Another new comic is up.

      Now it’s time for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly site report where I take a look at some of the keywords that brought visitors to my site. This FWSE report is for week of July 22nd through July 28th. As always, these are all real searches. Here we go…

1. the super nintendo game with a little guy fighting house objects – With any luck, it’s Earthbound, because Earthbound is one of the greatest games ever made. This might not be the game you’re thinking of though, because you don’t exactly fight household objects. However, you do fight gas pumps, fire hydrants, guitars, coffee cups, trees, lips, puke, and a host of other oddly mundane enemies. But again, even if Earthbound wasn’t the game you were thinking of, play it, because it’s inevitably better than whatever pile of shit you were actually thinking of.

2. elizabeth hurley raised catholic – Her mother was Anglican and her father was a non-praticing Catholic, so she was probably raised Anglican. This is quite a shame, because if Bedazzled taught us anything, it’s that Elizabeth Hurley makes a damn good Catholic schoolgirl:

 
3. stop motion animation sesame street whale – Could it be THIS?

4. how to do a fatality – Stick a fork in a light socket. FATALITY!

5. sean connery uncredited prince of thieves – Did you really need to look this up? I mean, did you watch the movie and think to yourself, “Gee, that guy who showed up at the end looked exactly like Sean Connery. I’m not sure if it was him though, and I didn’t see his name in the credits.” That sort of thing is forgiveable with some actors, like an Alan Arkin or a Jonathan Pryce, but this is SEAN FUCKING CONNERY that we’re talking about. If you have trouble recognizing Sean Connery, you simply don’t deserve to watch films. End of story.

6. charles in charge t shirt – Never seen one, but I am definitely adding it to the Grand List of Things You Could Buy For Me If You Like The Site.

7. viagra – Well… that’s a new one. If you were looking to buy viagra, too fucking bad; this is a pop culture site, not some goddam online store. But if you’re looking for a highly inaccurate explanation of how viagra works done entirely using 8-bit sprites, then you’re in luck:

 
8. bowser and luigi sex – Gross.

9. shawn wayan naked pictures – Grosser.

10. erin esurance hentai – Fuck this, I’m outta here.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

A new comic is up.

      Yes, it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, better known as That Thing On The Site That Roughly Nine People Read. FWSE is a recurring site feature where I review some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into various search engines. This FWSE report is for two week period beginning July 8th and ending July 21st. As always, these are all real searches.

1. lets fuck board games – You’d be better off fucking a person.

2. pictures of lauren conrad and stephen coletti together now 2007 – How about no?

3. jeff goldblum foot fetish – I’ve never heard anything about Jeff Goldblum having a foot fetish, but I know he definitely had a cheating-on-Geena-Davis fetish.

4. clarissa expalins it all – Few people remember Monty Python’s long lost “Dead Michael” sketch which featured John Cleese as Mr. Praline, Eric Idle as Shop Owner, and a very dead Michael Palin…

Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that Palin when I got him home, and I discovered the only reason that he had been sitting on his perch in the first place was that he had been NAILED there.
Owner: Well, of course he was nailed there! If I hadn’t nailed that man down, he would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent ‘em apart with his teeth, and VOOM!
Mr. Praline: VOOM?! Mate, this man wouldn’t “voom” if you put four million volts through him! He’s bleedin’ demised!
Owner: No no! He’s pining!
Mr. Praline: He’s not pining! He’s passed on! This Palin is no more! He has ceased to be! He’s expired and gone to meet his maker! He’s a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed him to the perch, he’d be pushing up the daisies! His metabolic processes are now history! He’s off the twig! He’s kicked the bucket, he’s shuffled off this mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PALIN!!

5. i like to go swimming with bow legged women and swim between their legs – Who doesn’t?

6. naked hentai – Seeing as your search was not just for hentai but naked hentai, I bet I can guess your age. Little boy, I imagine you are going to be sufficiently traumatized by what the pictures you eventually find.

7. are you afraid of the nickelodeon – Why the fuck would I be afraid of Nickelodeon?

8. 100 greatest video games of all time – Oddly enough, every single one of the 100 greatest video games of all-time each starts the letter P: Pong, Pac-Man, Pitfall, Paperboy, Phantasy Star Online, Pirates, uh… PimCity, Puper Mario Bros., uh…. uh… Preakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, Pontra PPP: Phe Plien Pars…. Well, you get the fucking idea.

9. lara croft transvestite – That is not something that I would ever want to see under any circumstances. If my choices were “Hey, look at this guy dressed as Lara Croft” or “Die motherfucker!”, I would most definitely choose death.

