Well it’s been a long fucking time, but it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring site feature where I review some of the keywords that visitors to this site typed into Google, Yahoo, and whatever other dumb search engines they might use. This FWSE report is for the eighteen week period in 2009 beginning June 28th and ending October 31th. As always, these are all real searches.
1. pictures of michael jackson’s children – What are you, some sort of pedophile? Leave those kids alone.
2. how to do do mortal kombat fatalities – Ha, you said “do do”.
3. heathcliff cartoon lyrics – Heathcliff, Heathcliff, time for fun. Let’s eat some tuna and then play outside!
4. how do you finish impossible mission – You have to stop Dr. Atombender.
5. kara borden – Damn, I forgot all about her.
6. list of sexy japanese arcade shoot ’em ups – There’s nothing sexy about sprite art. If you get a boner from that stuff, you have serious problems.
7. poison look what the cat dragged in beatles let it be similarity – I’m glad I’m not the only one who noticed this. Replace facial hair with eyeliner and it’s the same damn album cover.
8. boy fucking his she cousin and aunt – I like that this guy specified “she-cousin”. It tells me that he tried the search previously with just “cousin” and ended up with gay porn.
9. epic fail – Someone searched for EPIC FAIL and SydLexia.com came up? I think I’m gonna fucking cry.
10. adrian nes pantyhose top list – I have no idea what this means, so I have no choice but to assume it’s a death threat of some sort. If I can decipher this cryptic message, I’ll know when and how the killer plans to murder me. If you can solve this puzzle, please e-mail me at Syd_Lexia@SydLexia.com.
11. best ever nds games – It’s a little early to be deciding the best Nintendo DS games ever. You know, because uh, THEY’RE STILL MAKING GAMES FOR THE FUCKING SYSTEM.
12. information of a normal man can fucks a girl in how many minutes – In porn, a standard fucking generally lasts 15-20 minutes. That’s a good baseline. If you can go longer, great. If you’re done in under 10 minutes, you’re inadequate.
13. magic 2010 prerelease card – It was Vampire Nocturnus. It seemed really cool when it debuted, and it is. All of the competitive post-Zendikar vampire decks run four of them.
14. what is the name of the episode where a boyfriend falls from the cliff are you afraid of the dark – The Tale of the Jagged Sign.
15. dudes fucking dudes – Can you describe the United States Congress in three words?
16. hard nipples movie scenes – There’s a pretty memorable scene in BASEketball. I can’t think of anything else off the top of my head.
17. 1986 mcdonalds halloween pails – These are they:
18. play snes super punch out online – Buy it, hoser!
19. picture of girl standing by woods and a ghost appears in the background – I don’t know if ghosts exist; I’m not going to rule it out. But I know that those fucking idiots on Ghost Hunters have never actually found one.
20. amber lynn – 1980s Amber Lynn was awesome. But these days, she plays the same sort of predatory character that her brother Buck Adams used to play until his untimely passing. And unfortunately, the uncanny similarities between her and Buck in both accent and demeanor in her newer scenes is a complete turn-off. Whenever I try and watch any of her recent work, I find myself constantly worrying that she’s going to suddenly have a dick and I have to shut it off.
21. is the dollars trilogy connected – No. Although Clint Eastwood appears to play the same character in all three movies, director Sergio Leone did not intend them as a trilogy.
22. sonic and bowser yaoi – What? No. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!
23. fuck on a giant trampoline – Someone would get hurt. Badly.
24. sydlexia cosplay pics – I don’t cosplay, and I don’t think I ever will. That’s not necessarily a judgment against cosplay, though. I’m just really lazy.
25. pumpkin bucket – That’s what I call your girlfriend when I fuck her. You should too, it really gets her going.
26. michael jackson is a great soul – THE SOUL STILL BURNS!
27. cartoon flying camaro doors – That would be MASK:
28. a boy and his blob – The recent Wii game is absolutely beautiful, it really is. It’s also really fun. But it lacks the open-ended puzzle solving and exploration that made the NES game such a cult favorite.
29. were there any people killed on prom night in 1956 – Absolutely. I can’t guarantee that any of them were teenagers who were planning to attend prom, though. But every night, somewhere in the world, at least one person is murdered. By way of inclusion, that means that at least one person is murdered every prom night.
