It’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, where I report some of the queries that were typed into search engines by people who viewed my site. This report is for 1/16 – 1/22. This was kind of a slow week but I’ve already started typing, so fuck it. And we’re off…
1. adventure island instruction booklet – The Adventure Island instruction booklet is one of the most incredibly useless documents ever printed. As I discussed in my review of the game, the instruction booklet offers little information on playing the game and even less backstory. But if you just *have* to experience its horribleness for yourself, Vimm’s Lair is probably your best bet. They have full scans of many NES booklets in PDF format.
2. what sabertooth tiger eats – I feel mildly bad that some 3rd grader doing a report on prehistoric times might have accidentally stumbled onto my site, since SydLexia.com is highly inappropriate for little children. I would feel worse, but it’s not my fucking fault; parents should not let preteens use the internet unfiltered or unsupervised.
3. mobile armored strike kommand -m.a.s.k. – Not only does MASK totally fucking rule, but I also did an article on it. Score.
4. are you afraid of the dark kiki betty ann gary – Every week, the Are You Afraid Of The Dark? article brings visitors to the site. This week is no exception.
Well, that’s it. Sorry it’s not more exciting. See you next time.
Fuck. There’s like two feet of snow on the ground here and fuck if I’m gonna shovel it.
Also, a Motley Crue article went up on the main page like a day or two ago if you’re interested. And you damn well better be.
As a visitor to my site, there is very little chance that you will ever get an Error 500 message. But if you ever did, this is what you would probably see unless the fuck-up was really, really bad:
Persons attempting to link to images on this site will instead get this image. You are free to download my images and rehost them elsewhere, but no direct linking. Sorry guys. The goods news is that this will not include blog pics.
Now it’s time for the third installment of my totally fucking pointless weekly search query report. Here are some of the searches that brought people to my site between 1/09 and 1/15. How do I know? I have magic fucking powers, OK? Or maybe I have site access logs. Unfortunately, there’s nothing particularly hilarious this week.
1. the deathstone – As it turns out, there are other deathstones besides the MASK one. For instance, there was a 1989 movie called The Demonstone that was released in some countries as The Deathstone. It starred R. Lee Ermey, a man who has based his entire on his one big role as the drill sergeant in Full Metal Jacket. It also starred some chick named Nancy Everhard. I thought only male porn stars had that last name. Hmmm… maybe Nancy is a transvestite. Whoever did the search was probably looking for information on this shitty movie, but instead they found information on a cheesy cartoon. Too bad.
2. voltron 3d episode transcripts – What the fuck is this? I hope to God there aren’t any transcripts of Voltron online and not just because of my general disinterest with fighting cat robots. Seriously, what possible need could anyone have for a transcript of an 80s action cartoon? These things weren’t exactly well written. I love G.I. Joe and Transformers but if someone has actually taken the time to transcribe 22 minutes of unmemorable lines like “Destro, you’ve failed me again!” or “Autobots, transform!” then I want to find him and stab him. If for some reason you feel the need to transcribe cartoons, do South Park, Powerpuff Girls, The Simpsons or any other cartoon that’s actually worth quoting.
3. 90s nickelodeon programs – I’ve said it before, but I get a lot of visitors looking for Nickelodeon stuff. Some more specific searches this week included Welcome Freshmen and Grimm’s Fairy Tale Classics, both of which are briefly mentioned in the Are You Afraid of the Dark? article. I love this shit, so I’ll definitely write about more of it as it becomes available for me to capture.
4. november rain meaning – Aside from Axl Rose or maybe Del James, no one can tell you definitively what the November Rain video means. I gave it a shot though.
So this week’s article didn’t go up til Friday. Sorry about that. What can I say? Things don’t always work out the way I want. Random shit happened in my personal life this week, such as having to attend a wake and a funeral, so that kinda screwed up my schedule.
