It seems like only half a week ago that I did FWSE 11… because it was. I had a good reason though: I needed an excuse to use that delicious chocolate cross on my site. So here’s FWSE 12, which goes from March 20 through March 26. Once again, these are all actual keywords that people who found my site typed in search engines. Let’s do this:
1. preteens fucking – And we’re off to great start, huh? Apparently March 23rd was National Degenerate Fuckhead Day because I got hits from four different IPs looking for this shit. Some sicko at 22.214.171.124 searched using some engine I’ve never even heard of called Zuvio. Two slightly more brazen fuckers, one at 126.96.36.199 and one at 188.8.131.52, used MSN in an attempt to indulge their indefensible interests. Finally some moron at 184.108.40.206 used Yahoo for a similiar search. This is fucking weak. The ACLU would have you believe that typing keywords like that into a search engine doesn’t make you a criminal; they’re wrong. People who enjoy that shit should have their genitalia cut off and stuffed in their mouths.
2. popples c64 – We’ve gone from one form of child abuse to another. The Popples’ Commodore 64 game was absolutely horrific. It contained all the fun of an activity book, only with a lot less pages, colors, and FUN. I can’t honestly imagine that any kid enjoyed it.
3. rodimus prime an asshole – There’s nothing I could really add to that… except maybe a verb. Rodimus Prime was an asshole. ‘Nuff said.
4. mk fatalities – Congratulations, you have successfully identified that Mortal Kombat has fatalities. What about it? You want sceenshots of them? You want to know how to do them? Which MK game are you even looking for info on? For everything you could ever want to know about any Mortal Kombat, I recommend GameFAQs. Well, unless you want screenshots. I also highly recommend Mortal Kombat: Deception, as I have been spending some time playing that when I should have been working on the site.
5. disney mickey mouse pornos – So this is what it’s come to… visitors to my site include pedophiles and morons looking for pictures of Donald Duck hate-railing Minnie. Fan-fucking-tastic. I hope they at least told their friends about the site.
6. sly and arnie playtime – Seen it. Not that funny. Naked Doris Roberts is wrong on soooo many levels.
7. marjorie silcoff – Other YCDOTV cast members that SydLexia.com visitors searched for this week were Doug Ptolemy, Lisa Ruddy, Vanessa Lindores, and Christine McGlade. Alanis Morrissette and Adam Reid got snubbed. Big time.
And that’s the end of the chapter. In other news, the pics on my World 9 page for SMB2 weren’t displaying properly and no one bothered to tell me. I probably should have figured it out on my own, but come on. My e-mail address is only on the site about a million times. Someone could have told me. In any case, they work now.
Meaningless milestone alert! The twentieth SydLexia.com article is up. Of course, if you’ve been to the main page then you already know that. This one is on Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker. This is a review of the Sega arcade game, not the movie or the Sega Genesis game. If I had more free time, I would have done all three in one mega review. Unfortunately I don’t, so I just picked one of them. I’m not going to explain why I picked the arcade game… I’m not on trial here. In any case, enjoy.
It’s time for the eleventh episode of FWSE. For those keeping track at home, it’s only the eleventh when you go by airdate, not production code. This report includes search queries that were used to access SydLexia.com between 3/13 and 3/19.
1. donkeylips – More people search for Donkeylips than you might think. If everyone who searched for info about him and/or Salute Your Shorts signed the petition, we could cure cancer. And by cure cancer, I mean get Michael Bower work.
2. princess leilani – An odd search indeed. Princess Leilani was the least memorable thing about Adventure Island. Hell, she didn’t even really exist… Master Higgins rescued that bitch Tina instead.
3. red sonya screenshots – Since I put up the Arnold article, I’ve been getting a surprising number of Red Sonya-related hits. I would attribute it to Brigitte Nielsen’s new show Strange Love, but half of the searches involve Schwarzenegger. It was one of Arnold’s more obscure movies, maybe that’s why people are searching for info on it.
4. axl blaze adam – Who are characters from the Streets of Rage series? Those also might be the names of the current Guns N’ Roses line-up. I’ve lost track of who is in the band besides Axl.
5. capcom vs fucking everything – Capcom has definitely gone too far with the VS series. The VS. Marvel games were pretty cool… not so much with the VS. SNK ones. Here’s some Good Friday trivia for you: recent evidence suggests that it was Dr. Wily’s master robots, not the Jews, who killed Jesus. It is also been speculated that Pontius Pilate may have in fact been Protoman.
6. ramones bonzo goes to bitburg – The meaning of “Bonzo Goes To Bitburg” is that Joey Ramone is a tool. Still, it’s a catchy song, it was in both Airheads and School of Rock, and when you get down to it, The Ramones still rock.
