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SydLexia.com turns 6 years old today. Happy birthday, website! With a little luck and a lot of caffeine, there will be a major content update posted to help celebrate this exciting anniversary before the end of the week.
In honor of Halloween, Steve and Jeff over at 8bitrocket.com held a contest where the prize was a copy of the Wii version of the 2010 remake of Atari’s classic 1981 game Haunted House. The contest rules were simple: name another classic Atari game you’d like to see remade. My suggestion, a remake of the unfinished Swordquest series as a single, won. I should note that 8bitrocket is no way affiliated with Atari, so don’t expect to see the game come to fruition. That being said, you should still definitely visit 8bitrocket.com. They design flash games and flash game engines, specializing in retro arcade style action. They have also written a book on how to code and design your own flash games.
So McDonald’s debuted a new line of Halloween pails this year. Just like last time they brought the pails back, they don’t have lids, which is completely weak. And this time, they have a Mr. Potato Head theme. The gimmick is that each pail has a few blank Potato Heads printed on it and comes with a set of stickers that you can place on them to design your own Halloween Potato Head. That’s cool, right? WRONG. You know what would have been cool? Halloween-themed Potato Head Kids. Great fucking work, McDonald’s. I hope whoever came up with this dumb idea dies, if they haven’t already.
No, seriously. This really happened.
Yes, it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring site feature where I take a look at some of the keywords that brought people to SydLexia.com. This Fun With Search Engines report is for the twenty-five week period beginning March 21st, 2010 and ending September 11th, 2010. As always, these are all real searches. Here we go…
1. nes adventure games – These games include Adventure Island, Adventures of Lolo, Pero’s Great Adventure, Adventure Island 2, and The Adventure of Link.
2. sonia the warrior arnold swartzanigger – Excellent spelling attempt. You were so close! SO CLOSE!
3. dark link and zelda having sex – Princess Zelda is a saint!
4. i wanna bone – You mean Assistant Principal Bone? Done:
5. best snes games – SydLexia.com brought you The 100 Best SNES Games Ever back in 2007.
6. resident evil hentai jill valentine – You know, maybe I should just turn SydLexia.com into a hentai site. I get so many goddam hentai searches, I might as well just give the people what they want.
7. sydlexia disease – Rumors of my gonorrhea have been greatly exaggerated.
8. picture of a gun – Here you go. ADDED BONUS: The gun is being held by Jon Voight.
9. the world just lost another hulkamaniac – I’m guessing it wasn’t Bastion Booger or Giant Gonzales.
10. where were you while we were getting high – Drinking Diet Coke and listening to Oasis.
11. no one expresses themselves better than rain – Scorpion, Reptile, Sub-Zero, and even Ermac disagree.
12. whomp there it is – While my article on Whomp ‘Em appreciates the traffic, you’re looking for this:
13. rad racer sprite sheet – Fuck Rad Racer.
15. sesame street conspiracy – The only thing that Sesame Street conspires to do is provide families who can’t afford cable with access to fun and educational programming for young children. Thanks to Sesame Street, countless children first learned the difference between squares and circles; they also learned about rusty trombones.
16. joe biden is a fucking nutjob – I disagree. Let’s let America decide, based solely on this file photograph:
17. bullshit nes game endings – Here. At the end of this article, I wasn’t promising a sequel; I was making a joke. But since a lot of readers complained that the July 2010 sequel article never appeared, I guess I have no choice but to make it happen.
18. eight bit nintendo games that suck – I feel like you could have just said “NES games that suck”. You probably would have gotten better results!
19. bandai sucks – Aside from Wisdom Tree/Color Dreams and Acclaim/LJN, Bandai was easily the worst game publisher on the NES.
20. donkey kong climber – Donkey Kong climbs in his eponymous debut. Let’s pretend that’s the game you’re talking about, since it’s way better.
