Monday is the day that new Virtual Console games come out, so I decided to check out the Wii Shop Channel and see what came out. The answer? Nothing special. Three games came out today, none of which are really worth my money. First there was Bio-Hazard Battle, a fairly obscure space shooter for the Sega Genesis. Then there was Chew Man Fu, an even more obscure puzzle game for the TurboGrafx-16. Since these were both first party games for their respective consoles, it would appear that Sega and Hudson are hoping to use the VC to squeeze some extra money out of the forgotten games in their back catalog. It’s a clever idea, but the price isn’t right. Who in the hell is going to pay $8 to download a Genesis game they’ve never heard of? Certainly not I. Maybe this is just me, but if I haven’t heard of an older game, I’m fairly skeptical of its quality. I’d want to try a Genesis game out before committing $8 to it, and through the magic of internet piracy, I can. Of course, then I don’t need to buy it. When pricing games for the Virtual Console, Nintendo needs to realize there is an ever delicate balance. Online piracy is thriving and there’s not really anything Nintendo can do to stop it; God knows the RIAA has tried. Does that mean Nintendo and others shouldn’t attempt to make money off their older games? Of course not. But they DO need to take piracy into consideration when pricing stuff. Nintendo needs to figure out what amount of money that people will be willing to pay to legally download old games rather than pirating them, especially when the game in question is not well-known. I don’t know exactly what that amount is, but I’ll give you a hint: it’s certainly not $8 for a Genesis game. But that’s not what really upsets me. No, it’s the third and final game released today that really pisses me off. The game? The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. Now, I’m not one of those assholes who thinks that the Zelda franchise died when it went to 3D; I fucking love OoT. Hell, I even agree that $10 for an N64 game is a fair price. But here’s the problem: Nintendo already gave me the game for free. TWICE.
 

      First there was the promotional copy of Ocarina of Time that I got for preordering the oft-maligned Wind Waker. The freebie disc contained not only Ocarina, but the Master Quest expansion for the 64DD as well. It may have just been a remapping of the game, but it was still cool. And as I mentioned before, this was the first of TWO promotions where Nintendo gave away free copies of OoT…
 

      My second free copy of Ocarina came almost a year later. Nintendo Power ran a promotion sometime in either late 2003 or early 2004 where NP subscribers could register three serial codes from select Nintendo Products and receive a special Zelda anthology for their Gamecube. The anthology included Zelda, Zelda 2, Ocarina, and Majora’s Mask. A Link To The Past was excluded because it had just been released for the GBA. Despite this omission, the Zelda anthology was probably the best freebie ever, even morese than the Portrait of Ruin preorder package. But that doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I have two copies of Ocarina that I can play in my Wii.

      Don’t misunderstand me, my gripe here is not that Nintendo should be giving away Ocarina of Time for free on the Virtual Console. I’m sure there are people out there who would appreciate it, but I could give a fuck less since I can already play it whenever I want. My gripe is that Nintendo isn’t catering to its diehard fans. Ocarina of Time is a great game, but releasing it on the VC is a waste of our fucking time. Gamecube owners had two separate chances to get their hands on the game, and those of us who wanted it, got it. We don’t NEED another opportunity to obtain it. And that of course says nothing of those of us who still have our N64s hooked up. Nintendo, give us something we haven’t seen before. Give us SimCity 64. Give us Sin And Punishment. That, or give us some good multiplayer games. Mario Kart 64 was a good start, now give us No Mercy and Goldeneye. Stop jerking us around.

      Well, I finally got some new toys and you know what that means… at least I hope you do. Since it’s been a while, I guess I wouldn’t hate you too much if you didn’t know.

It means it’s time for a new comic.

      In news that could have been brought to your attention yesterday, Valdronius has joined the site staff. His first article, a review of Pocky & Rocky, is now up. Enjoy.

      So Sunday was my birthday. Consequently, I received some presents from my loving family members. From my grandmother, I received two DS games (Hotel Dusk, Rocket Slime) and a Wii remote. Hotel Dusk was purchased at a Target, while the remote and Rocket Slime were purchased at an Electronics Boutique in Canton, Massachusetts. After I had opened the package my grandmother told me the story of how she came by these items. She went into EB looking for a Wii-mote and expecting to walk out empty-handed but they actually had them. While she was there she attempted to procure Hotel Dusk as well but was told it was “impossible” to find. Unable to get that, she got me Rocket Slime. The clerk asked her if she wanted a new copy or used copy. Being as it was a present, she opted to get me a new copy… at least, that’s what she paid for.

