Happy Thanksgiving, unless you live in a country that doesn’t celebrate it.

      Over the last four or five days, I’ve been somewhat obsessed with the story of Kara Beth Borden and David Ludwig. For anyone who hasn’t been watching the news or reading my forums, it goes something like this:

14-year-old Kara Borden was secretly dating 18-year-old David Ludwig, and the two were quite possibly having sexual relations. On Sunday, November 13th, Borden’s parents discovered that Kara had lied to them about going to a sleepover at friend’s house the previous night and had actually spent the night with Ludwig. So Michael and Catheryn Borden called Ludwig over to their Lititz, PA home sometime Sunday, presumably to tell him that he couldn’t see their daughter anymore. Ludwig apparently didn’t like this idea, because he shot and killed both of them, grabbed Kara, and sped off in his car. The two were taken into custody 28 hours later on Monday afternoon, 20 miles west of Indianapolis on Monday, after a car chase ended in a crash. Ludwig was arrested and Kara was returned to her family. David Ludwig is currently being charged with the double murder, kidnapping, and reckless endangerment. Statutory rape will inevitably be thrown on there as well. Ludwig has reportedly been very calm and cooperative since his arrest. Currently, police do not believe that Kara Borden was a willing participant in murder of her parents. She is said to be in a total state of shock, confusion, and horror.

So, as you can see, the whole thing is pretty horrible. Unfortunately, that didn’t stop me from making a totally inappropriate comic about the situation. Sorry, I can’t help it.

      So Sony has apparently decided to pull its bullshit rootikit software. So that’s nice. Unfortunately, there’s no word on if they’re also going to amend their EULA. Also, a new comic is up. Enjoy.

      Recently, the internet has been abuzz with Sony’s questionable digital rights management program and a rootkit it installs that is incredibly intrusive and can’t be uninstalled. Another issue that came to light in the last couple days was Sony’s equally offensive end-user license agreement for any digital copies that you make of the songs on a CD that you purchased from them. It’s an important issue, but it can be confusing for anyone who doesn’t really follow the whole digital rights debate. So, let me break it down into the simplest of terms:
 

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

      Well, SydLexia.com has officially been around for one whole year. It’s been a pretty exciting year too. The domain learned to walk, said its first words, and even learned to use the potty all by itself. I couldn’t be more proud of it. If you also enjoy SydLexia.com, be sure check out my retrospective on its first year. And if you don’t, you can read this piece instead.

Advanced copies of early reports suggest that Part 22 of the NES Drinking Saga may be up on the Comics page. As both webmaster of SydLexia.com and author of the webcomic in question, I can neither confirm or deny this information.

      Guess what? I fucking hate two-way calling. If you’re unfamiliar with two-way calling, it’s an annoying cell phone service that essentially turns your phone into a walkie-talkie, with every message being preceded by an annoying beep. It’s a stupid idea, but since most companies that offer this service offer it as a freebie, people insist on using it. So instead of cutting into your daytime minutes, you can talk for an unlimited amount to someone else who has the same service provider as you for free. The problem with this is that the vast majority of people who use two-way have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO FUCKING SAY. So now, anytime I’m waiting in line at the supermarket, browsing at Best Buy, or in any other public place, I can hear both sides of some retard’s dumbass conversation instead of just one. They usually go something like this:

Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) Hey, where you at?
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) I’m in the line at the supermarket.
Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) What?
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) I’m in the line at the supermarket.
Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) Ha ha, whatchoo doing there?
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) Getting my mom some stuff.
Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) What?
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) Getting my mom some stuff.
Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) Get me some Doritos.
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) I’m already in line.
Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) C’mon! Get me some Doritos.
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) Get your own damn Doritos.
Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) Whatchoo doing tonight?
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) Dunno.
Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) Movies?
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) I dunno, what’s playing?
Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) Dunno.
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) Get the paper.
Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) Huh?
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) Get out the newspaper and check the damn movie listings.
Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) All right, how about Into The Blue?
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) What’s it about?
Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) Jessica Alba. And it has the cop from the Fast and the Furious movies.
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) Hell yeah!
Idiot Teenager #1: (BEEP!) What?
Idiot Teenager #2: (BEEP!) I said hell yeah!

      Every goddam day, I hear shit like this. I’m not trying to eavesdrop, but that loud fucking beep really draws your attention to the phone. It’s like listening to a fucking IM conversation, only it’s worse because one of the parties ends up repeating some asinine remark louder because his punkass friend didn’t hear it. I don’t understand why people are so enamored with this shit. Remember your 8th birthday? Remember that set of walkie-talkies you got? Remember how you decided they were totally gay after a week? Well now it’s ten years later and you’re doing the same stupid kiddie shit on your $200 cell phone. Grow the fuck up.

