After a lengthy absence, it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines. FWSE has been MIA since December 30th, and the reason for that is that I’ve been drunk since New Year’s Eve and I’m just now sobering up. Now, some of you may wonder why if I was able to post on the forums and write two articles between now and New Year’s Eve if I’ve been drunk this whole time. Easy. It’s a lot easier to write stuff when you’re drunk as hell than it is to look at site logs. Have you ever looked at site logs? They’re fucking annoying. Anyway, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. It may be a lie, but it’s a believable lie. It’s the little lie that could. And it’s better than the truth, which is that I’m a lazy douche.

      Honestly, I didn’t think that people would miss FWSE as much as they did. I thought I could get away with not doing it, but many of my forum members were quite vocal on the subject: “Where’s FWSE?” “When are you doing the FWSE?” “Why are you aren’t you writing the FWSE?” And so on and so forth. But now it’s back. So if you’ve been dying to see some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines, look no further, because here it is. This FWSE report is for the 42 day period beginning December 31st and ending February 10th. Ready or not, here it comes…

1. game zoma – The only game I know of with a Zoma in it is Dragon Warrior III, where the final boss bears that name. The game also happens to be the absolute best NES RPG ever, so if you haven’t played it yet, do so now.

2. iam not able perform fatality in mortal kombat deception – Sucks to be you.

3. gamefaqs character battle – I’m far too lazy to fill out predictions for the GameFAQs character battles, but I usually vote in them. Recently, a character battle ended that was far more epic than the every GameFAQs character battle combined: The SydLexia.com Character Battle! The winner was crowned on February 9th and that winner was Tebor, who beat out jonnymorgue and myself in the final round. Congratulations, Tebor

4. all the fun games for boy and girl – There’s only one fun game that a boy and girl can play together and you have to take your clothes off to play it. That game is Parcheesi.

5. crappy NES games – You know what’s not a crappy NES game? SCAT. Isn’t that ironic?

6. stupid taito – You better shut your ignorant inbred whore mouth before I do it for you. Taito fucking rocks.

7. find whistles on super mario bros 3 – I’m probably a *little* biased since I was growing up when this game first came out, but that’s the stupidest fucking question I’ve ever heard. EVER!

8. girl makes video for boyfriend -You’re probably thinking of Libby Hoeller, whose webcam videos have been widely circulated via P2P networks since the year 2000. It’s funny, Libby Hoeller made her videos while attending the University of Wisconsin-Madison and then a few years later, a student from the University of Wisconsin-Platteville named Maria Lutzke made a video for her boyfriend that ended up all over the internet as well. I guess the lesson here is that there’s nothing to do in Wisconsin except masturbate on your webcam. And for the record, the UWP video is way hotter.

9. what is the difference between the wwf and the wwe – A cease & desist order and a whole lot of stagnation.

10. batman is a fucking crap bastard shit – Tourette’s Syndrome is a serious disease. Seriously hilarious, that is.

11. mortel combat pictures – Mortel Combat? MORTEL COMBAT? It takes not one, not two, but three emoticons to properly illustrate the disgust I’m feeling right now:

12. samus taught us that a girl doesn’t need brains to be successful – Damn that’s a good line, I wish I wrote it. Oh wait. I did. Sweet!

13. can you find me a site where you can dress up ariel the mermaid – First of all, a search engine is not a person. The only search engine that PRETENDED to be a person, Ask Jeeves, has morphed into the extremely craptacular Ask.com. And since a search engine is not a person, you don’t need to phrase your search in the form of a question. When you do that, you add unnecessary keywords into your search that make it less accurate. Secondly, no one’s gonna find you a gay ass dress-up site. Not Google, not Yahoo, and certainly not me. You wanna dress up a goddam mermaid? Fuck that. You can dress up Jesus instead.

14. bowser fucking peach – You know, the internet is a pretty pathetic place… a place where one can, in fact, actually find Nintendo hentai. Here’s a heavily edited artist’s rendition of what Bowser fucking Peach might look like:

 
15. mario fucks peach – I think that’s enough hentai for one day. It’s certainly enough SMB-related hentai for one day.

