Archive for June, 2005
June 29, 2005 – 8:00 PM by Syd Lexia

      A new article is up, this time on Capcom’s Quiz & Dragons. I know exactly what I want to do for the next article, so hopefully I’ll have it up by the end of tomorrow. Maybe not though. Being able to conceptualize what I want to do doesn’t always quickly translate into a well-written article.

      Even if Quiz & Dragons doesn’t interest you, you can at least take my Quiz & Dragons Trivia Challenge. You damn well better take it. Please? If that STILL doesn’t suit your fancy, then you can watch drunken college kids destroy an N64 controller. With a power drill.

June 25, 2005 – 2:41 PM by Syd Lexia

      This news is about a week old, which is forever in internet time, but I figured I’d throw it out there anyway because I’m still annoyed about it. Jennifer Wilbanks, the stupid bitch who faked her own disappearance when she didn’t want to get married, sold the rights to her story. There’s going to be a TV movie about her retarded shenanigans. My question is this: WHO IN THE FUCK IS GOING TO WATCH THAT TV MOVIE? It’s not a particularly compelling or entertaining story and it’s certainly not worthy of 60-120 minutes of your time; this woman is no Lorena Bobbitt. Hell, she’s not even on par with Amy Fisher. I can sum up the whole story in one graphic:

      Fuck off and die, you stupid bitch. I can think of about 1,000 people who deserve a TV deal more than you. Like for instance, Alex Winter. Or me.

June 24, 2005 – 11:58 PM by Syd Lexia

…and I’m back for Fun With Search Engines #24. In this very special half-assed edition, we’ll be taking a look at search queries from 6/12 through 6/18. As always, these are real keywords that visitors to typed into search engines. FWSE should not be taken internally. If ingested, immediately flush your system with water and consult a physician or poison control.

1. pepsi blue failed – Yes it did. It even failed in Japan, where people love weird shit and bright colors, so that should give you an indication of just how badly it failed.

2. what does michael jacksons kids look like? – A better question is this: is our children learning? Clearly not, if this passes for grammar. Verb-noun agreementL learn it, love it, use it.

3. dragaon games – Every once in a while, FWSE helps me catch a typo. For example, Tip 10 in the NES Game Packs article was listed as “Double Dragaon”, which is pretty embarrassing. I could have just changed it and denied it ever happened, but I don’t do things that way.

4. blaze fielding from streets of rage is fucking hot – Yeah, I guess. I think someone’s had too much G4, where “too much” is defined as more than five minutes.

5. hulk hogan sucks – No, YOU suck.

6. antique potato head shoesantique and potato head do not belong in the same sentence. Ever.

7. vincent price iron maiden – It never happened. The spoken intro to “The Number of the Beast” is just a reasonable facsimile therof.

And that’s that. I know that kinda sucked and I’m sorry. FWSE keeps getting harder and harder to do.

      So I logged onto my old AOL account this morning to check my mail. AOL always finds new ways to disappoint me. While their spam filter has gotten noticeably better, they got rid of newsgroup support a few months ago. That really pissed me off. When I logged on today, I was greeted by this graphic:

      While this did remind me that I’m fucked because I still need to get my dad a Father’s Day present, I could help but feel like the dad in that graphic looked familiar. Then I realized why: it’s Professor Utonium from Powerpuff Girls:

      The style of AOL graphic looks a lot more like Genndy Tartakovsky’s Samurai Jack style than Craig McCracken’s PPGs. But since Genndy was the art director for Powerpuff Girls and since he isn’t doing anything right now, I have no doubt in my mind that AOL Time Warner has locked the poor bastard in a basement somewhere and forced him to design and draw their lameass welcome screen graphics. The media conglomerate does own Cartoon Network and they are pretty evil, so I’m almost positive I’m right.

      In conclusion, fuck AOL. At least when I misuse other people’s classic characters, I make it fun.

June 17, 2005 – 4:25 PM by Syd Lexia

Yes, it is once again time for FWSE, a site feature which is always weird and sometimes entertaining, where I report on select keywords that actual visitors to the typed into search engines. This report spotlights various keywords that were used between 6/5/05 and 6/11/05.

1. girls gone wild commercials uncut – Yeah, so Chris Elliot just called. He said you need to get a life. He also wants you to sign as many online petitions are you so that Get A Life gets released on DVD. Now regardless of whether or not you liked his TV show, I strongly suggest you take his first bit of advice.

2. cheap priced freddy claws – With a gardening glove, some skewers, a pair of pliers and some rudimentary sewing skills, you can make you very own Freddy claw for $20. Whether you want to terrorize your own Elm Street or just kill one particular douchebag, this is a fun and economical way to do. Besides, killing is always more fun when you made the weapon yourself. Just ask Teddy Kaczynski.

3. how to do brutalities in ultimate mortal kombat 3 arcade version – You can’t and why the fuck would you want to? Brutalities suck.

4. dead or alive xtreme beach volleyball porn – Fuck Dead Or Alive, fuck the DOA volleyball game, fuck softcore porn, fuck Tecmo, and fuck whoever searched for this.