      Look at this fucking bullshit. I was on Yahoo earlier, trying to find some multimedia materials so I could teach underprivileged retarded children about wholesome things like sunshine and the power of friendship and this is what fucking happened:

Thanks a lot, Yahoo. Now those poor Mongoloids will never know why they need to make friends.

      Color bars are the bane of my existence. If you’re unfamiliar with them, they’re these stupid theme graphics that sad little teenage girls use to decorate their MySpace profiles and LiveJournal user info pages and they look like this:
 
 

Linday Lohan is love.

Labyrinth is love.

      As you can see, the name “color bar” is derived from the fact that they use several themed graphics in a red-orange-yellow-green-blue-purple progression of colors. Each one is also accompanied by a sentence that contains the phrase “is love”. Some of the more pretentious ones include additional adjectives, for example a Boy Meets World color bar might be chaperoned by this phrase: “Boy Meets World is Feenyfied love.” The damn things make no fucking sense whatsoever; very few of the images ever have anything to do with love. I have spared you the horror of the absolute worst ones, which are just rainbow montages of shirtless Johnny Depps and Orlando Blooms.

      I really don’t see the point of this crap. Labyrinth is one of my all-time favorite movies, but I would never feel the need to display a retarded little graphic in my profile promoting it and if by some chance I did, I still wouldn’t try to classify the movie as the embodiment of love. There’s something dreadfully creepy and Orwellian about throwing around the word “love” for no good reason. Being a realist, I know that I can never fully destroy these stupid fucking IS LOVE color bars, but I *can* wage war against theme with a NEW line of color bars. To replace the pussy ass bullshit color bars that plague the internet, let me introduce my line of IS MURDER color bars:
 
 

Scanners is telepathic exploding head murder.

To use this color bar, copy and paste the following code onto your page:
<center><a href="http://www.sydlexia.com/news/?p=127" target=_blank><img src="http://www.sydlexia.com/blogstuff/scannersmurder.png" alt="Fear Darryl Revok" border="0"/><br /></a>Scanners is telepathic exploding head murder.</center>

Ford Fairlane is sexist murder.

To use this color bar, copy and paste the following code onto your page:
<center><a href="http://www.sydlexia.com/news/?p=127" target=_blank><img src="http://www.sydlexia.com/blogstuff/fordfairlaneismurder.png" alt="Here's to you... sucking my dick!" border="0"/><br /></a>Ford Fairlane is sexist murder.</center>

Mario is murder.

To use this color bar, copy and paste the following code onto your page:
<center><a href="http://www.sydlexia.com/news/?p=127" target=_blank><img src="http://www.sydlexia.com/blogstuff/mario_is_murder.png" alt="Hosted by SydLexia.com" border="0"/><br /></a>Mario is murder.</center>

 
      I might make some more, but until then, I implore everyone out there to make their own. Please note that just like the IS LOVE color bars, your color bar is not required to actually depict any sort of murder; my Ford Fairlane bar is an example of this. Anyone can get free image hosting through Photobucket, so you really don’t have any excuse not to make some. In addition to fighting gayness, this campaign strives to bring meaning back to the phrase “IS MURDER”. Whiny little animal rights activists and war protesters have had been bandying these words about like there’s no tomorrow. It’s time for REAL men to finally take them back. Murder isn’t something as trivial as fur, meat, or oil; it’s Freddy Fucking Krueger. Now get to work.

      I have added my brother, Dr. Jeebus, as adjunct faculty for the site. Subsequently, his first article is now up. Read it or he’s fired.

      Long before I finally got off my ass and founded SydLexia.com, there was a site called Seanbaby.com that provided web surfers with hilarious pop culture content. I would hope that it comes as no surprise when I say that his NES articles were one of my primary sources of inspiration to finally put together a site and share my take on various things. Back when it was updated regularly, Seanbaby’s site was one of the best around. Unfortunately for us, Seanbaby has moved on to other projects such as writing for EGM and appearing on G4TV. If by some sad chance you’ve only seen Seanbaby on the video game channel, you have seen a boring and largely unfunny PG-13 version of a guy who has written some of the best video game commentary ever. The classic content is all still up, but the lack of updates has really hurt his site. And today, for the first time in history, SydLexia.com has overtaken Seanbaby.com in the Alexa site rankings:
 

 
      Come back, Seanbaby. Come back.

