andross’ enemy is MY enemy!
17. простой вертолет в лего фото – In Soviet Russia, websites search for YOU!
18. nes game if you violate you will be attacked – The game in question is Bionic Commando:
19. what is the arnold schwarzenegger movie where his kids die – It’s his son and wife that die. And it’s Collateral Damage.
20. shooting range nes game – That would be Hogan’s Alley.
21. grapes of wrath summer reading project – My summer reading project for The Grapes of Wrath was to turn it into a book for children. If you steal my sick rhymes, I will killerate you. Peace!
22. fuck machines – What, like a Sybian? That’s gross.
23. mcdonalds halloween pumpkin buckets – Here.
24. sydlexia best game of all time – I’m entirely sure it’s possible to pick one single video game as the best one of all-time. If I had to though, I’d most likely pick either Pong, Pac-Man, or Space Invaders. All three helped push video games into the mainstream, all three inspired numerous rip-offs, and all three are still played today.
25. safari game where you must avoid being raped – That would be Taito’s 1982 classic Jungle Hunt:
26. nes quotes every gamer should know – This is one of the ten most popular features on my site.
27. smash tv sounds mp3 – Looking for voice clips from the game? Good luck. You’ll need it!
28. erin esurance sexy pics – Don’t worry, she’ll do an FHM cover eventually.
This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.