Well it’s time again for Fun With Search Engines. If you haven’t been following the site, Fun With Search Engines is a weekly report where I chronicle some of the search terms that brought visitors to my site. And by SOME, I usually mean seven. This FWSE report is for the week starting January 15th and ending January 21st. As always, these are all real searches.

1. illegal porn search – That’s fucking BRILLIANT.

2. answers for kids: how are marble angel fish helpful – What does this have to do with my site? Absolutely nothing. What SydLexia.com article came up as a result of this search? The 20 Worst NES Games You Might Have Actually Played. The moral? Don’t try to teach your kids stuff or you’ll end up on profane pop culture sites.

3. girl that got burned from drunk driving on myspace – There’s a bulletin that made its way around MySpace that included incredibly sickening pictures of a girl whose car was hit by a drunk driver. She survived the accident, but she was burned beyond recognition. I would like to say two things on this matter. First, if you’re on MySpace and you ever receive that bulletin, drop the person who sent it to you from your Friends list. Anyone who would send you a PSA with disgusting medical photos obviously doesn’t think very highly of you. That person is basically saying the following: “I don’t think you’re a reasonable person. I don’t think you have the common sense to realize to that drunk driving is a bad fucking idea. So instead, here are some gross photos that will intimidate you into doing the right thing.” It’s a fucking guilt trip and I absolutely HATE guilt trips. It’s bad enough when people lay guilt trips on me for eating meat, but when someone tries to lay one on me for something that I have NO INTENTION OF DOING then I get stabbing mad. So to hell with the bastards that forward those bulletins. Second, why the fuck would anyone actively search for those photos? It’s bad enough when you someone sends them to you, but only a truly deviant person would actually WANT to see that shit. So fuck you too. In fact, fuck you ever harder. If you’d like to learn more about my stance on drunk driving and heavy-handed PSAs, read this.

4. global guts drinking game – This intrigued me, so I did an independent search. There apparently isn’t a Global Guts drinking game, so I’ve invented one:

1. Every time you remember that Mike O’Malley’s profession of choice is second-rate comedian, do a shot.
2. Every time you see Moira “Mo” Quirk, do a shot.
3. Every time you consider fucking Mo, do a shot.
4. Every time some one says Aggro Crag, do a shot.

Is it particularly clever? No, but it’ll get you absolutely TRASHED.

5. are you a bad enough dude – If my stagnant Alexa ranking is any indication, then no. Sorry.

6. kristin cavalleri nude – Every fucking day, some variant of this is one of the top ten search terms that brings people to SydLexia.com. Stop it. Come on people, Laguna Beach isn’t even fucking on anymore. Find a new half-assed celebrity-of-the-moment to put into your fucking porn searches, you douchebags. Oh well, at least the Kara Borden searches are subsiding…

7. murder inspired by an acdc melody – This probably isn’t what you’re talking about, but “Thunderstruck” inspired me to electrocute my cousin Autumn. She was a problem child, but I took care of her with a flick of the switch.

GAME OVER