It is again time for Fun With Search Engines. What is FWSE? It’s a weekly report where I complain about various searches that make me want to break my computer. These are all actual keywords that random visitors to SydLexia.com typed into search engines. Of course, if you’re reading this, you’re probably one of my loyal regulars who already knew all that. You probably could have guessed that this is search engine report is for May 22 – May 28. Enough talk, let’s rock:

1. pepsi lime commercials – The Pepsi Lime commercials are stupid and you’re stupid for searching for them. Next!

2. microsoft gears of war game plot – I actually watched some of G4’s coverage of E3 2005 and I happened to catch an interview segment with some Jamie Kennedy clone who also happened to be one of the lead designers for Gears of War. Unsurprisingly, the guy was a fucking idiot. I believe he referred to his game as “Call of Duty meets Resident Evil”. In the same interview, the guy also said that he had a short attention span and that the game was designed for like-minded people. What a fucking prick. Rather than design a game that’s innovative or even fun, this asshole created a game for people with no attention span who are easily amused by flashing cut scenes. It is morons like this who are slowly killing the gaming industry. The segment is currently On Demand as part of G4’s E3 highlight reel, so if you have a cable company that does On Demand and you’d like to see some jackass talk extensively about what a fucking tool he is, go for it.

3. super gem fighter: mini mix – is a fun game that I’d like to review eventually. I’d like to try and move away from games for a little bit though and get some TV and movies done, but that never seems to happen. I did recently commit to another CD review though, and a non-metal one at that.

4. screenshots of nudalities – What is this, 1993? There are no nudalities in ANY Mortal Kombat game. Read a goddam FAQ. There actually was one fighting game with nudalities, but it was never officially released.

5. fucking preschool kids 22 in the ass for like twenty minutes on the subway – I know for a fact that this particular search was a joke, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s disturbing as hell or that I get all sorts of REAL searches that are almost as bad.

6. are you afraid of the dark kiki – I had 8 searches for this on 5/26. Weird.

7. zelda hard fucking mario fetish – Grow the fuck up.

      This concludes FWSE #21. Either internet users are getting dumber or my patience is getting thinner. Actually, it’s probably a combination of both. Tune in next week when I just might snap.

      Out of perceived obligation, FWSE is back once again with another week’s worth of searches. As always, these are actual keywords that visitors to the site typed into real search engines. Most of them were Google or Yahoo, but there are still people out there using Lycos and Alta Vista, if you can believe it. This is the search report for May 15 – May 21. Enjoy.

1. bad dudes vs dragon ninja president screenshot – As seen in the second part of my Bad Dudes article, President Ronnie looks an awful lot like Ronald Reagan. The only difference is that Real Reagan had black hair while President Ronnie is a brunette. The hair color change probably has something to do with the fact that when you first see him, he is emerging from a darkened helicopter.

2. www.nickoldeon.com – Ah yes, Nickelodeon. The first network for kids and the only network whose name is a bitch to spell. Who’s brilliant fucking idea was it to give the channel a name that most eight-year-olds can’t spell correctly? If they wanted to go with words that kids can’t spell, why not Antidisestablishmentarianism: The Network For Kids? That would have been a cool name.

3. blaze fielding hentai – Sadly enough, there’s hentai out there featuring just about every other female video game and cartoon character so there’s probably Streets of Rage hentai too. But you won’t find it here. Oops, changed my mind:

4. sly cooper hentai – In order for there to be Sly Cooper hentai, someone would have actually have had to liked those god awful games.

5. eternal champions rancid – As this person has surely learned by now, Rancid was in Time Killers, not Eternal Champions. Time Killers was sort of playable, but Eternal Champions has always sucked ass.

6. how do you get the old fashioned reptile on mortal kombat deadly alliance for x box – You don’t. According to the MK storyline, Reptile has been devolving since MK4. In Deadly Alliance, he is far too lizard-like to conceal his appearance. If Reptile returns in the seventh Mortal Kombat game, Ed Boon will probably come up with a reason to include the classic green ninja outfit.

7. loud screaming girls videos – Who in their right mind would search for this? What, are you starting a boy band and you need footage of screaming girls to splice in so that it looks like people give a shit about you? If so, you’re fucked. Boy bands are so 1999.

And that’s the end of that chapter.

There is no Mrs. Zarves. There is no 19th FWSE. Sorry.

Just kidding. You know the intro, because it rarely varies. This is the FWSE for May 8th – May 14th. As always, these are real keywords that visitors to my site typed into real search engines. Blah blah blah yackety schmackety. Here it goes.

1. history of sabertooth tigers – The first known sabertooth tiger was a personal pet of Fred Flinstone who lived during the Madeaupic Period (50,000 – 30,000 B.C.) when humans, dinosaurs, and prehistoric mammals lived together in harmony and rode around in foot-powered cars. Sadly, sabertooth tigers are now extinct. The last known sabertooth tiger died in a car accident in San Francisco on September 3, 2001.

2. pepsi blue and crystal clear pepsi failed – They didn’t really fail, they just sorta gave up. Like Woody Allen. Oddly enough, Pepsi Blue also married his adopted Korean daughter.

3. u can’t do that on television – Actually, it was called You Can’t Do That On Television. We spelled things correctly in the 80s, dammit. Well except for MC Hammer and Quiet Riot.

4. videos de november rain de aerosmith – First of all, Guns N’ Roses did “November Rain”. Secondly, good luck translating this page through Google. Since I don’t allow remoting linking of my images, the result is quite catastrophic. The translation probably sucks anyway.

5. trey anastasio heroin – This has been coming up for months. What the fuck? I’m sorry, but right now the only fish I have room for on the site are the Sharkticons.