      You know what I absolutely fucking hate? When I’m watching Comedy Central or a rerun of The Simpsons and some a PSA comes on showing me pictures of some little kid or teenage girl that got murdered by a drunk driver. It’s sad and all, but IT’S NOT MY FUCKING PROBLEM. I had turned on the TV so that I could be amused, but some self-righteous asshole decided to buy ad time during my favorite shows and hit me with that shit. It’s pretty damn hard to enjoy a comedy when you have to deal with depressing crap like that during the commercial breaks. You know, there should be laws against running PSAs during comedy programming because it’s not fucking fair to the viewers. There are a lot of people in the world who are irresponsible assholes, but I’m not one of them. We shouldn’t have to see all this preachy shit about drunk driving on TV, because the vast majority of people who watch TV aren’t worthless piles of dog turd who do Jell-O shots and then decide to get behind the wheel of a car. And the people who *are* that stupid probably don’t really give a shit. I’m sick of MADD and these other assholes trying to lay guilt trips on me when a) it’s not my fucking fault and b) there’s nothing I can do about these dead kids. As much as I hate animal rights activists, the drunk driving groups could learn a lot from them. How often do you see PETA on your TV whining about animal cruelty during your favorite shows? If the answer isn’t “never”, then it’s “almost never”. That’s because PETA is better organized than that. Rather than yell at the general public over the airwaves, they go down to burger joints or slaughterhouses and harass people there. That’s called TARGETING. If MADD, SADD, and the Partnership for a Drug-Free America want to help their cause, they should bring their message to rehab centers, AA meetings, and bars. Unfortunately, they’re too goddam stupid to do that.

      As much as I hate seeing dead kids on my TV for no good reason, I hate drunk drivers even more. The laws in place to punish drunk drivers are nowhere near harsh enough. I propose that we institute a law called “Three Strikes And No Balls”. Here’s how it works: if you are caught driving under the influence three times, the government gets to forcibly sterilize you. I think that’s fair and reasonable. As a repeat drunk driver, you don’t really deserve to live, but you haven’t done anything that warrants death either. But you definitely don’t deserve to ever have children because if you can’t figure out that drinking and driving is a terrible combination, then you certainly won’t be able to figure out all the nuances of raising a healthy, happy, socially responsible child. No, you’re gonna raise a fuck-up and the world doesn’t need any more of those. And if you already have children, you will never get to see them again. Ever. In fact, if you even say the word “children” after you’ve been sterilized for your dangeroulsy retarded behavior, anyone who hears you say it gets to punch you in the face as hard as they can. Note that up until this point, I have just been talking about people who commit standard DUI infractions. If you actually kill someone while driving drunk, I have concocted a special living hell for you. As it stands, the law is far too lax in this instance. I live in a state where we didn’t punish the man responsible for our most infamous drunk driving death at all; we made him a U.S. Senator. Most drunk drivers who kill only get charged with vehicular manslaughter. I think there should be a mandatory minimum charge of second degree murder in cases where drunk driving is involved. I would also argue that it should be considered first degree murder. Everybody, and I mean EVERYBODY, knows that if you drink and drive, you are absolutely not safe behind the wheel of a vehicle. So if you go to a bar, club, or party with the express intent of getting smashed and without a clear plan of how you will safely get yourself home, then your drunk driving is premeditated. Since you know that death is a possible, if not likely, outcome of drunk driving, then any life that you take is also premeditated. So in most cases, murder one should be the charge and with it comes the possibility of the death penalty. Do I support the death penalty for drunk driving deaths? Hell yes, I do. And none of that lethal injection shit, that’s for pussies. The punishment shall be death by a firing squad comprised entirely of the seeing impaired. I’m not saying they have to be blind, but if they can read the lower lines on an eye chart, they can’t be on the squad. Imagine, some murderous drunk could be tied to the shooting post for as long as an hour while near-blind executioners keep missing his vital organs. That would be absolutely glorious. The family of your victim would also have the chance to maim you 24 hours before your execution. If you somehow only get charged with second degree murder, I have a special punishment for you as well. The average lifespan is what, 85 years? I propose that however many years you took from your victim, you lose that many off of your life. So if you kill someone who’s 20, you lose 65 years and I’m not talking about a jail sentence here. Remember the torture machine from The Princess Bride? I think we need something like that. Science has found ways to prolong our lives and defy the aging process; I bet it could be used to do the opposite as well. Also, there would be a minimum punishment of 10 years. So if you kill some old lady who’s like 90, you don’t beat the system. And if you injure but do not kill someone, you get the business end of Hammurabi’s Code, the old “an eye for an eye” treatment. There have been people who have been horribly burned or scarred in car crashes because of drunk drivers, I can think of no better punishment than exact retribution. So that’s my plan. If you disagree, you’re wrong.