10. i demand more syd lexia comics – I’ll get on that. But in the future, why not try e-mail?

11. fucking otto the bus driver simpsons porn – I wish to God that someone would be able to block out the voices in my head for five minutes, the voices that scream, over and over again: “Why do they come to me to die? Why do they come to me to die?”

12. erin esurance humping stuff – Instead of a coherent response, here’s an unrelated pun:

 
13. what’s the best ocarina flute – The Ocarina of Time. Like, duh.

14. a link to the past guide – CLICK HERE.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      The page shown was not scanned in by me. I found it on an LJ image feed. If you don’t want to read a ridiculously important Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows spoiler, you probably should not have looked at the image above. If you did, I guess it sucks to be you. Sorry, my bad.

      Now it’s time for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly site report where I comment on some of the keywords that brought visitors to my site. This FWSE report is for the week of July 1st through July 7th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. sydlexia, for the love of god, update your site more than once a year – This was definitely planted by someone and according to my amazing IP tracking skills that someone lives in New York. I have a few guesses as to who it was, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that this person is a fucking liar; I update my site at least thrice a year. So there.

2. camp lazlo hentai – Nope.

3. creepy sesame street – Sesame Street isn’t creepy… it’s really fucking creepy. But only sometimes.

4. pictures of mario and peach doing it – Doing what? You’re far too vague.

5. fank machene – Huh?

6. mega man is weak against robot masters – Actually, he isn’t… unless you suck at video games.

7. i’m the juggernaut bitch mugen – Remember that redubbed X-Men cartoon that was trendy for like 2 weeks? That thing was fucking awesome. Seriously, there’s nothing I enjoy more than 20 minutes of THE SAME FUCKING JOKE OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Oh, and if you can’t find a Juggernaut character for your MUGEN, you suck. He’s just a sprite-rip of the Capcom version.

8. how to make a hexagon on msw logo – You’d do it pretty much the same way you’d do it in any other LOGO, use 60 degree angles:

 
9. mortal kombat porn – Sigh…

10. watch erin esurance fuck – In Soviet Russia, Erin Esuran… oh, nevermind. This was a shitty week for searches and this is easily the worst FWSE ever. I apologize. Also, I fucking quit.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

 
A new article is up on the main page. That is all.
 

      It’s been quite a while, but it is time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring report where I comment on some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into various search engines such as Google, MSN, and Yahoo. This FWSE report is for the five week period beginning May 27th and ending June 30th. As always, these are all real searches. Let’s begin…

1. erin esurance nude – And we’re already off to a great start…

2. skateboards for the overweight – They’re called flatbeds, and they’re very expensive.

3. snes racing game – There are only two that matter: Super Mario Kart and F-Zero.

4. nintendo emulator that uses the game genie – Most NES emulators have Game Genie support, and few, if any of them, actually require the Game Genie ROM to use Game Genie codes; it just isn’t always easy to figure out how to use it. But if you need an emulator that definitely has Game Genie support, I recommend RockNES X.

5. watch heathcliff episodes – In Soviet Russia, Heathcliff episodes watch YOU!

6. movie that had candy jars that the boy was able to pick from – That’s got to be the absolute worst description of a movie I’ve ever heard and I think I know exactly who wrote it. Congratulations Mom, you’ve find my website! Now learn how to use a fucking search engine properly.

7. list of easy girls – It’s called Adult Friend Finder. Unfortunately, most of the women on their list are 40 years old and/or robots.

8. arcade game chainsaw cuts off opponents arms – That would be Time Killers. You could cut off their heads as well:

 
9. blue guy killing punks nes game – The “blue guy” is Mega Man, the punks are Neo Metools, and the game is Mega Man 2.

10. bowser fucks peach – In Soviet Russia, Bowser fucks YOU!

11. every video game ever made – Even if we ignored all the shitty low budget shareware and freeware games out there, such a list would still be damn near impossible to compile. Not even GameFAQs has managed to list every game ever made.

12. i’ve admitted i am a furry – Admission is the first step to recovery. Betty Ford is the second.

13. nes games chasing frog down a hole – Blaster Master.

14. super mario bros.: the lost levels rom – You will never ever find a ROM of an official Nintendo game called The Lost Levels. That’s because such a game was never released. The game that would appear as The Lost Levels as part of the Super Nintendo’s Super Mario All-Stars cartridge was originally released as Super Mario Bros. 2 in Japan. You will, however, find some shitty fan-made NES ROMs claiming to be The Lost Levels.