21. neopets faeries hentai – I used to be really into Neopets, until I realized it was just mindless grinding. As for the hentai request, kill yourself. I realize that I mulled over converting SydLexia.com into a hentai site a few minutes ago; I’ve decided against it.
22. peabody project ayaotd – The Tale of the Unexpected Vistor was pretty mediocre.
23. do porn stars enjoy to fuck or pretend – Presumably, all of the male talent enjoys their work. At the very least, all of the heterosexual male talent enjoys their work. A lot of the female talent does not enjoy the work and only get involved in porn because they’re desperate for money. A very high percentage of women who enter porn only appear in a handful of scenes and then quit because they hate the work so much.
24. shit – Instead of shit, say poo:
25. super mario 2 was a lie – It’s not a lie, it’s a real game. You can play it, and you can even win if you’re good enough, just like most other NES games. I have the cartridge.
26. games you’ve never played – I’ve never played Captain Novolin. I hear I didn’t miss anything.
27. dinisaur nes game – Dinisaur? Seriously? How can anyone get that wrong? I’m pretty sure that dinosaur is the first word over 4 letters long that I learned to spell. You know why? BECAUSE DINOSAURS ARE FUCKING AWESOME.
28. sly cooper cartoon porn – Instead of Sly Cooper porn, here’s a fully clothed picture of a much more talented thief:
29. maniac mansion endings – Some of the best endings to Maniac Mansion can be seen HERE, courtesy of my good friend Valdronius.
30. syd lexia ending – I know how my life will end. To see the shocking truth, highlight this entry. SPOILER – I will die the way most writers die: alcohol-inspired suicide.
31. doldies poyut pionerskie gorni – I have no idea what the fuck I just read. Russian? Polish? Gibberish?
32. mb is scary – I’m going to assume that M.B. stands for horror icon Michael Berryman. He’s the best.
33. images – Why not visit my bandwith-raping image dump?
34. ultimate morkat kombat 3 – Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3? More like Slightly Better Version Of That Really Shitty Game Mortal Kombat 3.
35. sisters fucking – Sex, hentai, fucking, hentai, porn, porn, fucking! The internet has very limited interests.
36. second-hand smoke kills – It sure does:
37. how many stages does adventure island have – 8 levels comprised of 4 stages each for a grand total of 32.
38. rock stacks – I’m sorry… are you using Google to search for crack? Is that what’s going on here?
39. best weapon in joe and mac – Electricity is almost definitely the best weapon, but I prefer the Ninja Clones.
40. surprise sex – In the legal world, that’s what’s known as rape. You might want to stop doing that.
41. megaman cutman – If they made that game today, he’d cut himself instead of you.
42. which nintendo game is best – To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women! Wait, my bad. I read that question wrong.
43. game watch turtle bridge – You can read about it HERE.
44. it’s a sad thing that your adventures have ended here – Don’t I know it?
45. I dropped the ring – OMG, Frodo reads the site! How cool is that? Sir, I am a huge fan.
46. sweet little office bitch changing in cubicle – Outstanding.
47. are you afraid of the dark – You know, I get an ungodly amount of hits from this show. Maybe I should further capitalize on this.
48. which former wwe champion is known to tell children to eat properly and say their prayers – Come on! COME ON!
49. naked zombie – You know, I can really relate to this search. Nothing gets me hotter than naked rotting corpses. Except, not.
50. virtual boy games list – I’ll do you one better. Click on the picture below for a link to my article on the 100 Greatest Virtual Boy Games Ever.
51. mystery house – Hey, read my review of Mystery House.
52. how to shag like a porn star – If you have to ask, then you’ll never know.
53. go ahead dauntlessly – No. There could be traps.
54. the 100 best best lists – Ooh, that’s so meta.
55. terminator smile – He had such a nice smile. He should have smiled more!
56. come to the dark side we have girls – That’s a complete fucking lie. But we do have cookies.
57. duck hunt is supposed to be a light-hearted game about team work – Wrong. Duck Hunt is supposed to be a light-hearted game about using the NES controller to ruin the game for the person shooting at the ducks.
