This is the weekly search engine report for 2/20 through 2/26. Once again, these are actual queries that people who visited my site typed into Yahoo, Google, MSN, and whatever other search engines the kids are using these days. Remember AltaVista? Of course you don’t.

1. arcade game with a fight fat bald guy – Well, that could be almost any arcade game. Hell, it could even be Pac-Man; those ghosts didn’t have any fucking hair. I actually sympathize with this person. I too have typed vague searches into various engines in the hopes of finding the name of some video game or cartoon that I can only barely remember. Unfortunately, it never worked for me. I only found the names of Karateka and SuperTed by sheer coincidence. I hope this person had better luck than I did. I also hope that it wasn’t fucking Karnov.

2. marvel vs capcom 3 – There will probably never be a Marvel vs. Capcom 3, but there will be another dozen Capcom vs. SNK games. Too bad that Capcom vs. SNK is teh suck. The only Capcom/SNK collaboration that I would be interested in playing is Mega Man vs. Metal Slug. Now THAT would be interesting. If anyone out there wants to ever see an MVC3, write angry letters to Marvel Comic’s corporate office and tell them that they’re douchebags. That should work; assholes in suits love being told that they’re wrong and often cave in to public pressure. Oh wait, they have no accountability to the public… I guess we’re fucked. Whatever you do, leave Stan Lee out of this. Sure, kidnapping the old man and holding him hostage would be very easy. The only problem is that the Marvel corporation doesn’t give a shit about Stan Lee.

3. nancy everhard – For the last month or so, I have been getting two or three Nancy Everhard queries a week. What the fuck? Take a look at heracting career. Aside from a few guest appearance, she has never been in anything worth watching. I just don’t get it.

4. penelope miller drink schwarzenegger – I guess I’ll never know for sure what the hell this person was trying to find. I can be pretty confident it wasn’t my Weirdest Arnold Movie Moments though.

5. santa’s grotty christmas – Christmas was 2 months ago, why are you looking this up now? The twenty minutes that I spent playing this game were some of the most excrutiatingly painful minutes of my life. I had tried to block that game out of my mind, but the memories have resurfaced. Thanks a lot, asshole.

6. fucking preteens – AGAIN!? This is the second fucking time this has happened. This search came from the IP 206.116.226.2. Someone please track this asshole down and slit his goddam throat.

7. adventure island quiller – If you know that one of the enemies in Adventure Island is named quiller, then you probably know enough about the game that you didn’t need to Google it. Oh well, I’ll gladly take the hit.

 
      And we’re done. If I keep more hits from sick fucks, I just might have to become a vigilante. If I die in the process, please don’t let them cast Christian Bale or Neil Patrick Harris as me in the big screen adaptation of my story.