15. how do you bear heike in super punch out – Unfortunately, Heike Kagero is unbearable. Sorry.

16. nintendo game with bubbles – Is this a serious search? Nintendo game with bubbles? Gee, this is a hard one… COULD IT BE MOTHERFUCKING BUBBLE BOBBLE!? I THINK SO!

The game you are looking for could also be Bubble Bath Babes. If it is, kill yourself. Thanks.

17. vagina getting turned on easily by looking at a man – Well, if you had been born before 1995, you probably would have taken some sort of Sex Ed class in school by now and you wouldn’t be typing dumb shit like this into Yahoo. Girls get horny too, dude.

18. it’s a secret to everyone – In Soviet Russia, everyone is a secret to YOU!

19. which mortal kombat character are u – I am Johnny Cage, sunglasses enthusiast and master of the Shadow Kick. Also, I like punching people in the crotch. Thanks for asking.

20. a map of the crotch to find the clitoris – Your typical vagina is composed of about 20-50 rooms and you’ll usually find the map somewhere in one of the first eight rooms. Unfortunately, you won’t be able to find the clit with the map alone; you’ll need the compass. The compass is usually nearby… you shouldn’t have to search more than five or six more rooms until you find it. Once you get, the location of the clitoris will appear on your map either as a skull or a blinking red dot.

Oh wait… that’s Legend of Zelda. My bad.

21. funny grayskyull shirts – More like funny GAYskull shirts.

 
22. is there any use for the vitablaster in a boy and his blob – Yes, there is. You use it to kill stuff on Blobonia.

23. how to euthanize a cat yourself – Lock it in a box with a small amount of a radioactive isotope…

24. best video game ever – SANS PONG RIEN.

25. americans fucking together – Hmmm… I guess even terrorists have fetishes.

26. scary stories to tell in the dark is fucked up – It is! The illustrations in it seriously gave me nightmares.

27. i can’t find the flute in zelda link to the past – Sucks to be you, don’t it?

28. fairly oddparents porn – I’ve decided to phrase my answer in the form of a picture:

 
29. amy rose hentai – See above.

30. how do i get my child to appear in sesame street – Sesame Workshop is based in New York City, so you should keep an eye out in the major NY newspapers for an open casting call. But chances are pretty good that you either need to work on the show or know someone who works on the show to get your kid on it.

31. what super nintendo game allowed you to throw your mohawk – I have no idea. But if you want try an equally weird SNES game, I recommend Mo Hawk & Headphone Jack:

 
32. sensational sherri martel – is dead. RIP.

33. blacks more often kill with machetes – Yeah… I’m pretty sure that’s not true.

34. micro machines spokesman – That would be John Moschitta.

35. erin esurance naked and fucking – Isn’t this where we came in?

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

A new comic is up. That is up. More crap coming soon, including a super mega FWSE.

That is all.

International amirite Day was a success!

“International amirite Day?”

More like International Spam The Whites Day.
 

      It is time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly site feature where I comment on some of the keywords that vistors to my site typed into various search engines. This FWSE report is for the week beginning May 20th and ending May 26th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. joe and mac 2 – Electric Boogaloo? Seriously though, there are three separate games that are in contention for the title of Joe & Mac 2. First, there’s Congo’s Caper, a SNES game released in Japan in 1992 and America in 1993. Caveman Ninja was known as Tatakae Genshijin in Japan, while Congo’s Caper was known as Tatakae Genshijin 2, making it the first official sequel. However, this game does not star Joe & Mac. It was followed by another SNES game, Tatakae Genshijin 3, which was released in the USA as Joe & Mac 2: Lost In The Tropics. However, you may remember that the original Joe & Mac game debuted in arcades. If you’re a purist, you may consider the 1994 arcde game Joe & Mac Returns to be the true Joe & Mac 2. At any rate, all three games are worth a try.

2. amy fisher – Here’s a joke I heard one time on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air:

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Amy Fisher.
Amy Fisher who?
BANG!

Incredibly dated? Yes. But it’s still pretty funny.

3. mickey mousecapades – First off, it’s called Mickey Mousecapade, singular. Secondly, if Nintendo ever put this game up for sale on the Wii Virtual Console, their servers would implode from its sheer awfulness; I’m surprised that The Legend of Kage hasn’t already managed to do this.

4. the ingredients of pepsi vs coke – All you really need to know is that Pepsi is sweeter.

5. super mario 2 how to beat frog – Let’s see…

A) His name is Wart.
B) You’re kidding, right? THROW FUCKING VEGETABLES AT HIM!

