A new comic is up, in case anyone is interested. If you’ve ever wondered what a guy who runs a site like this might keep in his mini fridge, then this comic should help you sleep a little better at night. If that doesn’t work, try NyQuil. Lots of it.

      Well, it’s snowing like a motherfucker outside and on top of that there’s THUNDER AND LIGHTNING. How does that even happen? Since I’m stuck inside all day anyway, there should be an update before the end of the night. Unfortunately, my Criterion Collection edition of Terry Gilliam’s Brazil somehow made it here today, so I might end up watching that. Or I might get a touch of cabin fever and kill someone. If that happens, don’t expect any updates for a long, long time.

    Welcome to yet another installment of Fun With Search Engines. For anyone who’s just joining us, Fun With Search Engines is a weekly segment where I discuss some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. Why? Because I think it’s fun. This FWSE report is for the week of November 27th through December 3rd. As always, these are all real search queries. And here we go:

1. don’t fuck the ducktales – That’s sound advice. I wouldn’t fuck the DuckTales. Most of them were guys and those that weren’t were either too young (Webby), too old (Ma Beagle, Mrs. Beakley) or worthless fucking immigrants (Magica De Spell). Oh yeah, AND THEY WERE ALL DUCKS.

2. kara beth borden/naked pictures – Yeah, the whole porn thing isn’t happening. Instead, you get these:

David Ludwig Sucks
David Ludwig Sucks #2
David Ludwig Sucks #3
David Ludwig Sucks #4

I made these a while ago and being the asshole that I am, I posted them on the blogs on David’s MySpace. Unfortunately, one of his jabroni friends took control of the MySpace and changed it completely, so if you want to see Ludwig’s MySpace and his two blogs, you’ll have to find a mirror somewhere.

3. spaces of dragons – After Googling this term myself, I came to an awful realization: this person was looking for species of dragons and had no idea how to spell or pronounce the word. Western society is at a critical low when even D&D nerds can’t fucking spell properly…

4. diet pepsi ingredients – It’s people! Diet Pepsi is PEEEEEEEOPLE! Since you’re too lazy and/or poor to dole out the 89 cents required to buy a 2 liter bottle, here are ingredients of Diet Pepsi: carbonated water, caramel color, aspartame, phosporic acid, potassium benzoate (preserves freshness), caffeine, citric acid, and natural flavors.

5. kristin cavalleri in hot pictures on the internet in the nude – I like how this guy specified that the pictures should be hot. If he hadn’t done that, he might have accidentally found naked pictures of her shaving her legs.

6. freeze don’t make a fucking move man – When you threaten search engines, you demonstrate that some people just don’t deserve internet access. Unless you threaten Jeeves, that snobby prick is just asking for it.

7. construction workers fucking – After a long day of drinking coffee and pretending to do road work, your average construction worker is far too tired to service his wife. You would be too if you spent all day screwing taxpayers.

And that’s the end of that chapter.

      Part 23 of the NES Drinking Saga is now up. I have to warn you though, it gets a little weird.

      And now it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly report where I make fun of or otherwise comment upon various keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. This particular report is for the week starting November 20th and ending November 26th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. monster party nes – Should not be confused with Apogee’s Monster Bash starring Johnny Dash. The sad part is that Monster Bash came out in 1993 and didn’t look noticeably better than Monster Party. Oh shareware, how you sucked.

2. mortal kombat names of the fighting girls – As opposed to what, non-fighting girls? That sounds like it should be a category at Spike TV’s lameass video game awards.

And the nominees for Best Female Character In A Non-Fighting Role are…

3. nancy everhard – Dear god… IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN!

4. a picture of the ramones that i can copy a code and paste it onto myspace – Oh my, where to begin…

1. Learn how to use Google Image Search
2. Learn how to use basic fucking HTML tags
3. The Ramones kick ass.
4. YOU SUCK AT LIFE. DIE.

