Welcome back to Fun With Search Engines, the recurring site feature where I review some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. This FWSE report is for the week of June 4th – June 10th. As always, these are all actual searches.

1. unblockable porn – I believe I already covered this four months ago in FWSE #53. Oh well, here’s some new unblockable porn:

 
2. bomberman 64 boss – Agreed. Bomberman 64 was pretty fucking boss.

3. clinton cookies – Clinton cookies are great, especially when served with DNC Kool-Aid.

4. can you beat the legend of kage – Why would you want to?

5. sexy cartoon cats – I’ve hired John McLaughlin to respond to this:

 
6. how much should a kid weigh – Less than you do, fatty.

7. time killers arcade game – Time Killers was my second article. I don’t like it as much as some of others, particularly Revolution X, but it’s still pretty good.

FIN.

      In honor of 06/06/06, a new article is up on Nintendo’s Devil World. Hopefully you will enjoy my review a hell of a lot more than I enjoyed the game.

      It’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly segment where I take a look at some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. This FWSE report is for the week beginning May 28th and ending June 3rd. As always, these are all real searches.

1. retsu rape birdie – As if the hentai searches weren’t gay enough, now I have to deal with yaoi searches. This is fucking fantastic.

2. canadian kids show with lockers and slime – What is You Can’t Do That On Television. I’ll take Potent Potables for $2000, Alex.

3. how the fuck do you beat vega in street fighter 2 – Suck less?

4. mortal combat LP-HK-HP-BLK-HK- – First of all, the games are called Mortal Kombat. Secondly, after a quick search of both parts my Mortal Kombat Fatality Extravaganza as well as Google, Yahoo, and MSN, no such move seems to exist in any Mortal Kombat game. Perhaps it’s a combo of some sort, but it seems to be undocumented. Or perhaps whoever typed it doesn’t know shit about Mortal “Combat”.

5. kristin cavalleri sexy pictures – Here’s one:

 
6. pop culture +1986 – Dammit, I hate pop culture. And I *especially* hate 1986 pop culture. Hey wait a second, no I don’t.

7. motorcycle noises made with mouth – I wish I was making this up, but someone actually took time out their day to fucking search for motorcycles noises made with mouth. Sigh. And to make matters worse, I’m currently one of the Top 10 results on Yahoo for this dumbass search.

      This concludes Fun With Search Engines #70. Tune in next week when my faith in humanity will sink to new lows as I weed through all the hentai searches in a futile attempt to put together a decent FWSE.

      My efforts as an analyst of 1980s pop culture have not gone unnoticed. Recently I was contacted by a special interest group called the Council for Cocaine Awareness who wanted me to design a poster for them. So I did. Enjoy.

      I was too lazy to do Fun With Search Engines last week, so now it’s time for a super mega two week edition of FWSE. For anyone as of yet uninitiated, Fun With Search Engines is a weekly site feature where I take a look at some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. This FWSE report is for the period beginning May 14th and ending May 27th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. unblockable porn – The impossible dream. The impossibly retarded dream.

2. dr vink – With a va-va-va….

 
3. kristin cavalleri nude pics – Normally I just deride this search. However, since this is FWSE #69, it’s only appropriate that I do something slightly different… but I won’t. You people with your goddam celebrity porn searches are pathetic. Fuck you.

4. cartoon hentai – This raises an interesting cultural issue: is it still considered hentai if it’s live-action? We may never know. Correction: we may never care.

5. photodump – That’s what came out when I accidentally ate that roll of film. You know, back when people still used cameras that required film.

6. kara borden 2006 – Do I smell a gubernatorial campaign in the works? Or maybe she could replace Rick Santorum in the Senate. Sure she’s too young to legally run, but she’s too young to be doing a lot of other stuff that we already know she’s done.

7. duck attacks – Duck attacks are vicious and can happen at any time. Like now.

AFLAC!

 
8. princess peach fucking luigi pictures – That would never happen because Luigi’s a total scrub.