      The reason that drunk driving PSAs don’t stop drunk drivers is because they attempt to use guilt and human suffering to shame people into doing the right thing. While that sort of emotional appeal will have an effect on any decent human being, most alcoholics are too fucking busy feeling sorry for themselves to cry over some dead kid that they don’t know. No, if you really want to reach these bastards, you have to threaten them. You have to instill them with a terror so deep that it supercedes their genetic impulses. A terror like my Italian switchblade knife. With its 7″ handle and 6″ stiletto blade, it is definitely not something to be fucked with. If you want to teach Johnny Fratboy not to drink and drive, this is the type of poster that you should hang up on campus:

I think that gets the point across nicely, don’t you?

      Another new comic is up and it stars Hurricane Katrina, President Bush, and Hurricane Katrina. Also, Hurricane Katrina is mentioned. Unlike President Bush, I will not apologize for my delayed response to Hurricane Katrina. Well, unless I get flamed.

      As you may have heard, incompetent city workers caused a major power outage in LA earlier today… and it turns out that the company who I pay to host my site, Dreamhost, are located in the Los Angeles area. So if you tried to visit the site earlier and it was down, that’s why. But I’m back. Rejoice.

      Sorry for the lack of new content on the main page, I’m working on two articles right now and if all goes well then one will be up tomorrow and the other one will be up Saturday. Unfortunately, my progress has been slowed by problems with my network adapter. Earlier this week, my adapter decided to stop connecting to connecting to the wireless network that I’m actually paying for and started connecting to one of my neighbor’s wireless networks instead. So while I have internet access, it is unnecessarily slow and that slows down the entire process. Uploading images for articles and saving my drafts sometimes takes minutes instead of seconds and when that happens I start to lose my focus and desire to write.

      But as I said, I’m toughing it out and I’ll have something for you sometime tomorrow. Thank you for your patience in this matter.

Due to inclement weather, Part 19 of the NES Drinking Saga has been postponed. You can read the 100% true story of this unfortunate rain delay somewhere on the site. Can you find the link?

      For the first time ever, SydLexia.com’s overall Alexa ranking is under 100,000. I have been pulling in well under 100,000 as my weekly ranking for a few weeks now and now it is finally reflected in my overall ranking. Why is this a big deal? Well, here is what Alexa has to say about their statistics:

Generally, Traffic Rankings of 100,000+ should be regarded as not reliable because the amount of data we receive is not statistically significant.

      So yeah, I’m pretty psyched about this. The number of sites currently more popular than mine (97,117) is a number I can almost visualize. For anyone who cares, here are my Alexa rankings going back to May 9th, when I finally had the presence of mind to start recording them. Alexa rankings are generally usually updated twice per week:

2,873,346 – 5/09/05
2,873,517 – 5/12/05
2,411,400 – 5/15/05
1,986,744 – 5/19/05
1,991,796 – 5/22/05
1,136,126 – 5/26/05
882,922 – 5/30/05
606,951 – 06/02/05
489,413 – 06/06/05
416,006 – 06/09/05
385,888 – 06/11/05
366,077 – 06/12/05
318,209 – 06/17/05
275,038 – 06/23/05
263,116 – 06/27/05
237,894 – 06/30/05
224,332 – 07/03/05
206,311 – 07/07/05
190,973 – 07/10/05
181,772 – 07/14/05
172,896 – 07/18/05
157,203 – 7/24/05
154,015 – 7/28/05
149,542 – 7/31/05
145,622 – 8/04/05
137,693 – 8/07/05
129,367 – 08/11/05
122,825 – 08/14/05
112,172 – 08/18/05
101,752 – 08/25/05
97,118 – 08/28/05

Thank you to everyone who made this possible, especially my regular posters. You rock.

Teh Syd Forums are now open. I’ll probably find some more changes to make over the coming weeks, by they’re up and they work. So have fun with that.

      I was going through some boxes of old papers earlier and I found a fake ad booklet I made for no apparent reason back in 1996. It was called The Psycho Pages and as you can see, it has sustained some water damage. I think it’s still kind of funny, so I may scan and restore the entire booklet for your viewing pleasure. It wouldn’t take too much effort since it’s only 10-12 pages long. Below are scans of two of the pages, click on either one to see a larger version of it.
 

 
      As you can see, my sense of humor has evolved greatly since then. It has become far more subtle and complex. OK, so it really hasn’t. But I swear more.

      A new comic is up featuring my barely fictitious exploits during a recent tax holiday. If you didn’t already click the link above, you can find it on the Comics page.