58. good nes game for a trip – Well if you’re taking your NES to a rustic cabin on a lake, I recommend this super fun camping sim.
59. mega man 4 how to kill toad man – THE SAME THING THAT HAPPENS TO EVERYTHING ELSE! Shit, that line didn’t quite work. It never does.
60. michael jackson sprite dance – Dance Michael, dance:
61. greatest nes games ever – Click here.
62. home alone board game value – It’s worth about $10-15 American dollars. The Home Alone 2 board game is worth roughly the same amount.
63. porn stars who look like little girls – Yeah… so I’ve forwarded your IP to Chris Hansen. If anyone else wants it, it’s 184.108.40.206.
64. monster party prototype – It’s unlikely we’ll ever see it. But if you want to see some cool unused sprites hidden in the game code, click here.
65. how to edit smb2j levels – I’m not telling you. You’re probably planning to make some retardedly hard ROM hack along the lines of Air or Super Mario Forever. Well, fuck you, hacks like those aren’t fun to play.
66. collateral damage creepy shower scene – Showering with your kids is wrong. So wrong.
67. nintendo nes zelda sucks review – The Legend of Zelda does NOT suck! Put down the crack pipe.
68. there are three way money move in this world satan – What did I just say about crack pipes?
69. princess peach hentai – Awesome, another hentai search. Clearly, I should feel proud of the site that I’ve created here.
70. are you afraid of the dark stairs – Now that my cat’s dead, no. But when she was alive, that sneaky motherfucker would always sleep on the stairs in what I can only assume was an attempt to trip and kill me.
71. christmas ornament girls fucking – That sounds REALLY classy. Who do you think you are, Glenn Quagmire?
72. list of nes games – Abadox, Tetris, Bubble Bobble, Super Sprint, California Games, Shatterhand.
73. kyle stoneman facebook cake party pictures – It would seem this Kyle Stoneman character had quite the cake, party, and/or cake party. There are only 12 Kyle Stonemen on Facebook. Let’s see if we can’t find the correct one and get some cake.
74. how to do the pit fatality in mk1 – When it says FINISH HIM, uppercut your opponent. It’s so easy, even your mom could do it.
75. a little bigger than a mcdonalds happy meal – That would be the Mighty Kids Meal.
76. tony conigliaro resting place – He’s buried at Holy Cross Cemetery in Malden, MA.
77. mega man villains – I prefer Mega Man Legends.
78. nes game with yoyo – You’re most likely thinking of either StarTropics, Yo! Noid, or Rygar.
79. every thing zen – I don’t think so.
80. does brown give a better taste for cookies – Brown tastes terrible. You want to use cyan or dapple gray.
81. drinking old pepsi free – What sort of idiot would do that? Oh right, me.
82. sirron kcuhc dnif – Sknaht on.
83. games like rtype that were released on snes – Well, there were both Super R-Type and R-Type III. Are those games R-Typical enough for you?
84. mcdonalds pumpkin buckets – It’s October, already? I need to get my shit together and write something.
85. grapes – I’ve been known to eat grapes. Seedless green grapes are where it’s at.
86. how to play kirby – Suck and spit, suck and swallow.
87. olivia d’abo – She’s aged pretty well. I was massively disappointed when they killed off her recurring character on Law & Order: Criminal Intent at the end of the seventh season.
88. queen elizabeth 1 tshirt with skull face – I’m pretty sure Queen Elizabeth I didn’t wear t-shirts. I didn’t know her personally though, so I can’t say for sure.
89. jodie sweetin – Remember kids, if you ever need crystal meth, you can always pretend you got clean, then take money from Christian groups to give motivational speeches about how Jesus helped you get clean. Then, you can spend that money on crystal meth. Then, you can sell the story about how you lied about being clean to the media and get even more money, money which will presumably also be spent on drugs. That is the Jodie Sweetin way.
