I am absolutely fascinated by this. Every morning my web host’s server logs various statistics for my site. It includes which pages were accessed, how many times each page was accessed, IPs, and a few other things. My favorite by far is search queries. The site actually tells me what keywords were used in searches to find my site and some of them are fucking weird. Let’s go to the video tape…

Here are some queries from 1/05, I swear to God I am not making this shit up:

1. crapfest – Well, you sure found one. It doesn’t get much crappier or more festive than this.
2. what can you put into a… your really taken it out? – Hmmm… that sounds like an excerpt from the Ken Starr report. It would appear that the grammatically challenged asshole that typed in this brilliant search ended up on the second page of my Are You Afraid of the Dark? feature.
3. piano mtvs laguna beach – I always feel slightly guilty when my anti-MTV rants bring poor clueless sheep to my site. Then I remember that MTV is *supposed* to be about MUSIC but it isn’t anymore. Then I don’t give a fuck.

Here are some from 1/06:

1. lock the cellar door – This person could have been fucking looking for anything from song lyrics to ghost stories to accident prevention. In any case, they found my Poison page. Interesting enough, when the search is done as a string and not four individual words, I’m currently the #2 result on Yahoo. Score.
2. what can you see with the… the barrel gets lighter – Well, it looks like I’m gaining a strong foothold with the stoned idiot demographic. That’s cool, in a way. But it also hurts my brain. Why the hell would anyone type a riddle into a search engine, especially one that everyone knows the fucking answer to? This search brought another visitor to my Are You Afraid of the Dark? page.
3. the midnight society gary – Goddam, people love those old Nickelodeon shows. Maybe it’s time for a Salute Your Shorts feature. I’m the #1 result for this search on Google right now, with TV Tome directly below me. Fuck you, TV Tome.

The 7th was a slow day, so we’ll finish up with 1/08:

1. orange ninjas – Bad Dudes. It never ceases to amaze me what keywords people use. Then again, I’ve been there myself, huddled over a computer in a dorm room at 2 AM, drunk as hell, while my drunken friends shouted out random things for me to type into Yahoo. That’s called effective time management. I’m all about pleasing the masses, so here’s my Orange Ninja haiku.
2. music video november rain – A satisfied customer, I hope.
3. hammering harry nes – Three relevant searches in one day!? It’s like my own personal Christmas, only without any of the things that make Christmas cool. And no, I’m not gonna link to the Hammerin’ Harry article. I’ve done enough shameless linking and they’re all on the main page anyway.

      That’s all for now. I’m still not entirely sure what the next feature will be or when it will be up. On the plus side, I now have some adjunct staff who will contribute from time to time. Fuck if I know when though.