6. neked fuck site – Neked isn’t a word; neither is nekkid. So why don’t you go fuck yourself?

7. why are nes games so hard – Because you’re impatient and poorly trained. You lack discipline!

8. punchout gabby jay – Few people know this, but Super Punch-Out’s Gabby Jay was originally going to be a far more accurate caricature of French boxers. His name? Jabby Gay.

9. big robots with fucking lasers – That could be pretty much anything…

10. sly cooper porn – Well, that’s my cue to quit in disgust. See ya.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      I, Syd Lexia, do hereby decree that from this year forward, June 13 shall be recognized as International amirite Day in Austria, New Zealand, and all NATO nations. International amirite Day is a celebration of the popular internet expression amirite and International amirite Day revelers are encouraged to use the phrase as many times as possible on this day, especially after those around them start to become annoyed or enraged by the repeated usage of it. The I-NaD faithful are encouraged to punctuate their amirites with graphics of Dr. Wright, a popular video game character from the SNES version of SimCity; an example can be seen below.

      So remember, International amirite Day is nearly upon us. Mark it on your calendar… June 13th. Get ready to annoy the fuck out of everyone you know.

      More like everyone you BLOW. amirite?

      Now it’s time for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly site report where I review some of the keywords that brought visitors to my site. This FWSE report is for the week beginning May 13th and ending May 19th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. riff raff was a pimp – Fuck yeah!

2. myspace screenshots – If you want to take a screenshot of MySpace, hit the Print Screen key. Then open MS Paint and you’ll be able to paste the image into the blank form thus allowing you to edit and/or save it. If those directions aren’t good enough for ya, then go fuck yourself; you completely suck at computers and you don’t deserve to have screenshots of your shitty MySpace page. Speaking of MySpace, add me. Now.

3. erin esurance nude – I was trying not to include this, but it keeps showing up in the fucking site logs and I’m sick of trying to find something more interesting.

4. syd lexia aids – According to some cranky mongloid on StumbleUpon, my site is less funny than AIDS. If AIDS wasn’t so damn hilarious, I might be offended.

5. moonwalker gif animation – Fuck that. Here’s an Altered Beast GIF animation instead:

 
6. monster party prototype – I would be willing to kill millions, no BILLIONS, of people, if it meant that I would get my grubby hands on a copy of the Japanese prototype of Monster Party. Heck, I don’t even need an exact location; just give me a compass bearing and the rampage can begin.

7. scorp boon an bomal boty – I have no fucking clue what this means, but I seriously doubt this person was looking for the Mortal Kombat page that came up.

8. how to convince a girl to blow you – Ask her nicely.

9. centipede board game – I’m the #2 result for this search on Yahoo, right under a Wikipedia entry on the VIDEO GAME. On Google, I’m the #1 result. My review of the Centipede board game attracts more traffic than you might think, which is to say it nets me significantly more than zero hits per week.

10. play snake rattle and roll – That’s a good idea, I think I will. I’m outta here.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

A new Valdronius article is now up. Enjoy.

      It is once again time for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly site report where I take a look at some of the words and phrases that visitors to my site typed into various search engines. This FWSE report is for the week beginning May 6th and ending May 12th. As always, these are all real searches. Ready or not, here it comes…

1. november rain why the girl dies – She kills herself, and if I recall correctly, she does it with the gun she took from Axl in the “Don’t Cry” video.

2. girls fucking anything – Now see, that’s just stupid. There are certain things I would NEVER want to watch a girl fuck, like a skunk. Or my best friend.

3. beat a boy and his blob – Okay:

 
4. nes game magic kid and animals – Based on your rather limited description, I’m going to guess you’re thinking of Little Nemo: The Dream Master, one of Capcom’s many NES classics. If you’re not, you should be.

5. how are bruce lee and forest law alike – They laugh alike, they walk alike, at times they even talk alike! You can lose you your mind…

6. best snes pool game – Oh man, it sure is hard trying to find the best SNES pool game. I mean, just think of all the choices you have: Championship Pool, Side Pocket, or Super Billiard. There’s no fucking way you could possibly PLAY ALL THREE AND DECIDE WHICH ONE YOU LIKE THE BEST, now is there? Of course not, you lazy fuck.

7. dorothy lemay nude – She’s a porn star! She’s never NOT nude!

8. pepsi failed products – I’m pretty sure we can safely add Pepsi Summer Mix to the long list of failed Pepsi products.