90. instructions – 1) Read content on SydLexia.com 2) Repeat as necessary
91. judge wapner – He’s 90 years old and he’s still completely awesome.
92. facebook like button – Facebook certainly does have a like button. Please be sure to like SydLexia.com, as well as all its posts. Doing so will help the site’s search engine rankings.
93. i like to go swimming with bow legged women – And swim between their legs.
94. law of the west accolade – You can read the Valdronius review of the game HERE.
95. kara beth borden – November 14th will be the 5th anniversary of the murder of her parents, which means it’s about time for 4chan and/or Encyclopedia Dramatica to track her down and troll her until she cries. I do not endorse or approve of such behavior; I am simply making a prediction.
96. karnov – Karnov as a video game protagonist = meh. Karnov as a boss in Bad Dudes = awesome.
97. what is the best weapon to use against dr wily in megaman 1 – Fire Storm works best against Dr. Wily’s first form. Subsequently, Rolling Cutter, Fire Storm, and Thunder Beam are the only weapons that can damage Dr. Wily’s second form at all.
98. how to beat bosses in streets of rage – Punch and kick, use weapons when possible, and successfully evade their attacks.
99. cartoon series dead cat episode – You must be thinking of the short-lived 1997 series, The Adventures of Schrödinger. It only ran for one season, and I just made it up.
100. erin esurance being fucked in the ass while her clones watch – Erin was officially retired as the Esurance mascot back in June. However, she’s become an indestructible meme, and I fully expect to keep getting Erin Esurance hentai searches until I no longer have the patience to run this site. Don’t fret though, loyal readers, I have an awful lot of patience. Unfortunately, I don’t have enough patience to continue this post any further.
This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.
It’s October, in case you didn’t notice. Why not get yourself psyched for Halloween by revisiting my synopses of all seven seasons of the classic Nickelodeon show? And if you’re hoping for some new content this October, worry not: there will definitely be some. But until new articles are released, you can click on the pictures below to enjoy some SydLexia.com classics from Halloweens past.
Every so often, I get link partnership requests from other websites. Unfortunately, very rarely are these offers legitimate. Most of the time, these offers come from sites that are barely two months old and that engage in businesses unrelated to SydLexia.com. For example, here’s an e-mail I received today. It appears as an image to avoid giving these fucking douchebags any actual links or the improved search engine placement that comes with links.
Sarah, you dumb British whore, have you ever even looked at SydLexia.com? If you had, you’d know that I would not benefit in any tangible way from associating myself with a fucking bingo site, especially one that, according to Alexa, currently gets 1.3% of the traffic that my site does. There’s not a single goddam useful thing that I get out of this deal. And the worst part is that this isn’t even a link exchange! They’re offering to write some spammy bullshit about bingo for me that I can publish as “unique content” on my site with a link to their site at the bottom. Yeah… no fucking thanks. I already have BARRELS of unique and popular content created by myself and my trusted associates; I don’t need any fucking help. But I’m a courteous guy, so I replied. Here’s what I said:
I am very excited in this opportunity. As I’m sure you know, SydLexia.com
prominently features bingo and bingo-related merchandise, and I would very
much like to build relevant links with other bingo sites. This should
increase both of our bingo-related traffic tenfold. Please tell me more. As
you blokes say in England, pip pip cheerio, chin up, and keep muddling
through! If this partnership works out, I hope that someday we can take the
lift to the loo for some fish n’ chips and a little bit of how’s your mum.
Carry on then, and get back to me.
Syd Lexia, Bingo Enthusiast
I do hope to receive an expedient reply. If I do, I’ll be sure to share it. In the meantime, why not visit Use Bombs, Dark Maze Studios, SoldierHawk’s Emporium, and Day Of The Woman? Their links can be found in the sidebar, and they are all quite deserving of your traffic.
Today is the 4th Annual International amirite Day!
Celebrate by being a complete douche.
Four weeks. Four long expired cereals. I just might die.
WILL SYD SURVIVE THE JUNE OF DOOM? STAY TUNED!