6. umk3_fatalities – Luckily for you, search engines don’t register underscores. I’m currently one of only three sites that shows up when you search for the string “umk3 fatalities”. I doubt a lot of people search for that string, but it’s still cool.

secret plot hentai – This is apparently referring to a manga that’s actually called Secret Plot, but I have a pretty good feeling that hentai is some sort of evil plan by the Japanese. I don’t know what its ultimate goal is, but it’s probably not good.

      As it always does, FWSE has ended. See you again next week for FWSE. Hopefully it’ll go up on Monday and not Saturday.

      Welcome to FWSE, a weekly phenomenon here at SydLexia.com where I whine about how many pedophiles and hentai enthusiasts have visited my site. This is the 18th installment, but I’m going to pass on the obligatory Alice Cooper reference; you don’t even get Black ‘N Blue. This is the search report for May 1st through May 7th. As always, these are real keywords that visitors to the site typed into search engines. BEGIN!

1. white house chief of state – Currently? That would be President Bush, although rarely is he ever referred to as that. The title this person was looking for is White House Chief of Staff. Originally, I was going to rip into this person. Then I discovered I had fucked up while typing my Bad Dudes article. It’s fixed now, but Google has yet to cache the new version.

2. weirdest movie ever made – Yeah, cuz that’s easily quantifiable. I’m pretty sure the weirdest movie ever made is The Greatest Story Ever Told. Max von Sydow as Jesus, what the fuck is that? von Sydow was much more believable as the devil in Needful Things. That wasn’t the only bizarre casting choice, either. Charlton Heston as John The Baptist? Pat FUCKING Boone as the risen Jesus? Kojak as Pontius Pilate? I think John Wayne was in there somewhere too. Only one word can sum up this movie: GARRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!

3. dominatrixes and face sitting – Again, GARRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!

4. naked princess peach & princess zelda – First of all, get a life. Secondly, Zelda’s not even that hot. She wasn’t bad in the cartoon, but her officially sanctioned renderings leave much to be desired. The ranch girl in Ocarina of Time was so much prettier. But again, video game porn is fucking stupid. In fact, the only thing more retarded than video game porn is sexually provactive video games. I can say without any shred of uncertainty that Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball is the most shameful excuse for a video game that I’ve ever seen, and I’ve played Wayne’s World, Hudson Hawk, and Knight Rider.

5. book about michael jacksons pedophile – A little known fact about Michael Jackson is that he actually has a pedophile on his payroll. Billy Badtouch a is fully licensed assraper who won NAMBLA’s coveted Boyfucker Of The Year award in 1997 and 2001. The prosecution in the current Jackson trial really screwed up by failing to call this guy as a witness. I don’t know if there’s a book specifically about Michael Jackon’s pedophile, but he can be found in the Who’s Who In Child Sodomy reference book that Marquis publishes ever year.

6. 90s pop culture – What is Crystal Clear Pepsi? I’ll take Sean Connery Movie Quotes for $1000, Alex.

7. plantman marvel – Usually when a visitor comes to my site because of Plantman, it’s because they’re looking for something related to the shitty Gary Young song. On rare occasions, someone comes here looking for information on the shitty Mega Man villain featured in my article on the Robot Masters. As it turns out, there was also a Marvel Comics villain known as Plantman. Surprisingly, he’s actually really cool. Despite his obscurity, Plantman is better than Magneto, Galactus, Apocalypse, and Venom combined. Just kidding. Marvel’s Plantman sucks ass too.

      I suck at writing FWSE closings, but I still insist on doing them. This search report is over. I’ll have something better up soon.

Actually, I think it’s a magazine or something. FWSE is back for Round 17, which is a lot. It only took me three rounds to beat Mike Tyson, although it would have been harder if Lispy McPunch hadn’t kept winking at me before he did his super punching combo. So anyway, this is the FWSE report for 4/23 through 4/30. As always, these are all actual searches that people who visited SydLexia.com typed into various search engines.

1. pop culture – Could this search be any more vague? When I first saw this, I was confused. “Pop Culture” is a very broad search and there are plenty of more extensive sites than mine that should have much higher search engine rankings. In a Yahoo search, I’m not within the top 100 results for pop culture. X-Entertainment, the king of all pop culture sites, is the 99th result. So I decided to check the access logs for the site. It turns out that if you use the Hong Kong version of Yahoo, I’m the #15 result right under something called Sexual Thunder. Sweet. The fact this search came out of Hong Kong also explains why it was for such a basic English phrase.

2. donald duck getting dick suck ringtone – What in the fuck is this? No, seriously. I think I know what’s going on here. This guy (and it’s definitely is a guy) is looking a ringtone that will:

1. Make his friends laugh the first one or two times they hear it.
2. Piss off the elderly
3. Make parents cover the ears of their children
4. Get old real fucking fast

I believe the ringtone you’re actually looking for is “Tubthumping” by Chumbawumba. You’re welcome.

3. how to euthanize your cat yourself – Oddly enough, this isn’t the first time that the words euthanize and cat have appeared in an FWSE report. In fact, they appeared in the very first FWSE. As I take some time to reflect on this historic moment, here’s a repost of my original solution to the question of do-it-yourself euthanasia:

 
4. unusual random shit – I don’t normally condone search queries with shit in them, especially if they happen to be image searches. Still, unusual random shit isn’t a bad description for the site and I was the #2 result on MSN, right between Wikipedia and some bullshit Unabomber conspiracy theory. Cool?

5. dominatrixes in massachusetts – Guess again, jackass!

6. you better watch out or the insects will get you – This is a line from a song by the Kids of Widney High that I used as a caption in my Moonwalker piece. I actually didn’t realize that search engines crawled the image captions. This brings me one step closer to my dream that someone will find my site by looking up Skullfucker 3 – Sockets, Bloody Sockets.