      Today I decided to bust open Rocket Slime and play it. As I went to open the box, I noticed that it was not wrapped in plastic as new games usually are. Instead, there was just a translucent circluar sticker over the box. It was a USED copy. I was mildly annoyed by this, but I didn’t *really* care; since the DS games are cartridges, there was little chance of the game being damaged in any meaningful way. Upon opening the box, I immediately checked to see if the instruction manual and other assorted paper goods were in the box. I will probably never read these materials, but it’s nice to know I have them if I need them. Upon inspection, everything seemed to be in order on the left side of the case. Then I reached into the right side of the case to get the game. One small problem: THERE WAS NO FUCKING GAME IN THE CASE. So, to summarize:

1. My grandmother was charged for a new copy of a DS game.
2. She was given a used copy.
3. There wasn’t a game in the box they gave her.

      I’m really not surprised this happened; EB/GameStop is a fucking joke. While their video game selection is slightly better than retail stores like Target, Circuit City, and Best Buy, their stock and service rarely are. If you want to buy a video game at Best Buy, it’s a simple process: you walk in, look through the racks, take the games you want, and bring them to the register. At EB, it’s slightly more complicated. When you walk into one of their closet-sized stores, you have to go to the desk for service. Don’t let those boxes on the walls fool you, those are just there to show you what games they THINK they have in stock. But if you actually want to BUY a game, you’ll have to go to the counter and ask one of the store employees if they have it. Then you’ll have to wait while they rummage through their game cabinet to see if they have it. Oh, and you’ll probably have to wait in a line of about seven people before you actually get to this point. Of the seven people in front of you, at least three of them will be clueless parents with no less than two minutes worth of stupid ass questions apiece. Then when it’s finally your turn to inquire about the game you desire, they’ll probably just laugh at you and tell you should have preordered it. If for some reason they DO have the game you want, you’re still in for a world of shit. They’ll try to sell you an extended warranty that you don’t fucking need, then try to convince you to preorder everything from Halo 3 to Disney’s Herbie Rescue Rally. If you do decide to preorder a game, please note that it doesn’t actually guarantee you a copy on release day. Preordering a game is a lot like getting Fast Pass at Disney World; it just gives you a slightly shorter line to wait in. EB has no qualms about taking more preorders than they can fill, so you better be waiting outside the store before they open if you want to make sure your preorder is successfully filled.

      Back when EB was the only serious video game retailer in town, they could get away with their trademark poor service. These days, the gaming companies are getting sick of it. Nintendo in particular seems to taking special delight in screwing over EB. EB has been propagating a story that Hotel Dusk is “impossible” to find. THIS SIMPLY ISN’T TRUE. EB may not be getting many copies of it, but Nintendo is sending crates of the game to Target. Nintendo is also screwing over EB in the Wii deparment. I recently heard an EB employee bemoan the fact that Nintendo was only sending them 3-6 Wiis per shipment. You know why they’re only sending you asshole 3-6 Wiis per shipment? It’s easy, because they’re sending them all to better stores like Target, Wal*Mart, Best Buy, and Circuit City. These stores keep better hours than you, they’re cleaner, and they inherently attract more customers. Personally, I think Nintendo has the right idea. EB is like an aging goldfish; sure it was cute at first, but now it’s just taking up space. All you can do is stop feeding it and wait for it to die.

      On a completely unrelated note, Nintendo recently added The Legend of Kage to the Wii Virtual Console for the incredibly optimistic price of $5. In a just world, people who willingly paid money to play The Legend Of Kage would be spared from actually playing it. Instead, the Wii would download a streaming video of Reggie pointing and laughing. That, or they’d get five bullets to face.

      In a shocking turn of events, Anna Nicole Smith suddenly passed away yesterday. As someone who has, uh, thoroughly enjoyed her Playboy shoots, I was greatly shocked and disappointed by her death. And so, I would like to offer up the following eulogy:

Anna Nicole, when people look back at your life, I think the thing they’ll remember most is that you were really, really hot. And while this hotness was sometimes marred by your massive weight fluctuations, reality show antics, and prolonged legal battles, deep down we all still knew it was there. To us, the general public, you were always that smoking hot babe from the nudie mags. And when we found out that your character in Naked Gun 33⅓ was a hermaphrodite, we paused for a second, thought about it, then we decided we’d still do you. Even in death, we’d probably still do you. We might settle for Jill Kelly though, being as she’s still alive. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Amen.

