Kirby and a new friend battle amateur photography and text-resistant backgrounds in the exciting seventh installment of The NES Drinking Saga.

The Name: FWSE
The Game: I select various search queries that brought people to my site and comment on them.
The Week: 4/10/05 – 04/16/05
Starting Time: Now
 

1. mr.big midi – Did someone want a “To Be With You” ringtone? Too bad, the only Mr. Big on my site is the Moonwalker villain.

2. bowser haiku – I have no idea what this person was trying to find, but Bowser, King of the Koopas, wrote a haiku in the SNES classic Super Mario RPG. It went like this:

Like the moon over
The day, My genius and brawn
Are lost on these fools

My Bowser Haiku isn’t much better.

3. nintendo adventure island how to save the game – Only a few Nintendo games actually allowed you to save. An unusual feature like that was generally reserved for RPG games such as Legend of Zelda, Crystalis, Dragon Warrior and Final Fantasy. Other games such as Faxandu, Metroid and Mega Man 3 gave you those goddam passcodes. Adventure Island had neither function; you were expected to beat the game in one sitting. That, or you were expected to buy Game Genie and warp like a motherfucker.

4. michael jackson penis – NO. BAD! BAD! BAD!

5. wooden robot build – What the fuck is the point? The ones made out of metal and plastic aren’t quite fragile enough for you? Wooden robots are only cool when they’re fictional, like Mokujin and Woodman. Wait, those guys suck too.

6. badass nickname -A nickname isn’t fucking badass if you give it to yourself, especially if you have to go searching online for idea. Here are some nickname suggestions for any other dipshits who decided to go Googling badass nickname:

Manimal
Thugg Poser
Girlhitter
I’m 13 And I Need A Cool Name For Counter-Strike Cuz I Get Killed First When I Call Myself Yu-Gi-Oh
Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday

7. doug basham wrestler pictures – Congratulations, you like one of the most boring people in the entire world. If that’s really what you want to do with your life, I can’t stop you.

That’s all I’ve got for right now. Tune in later in the week for a new article, a new chapter in the NES Drinking Saga, and Part II of the Mortal Kombat article.

I’m currently working on both Part II of the MK article as well as Article 23. Article 23 will probably be done first.

I also did a few quick updates to older articles:

      The Adventure Island feature now has a link to a terrible quiz.
      The Ten Weirdest Arnold Movie Moments now includes my favorite Last Action Hero clip.
      Schindler’s List II now has an audio trailer.

That’s it for now.

      As I sat down to do the FWSE for 4/03 – 4/09, I decided now would be as a good a time as any to explain how it works. Each day, I get a series of site reports in PNG, HTML, and text format. The PNGs are the easiest to read but are the detailed whereas the text file that logs daily site access is a lot more complete but largelt innavigable. So, every day I get a pie chart titled searchq.png that lists a decent amount of the queries people who visited SydLexia.com typed into search engines. The charts look like this:

      Above is a pie chart of search queries that brought people to SydLexia.com on 04/06/05. As you can see, it only gives you the top 10 search queries that brought people to the site that day and then the rest fall into the “Other” category. It’s not perfect, but it gives me a good idea as to how many people found the site through search engines that day. To see what the other searches were, I open up a companion HTML file and I get this. You are seeing exactly what I see every morning, right down to the broken image placeholder. Sometimes there are some many search queries that they’re not all listed in the HTML file either. When that happens, that report also gives me a tally of how many queries aren’t listed. Unless I’m really nored, I generally don’t go searching the access log to see which ones weren’t listed. OK, enough learning. Now onto FWSE 14, my most half-assed one yet!

1. are you afraid of the dark makes the barrel lighter – Does it? Does it REALLY?

2. video de november rain – I took about 6 years of French, mais je ne parle pas français très bien. Zut alors!

3. jacko on his backo snl – If you thought I was above highlighting a search query that appeared in the previously featured pie chart, you were wrong.

4. puzzle fighter 2 final boss – That would be Akuma and his drop pattern is ridiculous. Read a goddam FAQ. That, or suck less at video games.

5. fat bald guy snk – Oh, like that narrows it down. You’re a douchebag.