7. mk2 fatality – The MK Fatality Extravangza was a huge undertaking, but I’m pretty happy with the way it turned out. Then again, it’s bringing in decent hits so I guess I’d still be OK with it even if it was absolute trash.

      GAME OVER.

FWSE is back once again. Here’s some of the highlights from the week starting 4/17 and ending 4/23. As always, these are real search engine queries that brought people to my site.

1. aerosmith revolution x – My first article is still one of my all-time favorites. I really wish I got more hits from people looking for Aerosmith than I did from people looking for preteens fucking.

2. hulk hogan slim jim commercial – You’re kidding, right? It was fucking Macho Man Randy Savage who did the Slim Jim commercials. You happened to get lucky and you clearly don’t deserve my site. Oh yeeeaaah!

3. mileena fucking liu kang -Disney porn and video game porn are quickly becoming one of the top queries of SydLexia.com visitors. They have yet to overtake Donkeylips and the goddam preteens, but it could happen in the near future. I don’t understand why this happens. If these fuckheads bothered to read the page excerpts that the search engines provide, they’d easily be able to tell that the MK Fatality Fest has absolutely nothing to do with Mileena fucking Liu Kang or that an Are You Afraid of the Dark article probably isn’t the best page to click on to find Hilary Duff fucking Mickey Mouse. I swear, sometimes I fucking hate this planet.

4. rambo first blood analysis and it’s plot – First of all, it’s its, not it’s. Secondly, it’s a search engine, not a magic wand. Finally, just watch the fucking movie. First Blood is a damn good movie, quite possibly Stallone’s finest hour.

5. condescending bastard – What a peculiar thing to look up. If you really need a condescending bastard though, I suggest checking the personal ads in The Village Voice.

6. www.booger.com – I have no idea why this search would lead to my site. To make things worse, Booger.com redirects to some stupidass real estate company. There’s only one person who should be allowed to own that domain name and it’s Curtis Armstrong. Fuck you, you goddam internet fat cats for taking what rightfully belongs to Robert Carradine’s lovable sidekick.

7. bad dudes jesus sin ninjas – That’s not a complete sentence or even a complete thought, but I fucking love it.

And we’re done here. You’re free to go.

The Name: FWSE
The Game: I select various search queries that brought people to my site and comment on them.
The Week: 4/10/05 – 04/16/05
Starting Time: Now
 

1. mr.big midi – Did someone want a “To Be With You” ringtone? Too bad, the only Mr. Big on my site is the Moonwalker villain.

2. bowser haiku – I have no idea what this person was trying to find, but Bowser, King of the Koopas, wrote a haiku in the SNES classic Super Mario RPG. It went like this:

Like the moon over
The day, My genius and brawn
Are lost on these fools

My Bowser Haiku isn’t much better.

3. nintendo adventure island how to save the game – Only a few Nintendo games actually allowed you to save. An unusual feature like that was generally reserved for RPG games such as Legend of Zelda, Crystalis, Dragon Warrior and Final Fantasy. Other games such as Faxandu, Metroid and Mega Man 3 gave you those goddam passcodes. Adventure Island had neither function; you were expected to beat the game in one sitting. That, or you were expected to buy Game Genie and warp like a motherfucker.

4. michael jackson penis – NO. BAD! BAD! BAD!

5. wooden robot build – What the fuck is the point? The ones made out of metal and plastic aren’t quite fragile enough for you? Wooden robots are only cool when they’re fictional, like Mokujin and Woodman. Wait, those guys suck too.

6. badass nickname -A nickname isn’t fucking badass if you give it to yourself, especially if you have to go searching online for idea. Here are some nickname suggestions for any other dipshits who decided to go Googling badass nickname:

Manimal
Thugg Poser
Girlhitter
I’m 13 And I Need A Cool Name For Counter-Strike Cuz I Get Killed First When I Call Myself Yu-Gi-Oh
Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday

7. doug basham wrestler pictures – Congratulations, you like one of the most boring people in the entire world. If that’s really what you want to do with your life, I can’t stop you.

That’s all I’ve got for right now. Tune in later in the week for a new article, a new chapter in the NES Drinking Saga, and Part II of the Mortal Kombat article.

      As I sat down to do the FWSE for 4/03 – 4/09, I decided now would be as a good a time as any to explain how it works. Each day, I get a series of site reports in PNG, HTML, and text format. The PNGs are the easiest to read but are the detailed whereas the text file that logs daily site access is a lot more complete but largelt innavigable. So, every day I get a pie chart titled searchq.png that lists a decent amount of the queries people who visited SydLexia.com typed into search engines. The charts look like this:

      Above is a pie chart of search queries that brought people to SydLexia.com on 04/06/05. As you can see, it only gives you the top 10 search queries that brought people to the site that day and then the rest fall into the “Other” category. It’s not perfect, but it gives me a good idea as to how many people found the site through search engines that day. To see what the other searches were, I open up a companion HTML file and I get this. You are seeing exactly what I see every morning, right down to the broken image placeholder. Sometimes there are some many search queries that they’re not all listed in the HTML file either. When that happens, that report also gives me a tally of how many queries aren’t listed. Unless I’m really nored, I generally don’t go searching the access log to see which ones weren’t listed. OK, enough learning. Now onto FWSE 14, my most half-assed one yet!

1. are you afraid of the dark makes the barrel lighter – Does it? Does it REALLY?

2. video de november rain – I took about 6 years of French, mais je ne parle pas français très bien. Zut alors!

3. jacko on his backo snl – If you thought I was above highlighting a search query that appeared in the previously featured pie chart, you were wrong.

4. puzzle fighter 2 final boss – That would be Akuma and his drop pattern is ridiculous. Read a goddam FAQ. That, or suck less at video games.

5. fat bald guy snk – Oh, like that narrows it down. You’re a douchebag.