5. birthday for mortal kombat character sub zero – As I stated once or twice in the past, it would seem that stoned idiots that type random shit into search engines account for the silent majority of the 300-500 hits that I’ve been averaging daily. I don’t understand why any rational person would care what a video game character’s exact age or DOB is. If you can’t estimate a character’s age by looking at him or her, then the programmers didn’t do a very good job making the game. Giving characters a fixed age is a bad idea, since characters rarely age and video games rarely take place in specific years; classic video game characters like Mario, Sonic, and Pac-Man are timeless. But if we know that Jill Valentine was X years old in 1999, that makes it awfully hard for Capcom to reuse her 20 or 30 years down the line. Besides, why would I ever give a fuck that Voldo from Soul Calibur is in his 50s? The only thing worse than making up DOBs for video game characters is giving them BLOOD TYPES. If you are honestly interested in whether or not Nina Williams could receive a successful transfusion from Jim Kazama, you really ought to kill yourself. I recommend vodka and painkillers. If it was good enough for the lovely Miss Elizabeth, it’s good enough for your stupid ass.

But going back to the subject of imaginary anniversaries, I hereby decree that December 11 shall henceforth be Sub-Zero’s Birthday (Observed). Also, October 20th is now officially Rex Manning Day.

6. michael jackson video gangsters – That’s sounds a lot like the “Smooth Criminal” segment from Moonwalker, not to mention every level of both Moonwalker video games.

7. hentai show iv warcraft 3 – I don’t know what this means and I have no intention of finding out. Sometimes innocence is bliss.

Well, that’s all for now. Who wants to bet that this week’s article will be late? Recent history and the Vegas bookies are on your side.

June 14, 2005 – 10:08 PM by Syd Lexia

The following message has been paid for by Randy Savage, Randy Savage, and Randy Savage:

      Oh yeeeeeeeeeeah! This is the Macho Man coming atcha in triple vision! I’m here to tell you not to read Syd’s latest article on Hulk Hogan’s “Hulk Rules” CD. Hulk Hogan is a punk and his album is like piss in a sink. If you want to listen to REAL music, buy my CD instead. It’s called “Be A Man” and it will snap your mind. Oh yeeeeeeeeeeah!

June 13, 2005 – 6:29 PM by Syd Lexia

      Forget about two in the pink and one in the stink, Michael Jackson was found innocent on all counts today. Let’s face it though, this verdict didn’t change anyone’s opinion of the guy. People who thought he was guilty before the verdict still think he’s guilty now. Sure, their beliefs haven’t been validated by the law, but celebrity trials lost a whole lot of credibility when OJ got acquitted. It doesn’t really matter anyway, regardless of what he did or didn’t do, “Smooth Criminal”, “Beat It”, and “Billie Jean” are still kickass songs.

      Hey, while you’re busy celebrating or mourning the verdict, why not reflect on this landmark pop culture event by reading (or re-reading) my article on Sega’s Moonwalker arcade game?


June 11, 2005 – 4:40 PM by Syd Lexia

      The bad news is that my router stopped working today and I have no idea why. Until I get it fixed, it’s going to be a pain to update the site, especially since the main computer on the network doesn’t have a reliable FTP client or read CDRs. Hopefully this won’t last too long or impede me too much, but we’ll see.

      The good news is that my current Alexa rank is 385,888 and rising. I’m well on my way to the top 100,000. And then we dance.

June 8, 2005 – 3:31 PM by Syd Lexia

      Yes, it is time once again for Fun With Search Engines. As always, these are real keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. This FWSE report covers the week starting May 29th and ending June 4th. Why do I do this report? I don’t know, but hopefully it will distract you while I finish proofreading the Caveman Ninja article and adding picture captions. So… are you distracted yet?

1. proof of michael jacksons weirdness – Is that hard to use an apostrophe? IS IT!? I swear to God, the internet has made people dumber. I was perusing the other day and it’s interesting to seeing how fifteen-year-olds with 1.8 GPAs think words are spelled. Their misguided attempts to define recently invented sexual positions would be hilarious if they weren’t so fucking pathetic. For example, one boy thought that the word disturbed was spelled desterbed. This wouldn’t be so bad, except there’s a fucking band called Disturbed who are pretty popular with the Hot Topic crowd. Even if all this douchebag listened to was 50 Cent and Ludacris, it’s a safe bet that he’s seen Disturbed shirts on multiple occasions. Hey asshole, maybe if you learned to read, you’d eventually learn how to spell too. In any case, I shouldn’t be complaining about the lack of apostrophes; I am currently in the top five results on MSN, Yahoo, and Google for “proof of michael jacksons weirdness”. Too bad it’s not a popular search term.

2. arcade game where you can cut off players arms with chainsaw – Again with the apostrophe. In any case, the game is Time Killers and the guy with the chainsaw is Rancid.

3. screenshots of reptile in mk1 – Imagine Scorpion, only green. LOOK TO LA LUNA.

4. brontosaurus t shirt vintage – I don’t know what it means, I don’t want to know what it means, let’s ignore it and hope it goes away. Dinosaur t-shirts aren’t cool, even though I owned one.