6. play super mario game with real people – When I was ten, I promised myself if I ever became rich that I would build a life-size replica of Super Mario Bros. Level 1-1 on a soundstage somewhere. There wouldn’t be any enemies and the “bottomless” pits would be 10 feet deep and heavily padded, but it would still be badass. Since I don’t forsee myself having frivolous amounts of money any time soon, you’ll have to settle for Pac-Manhattan.

7. girl wrestlers in hot shorts – First of all, I believe they’re called hot pants, not hot shorts. Secondly, this is the fucking internet. Search for some hardcore porn and be done with it.

And that’s the end of the chapter.

Part I of my overambitious 22nd article is now up. It’s about Mortal Kombat.

      Another week has gone by, so it’s time for yet another FWSE report. Here are just some of the search engines queries that brought people to my site between 3/27/05 and 04/02/05:

1. rilo kiley budnick – Actually, it’s Pinskey who’s in Rilo Kiley. That’s all I have to say about that; not every Salute Your Shorts reference needs to turn into a cheap plug for the Donkeylips petition.

2. van halen fucking eddie money on a gigantic pile of money – This was an obvious April Fools’ Day joke, but it was too funny not to print. Props go out to cybersst for creating such an incomprehensibly bizarre phrase using only words found in my Smash TV article.

3. timekillers.com – this comes up almost every day and I have no fucking clue why. It happened before that web address appeared anywhere on SydLexia.com, but publishing the phrase in my FWSE report certainly hasn’t helped things. The second article that I wrote for the site was on the game Time Killers, but that’s two words and it doesn’t fucking end in dotcom. The weirdest part is that there is no timekillers.com, it redirects to some Swedish page. I would guess that either someone is messing with me or it’s a bot. In the unlikely case that someone out there is looking for a way to kill time, there’s always Zombo.com. Fuck, I mean read my site.

4. schiavo kombat -fate – I have no idea what in the hell that is supposed to mean, but I assure you that it was a real search from 04/02.

5. smb:the fall of luigi – This person was looking for this or a sequel to it. If the aforementioned person had used Yahoo, it would have been the #1 result. Instead, Person X used Google where it didn’t even make the first page of results. SydLexia.com did though. Thank you, Google. Your terrible page ranking system has generated more than a few hits for this site.

6. plot of twins 100 words arnold schwarzenegger devito – That sounds like something I could do. So here it is, Twins in 100 words: Twins is about two fraternal twins, Vincent and Julius Benedict who were separated at birth. Julius lived on an island for most of his life and he has an accent because he was raised by a foreign scientist. Eventually he grows weary of islandry and goes to America to find Vincent. Julius knows many things, such as the rules for dealing with a crisis situation, but he is very naïve when it comes to the real world. A lot of things happen in the movie and then it ends. I give Twins three and a half out of five stars.

7. nancy everhard – I’ve been trying to ignore this one because it’s already been mentioned in several FWSE reports. In fact, the only time that Nancy Everhard has ever been mentioned on my site is in FWSE reports. Recently, one of my best friends confessed to being part of a conspiracy of indeterminate size that is bent on slowly driving me insane by making Everhard come up in the daily site reports that I get. Well met.

8. preteens fucking – The week wouldn’t be complete without some random sicko visiting my site by accident. If your IP is 69.148.24.45, then with any luck the FBI is kicking down your goddam door right now. Have a nice day.

      Well, that’s that. It’s getting harder and harder to do these. In the early days when I had very little content, I got very few visitors through search engines and most of them were oddball searches. These days there are more searches for me to sift through and most of them are pretty straightforward. Those people out there searching for alasdair gillis and smb2 enemies are my target audience. Still, I have no plans of stopping FWSE in the forseeable future. That’s it for now. I’m off to think about whether or not I really want to drink the bottle of soda featured in the latest comic.

      The vagina dentata, that’s what. Or maybe Kirby. NES Drinking Saga, Part VI is now completed. I also added an NDS archive so that newer visitors to the site don’t have to search for the older comics. Just click on Comics under Links and you’re there.

      From director Michael Bay and the producers of Over The Top comes Schindler’s List II: Out For Justice!!! Bob Schindler is a simple man who loves his family. When his son-in-law and a gang of evil federal judges kill his daughter, Bob doesn’t get mad, he gets EVEN! Watch out, Michael Schiavo, this is one list that no one’s checking twice! Schindler’s List II – because EVERYONE has the right to die. This film is not yet rated.