6. play super mario game with real people – When I was ten, I promised myself if I ever became rich that I would build a life-size replica of Super Mario Bros. Level 1-1 on a soundstage somewhere. There wouldn’t be any enemies and the “bottomless” pits would be 10 feet deep and heavily padded, but it would still be badass. Since I don’t forsee myself having frivolous amounts of money any time soon, you’ll have to settle for Pac-Manhattan.

7. girl wrestlers in hot shorts – First of all, I believe they’re called hot pants, not hot shorts. Secondly, this is the fucking internet. Search for some hardcore porn and be done with it.

And that’s the end of the chapter.

      Another week has gone by, so it’s time for yet another FWSE report. Here are just some of the search engines queries that brought people to my site between 3/27/05 and 04/02/05:

1. rilo kiley budnick – Actually, it’s Pinskey who’s in Rilo Kiley. That’s all I have to say about that; not every Salute Your Shorts reference needs to turn into a cheap plug for the Donkeylips petition.

2. van halen fucking eddie money on a gigantic pile of money – This was an obvious April Fools’ Day joke, but it was too funny not to print. Props go out to cybersst for creating such an incomprehensibly bizarre phrase using only words found in my Smash TV article.

3. timekillers.com – this comes up almost every day and I have no fucking clue why. It happened before that web address appeared anywhere on SydLexia.com, but publishing the phrase in my FWSE report certainly hasn’t helped things. The second article that I wrote for the site was on the game Time Killers, but that’s two words and it doesn’t fucking end in dotcom. The weirdest part is that there is no timekillers.com, it redirects to some Swedish page. I would guess that either someone is messing with me or it’s a bot. In the unlikely case that someone out there is looking for a way to kill time, there’s always Zombo.com. Fuck, I mean read my site.

4. schiavo kombat -fate – I have no idea what in the hell that is supposed to mean, but I assure you that it was a real search from 04/02.

5. smb:the fall of luigi – This person was looking for this or a sequel to it. If the aforementioned person had used Yahoo, it would have been the #1 result. Instead, Person X used Google where it didn’t even make the first page of results. SydLexia.com did though. Thank you, Google. Your terrible page ranking system has generated more than a few hits for this site.

6. plot of twins 100 words arnold schwarzenegger devito – That sounds like something I could do. So here it is, Twins in 100 words: Twins is about two fraternal twins, Vincent and Julius Benedict who were separated at birth. Julius lived on an island for most of his life and he has an accent because he was raised by a foreign scientist. Eventually he grows weary of islandry and goes to America to find Vincent. Julius knows many things, such as the rules for dealing with a crisis situation, but he is very naïve when it comes to the real world. A lot of things happen in the movie and then it ends. I give Twins three and a half out of five stars.

7. nancy everhard – I’ve been trying to ignore this one because it’s already been mentioned in several FWSE reports. In fact, the only time that Nancy Everhard has ever been mentioned on my site is in FWSE reports. Recently, one of my best friends confessed to being part of a conspiracy of indeterminate size that is bent on slowly driving me insane by making Everhard come up in the daily site reports that I get. Well met.

8. preteens fucking – The week wouldn’t be complete without some random sicko visiting my site by accident. If your IP is 69.148.24.45, then with any luck the FBI is kicking down your goddam door right now. Have a nice day.

      Well, that’s that. It’s getting harder and harder to do these. In the early days when I had very little content, I got very few visitors through search engines and most of them were oddball searches. These days there are more searches for me to sift through and most of them are pretty straightforward. Those people out there searching for alasdair gillis and smb2 enemies are my target audience. Still, I have no plans of stopping FWSE in the forseeable future. That’s it for now. I’m off to think about whether or not I really want to drink the bottle of soda featured in the latest comic.

It seems like only half a week ago that I did FWSE 11… because it was. I had a good reason though: I needed an excuse to use that delicious chocolate cross on my site. So here’s FWSE 12, which goes from March 20 through March 26. Once again, these are all actual keywords that people who found my site typed in search engines. Let’s do this:

1. preteens fucking – And we’re off to great start, huh? Apparently March 23rd was National Degenerate Fuckhead Day because I got hits from four different IPs looking for this shit. Some sicko at 69.61.152.59 searched using some engine I’ve never even heard of called Zuvio. Two slightly more brazen fuckers, one at 70.57.160.205 and one at 64.12.117.11, used MSN in an attempt to indulge their indefensible interests. Finally some moron at 65.65.194.175 used Yahoo for a similiar search. This is fucking weak. The ACLU would have you believe that typing keywords like that into a search engine doesn’t make you a criminal; they’re wrong. People who enjoy that shit should have their genitalia cut off and stuffed in their mouths.

2. popples c64 – We’ve gone from one form of child abuse to another. The Popples’ Commodore 64 game was absolutely horrific. It contained all the fun of an activity book, only with a lot less pages, colors, and FUN. I can’t honestly imagine that any kid enjoyed it.

3. rodimus prime an asshole – There’s nothing I could really add to that… except maybe a verb. Rodimus Prime was an asshole. ‘Nuff said.

4. mk fatalities – Congratulations, you have successfully identified that Mortal Kombat has fatalities. What about it? You want sceenshots of them? You want to know how to do them? Which MK game are you even looking for info on? For everything you could ever want to know about any Mortal Kombat, I recommend GameFAQs. Well, unless you want screenshots. I also highly recommend Mortal Kombat: Deception, as I have been spending some time playing that when I should have been working on the site.

5. disney mickey mouse pornos – So this is what it’s come to… visitors to my site include pedophiles and morons looking for pictures of Donald Duck hate-railing Minnie. Fan-fucking-tastic. I hope they at least told their friends about the site.

6. sly and arnie playtime – Seen it. Not that funny. Naked Doris Roberts is wrong on soooo many levels.