16. black girls over 50 years are fucking – I bet they are, but I sure as fuck don’t wanna see it. I don’t wanna see ANYONE over 50 fucking. I mean, come on. Also, while the terms “woman” and “girl” are semi-interchangeable, a woman stops being a “girl” long before she hits 50. I believe the official cut off is somewhere around 30. So for those of you playing at home, Jennie Garth is no longer a hot “girl”, but Jenna Haze is.

17. kid icarus being an eggplant – Fuck off, you racist son of a bitch! Also, Kid Icarus was white.

18. autistic porn – Once again:

19. porn sites of girls under 18 yo – That’s wicked illegal, yo.

20. dinosaur toys 90s rubber – My best guess would be Playskool’s Definitely Dinosaurs, which were manufactured from 1987 to 1996.

21. nes game – We did not find results for: nes game. Broaden your search by using fewer words.

22. where do christmas movies take place – In a wide variety of locales, both real and fictional.

23. sydlexia krislexia – You stay the hell away from my sister! I’ll fucking kill you!

24. are you afraid of the dark coming back – Am I afraid of the dark coming back? How could I be, when the dark never left. In fact, it’s getting stronger. And if we’re not careful, this growing darkness will consume our very souls.

25. rachel ray nude – I’d rather see the annoying bitch dead than nude.

26. clarissa explains it all – To the best of my knowledge, Clarissa never explained teenage pregnancy.

27. fairly oddparents porn – This comes up a disturbing number of times in the site logs.

28. top competitive nes games – Technically speaking, the three most competitive NES games out there are Super Mario Bros., Rad Racer, and Tetris, as those were three games that were used to evaluate players in 1990 Nintendo World Championship.

29. bubble bobble level 57 – Its NES password is FEJJJ. God, I fucking hate that level:

 
30. bad ass nicknames – Spanky McCracken and Douche McCallister are both good ones… too bad they’re taken.

31. coat hanger abortion diagram – Fantastic.

32. is caffeine free pepsi good for you – Not especially. It’s better for you than caffeinated Pepsi though. To really drink healthy, you should drink Caffeine Free Diet Pepsi. Of course, at that point, you might as well just drink seltzer water.

33. no music on mtv anymore reality shows – Yup, MTV sucks ass. Hell, even VH1 sucks now. Has anyone seen The White Rapper Show? It’s quite possibly the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. The premise is this: skinny white guys with crooked teeth and fat chicks who look more Hispanic than white compete to see whose rhymes suck the least. If you like this show, you should be shot.

34. underrated nes games – The Magic of Scheherazade immediately springs to mind.

35. reality tv and violence – Reality TV definitely leads to violence. Specifically, it leads to me smashing television sets.

36. mortal combat red and yellow robots – Those would be Sektor and Cyrax. And it’s Kombat, dammit!

37. succeed in jungle hunt – That sounds like a command. Luckily, it’s one that’s easy for me to obey.

38. hayden panettiere fake nude pictures – First off, whatever happened to imagination? Secondly, she deserves better than that.

39. nude nes emulator – What does that even mean? You want an NES emulator that’s nude? You want an NES emulator that emulates nude games? I DON’T FUCKING UNDERSTAND!!!

40. kara borden – It may be old news, but it still gets hits for some reason.

41. hillary clinton’s cookie recipe – Heh, more like Nestlé Tollhouse’s cookie recipe.

42. девушки – A magic spell? No wait, it’s Russian. Fucked if I know what it means. It’s probably some creepy porn search, because Russians are goddam perverts.

      Well, that’s it for now. I learned a valuable lesson today: the longer I put off doing FWSE, the longer it takes to finally complete it. Never again will I wait so long to finish an FWSE. Never. Tune in next when Fun With Search Engines will most definitely return for yet another installment.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      In a shocking turn of events, Anna Nicole Smith suddenly passed away yesterday. As someone who has, uh, thoroughly enjoyed her Playboy shoots, I was greatly shocked and disappointed by her death. And so, I would like to offer up the following eulogy:

Anna Nicole, when people look back at your life, I think the thing they’ll remember most is that you were really, really hot. And while this hotness was sometimes marred by your massive weight fluctuations, reality show antics, and prolonged legal battles, deep down we all still knew it was there. To us, the general public, you were always that smoking hot babe from the nudie mags. And when we found out that your character in Naked Gun 33⅓ was a hermaphrodite, we paused for a second, thought about it, then we decided we’d still do you. Even in death, we’d probably still do you. We might settle for Jill Kelly though, being as she’s still alive. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Amen.