      MEDIA – Click here to hear the trailer read by a 5th grader.
 

      Well, Wrestlemania 21 came and went and it wasn’t horrible like I expected it would be. In fact, Shawn Michaels vs. Kurt Angle was spectacular and most of the other matches were pretty watchable. On top of that, Triple H finally lost the damn title. However, I still stand by comments that I made in my Wrestlemania article. The last several Wrestlemanias, particularly the much-hyped WM20, were total fucking trainwrecks. Aside from a few Rock vs. Hogan matches, they were almost entirely unredeemable. And while guys like Simon Dean and Carlito are hilarious, a significant portion of the WWE roster is still made up of unmarketable douchebags like Shelton Benjamin, Maven, Rene Dupree, and the Basham brothers. In the old days, there were plenty of guys who sucked ass, but at least they had hilarious gimmicks such as Bastion Booger and Isaac Yankem, DDS. Orlando Jones, on the other hand, has NOTHING. The other big thing is that it was rather disingenuous for the WWE to parade out Hulk Hogan, Rowdy Roddy Piper, and Stone Cold Steve Austin at WM21 when it’s highly unlikely that any of those guys will return to the company on a full-time basis.

      Word on the street is that I wrote an article about Wrestlemania. Personally, I believe this rumor. In it, I cover three classic Wrestlemania main events, so go read it. If you hold your end of the bargain and read the article, there just might be some old Slim Jim commercials in it for you.

For no apparent reason, you get NES Drinking Saga, Part V only two days after Part IV went up. Maybe you’ll even get another one before next week, but I doubt it. I still have an article to finish.

It seems like only half a week ago that I did FWSE 11… because it was. I had a good reason though: I needed an excuse to use that delicious chocolate cross on my site. So here’s FWSE 12, which goes from March 20 through March 26. Once again, these are all actual keywords that people who found my site typed in search engines. Let’s do this:

1. preteens fucking – And we’re off to great start, huh? Apparently March 23rd was National Degenerate Fuckhead Day because I got hits from four different IPs looking for this shit. Some sicko at 69.61.152.59 searched using some engine I’ve never even heard of called Zuvio. Two slightly more brazen fuckers, one at 70.57.160.205 and one at 64.12.117.11, used MSN in an attempt to indulge their indefensible interests. Finally some moron at 65.65.194.175 used Yahoo for a similiar search. This is fucking weak. The ACLU would have you believe that typing keywords like that into a search engine doesn’t make you a criminal; they’re wrong. People who enjoy that shit should have their genitalia cut off and stuffed in their mouths.

2. popples c64 – We’ve gone from one form of child abuse to another. The Popples’ Commodore 64 game was absolutely horrific. It contained all the fun of an activity book, only with a lot less pages, colors, and FUN. I can’t honestly imagine that any kid enjoyed it.

3. rodimus prime an asshole – There’s nothing I could really add to that… except maybe a verb. Rodimus Prime was an asshole. ‘Nuff said.

4. mk fatalities – Congratulations, you have successfully identified that Mortal Kombat has fatalities. What about it? You want sceenshots of them? You want to know how to do them? Which MK game are you even looking for info on? For everything you could ever want to know about any Mortal Kombat, I recommend GameFAQs. Well, unless you want screenshots. I also highly recommend Mortal Kombat: Deception, as I have been spending some time playing that when I should have been working on the site.

5. disney mickey mouse pornos – So this is what it’s come to… visitors to my site include pedophiles and morons looking for pictures of Donald Duck hate-railing Minnie. Fan-fucking-tastic. I hope they at least told their friends about the site.

6. sly and arnie playtime – Seen it. Not that funny. Naked Doris Roberts is wrong on soooo many levels.

7. marjorie silcoff – Other YCDOTV cast members that SydLexia.com visitors searched for this week were Doug Ptolemy, Lisa Ruddy, Vanessa Lindores, and Christine McGlade. Alanis Morrissette and Adam Reid got snubbed. Big time.

And that’s the end of the chapter. In other news, the pics on my World 9 page for SMB2 weren’t displaying properly and no one bothered to tell me. I probably should have figured it out on my own, but come on. My e-mail address is only on the site about a million times. Someone could have told me. In any case, they work now.