7. marjorie silcoff – Other YCDOTV cast members that SydLexia.com visitors searched for this week were Doug Ptolemy, Lisa Ruddy, Vanessa Lindores, and Christine McGlade. Alanis Morrissette and Adam Reid got snubbed. Big time.

And that’s the end of the chapter. In other news, the pics on my World 9 page for SMB2 weren’t displaying properly and no one bothered to tell me. I probably should have figured it out on my own, but come on. My e-mail address is only on the site about a million times. Someone could have told me. In any case, they work now.

      It’s time for the eleventh episode of FWSE. For those keeping track at home, it’s only the eleventh when you go by airdate, not production code. This report includes search queries that were used to access SydLexia.com between 3/13 and 3/19.

1. donkeylips – More people search for Donkeylips than you might think. If everyone who searched for info about him and/or Salute Your Shorts signed the petition, we could cure cancer. And by cure cancer, I mean get Michael Bower work.

2. princess leilani – An odd search indeed. Princess Leilani was the least memorable thing about Adventure Island. Hell, she didn’t even really exist… Master Higgins rescued that bitch Tina instead.

3. red sonya screenshots – Since I put up the Arnold article, I’ve been getting a surprising number of Red Sonya-related hits. I would attribute it to Brigitte Nielsen’s new show Strange Love, but half of the searches involve Schwarzenegger. It was one of Arnold’s more obscure movies, maybe that’s why people are searching for info on it.

4. axl blaze adam – Who are characters from the Streets of Rage series? Those also might be the names of the current Guns N’ Roses line-up. I’ve lost track of who is in the band besides Axl.

5. capcom vs fucking everything – Capcom has definitely gone too far with the VS series. The VS. Marvel games were pretty cool… not so much with the VS. SNK ones. Here’s some Good Friday trivia for you: recent evidence suggests that it was Dr. Wily’s master robots, not the Jews, who killed Jesus. It is also been speculated that Pontius Pilate may have in fact been Protoman.

6. ramones bonzo goes to bitburg – The meaning of “Bonzo Goes To Bitburg” is that Joey Ramone is a tool. Still, it’s a catchy song, it was in both Airheads and School of Rock, and when you get down to it, The Ramones still rock.

7. tomahawkman – Find something better to do with your time than search for the shittiest Megaman villain ever. Thanks for the hit though.

      So there it is, a belated Good Friday FWSE. As a bonus, enjoy the the candy cross above. It’s a profound statement on the modern clash between religion and commercialism. Or something. That’s all I have to say for now. Like Arnold in The 6th Day, I might be back.

      Goddam, that’s a big X! It’s there to signify that this is indeed the 10th installment of FWSE. That’s like two Rocky Vs combined! Wait… that’s not a good thing. Anyway, here are some of the search queries that brought people to my site between 3/06 and 3/12:

1. blaze fielding video game chicks – As I’m sure anyone reading this has learned by now, search queries aren’t exactly private. Thus, the phrase “video game chicks” probably isn’t something you should be typing into search engines. It’s more than a little sad. That being said, I have toyed with the idea of doing a feature on the best female video game characters. Lists like that are a bitch to put together though. After all, I haven’t played every game ever made (or even one Tomb Raider). Lists like that generally take a team of three or four people to assemble.

2. cat people 1982 movie screenshots – I do enjoy cheesy horror movies from the 80s. If I were to review one though Cat People would definitely not be my first choice… I’d go with Creepshow, Cat’s Eye, or Trick Or Treat. This also raises an important searching tip that a lot of people don’t seem to know about. If you want to look up a specific phrase, put quotes around it. Cat and people are both very common words, but “cat people” is much less common phrase, especially when combined with movie, 1982, and screenshots.

3. animated sabertooth tiger gifs – Yeah… sabertooth tigers went extinct a long time ago. Like thousands of years ago on the BC side of history. Good luck with that.

4. snowballs – Someone apparently found my Commodore Christmas Crapfest using the Finnish version of Google. Snowball is a pretty common word, and I didn’t see my site anywhere in the first ten pages, so this person must have had a ridiculous amount of patience.

5. nancy everhard – I wish I was joking. Stop with the friggin’ Nancy Everhard already!

6. zeke salute your shorts played by – It was Ug. He didn’t do a very good job disguising his voice in the nightmare sequences, plus there was an actual part in that episode where Ug dresses up as Zeke The Plumber to scare Budnick and it was the same damn costume. Come on.

7. red sonya arnie – Interesting someone would look up Arnie instead of Arnold and/or Schwarzenegger. Lazy typist I guess.

      And there you have it. The searches seem to be getting stupider and stupider. That, or maybe I’m getting more cynical. Since this is tenth FWSE, I though I’d so something special. OK, it’s not that special. But as a bonus, here are some of the search queries from the week that I didn’t feel like commenting on:

www.timekillers.com
geki retsu
commando screenshots schwarzenegger
ryu screenshot sf2
syd & nancy subtitles
streetsofrage
steven tyler’s wife cheating?
sydlexia
megaman villains
michael bowers salute your shorts
donkeylips from salute your shorts
awful waffle salute your shorts
bobby budnick
voltron gas guns

I’m back for another round of FWSE, and I’m fresh out of movie subtitles to rip off. So instead, you get yet another Crue reference. This time it’s for the week starting 2/27 and ending 3/26. Let’s see how it goes:

1. what strength but don’t forget there are many guys like you all over the world – An obvious and unnecessarily long Street Fighter 1 search. In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t review terrible games. I wouldn’t advocate playing SF1, so I don’t why I’d recommend reading about it. However, I do actively endorse Revolution X and Bad Dudes. Despite sucking goat dick, the original Street Fighter brings in decent traffic.

2. trey anastasio heroin – I think heroin was more of a Jerry Garcia thing. Even though Trey is a huge Grateful Dead fan, I’m pretty sure he’s smart enough to not to follow Jerry to the grave. Still, you’d probably have no trouble scoring some brownstone at a Phish show if they hadn’t disbanded in 2004.