      I believe that Anna Nicole Smith deserves to be mourned, and I for one shall mourn her. Out of respect for Anna Nicole, I pledge to refrain from masturbating to pictures of her for two weeks. Well, maybe one week. Well, maybe a day. How about an hour?

A new article is finally up.

      Over the last few years, I’ve made a bunch of images that have become lost in the annals of time. Some of them were for quick jokes on the forums, some of them were for FWSE, and some of them were for my own personal use. Since these images are still taking up my server space, I figured I should probably do something with them… so I did:

The SydLexia.com Image Dump

Enjoy.

…is the the post-Christmas clearance sales. Fucking sweet!

Two weeks ago, I issued a challenge: bring me the head of Rachael Ray. I am happy to say that the Rachael Ray Challenge has ended. I would like to thank myself, as I am the one who procured it. I rock. Except to see that stupid bitch in all sorts of comprising positions in the future. Until then, here’s a shot of her under my Christmas tree:

      Last night, the nation lost Gerald Ford, the 38th President of the United States. I don’t have much to say about Gerald Ford, except he seemed like a nice guy. Apparently, he was my favorite president at one point. When I visited the Smithonsonian museums on a family vacation in August of 1992, one of the souvenirs I bought was a Gerald R. Ford coin. It cost me $2.75:

Rest in peace, Mr. President.

      God, I fucking hate Rachael Ray. Not only does she have an incredibly annoying voice, but every word out of her mouth is idle chatter. Listening to Rachael Ray talk is like listening to a teenage girl tell you about her day at junior high school; nothing she has to say is remotely interesting, but she keeps on talking anyway. The worst part is, Rachael Ray is everywhere. She has 5 television shows, her own magazine, and she’s currently starring in a series of Nabisco ads. But now she’s gone too far. The other day I walked into my local supermarket and saw this:

      Yes, now Rachael Ray can be seen in gigantic fucking floor displays at a supermarkets everywhere. This sickens me, so am I extending an open challenge to everyone out there: Bring Me The Head Of Rachael Ray! Actually, bring me her whole upper torso. I need a new dartboard, and Rachael Ray would be perfect. If you enjoy the site, this would be a nice way to repay me. I’ve kept SydLexia.com free of banner ads and other crap, so give me head. No, not like that. If you are able to procure Rachael Ray, contact me.

NOTE: SydLexia.com’s Bring Me The Head Of Rachael Ray Challenge is not a contest. Furthermore, SydLexia.com does not endorse the employment of any illegal activities or tactics in the challenge. This list of activities includes but is not limited to theft, murder, and rape.

      I got my Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin preorder package today. And by that, I mean the UPS guy left it lying unguarded on my front porch in subfreezing weather while I was at work. I’m kinda pissed at EB… those cheap bastards sent the game out in a padded envelope instead of a cardboard box. As a result, the plastic collector’s box got banged up a little bit.

      I’m also slightly disappointed with Konami; they really should have included a hard plastic case for the Castlevania music CD. Other than that, everything is in perfectly working order and it is fucking badass. I am gonna play the hell out of this game. On a COMPLETELY unrelated note, the site is now officially closed for the next two weeks.

Just kidding.

(Or am I?)

      So it seems that the Girls of the NES article that I wrote last May has suddenly caught on in a big way. It has recently been linked to on a bunch sites, and that list includes high traffic locales such as Digg, I-Am-Bored, StumbleUpon, Kotaku, and Destructoid. As a result, the site has received its highest Alexa daily traffic ranking ever: 3,302. Additionally, my overall traffic ranking has finally broken 50,000. I know it won’t last, but it’s still pretty fucking cool.

An epic battle is currently taking place in my forums, one that pits 24 of my forum members against 24 mediocre video game characters in battle for total dominance. Who will win? Find out in the SydLexia.com Character Battle!

      Kirby, pictured above in a file photo from September 2005, has finally decided to return for the 25th installment of the NES Drinking Saga. Why now? Why not!

      Franksgiving is the same day for everyone, so I don’t want to hear any bitching from you damn dirty Canadians that I’m over a month too late with these holiday wishes.

      The McDonald’s Halloween Pails article has been updated to include the 1990 and 1992 pail sets. Enjoy. In case anyone was wondering, I will not be adding the 1994, 1999, or 2001 sets at any point. They suck.