5. who was the only person to be at all the first 20 wrestlemanias? – If I had to guess, I’d say it was Vincent Kennedy McMahon.

6. kara borden naked – Call up the Lancaster County courthouse, I’m sure they’ll hook you up. Or arrest you, you sick fucking douchebag.

7. jill valentine hentai – You know, when I first found out that Jill Valentine wasn’t in RE4, I was pissed. Then I actually played the game, and I didn’t care anymore.
 
 
That’s all, folks.

      So yeah, a new article is up. On Heathcliff. There will be a few show clips for download soon, so check back tomorrow. And there will be a new FWSE tomorrow too. Probably. Hopefully. Maybe.

      No, I mean it.

UPDATE: Video clips have been added

Happy Thanksgiving, unless you live in a country that doesn’t celebrate it.

      So it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines. For anyone who just found this site through Google or whatnot, it works like this: every week, I go through my site logs and see what keywords visitors to my site typed into search engines. Then I comment on them. So if you thought that your search for kiddy porn was just between you and God, you were wrong and now I have your IP. Send me money or I’ll turn your sorry ass into the feds. This FWSE report is for the week starting November 13th and ending November 19th. And so it begins:

1. kara borden myspace – Since I’m a nice guy, I’ll help you out with this one:

This is what Kara’s MySpace looked like before all the shit went down: Pic 1  Pic 2
This is what it looked like shortly after she was taken into custody.
This is what it looks like now.
Kara’s Xanga looked like this before it was taken down.
Here’s David Ludwig’s MySpace.
David’s Xanga looked like this before it was taken down.

2. words to hulk hogan’s song – Hulk Hogan is an industrious man who writes lots of songs. Well, he’s cowritten at least a dozen or so. At any rate, you’ll have to be way more specific. I know you can’t possibly mean “Real American” because only someone who’s completely pop culture illiterate wouldn’t know that his classic WWF entrance music contains those two words. I’m not saying that you have to know that’s the fucking name of it, but that would have helped too.

3. salute your shorts sponge played by – You should probably fucking learn how to use IMDB or TV.com, but the answer is Tim Eyster. Next!

4. i hate nes battletoads NES Battletoads was a gift from God. If you can’t beat it, it’s because your love for Jesus isn’t strong enough.

5. snk vs mortal kombat clips – No such game exists. Not only that, but no such game could *ever* exist, because the MK characters are fucking hardcore and the SNK characters are all limp-wristed sissies. Seriously, SNK VS Capcom would be a great fighting series if it wasn’t for all the SNK guys.

6. michael jackson online music bad – This could have several meanings. I’ll let you choose your own.

7. kara beth borden nude pics – I totally called this last week. Well, actually I think I said it would be kara borden naked, but it’s the same damn thing. Of course, predicting what internet fucktards will search for isn’t much harder than predicting a direct-to-video Jean-Claude Van Damme will suck goat balls. It’s pretty much a sure thing. But anyway, she’s fourteen. Come on, guys. Although, if Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire taught me anything, it’s that David and Kara’s relationship wasn’t really inappropriate. If it’s OK for 14-year-old Hermione Granger to have a relationship with 18-year-old Victor Krum, then Kara and David were just livin’ the dream. That’s what J.K. Rowling is teaching our children. Well, YOUR children because I don’t have any yet. And by your children, I mean people who found this page by accident.
 
 
And that’s it. I should have at least one new article up by the end of the week. The one I’m working on right now is another cartoon… I won’t spoil the surprise as to which one though.