There was apparently a problem with the Time Killers article where the pictures weren’t loading correctly in some browsers. I guess that’s what happens when I code half of it in Microsoft Word. Damn, that was a bad idea. Anyway, it is fixed.
However, I should warn those of you using Firefox that the pictures in all of the video game articles should have alternate text when you mouse over them. Mozilla doesn’t seem to do this, at least not in my experience.
I am absolutely fascinated by this. Every morning my web host’s server logs various statistics for my site. It includes which pages were accessed, how many times each page was accessed, IPs, and a few other things. My favorite by far is search queries. The site actually tells me what keywords were used in searches to find my site and some of them are fucking weird. Let’s go to the video tape…
Here are some queries from 1/05, I swear to God I am not making this shit up:
1. crapfest – Well, you sure found one. It doesn’t get much crappier or more festive than this.
2. what can you put into a… your really taken it out? – Hmmm… that sounds like an excerpt from the Ken Starr report. It would appear that the grammatically challenged asshole that typed in this brilliant search ended up on the second page of my Are You Afraid of the Dark? feature.
3. piano mtvs laguna beach – I always feel slightly guilty when my anti-MTV rants bring poor clueless sheep to my site. Then I remember that MTV is *supposed* to be about MUSIC but it isn’t anymore. Then I don’t give a fuck.
Here are some from 1/06:
1. lock the cellar door – This person could have been fucking looking for anything from song lyrics to ghost stories to accident prevention. In any case, they found my Poison page. Interesting enough, when the search is done as a string and not four individual words, I’m currently the #2 result on Yahoo. Score.
2. what can you see with the… the barrel gets lighter – Well, it looks like I’m gaining a strong foothold with the stoned idiot demographic. That’s cool, in a way. But it also hurts my brain. Why the hell would anyone type a riddle into a search engine, especially one that everyone knows the fucking answer to? This search brought another visitor to my Are You Afraid of the Dark? page.
3. the midnight society gary – Goddam, people love those old Nickelodeon shows. Maybe it’s time for a Salute Your Shorts feature. I’m the #1 result for this search on Google right now, with TV Tome directly below me. Fuck you, TV Tome.
The 7th was a slow day, so we’ll finish up with 1/08:
1. orange ninjas – Bad Dudes. It never ceases to amaze me what keywords people use. Then again, I’ve been there myself, huddled over a computer in a dorm room at 2 AM, drunk as hell, while my drunken friends shouted out random things for me to type into Yahoo. That’s called effective time management. I’m all about pleasing the masses, so here’s my Orange Ninja haiku.
2. music video november rain – A satisfied customer, I hope.
3. hammering harry nes – Three relevant searches in one day!? It’s like my own personal Christmas, only without any of the things that make Christmas cool. And no, I’m not gonna link to the Hammerin’ Harry article. I’ve done enough shameless linking and they’re all on the main page anyway.
That’s all for now. I’m still not entirely sure what the next feature will be or when it will be up. On the plus side, I now have some adjunct staff who will contribute from time to time. Fuck if I know when though.
By process of elimination, this week’s article will go up this evening. Sorry for the delays. I’ll try to have next week’s article up a lot quicker…. I just need to figure out what it is.
In recent weeks, there’s been a proliferation of annoying commercials trying to get people to buy custom ringtones. What the fuck? These companies must be selling this shit to someone. If you’re one of those people who just *has* to have a ringtone that says “Yeaaaaah boooooooy! Pick up the phone!” then I have an exciting deal for you. If you can find your way to SydLexia.com headquarters, I will stab you in your fucking face free of charge. Choose from one of three amazing knives: pocket knife, switchblade, or carving knife. You will have to sign a legal waiver, of course.
I have an offer for the rest of you too. If you bring a high-ranking executive from one of these ringtone companies to my lair, I will give you $5 and an official SydLexia.com 2×4. You must bring proof that the person does indeed work for one of these ringtone companies and you MUST keep that fucking idiot both alive and unharmed.