30. how to fuck like a pornstar – Read this. It will be most helpful.
31. final fantasy nes how to upgrade characters – Go out into the world and kill monsters. This will give your guys experience points which will slowly increase their levels; it will also give you the gold you need to buy them better equipment. Oh, are you talking about class upgrades? To upgrade your characters’ classes, you must find the RAT TAIL and bring it to Bahamut.
32. aaron e surance naked – Who the fuck is Aaron Esurance?
33. best place to buy nes games – First off, there’s eBay. The world famous online auction site is a great place to pick up big lots of classic NES games at decent prices. The two main problems are that sometimes you get outbid and sometimes the shipping costs are fucking ridiculous. But on the plus side, if you buy from veteran sellers with high user ratings, you can rest assured that the games you’re getting will be in good working condition. The other option is Craigslist, or as I like to call it, The World’s Biggest Yard Sale. You can often get better deals on Craigslist, but it’s a lot more work. Also, a lot of sellers require a face-to-face transaction. So if your worst fear is getting stabbed and left to die in a basement next to a box full of NES games that don’t even work, Craigslist might not be the best option for you.
34. sydlexia – That’s my name. Google it early and Google it often.
35. i don’t know nickelodeon – It’s a popular cable channel that airs high-rated programming for kids, tweens, and to a much lesser extent, teens.
36. who sells laser beasts – Store and collectors who deal in vintage toys. Also, eBay. If you want something that’s no longer in production, eBay is always the answer.
37. can reptile turn invisible in mortal kombat 2 – Yes, he can. Below you will see a picture. I assure you that it’s not photoshopped. Don’t believe me? Read a damn FAQ.
38. beverly cleary pics – She’s 93 years old. All she can do is dial and yell.
39. put a blemish on my soul – I’d prefer not to.
40. syd lexia blob – You calling me fat, buddy? I may not have a 26″ inch waist, but I don’t think it’s fair to call me a formless blob of fat!
(At this point, I took a break from writing to eat an entire rectangular chocolate cake, the kind that is generally reserved for retirement parties. The kind that is supposed to feed 50 people.)
41. iphone – I am mostly happy with my iPhone. But the fact it still doesn’t support custom text sounds is fucking shameful. I should be able to use my ringtones for text alerts, and I should be able to assign different sounds to different contacts. My previous phone let me do this, and it was an ancient piece of shit.
42. best racing games – Any given incarnation of Mario Kart, any given incarnation of Burnout, and Micro Machines for the NES. Everything else is boring garbage.
43. how were nes games made – NES games came in a can, they were put there by a man, in a factory downtown.
44. fucking – I fucking swear too much. I need to fucking cut down. Fuck.
45. computer game mystery house – A true classic from the early days of PC gaming. I reviewed it.
46. joined – I can’t even begin to guess what the context for this search was. Is this some stupid New Age term for fucking?
47. poison concert tee – Here’s one I got at a show in 2006:
48. eggplant fucking video – Don’t play with your food!
49. fucking zelda in ocarina of time – PRINCESS ZELDA IS A SAINT!
50. best reviewed nes games – The best NES game I ever reviewed is Monster Party. I don’t know if that’s true… but I believe it.
51. larisa oleynik suicide – Hoax. Larisa is very much alive.
52. sad quotes – “Dance like nuns are watching. Sing like nuns are listening. And hurt like you’ve never been loved.”
53. how are the best n64 games – Oh man, they’re the best.
54. photos of animals – Your search “photos of animals” did not match any documents. Broaden your search by using fewer words.
55. purple hot rod joystick – That’s some sort of dildo, isn’t it?
56. movies – I like movies!
57. snes games that have zombies – Sorry, I can’t think of a single one…
58. zelda a link to love – Hey, that sounds like an article I wrote.
59. fucking oil mans picture – Somehow I doubt this person was looking for anything pertaining to Mega Man, but that’s what they found on my site.
60. space shooters – I prefer vodka shooters. Okay, that’s a complete fucking lie.
61. would porn star houston let me fuck her if I paid her – Hey now, show some respect. She’s a porn star not a prostitute! The difference is that prostitutes have sex for money whereas porn stars have sex for money ON FILM. See? Two completely different professions.
62.nes games with kung fu fighting in them – Well, first and foremost, there’s Kung Fu.