      Over the last four or five days, I’ve been somewhat obsessed with the story of Kara Beth Borden and David Ludwig. For anyone who hasn’t been watching the news or reading my forums, it goes something like this:

14-year-old Kara Borden was secretly dating 18-year-old David Ludwig, and the two were quite possibly having sexual relations. On Sunday, November 13th, Borden’s parents discovered that Kara had lied to them about going to a sleepover at friend’s house the previous night and had actually spent the night with Ludwig. So Michael and Catheryn Borden called Ludwig over to their Lititz, PA home sometime Sunday, presumably to tell him that he couldn’t see their daughter anymore. Ludwig apparently didn’t like this idea, because he shot and killed both of them, grabbed Kara, and sped off in his car. The two were taken into custody 28 hours later on Monday afternoon, 20 miles west of Indianapolis on Monday, after a car chase ended in a crash. Ludwig was arrested and Kara was returned to her family. David Ludwig is currently being charged with the double murder, kidnapping, and reckless endangerment. Statutory rape will inevitably be thrown on there as well. Ludwig has reportedly been very calm and cooperative since his arrest. Currently, police do not believe that Kara Borden was a willing participant in murder of her parents. She is said to be in a total state of shock, confusion, and horror.

So, as you can see, the whole thing is pretty horrible. Unfortunately, that didn’t stop me from making a totally inappropriate comic about the situation. Sorry, I can’t help it.

      Welcome once again to Fun With Search Engines, the weekly report where I show you some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into Yahoo and other search engines. This FWSE report covers the week of November 6th – November 12th. Here it comes:

1. i’m not anyone lyrics sammy davis jr – You know, when I saw this, I was confused. I didn’t remember mentioning Sammy Davis Jr. at all. But I did. Did I also order an orchestra, possibly while stoned? No, that was Cypress Hill. If you want to know where Sammy’s name appears on the site, you can look it up yourself…

2. kristin cavalleri naked – Although it is too early to say for sure, I predict that in another week or so the searches for Kristin Cavallari porn will be replaced with searches for Kara Borden porn. That’s what the Vegas bookies are telling me anyway.

3. see free fatalities screenshots for mk2 – What, is someone charging for them? If so, what are the profit margins? This idea mildly intrigues me… Wait, no it doesn’t. Charging people for screenshots is even more retarded than charging people to use your forums. And I can’t think of a single popular site that does something as greedy and disingenuous as that.

4. why are there no super mario roms? – In attempt to feign legitimacy, big ROM sites such as ROM-World have decided that to take down games at the request of their manufacturers. The result is that it is now slightly more difficult to find the old games you’d actually WANT to play like Mega Man and Legend of Zelda. If you’re not totally inept, you’ll still be able to find these games with a little more digging. If not, you can still play the millions upon millions of crappy rom hacks of the classics. Super Nakio Brothers, anyone?

5. my daughter is fucking ablack dude – The obvious joke to make here would have been that if ablack were an actual word, that My Daughter Is Fucking Ablack Dude could be a porn site. As it turns out, it actually *is* a porn site and a mediocre one at that.

6. soccer difficult trivia questions – This search came from Ireland, a country where’s the actually such a thing as an easy soccer trivia question. Here in American, all soccer questions are hard because no one watches the damn thing. Of course, I thought soccer is generally called football in Europe. You know who I blame? Fucking emigrants, that’s who.

7. super mario land roms – I’m all for retrogaming, but Super Mario Land is not worth your time. It’s also not worth $2 of your hard earned cash, yet EB Games will charge you $9.99 for a used copy of it. Assholes.
 
 
Well, that’s it. Tune in next week for more random shit.

      So Sony has apparently decided to pull its bullshit rootikit software. So that’s nice. Unfortunately, there’s no word on if they’re also going to amend their EULA. Also, a new comic is up. Enjoy.

      Welcome to another edition of Fun With Search Engines, the weekly report where I comment on some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed in search engines. As always, these are all real searchs. This FWSE report is for the week starting 10/30/05 and ending 11/05/05.

1. 3 dominatrixes is at least two too many. Plus it’s expensive. Instead of hiring three chicks with whips to bring you pleasure through pain, why not hire one chick to flog you with a cat o’ nine tails instead? You have to think economically.