3. mobile attack strike kommand downloads – So very, very close. It’s armored not attack. But hey, my site still came up.

4. senator working in the nigeria congress – For fuck’s sake, it’s a scam! I feel bad that someone had to use Google to find that out. Oh well. I guess I’ll link to the SydLexia.com mailbag again.

5. beat up fat kid – Wait… WHAT? You shouldn’t need instructions to beat up a fat kid. Also, you probably shouldn’t beat up fat kids; you never know who might go Klebold & Harris on your ass in high school. Besides, it’s too easy. Like killing babies.

6. actual body count in commando movie – The exact body count is impossible to calculate. At one point, Arnold blows up barracks with an indeterminate number of soldiers in them. However, It’s safe to say that Colonel John Matrix kills well over a hundred guerillas.

7. plantman gary young video – NO! BAD! Why the fuck would you want to see this video or hear this song? There’s a fucking reason that they ran this tripe on Beavis & Butthead. I suppose you want to see the Jill Sobule video for “I Kissed A Girl” too? Ugh…

      This is the weekly search engine report for 2/20 through 2/26. Once again, these are actual queries that people who visited my site typed into Yahoo, Google, MSN, and whatever other search engines the kids are using these days. Remember AltaVista? Of course you don’t.

1. arcade game with a fight fat bald guy – Well, that could be almost any arcade game. Hell, it could even be Pac-Man; those ghosts didn’t have any fucking hair. I actually sympathize with this person. I too have typed vague searches into various engines in the hopes of finding the name of some video game or cartoon that I can only barely remember. Unfortunately, it never worked for me. I only found the names of Karateka and SuperTed by sheer coincidence. I hope this person had better luck than I did. I also hope that it wasn’t fucking Karnov.

2. marvel vs capcom 3 – There will probably never be a Marvel vs. Capcom 3, but there will be another dozen Capcom vs. SNK games. Too bad that Capcom vs. SNK is teh suck. The only Capcom/SNK collaboration that I would be interested in playing is Mega Man vs. Metal Slug. Now THAT would be interesting. If anyone out there wants to ever see an MVC3, write angry letters to Marvel Comic’s corporate office and tell them that they’re douchebags. That should work; assholes in suits love being told that they’re wrong and often cave in to public pressure. Oh wait, they have no accountability to the public… I guess we’re fucked. Whatever you do, leave Stan Lee out of this. Sure, kidnapping the old man and holding him hostage would be very easy. The only problem is that the Marvel corporation doesn’t give a shit about Stan Lee.

3. nancy everhard – For the last month or so, I have been getting two or three Nancy Everhard queries a week. What the fuck? Take a look at heracting career. Aside from a few guest appearance, she has never been in anything worth watching. I just don’t get it.

4. penelope miller drink schwarzenegger – I guess I’ll never know for sure what the hell this person was trying to find. I can be pretty confident it wasn’t my Weirdest Arnold Movie Moments though.

5. santa’s grotty christmas – Christmas was 2 months ago, why are you looking this up now? The twenty minutes that I spent playing this game were some of the most excrutiatingly painful minutes of my life. I had tried to block that game out of my mind, but the memories have resurfaced. Thanks a lot, asshole.

6. fucking preteens – AGAIN!? This is the second fucking time this has happened. This search came from the IP 206.116.226.2. Someone please track this asshole down and slit his goddam throat.

7. adventure island quiller – If you know that one of the enemies in Adventure Island is named quiller, then you probably know enough about the game that you didn’t need to Google it. Oh well, I’ll gladly take the hit.

 
      And we’re done. If I keep more hits from sick fucks, I just might have to become a vigilante. If I die in the process, please don’t let them cast Christian Bale or Neil Patrick Harris as me in the big screen adaptation of my story.

      And now it’s time for the ever-so-exciting seventh installment of Fun With Search Engines. You should know how it goes by now. If you don’t, read some back issues. These are the search queries for 2/13 through 2/19. Let’s roll…

1. bride cut the cake – What kind of a dumbass search is this? As an image search, it’s not unreasonable. Unfortunately, this wasn’t an image search because very few of my images have helpful names. Anyone can cut a fucking cake. Why would someone need to see pictures of strangers’ weddings? Is it some sick voyeuristic obsession? Is it total boredom? I could guess all day and never figure it out, but I have better things to do. At any rate, it led to my November Rain feature.

2. www.timekillers.com – This is another retarded search. Why the fuck would someone type a website name into a search engine? Why wouldn’t that person TYPE IT INTO THE FUCKING ADDRESS BAR??? These searches are giving me an aneurysm.

3. mask theme song lyrics kommand – I already have the M.A.S.K. intro available for download, so I might as well post the song lyrics:

Masked crusaders working overtime fighting crime, fighting crime!
Secret raiders who will neutralize soon as they arrive at the site!
Trakker’s gonna lead the mission
And Spectrum’s got such super vision…
MASK – is the mighty power that can save the day!
MASK – no one knows what lies behind their mad charades!
MASK – always riding hot on VENOM’s trail…
Come see their laser rays fire away!

NOTE: Some people claim the lyrics is masquerade(s) and not mad charades, but those people are dirty liars.

4. zz ziff – She was cute, I’d do her. I’d do it proper too. I might even call her the next day, cuz I’m classy like that.

5. guys in muscle shirts – This would be acceptable albeit gay as an image search. As a Yahoo search, it’s just gay. I don’t have an article on Cocksmoking 101, so this search inevitably led to my Bad Dudes page.

6. harry armpits – To the best of my knowledge, this is a Garbage Pail Kids reference. You can expect to eventually see an article on the GPKs here.