My fraudulent web comic has been on more hiatuses than the average FOX fall series, but NES Drinking Saga, Part IV is now live. Unlike network executives, I’m able to at least pretend that I know what I’m doing.

Meaningless milestone alert! The twentieth SydLexia.com article is up. Of course, if you’ve been to the main page then you already know that. This one is on Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker. This is a review of the Sega arcade game, not the movie or the Sega Genesis game. If I had more free time, I would have done all three in one mega review. Unfortunately I don’t, so I just picked one of them. I’m not going to explain why I picked the arcade game… I’m not on trial here. In any case, enjoy.

      It’s time for the eleventh episode of FWSE. For those keeping track at home, it’s only the eleventh when you go by airdate, not production code. This report includes search queries that were used to access SydLexia.com between 3/13 and 3/19.

1. donkeylips – More people search for Donkeylips than you might think. If everyone who searched for info about him and/or Salute Your Shorts signed the petition, we could cure cancer. And by cure cancer, I mean get Michael Bower work.

2. princess leilani – An odd search indeed. Princess Leilani was the least memorable thing about Adventure Island. Hell, she didn’t even really exist… Master Higgins rescued that bitch Tina instead.

3. red sonya screenshots – Since I put up the Arnold article, I’ve been getting a surprising number of Red Sonya-related hits. I would attribute it to Brigitte Nielsen’s new show Strange Love, but half of the searches involve Schwarzenegger. It was one of Arnold’s more obscure movies, maybe that’s why people are searching for info on it.

4. axl blaze adam – Who are characters from the Streets of Rage series? Those also might be the names of the current Guns N’ Roses line-up. I’ve lost track of who is in the band besides Axl.

5. capcom vs fucking everything – Capcom has definitely gone too far with the VS series. The VS. Marvel games were pretty cool… not so much with the VS. SNK ones. Here’s some Good Friday trivia for you: recent evidence suggests that it was Dr. Wily’s master robots, not the Jews, who killed Jesus. It is also been speculated that Pontius Pilate may have in fact been Protoman.

6. ramones bonzo goes to bitburg – The meaning of “Bonzo Goes To Bitburg” is that Joey Ramone is a tool. Still, it’s a catchy song, it was in both Airheads and School of Rock, and when you get down to it, The Ramones still rock.

7. tomahawkman – Find something better to do with your time than search for the shittiest Megaman villain ever. Thanks for the hit though.

      So there it is, a belated Good Friday FWSE. As a bonus, enjoy the the candy cross above. It’s a profound statement on the modern clash between religion and commercialism. Or something. That’s all I have to say for now. Like Arnold in The 6th Day, I might be back.

So… Terry Schiavo, Terry Schiavo, who’s got the Terry Schiavo? Every time I turn on the TV, someone is talking about the whole Schiavo thing. I haven’t addressed this issue because:

a) there’s no easy solution nor is there a moral high ground
b) it has nothing to with pop culture from the 80s or early 90s

However since I could use some hits, I’m gonna be an asshole and reference it. If I were a true asshole, I would have done this earlier in the week or last week. But I’m not. So what do I have to say about this issue? Absolutely nothing. But guess who does? The Ultimate Warrior. As a self-proclaimed pop culture analyst, I feel that no one is more qualified to address this complex and somewhat troubling issue than a roided-out 80s wrestler with a reputation for being hard to work with and mentally unstable.

SydLexia.com does not endorse or condemn the views expressed by The Ultimate Warrior.

      Goddam, that’s a big X! It’s there to signify that this is indeed the 10th installment of FWSE. That’s like two Rocky Vs combined! Wait… that’s not a good thing. Anyway, here are some of the search queries that brought people to my site between 3/06 and 3/12:

1. blaze fielding video game chicks – As I’m sure anyone reading this has learned by now, search queries aren’t exactly private. Thus, the phrase “video game chicks” probably isn’t something you should be typing into search engines. It’s more than a little sad. That being said, I have toyed with the idea of doing a feature on the best female video game characters. Lists like that are a bitch to put together though. After all, I haven’t played every game ever made (or even one Tomb Raider). Lists like that generally take a team of three or four people to assemble.