2. mortal kombat/fatality – If you’re using slashes in your search queries, you’re doing something wrong. Well, unless you’re looking for information on Guns N’ Roses, Slash’s Bluesball, Slash’s Snakepit, or Velvet Revolver. You weren’t, so you suck.

3. fucking soaring – Apparently, My Whomp ‘Em article is currently the #1 result for this search on Google. This particular search came through Google France and fuck if I know why some Frenchy would search for fucking soaring unless he or she was snorting blow with an American friend.

4. could stallone beat the shit out of arnold? – Hell no. And he probably wouldn’t ever try, because they’re friends. But when I typed in this search myself, I found this: The Arnold Dreams Database. It’s interesting to say the least.

5. Monster Part NES Bosses – I can still remember what a huge fucking struggle it was to get Google to even notice my site existed. And now, SydLexia.com articles can be found on Google a few days after they go up on my site. It’s not quite as fast as MSN, but it’s better than Yahoo.

6. Mega Man 5 weakness of Master Robots – It sincerely irritates me that there are people out there who play video games and haven’t fucking heard of GameFAQs. It also irritates me that people look the shit up. Half of the fun is figuring out the weaknesses ON YOUR OWN. Christ.

7. mixing uppers and downers – Seriously? It’s a good idea, do it. As many of them as you can at once.

DISCLAIMER: SydLexia.com is a not a health site and no medical advice we offer should be considered valid.

And on that note, I’m done. If my lawyer calls, I’m not answering.

      Recently, the internet has been abuzz with Sony’s questionable digital rights management program and a rootkit it installs that is incredibly intrusive and can’t be uninstalled. Another issue that came to light in the last couple days was Sony’s equally offensive end-user license agreement for any digital copies that you make of the songs on a CD that you purchased from them. It’s an important issue, but it can be confusing for anyone who doesn’t really follow the whole digital rights debate. So, let me break it down into the simplest of terms:
 

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

      It’s that time again. The time when I realize, to my horror, that’s it’s Friday and I still haven’t posted a Fun With Search Engines report for the last week. As so here it is, the FWSE that covers 10/23/05 through 10/29/05. In case you’ve forgotten, Fun WIth Search Engines is a recurring segment where I show you some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. Let’s see how it goes:

1. do you have what it takes to rescue the president hes been kidnapped by ninjas – Sadly, I don’t. If I did, I obviously go for it because rescuing the president pretty much automatically gets you a Presidential Medal of Honor and I could score mad chicks with that. Mad chicks.

2. you can’t do that one television – Yeah, you’ve gotta fuck at least two televisions. And if you don’t, bad things are gonna happen. Like in Videodrome.

3. worst nintendo tattoo ever – As one of the biggest proponents of Nintendo that you will ever meet, I feel highly qualified to answer this question. What’s the worst Nintendo tattoo ever? ALL OF THEM, YOU STUPID FUCK!

4. quiz and dragons questions – I don’t think I ever expected to get a QAD-related search. But that’s cool.

5. fire flame man and freeze guy – Hey guy, next time you do a web search, you should trying being a little LESS specific. Readers, see if you can guess which one of my articles came up as a result of this search. HINT: It’s the Mega Man one.

6. bombman hudson – Hudson made BombERman. There’s a difference. Bombman was actually a boss from Capcom’s first Mega Man game. But let’s focus on the Hudson character for a minute:
 

      On the left, you see Bomberman as he appeared on the cover of the booklet for his NES game. On the right is Bomberman as he appeared in Bomberman 64. The original Bomberman design looks suspiciously like Samus Aran. Or perhaps Hudson travelled into the future and ripped off Halo’s Master Chief. The second option seems like a stretch though. Not because time travel is impossible, mind you, but because Master Chief isn’t worth ripping off. Personally, I like the new Bomberman design better. Sure, he pulls weapons of mass destruction out of his ass, but he’s just *so* adorable. Just look at him. You know damn well that even if he killed your entire family, you couldn’t stay mad at him.