9. video game female character – This search is from 5/24. If it had come just four days later, the searcher would have stumbled upon my all-new Girls of the NES article. Actually it would have to be more like six days later, since it takes time for search engines to crawl and cache new pages.

10. bumblelion – Rest in peace.

 
11. Fairly Odd Parents porn galleries only on Cartoon Holiday – Gross.

12. you are now watching smb2 bloopers – No I’m not, you liar.

13. drug induced fucking – You, sir, are an awful human being. Die.

14. executing a hadouken – You’re kidding, right? It’s only the most basic fighting game movie EVER. It’s down to forward on the direction pad immediately followed by a punch.

      This concludes Fun With Search Engines #69. Tune in next week when there will almost definitely be a new FWSE. Probably. Maybe. No wait, definitely.

      I’d like to offer my apologies the lack of new site content as of late, I kinda suck sometimes. All I can say is that I’m sorry and I’ll try and give you something new to read very soon.

      It’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring feature where I review some of the keywords that random visitors to my site typed into search engines. This FWSE report is for the week of May 7th – May 13th. Ready? Here we go…

1. vomit – Some people have used the word ‘vomit’ in regards to my site’s color scheme and what it makes them want to do. May they die one thousand deaths.

2. fucking cool – It’s pretty fucking cool that someone found my site by searching for ‘fucking cool’. You may also find it ironic, depending on your opinion of the site.

3. mortal combat fatality screenshot – Oh my god, dude. 1992 has been trying to reach you all week. He told me to tell you that the game is called Mortal Kombat, with a fucking K. He also told me to kick you in the balls, but I think that’s a little extreme.

4. need help solving case 5 on dick tracy for nintendo – No, what you *need* to do is stop playing Dick Tracy… BECAUSE IT SUCKS!

5. slogan monster shoot game – That’s one of my favorite games of all-time. At least it might be if I had any idea what the fuck you were talking about.

6. kristin cavalleri nude – Bring it on.

7. how to euthanize your cat – Let’s see if it’s still funny…

      Yeah, I guess it is. And with that stock image, Fun With Search Engines #68 draws to a close. Tune in next week for something or other.

      I had hoped to have a new article up by tonight, but that probably won’t happen now. I had jury duty today and I got stuck on a fucking jury for a trial that doesn’t start until Monday and is expected to last until at least Tuesday. The worst part is that it’s some sort of bullshit civil case, the kind that Judge Wapner used to resolve in like 15 minutes. Hey, maybe Judge Wapner can get me out this…

      Dammit, I guess not. In any case, I don’t feel much like writing anything now because I have the cloud of jury duty hanging over my head. It may be my civic duty, but it’s also wicked fucking gay. Even worse, it prevents me from playing The New Super Mario Brothers.

      Welcome once again to Fun With Search Engines, the weekly site report where I review some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. This FWSE report is for the week of April 30th – May 6th. This is a very special edition of FWSE, because it is dedicated to RegalSin, a somewhat racist and possibly pedophilic member of the SydLexia.com forums. He will probably manage to get himself banned from the site before FWSE #68 comes out, so this is his last hurrah.

1. the mystery of scented mountain by carol howie eldridge – This book is pretty obscure, so I kinda wonder if this search was planted. If it’s not, I sure am glad that I bothered to scan in every fucking page of the book and provide a vulgar commentary on it.

2. andrew jackson cartoon – Actually, Andrew Jackson was a real person.

3. but don’t forget there are many guys like you all over the world – Perhaps, but there’s only one SydLexia.com. And if you didn’t know that, you clearly have no idea how domain names work. And now this:
SydLexia.com: The Quality You Deserve From A Pseudonym That’s Fun To Say!
</cheesy self promotion>

4. kara beth borden nude – I think this search may have been responsible for bringing RegalSin to my forums.

5. peter jennings – That’s a new one and it’s depressing as hell. Peter Jennings was the fucking man.