      I believe that Anna Nicole Smith deserves to be mourned, and I for one shall mourn her. Out of respect for Anna Nicole, I pledge to refrain from masturbating to pictures of her for two weeks. Well, maybe one week. Well, maybe a day. How about an hour?

A new article is finally up.

      Over the last few years, I’ve made a bunch of images that have become lost in the annals of time. Some of them were for quick jokes on the forums, some of them were for FWSE, and some of them were for my own personal use. Since these images are still taking up my server space, I figured I should probably do something with them… so I did:

The SydLexia.com Image Dump

Enjoy.

      And it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly site report where I take a look at some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into, well, search engines. This FWSE report is for the week beginning December 24th and ending December 30th. Since this week included Christmas, you might expect to see some festive searches. Unfortunately, you’re completely wrong. Let’s begin…

1. yo gi oh – Yo-Gi-Oh? I love that guy. He’s smarter than the average King of Games.

2. the world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. it’s a very mean and nasty place – Thank you, Tebor. The Rocky Balboa quote in your signature on the forums has lured several visitors to the site.

3. preteens fucking – On Christmas? ON CHRISTMAS!? I hope you die for this.

4. jill valentine hentai – I have a better idea:

 
5. boys play with my little ponies gay – It’s not necessarily gay, but it certainly ain’t healthy. If you disagree, here’s a suggestion: take that fucking power crystal off your neck, because no one wants to hear your pseudo-intellectual New Age bullsit.

6. fucking games – There’s always Sextris.

7. girls fucking whit hamsters – I thought only Richard Gere did that. And there’s a definite typo there; it’s either supposed to be with hamsters or white hamsters. My guess is white because the kids these days all say wit instead of with.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

…is the the post-Christmas clearance sales. Fucking sweet!

      Guess what? It’s time for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly SydLexia.com site report where I take a look at some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into various search engines. This FWSE report is for the week starting December 17th and ending December 23th. As always, these are all real searches. Ready? Let’s go.

1. girls – I know my Girls of the NES article has garned some attention, but whoever found my site with this search had an amazing amount of patience. I was originally going to check out exactly how many pages into the Google search results for “girls” that you’d have to find SydLexia.com, but I got bored by the fifth page. However, I did find this site.

2. best christmas movies – This is still one of my favorite articles ever. My only regret is that I didn’t have room for Jack Slater III.

3. contact or mail or email or phone or fax or tel site:www.sydlexia.com – My preferred form of contact for site-related matters is e-mail and my e-mail address appears at the end of every article on the site. It is Syd_Lexia@SydLexia.com.

4. best nes game – Survey says: Super Mario 3.

 
5. you like fat girls – I do like fat girls, so long as they enjoy the site. But I don’t like like them. I also don’t Like Like them.

6. triple h and steph videos – The Triple H’s success in the WWE proves that it’s not who you know… it’s who you blow. If there’s one thing I don’t miss, it’s those shitty Triple H soliloquys from the McMahon-Helmsley era where The Game would come out at the beginning of each and every RAW and waste the first 30 minutes of the program saying THE SAME FUCKING THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN. In conclusion, fuck Triple H. The guy makes John Cena look like Ricky Steamboat.

7. cute shorts with names on them – Shorts with names on them are for whores. Stupid whores.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

Two weeks ago, I issued a challenge: bring me the head of Rachael Ray. I am happy to say that the Rachael Ray Challenge has ended. I would like to thank myself, as I am the one who procured it. I rock. Except to see that stupid bitch in all sorts of comprising positions in the future. Until then, here’s a shot of her under my Christmas tree:

      Last night, the nation lost Gerald Ford, the 38th President of the United States. I don’t have much to say about Gerald Ford, except he seemed like a nice guy. Apparently, he was my favorite president at one point. When I visited the Smithonsonian museums on a family vacation in August of 1992, one of the souvenirs I bought was a Gerald R. Ford coin. It cost me $2.75:

Rest in peace, Mr. President.