7. princess peach porn – I have an alliteration fetish, so I’d love to see some Princes Peach porn. I’d also like to see rappers rudely rape Rapunzel rectally and sexy Swedish sluts suck seven studs’ semen. Or not.

Well, that was fairly stupid. But now it’s over. Rejoice.

      Well, SydLexia.com has officially been around for one whole year. It’s been a pretty exciting year too. The domain learned to walk, said its first words, and even learned to use the potty all by itself. I couldn’t be more proud of it. If you also enjoy SydLexia.com, be sure check out my retrospective on its first year. And if you don’t, you can read this piece instead.

      It’s time yet again for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly report where I reveal some of the keywords that visitors to this site typed into search engines. This edition of FWSE covers the week starting 10/16/05 and ending 10/22/05. As always, these are in fact real searches and not just some bullshit that I made up.

1. make a livejournal color bar – These things aren’t just stupid, they’re also stupidly easy to make. If you can’t figure out how to make your fucking “John Mayer Is Love” color bar all by yourself, you don’t deserve the pleasure of wallowing in its utter retardness. Go fuck yourself.

2. super mario allstars rom – Fuck that shit. Play the original versions.

3. failed sodas – Aside from Rock Hudson’s Semen-o-rama, I can’t really think of any.

4. batman theme bedrooms – Sadly, I never had Batman sheets. I did have Masters of the Universe sheets at one point though. Those were pretty awesome. If I could get my hands on some old school Batman sheets, I’d use them in a second. But none of this Batman Begins shit because sleeping with Christian Bale is totally gay.

5. jessica simpsons farts – I hate farts, but I really fucking hate fart jokes. And I hate FWSE for making me use the word fart four times in close proximity of each other.

6. how to use tonfa – Step 1: Place the tonfa in your hands. Step 2: Hit people with them. Repeat Step 2 as necessary.

7. bubble bobble costume – You know, Bubble Bobble kicked at least sixteen specific types of ass. So for a second there, I considered the possibility that a Bub or Bob costume might be cool. Then I realized something: IT WOULDN’T. I don’t care how dorky your friends are, because if you go to a costume party dressed as a Bubble Bobble character, you’re gonna get your ass beat. Even if said party has a video game theme. In that case, you’re gonna get your ass beat by Rastan and Eddy Gordo.

      That’s enough stupidity for this week. Tune in next week for FWSE #40: Nothing But Kristin Cavallari. Peace out.

Advanced copies of early reports suggest that Part 22 of the NES Drinking Saga may be up on the Comics page. As both webmaster of SydLexia.com and author of the webcomic in question, I can neither confirm or deny this information.

      So I’m back once again with yet another installment of Fun With Search Engines. For those as of yet uninitiated, Fun With Search Engines is a weekly report where I chronicle various keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. These keywords generally range from stupid to boring to porn to illegal porn. This FWSE report is for the week beginning October 9th and ending October 15th. As always, these are all real searches. And by real, I mean that I didn’t make them up. I can’t guarantee that rowdy fans didn’t intentionally plant them.

1. wizards and warriors nes tips – Seeing as you get infinite continues, the only real tip you need is this: don’t give up.

2. ryu spinning kick sounds weird – Compared to what?

3. post short skirts japanese schoolgirls – Did you really need specify short skirts? Have you ever seen Japanese schoolgirls in any other type of skirts? I mean really. There’s always at least a foot of space between the knee and skirt.

4. duck and longevity – What the fuck? No wait, nevermind. I don’t care.

5. download wwf randy savage theme song – You’re kidding, right? As most non-retards who have heard Randy Savage’s entrance music know, the song is called Pomp And Circumstance. They fucking play it every high school graduation ceremony and there’s probably about 1,000 places where you could download it. But not here, so fuck off.