7. salute your shorts downloads – Hey, I have one of those! If I had more server space, I would have put up more clips. But I don’t.

      I’ll wrap this up with a random shout out to CommandoFans.com, a site dedicated entirely to the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie Commando. Someone linked to me on their message board, so I decided to return the favor. They’ve even invented their own drinking game. Check it out. As for my site, this week’s article will go up whenever it’s done.

      Now it’s time for the sixth installment of Fun With Searches, this time it’s for the week starting 02/06 and ending 02/12. Here goes nothing…

 
From 2/08:

1. nancy everhard images – The irony here is that the only time Nancy Everhard was ever mentioned on my site was in another edition of FWSE, where I mentioned she starred in a movie called The Deathstone that shouldn’t be confused with the MASK episode of the same name. That one obscure reference brought me a hit. Score.

2. november rain meaning – Why does everyone want to know what November Rain means? Can’t you just enjoy the beautiful cinematography and amazing music? Apparently not.

 
From 2/09:

1. m.a.s.k. kenner helmet variations – Sorry, but that information requires far more research than I am willing to put into this site. I know that Kenner altered Matt Trakker’s Spectrum mask at one point because it wouldn’t stay on the damn toy, but I have no idea which other helmets (if any) were modified over the years for the toyline. I am not a hardcore toy collector, so that type of thing doesn’t particularly interest me.

2. ibuki geki – Some people have nothing better to do than search for obscure Street Fighter characters. Meanwhile, I have nothing better to do than write about obscure Street Fighter characters. It’s a perfect match. Welcome to my site.

3. budnick salute – Someone tried to use my Budnick pic in an offsite forum and that didn’t work out so well for that person. Then she rehosted it on photobucket and everyone lived happy every after.

 
From 2/10:

1. street fighter geki screenshots – What the fuck, was it International Geki Appreciation Week or something? I wouldn’t have expected two Geki-related hits in the same year, much less with a day of each other. I ain’t complaining though, any hit is a good hit. Well, except the next one…

2. fucking preteens – If you use the word fuck as often as I do, sick fucks will find your site by accident. People who search for fucking the kidnapped president, fucking ninja dogs, or just about any other bizarre taboo with the word “fuck” in it might stumble across my site. The person who did this particular search had 24.21.134.106 as their IP. Burn in hell, you fuckwit. The really depressing thing is that according to Alexa’s traffic statistics, NAMBLA’s website is over ten times more popular than mine. Apparently pop culture isn’t as marketable as sex with boys. I guess I’ll have to review Michael Jackson’s Sega game soon if want my site to be viable.

3. mobile armored strike kommand downloads – MASK brought in a lot of hits this week. When I finally get around to doing a You Can’t Do That On Television feature, it should generate even more traffic. MASK is cool and all, but YCDTOTV kicks ass.

 
From 2/11:

1. michael bower donkey lips – I’ve made it pretty clear already that SYS is a popular draw for the site. This particular search is only of note because I have always spelled Donkeylips in its correct compound form but this misspelled query still brought up my site as a result. I guess search engines are smarter than I thought.

 
From 2/12:

1. rip off madballs Was there a rip-off of Madballs? I’m intrigued now. My comment about Madballs rip-offs was made in reference to a Smash TV boss, but it wouldn’t surprise me if there had been imitation Madballs. Those things were the shit.

 
That’s enough for this week. Rock on. The next article will go up Thursday night or Friday afternoon… and it just might be Schwarzenegger-related.

      Sadly, this post has nothing to with Nightmare on Elm Street. Instead, it marks the triumphant return of Fun With Search Engines. Today, we’ll be looking at some search engines queries made between 1/30/05 and 2/05/05 that brought people to my site.

1. boiling points mtv gun – This isn’t the first time that the MTV’s Boiling Points brought a vistor to my site, and it probably won’t be the last. In fact, here’s a sentence with all four of those keywords: I would like to shoot anyone who watches Boiling Points on MTV with a gun. The only time that I ever mentioned Boiling Points was in regards to how much MTV sucks. The sooner America’s youth learns that MTV sucks, the better our future will be.

2. mask yellow helicopter cartoon – Now here’s a hit that I’m not ashamed to take. The ironic thing is: although there was a yellow helicopter on MASK, the two words never appear consecutively in my Deathstone article. Consequently, if this person had used a more specific search, my page wouldn’t have come up.

3. michael bower salute your shorts – I’ve received several hits from people who searched for Donkeylips, but this is the first time that someone found my site by searching for the actor who played him. This one simple search query has enegerized me to change the world for the better. I am issuing a call to all Michael Bower enthusiasts out there, sign this petition:

      Michael Bower Needs Work

      As everyone knows, online petitions are the single most effective way to get what you want. The reason that they work is because movie and television executives don’t actually do any real work. They just sit around in their offices all day jacking off and reading message boards moderated by Dark Angel fanboys. At least, that’s the only way I can explain the existence of Son of the Mask.

4. teenage bedwetters – I don’t know and I don’t want to know… I bet it’s some crappy new emo band. I don’t remember ever using the word “bedwetter” but it seems that I did in my Are You Afraid of the Dark? article.

5. www.babykill.com – I have no idea what search engine this person used, but it wasn’t Google, Yahoo, or MSN. Regardless, it brought up my MASK page, which refers to the American presence in Iraq as Operation Iraqi Babykill in a sarcastic attack on hysterical opponents of U.S. foreign policy.

6. cold november rain wedding scene – Even though Axl Rose hasn’t released anything in years, or perhaps because of it, Guns N’ Roses still fascinate people and enjoy substantial radio play on some stations. I have absolutely no problem with the fact that I help to sustain that fascination.

7. time killers released 1992 – Apparently I’m not the only person on this godforsaken planet who remembers Time Killers. That’s nice.