6. samus aran hentai – Dammit RegalSin, there’s no porn or hentai on my site.

7. kids fucking – RegalSin, will you fucking stop it?

      This concludes Fun With Search Engines #67. Tune in next week when FWSE will almost certainly be more entertaining. In the meantime, why not join the forums and check out some of the monumentally incomprehensible things that RegalSin has posted?

      A new comic is up. If you’ve ever wanted to create your own webcomic, this strip will offer you profound insight into a comedy formula that will you get you big laughs every fucking time. Or not.

      Hi there. It’s Cinco de Mayo, so if you like that shit then have a good one. Also, it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly segment where I look at the some the keywords that visitors to my site typed into various search engines. This FWSE report is for the week of April 23rd through the April 29th. Here it comes…

1. ralston cereals – As I believe I mentioned in my article on Batman Cereal, Chex was the only edible cereal that Ralston ever made. I don’t know why you’d search for information on Ralston cereals, but if you do, my site is currently listed higher on Yahoo than Ralston’s official site.

2. two in the pink one in the stink – That’s fantastic. Is that really the type of audience that I cater to? Hmm, I suppose it is.

3. a series of unfourtunate events – That’s the answer I give when people ask me why the fuck Nintendo’s upcoming console has been renamed the Wii. By answering with a pop culture reference, I am usually able to distract the both of us from the fact that Wii is an incredibly shitty name, if only for a few seconds.

4. magical syd – That sounds like it could have been the title of a Taito platform game. In any case, don’t ever call me Magical Syd because it also sounds gay. This means you, Spanky McCracken.

5. fast show characters – What, like Sonic X or something? Seriously, I have no fucking idea what this means.

6. kristin cavalleri naked pictures – You might as well be searching for the Holy Grail or Santa’s workshop.

7. dragonball had been fuck – I don’t think that’s a complete thought, and I don’t want to see that thought through to any of its logical conclusions, most of which involve Bulma.

Clean out your desk. You’re done here.

      9 out of the 10 voices in my head keep telling me that there’s a new article up on the main page. I already knew about it since I fucking wrote it, but they wanted me to tell everyone else. So now you know. Enjoy.

It’s a kinda late in the week but it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly report where I look at some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. This FWSE report is for the week of April 16th – April 22nd. Also, it’s beyond half-assed.

1. randy savage – Randy Savage would have made a good porn name; Horny Troglodyte just doesn’t have the same ring. I guess it doesn’t matter though, because Randy Savage fucking rules. Oh yeeeeeeeeeah!

2. schindler’s list trailer – I had completely forgotten about this. There’s nothing quite like dated jokes involving Terri Schiavo’s dad, is there?

3. vomit – Vomit is an anagram for Tim Vo. So if your last name is Vo, don’t name your kid Tim. Alternatively, if your last name is Timm, don’t name your kid Vo. I’m talking to you, Bruce Timm. Names that are anagrams for other words are fucking stupid. That’s why I picked Syd Lexia.

4. related:vimm.net/ – For some reason, I’m one of the top related sites for Vimm’s Lair on Google. Oh well, no complaints here.

5. joe & mac caveman ninja – I know those guys. I love those guys. They fucking rock.

6. fatality for jax in mk3 and cooler stuff – Cooler how? Cooler like clowns? This search seems to be based on the belief that a search engine can somehow think independently and decide what’s cool and what isn’t. Then again, it did find Part II of the Mortal Kombat Fatality Extravangza.

7. how many levels has rolling thunder – 10 levels has Rolling Thunder.

(stop reading here.)

      So yeah, a new comic is up on the Comics page. It’s my first single panel comic ever. I figured that if Gary Larson can do it, why can’t I? He doesn’t own the format, you know. Stop acting like he does.

      It’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly report where I reveal some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. Also, I comment on them. This FWSE report is for the week of April 9th – April 15th. Enjoy.