2. cat people 1982 movie screenshots – I do enjoy cheesy horror movies from the 80s. If I were to review one though Cat People would definitely not be my first choice… I’d go with Creepshow, Cat’s Eye, or Trick Or Treat. This also raises an important searching tip that a lot of people don’t seem to know about. If you want to look up a specific phrase, put quotes around it. Cat and people are both very common words, but “cat people” is much less common phrase, especially when combined with movie, 1982, and screenshots.

3. animated sabertooth tiger gifs – Yeah… sabertooth tigers went extinct a long time ago. Like thousands of years ago on the BC side of history. Good luck with that.

4. snowballs – Someone apparently found my Commodore Christmas Crapfest using the Finnish version of Google. Snowball is a pretty common word, and I didn’t see my site anywhere in the first ten pages, so this person must have had a ridiculous amount of patience.

5. nancy everhard – I wish I was joking. Stop with the friggin’ Nancy Everhard already!

6. zeke salute your shorts played by – It was Ug. He didn’t do a very good job disguising his voice in the nightmare sequences, plus there was an actual part in that episode where Ug dresses up as Zeke The Plumber to scare Budnick and it was the same damn costume. Come on.

7. red sonya arnie – Interesting someone would look up Arnie instead of Arnold and/or Schwarzenegger. Lazy typist I guess.

      And there you have it. The searches seem to be getting stupider and stupider. That, or maybe I’m getting more cynical. Since this is tenth FWSE, I though I’d so something special. OK, it’s not that special. But as a bonus, here are some of the search queries from the week that I didn’t feel like commenting on:

www.timekillers.com
geki retsu
commando screenshots schwarzenegger
ryu screenshot sf2
syd & nancy subtitles
streetsofrage
steven tyler’s wife cheating?
sydlexia
megaman villains
michael bowers salute your shorts
donkeylips from salute your shorts
awful waffle salute your shorts
bobby budnick
voltron gas guns

For the second time in about a month, I got hit with a nasty cold. Last week sucked… When I wasn’t working at my actual job, I spent my time sleeping and drinking green tea and ginger ale. Now I’m two articles behind schedule. This is not cool.

I’m back for another round of FWSE, and I’m fresh out of movie subtitles to rip off. So instead, you get yet another Crue reference. This time it’s for the week starting 2/27 and ending 3/26. Let’s see how it goes:

1. what strength but don’t forget there are many guys like you all over the world – An obvious and unnecessarily long Street Fighter 1 search. In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t review terrible games. I wouldn’t advocate playing SF1, so I don’t why I’d recommend reading about it. However, I do actively endorse Revolution X and Bad Dudes. Despite sucking goat dick, the original Street Fighter brings in decent traffic.

2. trey anastasio heroin – I think heroin was more of a Jerry Garcia thing. Even though Trey is a huge Grateful Dead fan, I’m pretty sure he’s smart enough to not to follow Jerry to the grave. Still, you’d probably have no trouble scoring some brownstone at a Phish show if they hadn’t disbanded in 2004.

3. mobile attack strike kommand downloads – So very, very close. It’s armored not attack. But hey, my site still came up.

4. senator working in the nigeria congress – For fuck’s sake, it’s a scam! I feel bad that someone had to use Google to find that out. Oh well. I guess I’ll link to the SydLexia.com mailbag again.

5. beat up fat kid – Wait… WHAT? You shouldn’t need instructions to beat up a fat kid. Also, you probably shouldn’t beat up fat kids; you never know who might go Klebold & Harris on your ass in high school. Besides, it’s too easy. Like killing babies.

6. actual body count in commando movie – The exact body count is impossible to calculate. At one point, Arnold blows up barracks with an indeterminate number of soldiers in them. However, It’s safe to say that Colonel John Matrix kills well over a hundred guerillas.

7. plantman gary young video – NO! BAD! Why the fuck would you want to see this video or hear this song? There’s a fucking reason that they ran this tripe on Beavis & Butthead. I suppose you want to see the Jill Sobule video for “I Kissed A Girl” too? Ugh…

The Crue kicked ass. Of course, I probably bought way too much merchandise. I am going to try and start using the digital camera a lot more extensively, because it’s fun. However, the NES Drinking Saga will definitely revert back to its 8-bit form at some point.