After a suffering from an extended bout of laziness, I have returned with yet another installment of Fun With Search Engines. For those of you who may have forgotten, Fun With Search Engines is the semi-popular site report where I take a look at some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into various search engines. This FWSE report is for four week period beginning August 19th and ending September 15th. As always, these are all real searches. Here we go…
1. bret michaels – He has his own reality show. Half of the girls on it are kinda scary looking and most of them are head cases. I bet that’s why you were searching for him. That’s too bad, because Poison fucking rules.
2. you are the nes ending flying – If that was a complete sentence, or even a complete thought, I could probably help you. Unfortunately for you, it’s incoherent mess. Sorry.
3. red – It’s a color. It’s also a Fraggle. Oh, and Eric Forman’s dad.
4. best snes game ever made – That would be Steven Seagal Is The Final Option. It was so incredibly awesome that it could not be completed through the efforts of mortal men. It remains incomplete and unreleased, but you can probably find a partially playable beta of the game if you try hard enough.
5. mcdonalds dalmation toys recall – I recall them. What of it?
6. hulk hogan linda hogan lose 10 – Lose 10 what? Pounds? Thousand dollars? Unborn children? Pets? I NEED TO FUCKING KNOW!!!
7. unblockable porn on myspace – You can post all the porn you want on MySpace. It’ll get deleted, and it’ll get your sorry ass TOSed, but it’s not blocked.
8. amy rose hentai site – I’d like to believe that there’s isn’t a website dedicated to Amy Rose hentai, but I fully expect that there are at least four.
9. where was stephen on august 9th 2007 – Fucking your mom. You better tell Hayden… with any luck, she’ll break up with him over it.
10. juegos de nes de los simpson – Whoa, whoa, whoa, Pepe! Pepe, slow down. We’ll have to find a Spanish speaking operator to take your order.
11. monster party game us and japan differences – The difference is that the American version was actually released and the Japanese version never made it past the prototype stage.
12. esurance girl gets fucked – In Soviet Russia, Esurance fucks YOU! Seriously, you ever seen their rates?
13. buy christmas comes to pacland – The good news is that Christmas Comes To Pac-Land is currently available on DVD. The bad news is that comes with bundled with The Holocaust Comes To Pac-Land.
14. naked erin esurance altered beast – This search was probably planted by one of my forum members, but I couldn’t resist including it anyway. Despite my longstanding anti-hentai stance, I would definitely play a game where you’re commanded to RISE FROM THE GRAVE AND FUCK ERIN ESURANCE.
15. how to get stamps off an envelope microwave – Put the envelope in the microwave with a nice big can of hairspray. Cook both items together on the HIGH setting for 10 minutes. Be sure to press your face right up against the screen to make sure it’s cooking properly.
16. brachiosaurus halloween costume – Unless you’re hideously fat, there’s no way you’re pulling that costume off.
17. doom marine vs master chief – The Doom Marine would clearly win; the original always beats the shitty imitation.
18. what are nes games worth – Not much. Between emulation and the Wii Virtual Console, every NES game ever made is readily available to anyone who wants them. There are a few cartridges, such as Dragon Warrior IV, which are rare enough to be considered collector’s item. These carts will usually fetch $40-60, but most games are barely worth $5. If you have a game that’s still factory sealed, you might be abled to get $10-20 for it. If you want to find out what a specific game is worth, do a search on eBay; it’s the best pricing guide on the internet.
19. what is the cheat for fucking – No.
20. list of nintendo games – OK, here’s a list of Nintendo games:
- Faria
- Jackal
- Rockin’ Cats
- SCAT
- Zombie Nation
- Bionic Commando
21. game for the nes where you run and jump – That could fucking be anything, including all three Super Mario games. You suck at doing searches. Kill yourself.
22. motley crue shout at the devil original cover art – It was a pentagram:
23. pics of every single mortal kombat character – In the words of the great Char Aznable, “Buy Mortal Kombat Armageddon RIGHT FUCKING NOW!”
24. which console has the best sports games – Here’s a better question: who the fuck cares?
25. girls that only get turned on when they fuck their relatives – Uh… 
26. which console ever had the most nintendo games – I am going to go out on a limb here and guess it was the NES.
27. i beat contra without using a cheat code – If you had told me that when I was 9, I would have called you a dirty lying whore. These days, I know that it’s not only possible, but it’s fairly easy to do. The bosses all move in easy to follow patterns, so as long as you have the Spread Gun, you should be all set.
28. it was an abortion michael – JUST LIKE OUR MARRIAGE!
This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.