It’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly report where I highlight some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. This is FWSE report covers December 24th – December 31st, which makes this the last FWSE report of 2005. Christmas and NYE are supposed to bring out the best in people but that doesn’t seem to really be the case, at least not on the internet. As you’ll soon discover, some bastards have absolutely no qualms about searching for porn on Christmas. So without further delay, I bring you Fun With Search Engines:
1. mario having sex with peach for free – Peach is a princess and therefore rich as fuck, so why would she charge money for sex? Besides, Mario has saved her ass so many times that it’s more or less implied that he gets to tap it for free.
2. are there fat samaons? – Are there any other kind?
3. fuck my christmas elf – I’m kind of at a loss here. Either this is a line from the campiest porno flick ever or the person who typed it was on crack. I’m fairly confident that it’s the latter option, but I rather hope that it’s the former. Seriously, if such a porno exists, please let me know.
4. dammit shit shit shit hell yes – Sorry, I’m not very good at identifying hip-hop songs by lyrics. Try Lyrics Crawler.
5. which level do we use the bottled faeries – It might help if you specified WHAT FUCKING GAME YOU WANTED HELP WITH. This sounds suspiciously like it’s a Neopets thing. Well you know what? Neopets is fucking gay. And now that MTV owns it, it’s just going to get worse.
6. babalities friendships and fatalities for mk2 – Try here.
7. kara borden porn – Searches for naked pics of Kara Beth Borden and Kristin Cavallari combined account for about 5% of my daily hits from search engines. That’s means there’s a lot of losers out there who are real fucking disappointed when they click through to my page. To all you perverts out there, I have three pieces of advice: First, don’t search for celebrity porn. The search engines results will rarely yield worthwhile pages and 90% of celebrity porn is fake anyway. Second, if you really want porn, learn to fucking use a P2P program. And finally, read my page. My page is way better than porn.
8. wwe sucks – Unfortunately, it really does. And it seems to keep getting worse. In recent months, we’ve seen the retirement of Chris Jericho, the death of Eddie Guerrero, and the loss of Christian. Mark my words, TNA is the future of wrestling. If they could get more TV time and better time slots, they could compete with the WWE on a serious level and force Vince McMahon to make his product worthwhile again.
9. toy batman begging – Batman doesn’t beg, motherfucker.
10. dexter’s lab hentai – You didn’t really think I’d get out of 2005 without at least one more hentai search… did you?
Well, that it’s. Hopefully 2006 will be a better year for FWSE, a year where my site visitors search for world peace and Nintendo instead of preteens fucking. God how I wish I really believed that were possible.