5. porn passcodes – This is a new one. Interesting. And sad.

6. mtv longest video jeremy – I have no idea what the longest video ever produced for MTV was, but it certainly wasn’t Pearl Jam’s “Jeremy”. Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” is easily the longest piece that ever aired on MTV, but Thriller is more like a short film than an actual music video. If we disqualify it on those grounds, then the GN’R video “Estranged” is probably the longest video that ran on MTV, clocking in at 9 minutes and 39 seconds.

7. guns and rose moment for ever and ever and other – I have no what this means or if it is even really GN’R related, but since it came through Google Mexico I will assume it was a valiant attempt at English. That having been said, how fucking hard it to spell Guns N’ Roses? You start with a capital G, throw in a lowercase u, n, and s and then it gets tricky. You have a capital N followed by an apostrophe () and a capital R, and a lowercase o, s, e, and s. Guns N’ Roses. Is that fucking difficult? NO.

And we’re done. Have a nice day. I should have another article up by the end of Friday, it’s already planned out and everything. I made a promise to an old friend/former archrival a few weeks ago that I’d do the aforementioned article and now I’m going to fulfill that obligation. I’m not going to tell you what it’s on though, that would ruin the fun. Guess you’ll have to wait and see.

June 6, 2005 – 11:53 PM by Syd Lexia

      I am still behind on the site and for that I apologize; I’ll do my best to catch up by the end of the week. While I was going through some stuff over the weekend, I found this drawing that I did at some indeterminate point in time. If I recall, this is the story of its origin:

      One night, I was flipping channels with some friends and we caught the end of The O’Reilly Factor, the part where he reads some viewer mail and does the most ridiculous item of the day. At some point during this either the NRA, NAMBLA, or both organizations were mentioned which led to a discussion. I forget what the context was, but someone compared the NRA to NAMBLA and the point was made that the NRA isn’t predicated on an illegal activity. The NRA doesn’t promote murder or even gun usage, they simply believe that the second amendment should be interpreted in a way that allows Americans to own guns if they so desire. I immediately seized on this point and created MAGUVA: the Man-Gun Violence Association, an organization who would actively promote gun violence through literature, discussion, and fictional renderings, but never through overt example. It was essentially a gun version of NAMBLA. At that point, it was quickly decided that I’m going to Hell.

      Well, that’s the story. It’s not the most tasteless idea I’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close.

June 2, 2005 – 11:37 PM by Syd Lexia

      It is again time for Fun With Search Engines. What is FWSE? It’s a weekly report where I complain about various searches that make me want to break my computer. These are all actual keywords that random visitors to typed into search engines. Of course, if you’re reading this, you’re probably one of my loyal regulars who already knew all that. You probably could have guessed that this is search engine report is for May 22 – May 28. Enough talk, let’s rock:

1. pepsi lime commercials – The Pepsi Lime commercials are stupid and you’re stupid for searching for them. Next!

2. microsoft gears of war game plot – I actually watched some of G4’s coverage of E3 2005 and I happened to catch an interview segment with some Jamie Kennedy clone who also happened to be one of the lead designers for Gears of War. Unsurprisingly, the guy was a fucking idiot. I believe he referred to his game as “Call of Duty meets Resident Evil”. In the same interview, the guy also said that he had a short attention span and that the game was designed for like-minded people. What a fucking prick. Rather than design a game that’s innovative or even fun, this asshole created a game for people with no attention span who are easily amused by flashing cut scenes. It is morons like this who are slowly killing the gaming industry. The segment is currently On Demand as part of G4’s E3 highlight reel, so if you have a cable company that does On Demand and you’d like to see some jackass talk extensively about what a fucking tool he is, go for it.

3. super gem fighter: mini mix – is a fun game that I’d like to review eventually. I’d like to try and move away from games for a little bit though and get some TV and movies done, but that never seems to happen. I did recently commit to another CD review though, and a non-metal one at that.

4. screenshots of nudalities – What is this, 1993? There are no nudalities in ANY Mortal Kombat game. Read a goddam FAQ. There actually was one fighting game with nudalities, but it was never officially released.

5. fucking preschool kids 22 in the ass for like twenty minutes on the subway – I know for a fact that this particular search was a joke, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s disturbing as hell or that I get all sorts of REAL searches that are almost as bad.

6. are you afraid of the dark kiki – I had 8 searches for this on 5/26. Weird.

7. zelda hard fucking mario fetish – Grow the fuck up.

      This concludes FWSE #21. Either internet users are getting dumber or my patience is getting thinner. Actually, it’s probably a combination of both. Tune in next week when I just might snap.

June 1, 2005 – 11:59 PM by Syd Lexia

      Part 11 of the NES Drinking Saga is finally up. It would have gone up slightly sooner, but I lost a key accessory to one of this strip’s characters within seconds of opening his packaging. Will McFarlane toys replace it? Guess we’ll have to wait and see.

      And if you haven’t read about Nintendo Game Packs yet, feel free to do so. Actually, you might be better off staying ignorant of their existence.