      It’s been far too long, but now it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the SydLexia.com site report where I review some of the search queries that brought visitors to my site. This FWSE report is for the four week period starting November 26th and ending December 16th. As always, these are all real searches. Let’s begin…

1. cartoon female president – That’s a rather apropos search, because you’ll never ever see a female U.S. president anywhere outside of cartoons. And yes, I do consider Geena Davis to be a cartoon.

2. beach patrol hulk hogan – He likes to party, party, party.

3. animals christmas eve – The book? Here you go.

4. phosporic acid what is it – It’s one of the main ingredients of cola.

5. why mola ram kills people – So that Steven Spielberg and Richard Conway could show off their kickass special effects skills.

6. syd lexia is gay – You’re only saying that because you’re mad I fucked your mom last week. You know, the one who’s been dead for ten years?

7. hayden panettiere – Save the cheerleader, send her to my hotel room.

8. gamefaqs character battle – If you want to learn about the GameFAQs character battles, maybe you should go to GameFAQs. Or you could come to the SydLexia.com forums and vote in our character battle. The chicken from Legend of Zelda: A Link To The Past is currently the favorite to win.

9. lexia raisins – Lexia raisins are not a product of SydLexia.com. Don’t buy them. Send me money instead.

 
10. samus aran hentai – For the last time, NO HENTAI!

11. original rampage nes level count – I’m confused by the use of the word ORIGINAL here. There was only one NES version of Rampage and it was not the original version; the game debuted in arcade. But to answer the actual question at hand, the NES version has 128 levels.

12. all christmas films made – Good luck with that.

13. i hate my fucking boss – That seems more like a blog entry than a search query. It also seems like a good way to get fired if your employer monitors your internet usage. Also, I’d find this search way more interesting if MY and FUCKING were transposed.

14. how to do super punch move – I can’t help you because I don’t know what video game we’re talking about here. I assume it’s a video game anyway, because I don’t recall anyone inventing any sort of super punch move in the real world.

15. best cliffhanger movie – Um, what is… Cliffhanger?

16. contra sucks – The hell you say!

17. medicine for fucking girl – What, like rufies?

18. girlfriend christmas party game – The best Christmas party game to play with your girlfriend is Stuff The Stocking. Incidentally, it’s also a fun game to play with someone else’s girlfriend.

19. best xmas thing – Presents!

20. nes game yoyo – It’s probably either StarTropics or Yo! Noid.

21. forest law vs liu kang – Ah, the battle of the Bruce Lee clones. On the one hand, Forest Law has never been killed, which seems to indicate that he’s the better fighter. On the other hand, Liu Kang is currently an angry undead zombie filled with murderous rage. Also, Liu Kang has fatalities. Advantage: Liu Kang.

22. steven irwin hentai – That doesn’t even make sense.

23. sydlexia hate sites – I wish there were Syd Lexia hate sites out there… that would add a new dimension of legitimacy to my work.

24. buttsex banana blood – That’s gross. You know what? Fuck this. I don’t need this. I’m outta here.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      God, I fucking hate Rachael Ray. Not only does she have an incredibly annoying voice, but every word out of her mouth is idle chatter. Listening to Rachael Ray talk is like listening to a teenage girl tell you about her day at junior high school; nothing she has to say is remotely interesting, but she keeps on talking anyway. The worst part is, Rachael Ray is everywhere. She has 5 television shows, her own magazine, and she’s currently starring in a series of Nabisco ads. But now she’s gone too far. The other day I walked into my local supermarket and saw this:

      Yes, now Rachael Ray can be seen in gigantic fucking floor displays at a supermarkets everywhere. This sickens me, so am I extending an open challenge to everyone out there: Bring Me The Head Of Rachael Ray! Actually, bring me her whole upper torso. I need a new dartboard, and Rachael Ray would be perfect. If you enjoy the site, this would be a nice way to repay me. I’ve kept SydLexia.com free of banner ads and other crap, so give me head. No, not like that. If you are able to procure Rachael Ray, contact me.