7. tomahawkman – Find something better to do with your time than search for the shittiest Megaman villain ever. Thanks for the hit though.
So there it is, a belated Good Friday FWSE. As a bonus, enjoy the the candy cross above. It’s a profound statement on the modern clash between religion and commercialism. Or something. That’s all I have to say for now. Like Arnold in The 6th Day, I might be back.
So… Terry Schiavo, Terry Schiavo, who’s got the Terry Schiavo? Every time I turn on the TV, someone is talking about the whole Schiavo thing. I haven’t addressed this issue because:
a) there’s no easy solution nor is there a moral high ground
b) it has nothing to with pop culture from the 80s or early 90s
However since I could use some hits, I’m gonna be an asshole and reference it. If I were a true asshole, I would have done this earlier in the week or last week. But I’m not. So what do I have to say about this issue? Absolutely nothing. But guess who does? The Ultimate Warrior. As a self-proclaimed pop culture analyst, I feel that no one is more qualified to address this complex and somewhat troubling issue than a roided-out 80s wrestler with a reputation for being hard to work with and mentally unstable.
SydLexia.com does not endorse or condemn the views expressed by The Ultimate Warrior.
Goddam, that’s a big X! It’s there to signify that this is indeed the 10th installment of FWSE. That’s like two Rocky Vs combined! Wait… that’s not a good thing. Anyway, here are some of the search queries that brought people to my site between 3/06 and 3/12:
1. blaze fielding video game chicks – As I’m sure anyone reading this has learned by now, search queries aren’t exactly private. Thus, the phrase “video game chicks” probably isn’t something you should be typing into search engines. It’s more than a little sad. That being said, I have toyed with the idea of doing a feature on the best female video game characters. Lists like that are a bitch to put together though. After all, I haven’t played every game ever made (or even one Tomb Raider). Lists like that generally take a team of three or four people to assemble.
2. cat people 1982 movie screenshots – I do enjoy cheesy horror movies from the 80s. If I were to review one though Cat People would definitely not be my first choice… I’d go with Creepshow, Cat’s Eye, or Trick Or Treat. This also raises an important searching tip that a lot of people don’t seem to know about. If you want to look up a specific phrase, put quotes around it. Cat and people are both very common words, but “cat people” is much less common phrase, especially when combined with movie, 1982, and screenshots.
3. animated sabertooth tiger gifs – Yeah… sabertooth tigers went extinct a long time ago. Like thousands of years ago on the BC side of history. Good luck with that.
4. snowballs – Someone apparently found my Commodore Christmas Crapfest using the Finnish version of Google. Snowball is a pretty common word, and I didn’t see my site anywhere in the first ten pages, so this person must have had a ridiculous amount of patience.
5. nancy everhard – I wish I was joking. Stop with the friggin’ Nancy Everhard already!
6. zeke salute your shorts played by – It was Ug. He didn’t do a very good job disguising his voice in the nightmare sequences, plus there was an actual part in that episode where Ug dresses up as Zeke The Plumber to scare Budnick and it was the same damn costume. Come on.
7. red sonya arnie – Interesting someone would look up Arnie instead of Arnold and/or Schwarzenegger. Lazy typist I guess.
And there you have it. The searches seem to be getting stupider and stupider. That, or maybe I’m getting more cynical. Since this is tenth FWSE, I though I’d so something special. OK, it’s not that special. But as a bonus, here are some of the search queries from the week that I didn’t feel like commenting on:
commando screenshots schwarzenegger
ryu screenshot sf2
syd & nancy subtitles
steven tyler’s wife cheating?
michael bowers salute your shorts
donkeylips from salute your shorts
awful waffle salute your shorts
voltron gas guns
For the second time in about a month, I got hit with a nasty cold. Last week sucked… When I wasn’t working at my actual job, I spent my time sleeping and drinking green tea and ginger ale. Now I’m two articles behind schedule. This is not cool.
I’m back for another round of FWSE, and I’m fresh out of movie subtitles to rip off. So instead, you get yet another Crue reference. This time it’s for the week starting 2/27 and ending 3/26. Let’s see how it goes:
1. what strength but don’t forget there are many guys like you all over the world – An obvious and unnecessarily long Street Fighter 1 search. In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t review terrible games. I wouldn’t advocate playing SF1, so I don’t why I’d recommend reading about it. However, I do actively endorse Revolution X and Bad Dudes. Despite sucking goat dick, the original Street Fighter brings in decent traffic.