6. clouds that throw koopas in Super Mario – You’re either playing a hack or you don’t know shit about Mario. There are no clouds that throw koopas. There is however, Lakitu, an evil son of a bitch who flies around in a magic cloud throwing Spinies at Mario. Below you can see what Lakitu looked like in SMB1. He’s evolved over the years as graphic capabilities have gotten better, but the basic design is still the same.

7. nintendo zelda tips – Ooh, sorry. This site only hosts tips for Wand of Gamelon, the Zelda game for the Phillips CD-i machine.

So that’s that. If that didn’t entertain you, the latest comic probably won’t either. Read it anyway.

      Guess what? I fucking hate two-way calling. If you’re unfamiliar with two-way calling, it’s an annoying cell phone service that essentially turns your phone into a walkie-talkie, with every message being preceded by an annoying beep. It’s a stupid idea, but since most companies that offer this service offer it as a freebie, people insist on using it. So instead of cutting into your daytime minutes, you can talk for an unlimited amount to someone else who has the same service provider as you for free. The problem with this is that the vast majority of people who use two-way have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO FUCKING SAY. So now, anytime I’m waiting in line at the supermarket, browsing at Best Buy, or in any other public place, I can hear both sides of some retard’s dumbass conversation instead of just one. They usually go something like this:

Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) Hey, where you at?
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) I’m in the line at the supermarket.
Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) What?
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) I’m in the line at the supermarket.
Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) Ha ha, whatchoo doing there?
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) Getting my mom some stuff.
Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) What?
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) Getting my mom some stuff.
Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) Get me some Doritos.
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) I’m already in line.
Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) C’mon! Get me some Doritos.
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) Get your own damn Doritos.
Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) Whatchoo doing tonight?
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) Dunno.
Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) Movies?
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) I dunno, what’s playing?
Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) Dunno.
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) Get the paper.
Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) Huh?
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) Get out the newspaper and check the damn movie listings.
Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) All right, how about Into The Blue?
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) What’s it about?
Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) Jessica Alba. And it has the cop from the Fast and the Furious movies.
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) Hell yeah!
Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) What?
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) I said hell yeah!

      Every goddam day, I hear shit like this. I’m not trying to eavesdrop, but that loud fucking beep really draws your attention to the phone. It’s like listening to a fucking IM conversation, only it’s worse because one of the parties ends up repeating some asinine remark louder because his punkass friend didn’t hear it. I don’t understand why people are so enamored with this shit. Remember your 8th birthday? Remember that set of walkie-talkies you got? Remember how you decided they were totally gay after a week? Well now it’s ten years later and you’re doing the same stupid kiddie shit on your $200 cell phone. Grow the fuck up.

      Welcome once again to Fun With Search Engines, the weekly report where I show you some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. This FWSE report is for the week starting October 2nd and ending October 8th. As always, I have not made any of these up. There’s no NEED to make them up because humans are awful.

1. mario bros fuck princess peach porn – First of all, no! Bad! Secondly, only Mario gets to bone Princess Peach. Luigi is a total scrub and there’s no way Mario would let him get in on some Eiffel Tower action.

2. horrible shit – Sorry, my site’s content is only mildly offensive. If you’re looking for the Death By Bukkake Rape-a-thon, look elsewhere.

3. public fucked – While I’m sure it has no shortage of nooks and crannies into which one could stuff his dick, you can’t really fuck Publix because a supermarket is an inanimate object.

4. free kitana hentai mileena – I’m sick of talking about hentai, so here’s an unreasonably childish diatribe about why Ted Kennedy is worse than Hitler instead.

5. what does conor obrest do in his spare time? – Your mom. And then he totally brags about it to God.

6. can you make heroin from standard sugar? I forget – This is almost definitely a plant, but it’s still hilarious.

7. is stephen coletti dead – Of course not. Here something I’ve learned: don’t wish death upon celebrities because it always backfires. No one who deserves to die ever does… it always ends up being Cliff Burton, Princess Di, or Brandon Lee instead of Rosie O’Donnell.

And we’re done. Oh, and Part 21 of The NES Drinking Saga is up.