9. nes point and clicking games – Since the NES didn’t have a mouse, it didn’t technically have any any point and click adventure games. However it did have versions of classic PC point and click games such as Uninvited, Shadowgate, Deja Vu, Maniac Mansion, and King’s Quest 5. But on the NES, they weren’t so much “point and click” games as they were “clumsily drag a cursor across the screen using your Nintendo controller” games.

10. fat old nannys fucking – BARF.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      Yes, for the third straight week in a row, SydLexia.com is offering up new content on the front page. Try not to get used it… there’s no way I can keep it going. But let’s not worry about that right now. Instead, let’s worry about how Sesame Street ruined my whole life.

      Now it’s time for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly site feature where I take a look at some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into various search engines. This FWSE report is for the week of April 28th through May 5th. As always, these are all real searches. Let’s begin…

1. princess peach porn – As far as alliterative hentai searches go, this is considerably better than big bowser butts. It’s still pretty sad though.

2. suck – The most common definition:

 
3. fat mullets – A mullet can’t be fat, only the person who sports it… and anyone who still has a mullet in 2007 probably is.

4. megaman how to kill bombman – I hate to be the one to tell you this, but if you can’t kill Bombman with your basic gun, you kinda suck at Mega Man. And if you can’t figure out that Fire Storm is Bombman’s weakness, you REALLY suck at Mega Man.

5. fisting punishment game – Gross.

6. fucking scenes from hollywood movies – When Beavis realized he was “never gonna score” in his classic feature length animated adventure, he made a fucking scene.

7. how they make mcdonalds happy meals – Easy, they take a regular McDonald’s cheeseburger, a small fries, and a fun promotional toy, and throw them in a nicely decorated box or bag. These days, kids usually get a bag because it’s cheaper. They also give you a small drink on the side.

8. hulk hogan album – That would be Hulk Rules:

 
9. larisa oleynik clarissa explains it all – Larisa Oleynik never appeared on Clarissa Explains It All. However, she starred in The Secret World Of Alex Mack and I would mack on that girl something fierce.

10. mario fucks peach – I always assumed they were saving themselves for marriage.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

     A new Valdronius article is up. In this one, he takes Toxic Crusaders, a shitty NES game based on a cartoon that was itself loosely based on a classic R-rated movie. This concludes the lead-in… read it!

      It is time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring site feature where I take a look at some of the keywords that visitors to the site typed into the search engines that brought them here. This FWSE report is for the week of April 22nd through April 28th. Begin transmission.

1. bridgette wilson fucking – Oh man, Pete Sampras is totally gonna kick your ass.

2. where are the zora flippers on zelda a link to the past – How the fuck am I supposed to know that shit? I’ve never played a video game in my entire life!

3. top 100 nes games – The only NES game I can think of with anywhere close to 100 tops is Mega Man 3. You can count them yourself:

 
4. i want to fuck melissa joan hart – Me too, but I want to do it purely for scientific reasons. I bet my friend $5 and all my Jurassic Park trading cards that if I came in her lazy eye, it would temporarily improve her depth perception.

5. syd lexia is a pokemon – Is that supposed to be some sort of insult? If it is, it’s not a very good one. See, in order to be effective insults have to MAKE SENSE.

6. pizza hut advertising noids – Two problems here. First, there was only Noid, unless you take the Yo! Noid video game as canon. Secondly, the Noid appeared in Domino’s commercials, not Pizza Hut ones.

7. playskool definitely dinosaurs – I love those things! Send me some.

8. psychological reason for playing attractive videogame characters – It’s probably out of loneliness, because you’re a sad little person who can’t get a date. That, or it’s just a simple matter of aesthetics.

9. why did they black out sub zero’s spine rip fatality in ultimate mk3 – There are two possiblities as to why that happened. Boon and Tobias received a lot of criticism for the violent fatalities in MK1 and MK2, and they tried to move away from that with MK3. As a result, many of the MK3 fatalities are a lot tamer than the ones in the first two games. So when Classic Sub-Zero was added into the Ultimate version of MK3, the Mortal Kombat team may have decided that his classic fatality was too violent and voluntarily censored it. The other possibility is that there simply wasn’t enough ROM space to include the full fatality. That may sound less plausible, but it’s not; the Animalities for the original MK3 characters were all rendered in monochrome due to memory issues.

10. dudes with attitudes best game ever – Begone foul demon! Return to the fiery pit from whence thou came!

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

It’s been over a month, but a new article is up. It’s a review of MAD Magazine No. 292, an issue of the magazine dated January 1990. Also, it has the Super Mario Brothers on the cover.