63. castlevania quote – WHAT A HORRIBLE NIGHT TO HAVE A CURSE.
64. tampons – Gross.
65. secret in the tip of the nose – I bet it’s boogers. Oh wait, Legend of Zelda. Not my favorite quote. Not by a long shot.
66. i hate steel panther – Then you are my sworn enemy. Death to all but metal!
67. funny relics from the past – You mean like Pogo Bal?
68. mad magazine issue 292 – Read my review HERE.
69. how do i win pirates nes game – Winning will require patience and an inherent sense of strategy. This search would seem to indicate that you have neither.
70. skeletons fucking – Skeletons don’t fuck; they bone.
71. greatest snes games – Read our list.
72. how much are celebrities paid to appear in sesame street – I am fairly certain they are not paid at all, aside from any travel expenses. I can only speak for the American incarnation though. Sesame Street appears on a network of government-funded television channels in the United States and is produced by Sesame Workshop, a non-profit organization. Celebrities generally appear on Sesame Street to please their children or grandchildren, because they believe in its educational tradition, or simply because they love the Muppets.
73. dark side we have cookies – This isn’t what you’re looking for, but read it anyway.
74. what weapon did jason use in friday the 13th – Trick question! Jason wasn’t in the original Friday The 13th! You won’t murder me the way they murdered Drew Barrymore!
75. D0 A9 D1 B1 D0 B5 D0 B8 D0 B3 D0 B6 D0 B3 D1 B0 D1 B4 – Musical notes?
76. counselor from salute your shorts – The counselor’s name was Kevin “Ug” Lee. He was played by actor Kirk Baily.
77. picture of a pile of crap – Here:
78. the game doesn’t start until you say yes – And vampires can’t come in unless you invite them.
79. neopets hentai – No.
80. what is the contra code – I’m not telling. But if you ever find out, try it on the main page.
81. stuff black people don’t like – I have no idea. But if I was black, I wouldn’t being regarded as having different hopes, dreams, goals, desires, fears, motivations, likes, and dislikes as people of other ethnicities.
82. kevin spacey christmas movie – Hopefully you’re thinking of The Ref. If not, fuck you.
83. pocky rocky sydlexia – It’s a great review, but I didn’t write it; Valdronius did. Read it here.
84. greatist new game ever – Even overlooking the obvious typo, this search is incomprehensible.
85. princess peach hentai – No.
86. top 100 nes games – Read our list here.
87. alex kidd miracle world the shower room – Immediately run to the other side of the room and punch your way through the barrier. If you hesitate when you first enter the room, leave. When you come back, the room will have reset.
88. dangerous stuff – Baking soda and vinegar.
89. fatality do scorpion do no mk1 – When expressed in proper syntax, this search would look like this: fatality + scorpion – mk1
90. rubber fetish ruined my life –
Pretty much all fetishes ruin your life. I could have told you that rubber fetish would ruin your life. I learned that when I was in grade school, from Ren & Stimpy. Sadly, I’m not joking.
91. kris fett real estate broker – The only Fett I care about about is Boba Fett, bounty hunter.
92. firefox – I don’t use Firefox, because I don’t like things that are popular and I’m a rebel who doesn’t do what others tell me. I learned to act this way from Rage Against The Machine. Ironically, I don’t even like Rage Against The Machine, because they’re popular and other people tell me I should like them. Also, Zack’s voice and lyrics suck. I guess that’s the probably main reason.
93. sydlexia 100th article – THERE IS NO 100TH ARTICLE AND THERE NEVER WAS. Oh wait, here it is.
94. bambi thumper mom saying if you dont have anything nice to say then dont say anything at all – This advice is complete fucking shit. If I couldn’t say anything negative about the stuff I review, I’d be out of work.
95. arcade games where you fuck – I stuck a quarter in your mom the other day, immediately before coitus. Does that count?
96. clay fighter best character – I have no idea. Are there even tiers for this shit? I was always very partial to Bad Mr. Frosty though.
97. how do you make a pb&j sandwich – Try magic words. I recommend: A la peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!
98. erin esurance porn – No.
99. erin esurance hentai – Again, no.
100. i want to fuck erin of e-surance – And we’re done. This took forever to do, and I’m still not caught up on FWSE. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to hang myself.
This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.