2. trey anastasio heroin – I think heroin was more of a Jerry Garcia thing. Even though Trey is a huge Grateful Dead fan, I’m pretty sure he’s smart enough to not to follow Jerry to the grave. Still, you’d probably have no trouble scoring some brownstone at a Phish show if they hadn’t disbanded in 2004.
3. mobile attack strike kommand downloads – So very, very close. It’s armored not attack. But hey, my site still came up.
4. senator working in the nigeria congress – For fuck’s sake, it’s a scam! I feel bad that someone had to use Google to find that out. Oh well. I guess I’ll link to the SydLexia.com mailbag again.
5. beat up fat kid – Wait… WHAT? You shouldn’t need instructions to beat up a fat kid. Also, you probably shouldn’t beat up fat kids; you never know who might go Klebold & Harris on your ass in high school. Besides, it’s too easy. Like killing babies.
6. actual body count in commando movie – The exact body count is impossible to calculate. At one point, Arnold blows up barracks with an indeterminate number of soldiers in them. However, It’s safe to say that Colonel John Matrix kills well over a hundred guerillas.
7. plantman gary young video – NO! BAD! Why the fuck would you want to see this video or hear this song? There’s a fucking reason that they ran this tripe on Beavis & Butthead. I suppose you want to see the Jill Sobule video for “I Kissed A Girl” too? Ugh…
The Crue kicked ass. Of course, I probably bought way too much merchandise. I am going to try and start using the digital camera a lot more extensively, because it’s fun. However, the NES Drinking Saga will definitely revert back to its 8-bit form at some point.
This is the weekly search engine report for 2/20 through 2/26. Once again, these are actual queries that people who visited my site typed into Yahoo, Google, MSN, and whatever other search engines the kids are using these days. Remember AltaVista? Of course you don’t.
1. arcade game with a fight fat bald guy – Well, that could be almost any arcade game. Hell, it could even be Pac-Man; those ghosts didn’t have any fucking hair. I actually sympathize with this person. I too have typed vague searches into various engines in the hopes of finding the name of some video game or cartoon that I can only barely remember. Unfortunately, it never worked for me. I only found the names of Karateka and SuperTed by sheer coincidence. I hope this person had better luck than I did. I also hope that it wasn’t fucking Karnov.
2. marvel vs capcom 3 – There will probably never be a Marvel vs. Capcom 3, but there will be another dozen Capcom vs. SNK games. Too bad that Capcom vs. SNK is teh suck. The only Capcom/SNK collaboration that I would be interested in playing is Mega Man vs. Metal Slug. Now THAT would be interesting. If anyone out there wants to ever see an MVC3, write angry letters to Marvel Comic’s corporate office and tell them that they’re douchebags. That should work; assholes in suits love being told that they’re wrong and often cave in to public pressure. Oh wait, they have no accountability to the public… I guess we’re fucked. Whatever you do, leave Stan Lee out of this. Sure, kidnapping the old man and holding him hostage would be very easy. The only problem is that the Marvel corporation doesn’t give a shit about Stan Lee.
3. nancy everhard – For the last month or so, I have been getting two or three Nancy Everhard queries a week. What the fuck? Take a look at heracting career. Aside from a few guest appearance, she has never been in anything worth watching. I just don’t get it.
4. penelope miller drink schwarzenegger – I guess I’ll never know for sure what the hell this person was trying to find. I can be pretty confident it wasn’t my Weirdest Arnold Movie Moments though.
5. santa’s grotty christmas – Christmas was 2 months ago, why are you looking this up now? The twenty minutes that I spent playing this game were some of the most excrutiatingly painful minutes of my life. I had tried to block that game out of my mind, but the memories have resurfaced. Thanks a lot, asshole.
6. fucking preteens – AGAIN!? This is the second fucking time this has happened. This search came from the IP 220.127.116.11. Someone please track this asshole down and slit his goddam throat.
7. adventure island quiller – If you know that one of the enemies in Adventure Island is named quiller, then you probably know enough about the game that you didn’t need to Google it. Oh well, I’ll gladly take the hit.
And we’re done. If I keep more hits from sick fucks, I just might have to become a vigilante. If I die in the process, please don’t let them cast Christian Bale or Neil Patrick Harris as me in the big screen adaptation of my story.
Sorry about the recent lack of updates. I’ve been sick all week. I’ll have some new shit up soon, hopefully Saturday afternoon. If it’s not up by then, I’m afraid you won’t see anything until Monday. I’m going to a Motley Crue concert on Saturday night and I’ll be recovering on Sunday. In any case, I’m going to work twice as hard next week to make up for all the slacking that occurred this week.