You know what I absolutely fucking hate? When I’m watching Comedy Central or a rerun of The Simpsons and some a PSA comes on showing me pictures of some little kid or teenage girl that got murdered by a drunk driver. It’s sad and all, but IT’S NOT MY FUCKING PROBLEM. I had turned on the TV so that I could be amused, but some self-righteous asshole decided to buy ad time during my favorite shows and hit me with that shit. It’s pretty damn hard to enjoy a comedy when you have to deal with depressing crap like that during the commercial breaks. You know, there should be laws against running PSAs during comedy programming because it’s not fucking fair to the viewers. There are a lot of people in the world who are irresponsible assholes, but I’m not one of them. We shouldn’t have to see all this preachy shit about drunk driving on TV, because the vast majority of people who watch TV aren’t worthless piles of dog turd who do Jell-O shots and then decide to get behind the wheel of a car. And the people who *are* that stupid probably don’t really give a shit. I’m sick of MADD and these other assholes trying to lay guilt trips on me when a) it’s not my fucking fault and b) there’s nothing I can do about these dead kids. As much as I hate animal rights activists, the drunk driving groups could learn a lot from them. How often do you see PETA on your TV whining about animal cruelty during your favorite shows? If the answer isn’t “never”, then it’s “almost never”. That’s because PETA is better organized than that. Rather than yell at the general public over the airwaves, they go down to burger joints or slaughterhouses and harass people there. That’s called TARGETING. If MADD, SADD, and the Partnership for a Drug-Free America want to help their cause, they should bring their message to rehab centers, AA meetings, and bars. Unfortunately, they’re too goddam stupid to do that.

      As much as I hate seeing dead kids on my TV for no good reason, I hate drunk drivers even more. The laws in place to punish drunk drivers are nowhere near harsh enough. I propose that we institute a law called “Three Strikes And No Balls”. Here’s how it works: if you are caught driving under the influence three times, the government gets to forcibly sterilize you. I think that’s fair and reasonable. As a repeat drunk driver, you don’t really deserve to live, but you haven’t done anything that warrants death either. But you definitely don’t deserve to ever have children because if you can’t figure out that drinking and driving is a terrible combination, then you certainly won’t be able to figure out all the nuances of raising a healthy, happy, socially responsible child. No, you’re gonna raise a fuck-up and the world doesn’t need any more of those. And if you already have children, you will never get to see them again. Ever. In fact, if you even say the word “children” after you’ve been sterilized for your dangeroulsy retarded behavior, anyone who hears you say it gets to punch you in the face as hard as they can. Note that up until this point, I have just been talking about people who commit standard DUI infractions. If you actually kill someone while driving drunk, I have concocted a special living hell for you. As it stands, the law is far too lax in this instance. I live in a state where we didn’t punish the man responsible for our most infamous drunk driving death at all; we made him a U.S. Senator. Most drunk drivers who kill only get charged with vehicular manslaughter. I think there should be a mandatory minimum charge of second degree murder in cases where drunk driving is involved. I would also argue that it should be considered first degree murder. Everybody, and I mean EVERYBODY, knows that if you drink and drive, you are absolutely not safe behind the wheel of a vehicle. So if you go to a bar, club, or party with the express intent of getting smashed and without a clear plan of how you will safely get yourself home, then your drunk driving is premeditated. Since you know that death is a possible, if not likely, outcome of drunk driving, then any life that you take is also premeditated. So in most cases, murder one should be the charge and with it comes the possibility of the death penalty. Do I support the death penalty for drunk driving deaths? Hell yes, I do. And none of that lethal injection shit, that’s for pussies. The punishment shall be death by a firing squad comprised entirely of the seeing impaired. I’m not saying they have to be blind, but if they can read the lower lines on an eye chart, they can’t be on the squad. Imagine, some murderous drunk could be tied to the shooting post for as long as an hour while near-blind executioners keep missing his vital organs. That would be absolutely glorious. The family of your victim would also have the chance to maim you 24 hours before your execution. If you somehow only get charged with second degree murder, I have a special punishment for you as well. The average lifespan is what, 85 years? I propose that however many years you took from your victim, you lose that many off of your life. So if you kill someone who’s 20, you lose 65 years and I’m not talking about a jail sentence here. Remember the torture machine from The Princess Bride? I think we need something like that. Science has found ways to prolong our lives and defy the aging process; I bet it could be used to do the opposite as well. Also, there would be a minimum punishment of 10 years. So if you kill some old lady who’s like 90, you don’t beat the system. And if you injure but do not kill someone, you get the business end of Hammurabi’s Code, the old “an eye for an eye” treatment. There have been people who have been horribly burned or scarred in car crashes because of drunk drivers, I can think of no better punishment than exact retribution. So that’s my plan. If you disagree, you’re wrong.

      The reason that drunk driving PSAs don’t stop drunk drivers is because they attempt to use guilt and human suffering to shame people into doing the right thing. While that sort of emotional appeal will have an effect on any decent human being, most alcoholics are too fucking busy feeling sorry for themselves to cry over some dead kid that they don’t know. No, if you really want to reach these bastards, you have to threaten them. You have to instill them with a terror so deep that it supercedes their genetic impulses. A terror like my Italian switchblade knife. With its 7″ handle and 6″ stiletto blade, it is definitely not something to be fucked with. If you want to teach Johnny Fratboy not to drink and drive, this is the type of poster that you should hang up on campus:

I think that gets the point across nicely, don’t you?