In a shocking turn of events, Anna Nicole Smith suddenly passed away yesterday. As someone who has, uh, thoroughly enjoyed her Playboy shoots, I was greatly shocked and disappointed by her death. And so, I would like to offer up the following eulogy:

Anna Nicole, when people look back at your life, I think the thing they’ll remember most is that you were really, really hot. And while this hotness was sometimes marred by your massive weight fluctuations, reality show antics, and prolonged legal battles, deep down we all still knew it was there. To us, the general public, you were always that smoking hot babe from the nudie mags. And when we found out that your character in Naked Gun 33⅓ was a hermaphrodite, we paused for a second, thought about it, then we decided we’d still do you. Even in death, we’d probably still do you. We might settle for Jill Kelly though, being as she’s still alive. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Amen.

      I believe that Anna Nicole Smith deserves to be mourned, and I for one shall mourn her. Out of respect for Anna Nicole, I pledge to refrain from masturbating to pictures of her for two weeks. Well, maybe one week. Well, maybe a day. How about an hour?