      That’s enough for this week. If you’re looking for something else to read, there’s always the Mega Man article. I’m outta here.

      It’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, where I report some of the queries that were typed into search engines by people who viewed my site. This report is for 1/16 – 1/22. This was kind of a slow week but I’ve already started typing, so fuck it. And we’re off…

1. adventure island instruction booklet – The Adventure Island instruction booklet is one of the most incredibly useless documents ever printed. As I discussed in my review of the game, the instruction booklet offers little information on playing the game and even less backstory. But if you just *have* to experience its horribleness for yourself, Vimm’s Lair is probably your best bet. They have full scans of many NES booklets in PDF format.

2. what sabertooth tiger eats – I feel mildly bad that some 3rd grader doing a report on prehistoric times might have accidentally stumbled onto my site, since SydLexia.com is highly inappropriate for little children. I would feel worse, but it’s not my fucking fault; parents should not let preteens use the internet unfiltered or unsupervised.

3. mobile armored strike kommand -m.a.s.k. – Not only does MASK totally fucking rule, but I also did an article on it. Score.

4. are you afraid of the dark kiki betty ann gary – Every week, the Are You Afraid Of The Dark? article brings visitors to the site. This week is no exception.

Well, that’s it. Sorry it’s not more exciting. See you next time.

      Now it’s time for the third installment of my totally fucking pointless weekly search query report. Here are some of the searches that brought people to my site between 1/09 and 1/15. How do I know? I have magic fucking powers, OK? Or maybe I have site access logs. Unfortunately, there’s nothing particularly hilarious this week.

1. the deathstone – As it turns out, there are other deathstones besides the MASK one. For instance, there was a 1989 movie called The Demonstone that was released in some countries as The Deathstone. It starred R. Lee Ermey, a man who has based his entire on his one big role as the drill sergeant in Full Metal Jacket. It also starred some chick named Nancy Everhard. I thought only male porn stars had that last name. Hmmm… maybe Nancy is a transvestite. Whoever did the search was probably looking for information on this shitty movie, but instead they found information on a cheesy cartoon. Too bad.

2. voltron 3d episode transcripts – What the fuck is this? I hope to God there aren’t any transcripts of Voltron online and not just because of my general disinterest with fighting cat robots. Seriously, what possible need could anyone have for a transcript of an 80s action cartoon? These things weren’t exactly well written. I love G.I. Joe and Transformers but if someone has actually taken the time to transcribe 22 minutes of unmemorable lines like “Destro, you’ve failed me again!” or “Autobots, transform!” then I want to find him and stab him. If for some reason you feel the need to transcribe cartoons, do South Park, Powerpuff Girls, The Simpsons or any other cartoon that’s actually worth quoting.

3. 90s nickelodeon programs – I’ve said it before, but I get a lot of visitors looking for Nickelodeon stuff. Some more specific searches this week included Welcome Freshmen and Grimm’s Fairy Tale Classics, both of which are briefly mentioned in the Are You Afraid of the Dark? article. I love this shit, so I’ll definitely write about more of it as it becomes available for me to capture.

4. november rain meaning – Aside from Axl Rose or maybe Del James, no one can tell you definitively what the November Rain video means. I gave it a shot though.

GAME OVER.

      I am absolutely fascinated by this. Every morning my web host’s server logs various statistics for my site. It includes which pages were accessed, how many times each page was accessed, IPs, and a few other things. My favorite by far is search queries. The site actually tells me what keywords were used in searches to find my site and some of them are fucking weird. Let’s go to the video tape…

Here are some queries from 1/05, I swear to God I am not making this shit up:

1. crapfest – Well, you sure found one. It doesn’t get much crappier or more festive than this.
2. what can you put into a… your really taken it out? – Hmmm… that sounds like an excerpt from the Ken Starr report. It would appear that the grammatically challenged asshole that typed in this brilliant search ended up on the second page of my Are You Afraid of the Dark? feature.
3. piano mtvs laguna beach – I always feel slightly guilty when my anti-MTV rants bring poor clueless sheep to my site. Then I remember that MTV is *supposed* to be about MUSIC but it isn’t anymore. Then I don’t give a fuck.

Here are some from 1/06:

1. lock the cellar door – This person could have been fucking looking for anything from song lyrics to ghost stories to accident prevention. In any case, they found my Poison page. Interesting enough, when the search is done as a string and not four individual words, I’m currently the #2 result on Yahoo. Score.
2. what can you see with the… the barrel gets lighter – Well, it looks like I’m gaining a strong foothold with the stoned idiot demographic. That’s cool, in a way. But it also hurts my brain. Why the hell would anyone type a riddle into a search engine, especially one that everyone knows the fucking answer to? This search brought another visitor to my Are You Afraid of the Dark? page.
3. the midnight society gary – Goddam, people love those old Nickelodeon shows. Maybe it’s time for a Salute Your Shorts feature. I’m the #1 result for this search on Google right now, with TV Tome directly below me. Fuck you, TV Tome.

The 7th was a slow day, so we’ll finish up with 1/08:

1. orange ninjas – Bad Dudes. It never ceases to amaze me what keywords people use. Then again, I’ve been there myself, huddled over a computer in a dorm room at 2 AM, drunk as hell, while my drunken friends shouted out random things for me to type into Yahoo. That’s called effective time management. I’m all about pleasing the masses, so here’s my Orange Ninja haiku.
2. music video november rain – A satisfied customer, I hope.
3. hammering harry nes – Three relevant searches in one day!? It’s like my own personal Christmas, only without any of the things that make Christmas cool. And no, I’m not gonna link to the Hammerin’ Harry article. I’ve done enough shameless linking and they’re all on the main page anyway.

      That’s all for now. I’m still not entirely sure what the next feature will be or when it will be up. On the plus side, I now have some adjunct staff who will contribute from time to time. Fuck if I know when though.