NOTE: SydLexia.com’s Bring Me The Head Of Rachael Ray Challenge is not a contest. Furthermore, SydLexia.com does not endorse the employment of any illegal activities or tactics in the challenge. This list of activities includes but is not limited to theft, murder, and rape.

      I got my Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin preorder package today. And by that, I mean the UPS guy left it lying unguarded on my front porch in subfreezing weather while I was at work. I’m kinda pissed at EB… those cheap bastards sent the game out in a padded envelope instead of a cardboard box. As a result, the plastic collector’s box got banged up a little bit.

      I’m also slightly disappointed with Konami; they really should have included a hard plastic case for the Castlevania music CD. Other than that, everything is in perfectly working order and it is fucking badass. I am gonna play the hell out of this game. On a COMPLETELY unrelated note, the site is now officially closed for the next two weeks.

Just kidding.

(Or am I?)

      So it seems that the Girls of the NES article that I wrote last May has suddenly caught on in a big way. It has recently been linked to on a bunch sites, and that list includes high traffic locales such as Digg, I-Am-Bored, StumbleUpon, Kotaku, and Destructoid. As a result, the site has received its highest Alexa daily traffic ranking ever: 3,302. Additionally, my overall traffic ranking has finally broken 50,000. I know it won’t last, but it’s still pretty fucking cool.

      It’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring SydLexia.com site report where I review some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into various search engines. This FWSE report is for the two week period starting November 12th and ending November 25th. As always, these are all real searches. Let’s begin…

1. erin esurance sex – In case you’re unaware, Erin Esurance is a character from a series of commercials for Esurance, an online auto insurance company:

This means the internet has hit two new all-time lows. First, people are searching for nude pics of a cartoon character from a CAR INSURANCE commercial. Secondly, there are actually some out there.

2. dos mortal kombat and special moves – If the DOS version of Mortal Kombat is anything like the DOS version of Street Fighter II, then you should probably just delete it.

3. fairly odd parents porn – Searching for porn starring your parents isn’t fairly odd; it’s completely fucked up.

4. carstobots.com – Clerks II, available now wherever DVDs are sold.

5. fatality list for mk2 – The Mortal Kombat Fatality Extravaganza is still going strong, but it has been eclipsed in popularity by 100 Best NES Games Ever project.

6. top 100 nes games – If you thought one cheap plug for the 100 Best NES Games Ever page per FWSE was enough, you were wrong.

7. unblockable porn – This keeps showing up in the logs, so I might as well give the people what they want:

 
8. alien fuck games – Finally, a serious question. One of the most popular fuck games in the Retta’ar galaxy is known as Jaxxor. The rules are simple. First, you find a willing female and wrap a Grelnek belt around her. Then, you each take turns trying to quock her nuknok. This game is generally played at birthday parties and inaugurations.

9. girls eat shit – They do? She told me it was just morning breath! THAT BITCH!

10. is the construction industry fucked – After the way they fucked up the Big Dig and fucked over Massachusetts taxpayers, I sure hope so. It would be nice to see the tables turned.

11. how girls are pratically fucking by boys – Yeah I hate how that is happening. At least, I would if I had any fucking clue what the hell you were talking.

12. I hate legends of the hidden temple – Here’s Olmec with a rebuttal:

 
13. how many zapper guns can you use nes duck hunt – You can only use one gun. However, if the game is on Mode A, you can use the controller in the first slot to control the ducks and dick over the person shooting at them.

14. space channel 5 hentai – I seriously doubt there’s any Space Channel 5 hentai out there. If there is, this search won’t end well. After all, Michael Jackson is in the game.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

An epic battle is currently taking place in my forums, one that pits 24 of my forum members against 24 mediocre video game characters in battle for total dominance. Who will win? Find out in the SydLexia.com Character Battle!

      Kirby, pictured above in a file photo from September 2005, has finally decided to return for the 25th installment of the NES Drinking Saga. Why now? Why not!

      Franksgiving is the same day for everyone, so I don’t want to hear any bitching from you damn dirty Canadians that I’m over a month too late with these holiday wishes.