1. xanga hannah lititz pa – Every time I see something involving Lititz, PA, I assume that it has to due with David Ludwig and/or Kara Beth Borden. However, this time it looks like it’s just some boy looking to stalk a girl named Hannah who lives in Lititz. So Hannah, if you’re reading this, be on your guard for psychopaths.

2. grossest naked images – Anything involving fat people, old people, badly damaged rectums, or bodily waste.

3. kara borden myspace – Oh my god, I just mentioned her a minute ago! What ever happened to her? Oh wait, I don’t really care. Well, I care in the sense that I don’t wish any further harm upon her or her family, but I don’t lie awake at night wondering if she’s OK. No, I lie awake at night wondering why the writers of 24 have turned season 5 into a total crapfest and if they’re smoking crack. If they are, they damn well better send some my way.

4. slime – By itself, the word slime could be a reference to many things. There are two things that I closely associate with slime. The first one is the green slime that was dumped on people who said “I don’t know!” on You Can’t Do That On Television. The second one is this:

 
5. professor utonium – The Powerpuff Girls was a solid show and Mojo Jojo was fucking badass. I wish PPG was still on, because most of Cartoon Network’s current cartoons suck. I’m looking at you, Codename: Kids Next Door and you, Camp Lazlo.

6. mario and peach porn – You know what? Fine. You hentai-loving bastards can’t be reasoned with, so I give up. I’ll give you some SMB porn. The catch is that I’ve edited out the naughty parts:

 
7. revolution x snes kill last boss – Do not, under ANY circumstances, play the SNES version of Revolution X. You should probably avoid it on the Genesis, Saturn, and PlayStation as well. Stick to the arcade version.

      That’s it for now, check the site later in the week, when there will be *actual* content. Well, unless I fuck around instead. And actually, there’s a pretty strong possibility that might happen.

I gave you a new article yesterday, so today I’ve decided to give you a new comic. It features professional wrestler Diamond Dallas Page and my favorite U.S. president ever. Bet you can’t guess who it is.

      First off, there’s a new article up. This actually isn’t the article that I’ve been working on for the last few weeks, it’s something I threw together to distract you while I finish it. It’s still good though.

Now, it’s on to Fun With Search Engines, the weekly segment where I review some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. It’s a little late in the week for Fun With Search Engines, but it’s never too late. This FWSE report is for the week of April 2nd – April 8th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. how the fuck do you use a caulking gun – I feel like there’s some sort of joke I could make involving hot caulk, but the specifics elude me.

2. scorpion animality – Scorpion’s animality in Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3 turns him into a scorpion. Oh wait, no it doesn’t, because that would MAKE SENSE. Instead, Scorpions UMK3 animality turns him into a penguin.

3. color bars livejournal – As I’ve said before, IS LOVE color bars suck. But if you’d like to help out the site, use one of my IS MURDER color bars on your MySpace, LiveJournal, or Xanga.

4. female oops – Don’t know, don’t wanna know.

5. michael jackson dangerous explanation – If you really need an explanation as to why some people believe Michael Jackson is dangerous, please crawl back into the bomb shelter that you’ve been living in for the last 15 years. Subsequently, if you really thought I didn’t know that “Dangerous” is the name of a Michael Jackson song, get off my fucking site.

6. volleyball porn – No.

7. 1980s cultural wasteland – Fuck you, the 80s ruled. You want a cultural wasteland, how about 2006?

      Michelle Trachtenberg was a guest star on Tuesday night’s episode of the hit FOX medical drama House, MD. When you are able to book a big star like Michelle, whose prior work includes Eurotrip, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and The NES Drinking Saga, you should advertise that you have her because more people will watch. FOX didn’t. Shame on them.

Tracht Fact #1: Michelle is currently dating actor Shawn Ashmore (Iceman from the X-Men movies)
Tracht Fact #2: I am going drop an anvil on actor Shawn Ashmore (Iceman from the X-Men movies)