It is time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the semi-popular site feature where I show you some of the keywords that brought visitors to the site. This FWSE report is for the three week period beginning December 14th and ending January 3rd. As always, these are all real searches.

1. sly hentai – Cooper or Stallone? YOU FAIL EITHER WAY.

2. what we learn from are you afraid of the dark – I did an article or two on that. Maybe five.

3. how many syd lexias are there – Only me as far as I know, and if I find any fucking imposters, I’ll fight to them to death.

4. guy underwater jacking off – About that… NO.

5. fucking turtles logo – This search intrigues me? Was the person searching for a logo that featuring turtles fucking? Was he or she searching for a turtle-based logo that pissed them off so that they often referred to it as “that fucking turtles logo”? Or were they simply mad at the Logo programming language and its turtle cursor? We may never know.

6. 1986 happy meal red plastic box – That’s a McDonaldland TV Lunch Box. It debuted in 1987 in select test markets, and was reused in 1988 on a national scale. It came with stickers.

7. what are the best nes games – Fuck if I know!

8. muppet christmas movie with doll – That would be The Christmas Toy, a TV special from 1986. It was awesome. Both this and another Muppet special, Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas were two of my favorite holiday movies when I was little.

9. christmas is a waste of fucking money – I disagree. I enjoy buying stuff for other people.

10. the queen – I hear she’s dynamite with a laser beam.

11. christmas eve fucking – But then Santa won’t come! Well, unless you’re fucking Santa. You know what, let’s forget I even said that, because that’s awful. Christmas is about innocence and purity and candy canes and unicorns, not cheap thrills and vulgarity. People, just say no to Christmas fucking. Ladies, don’t give up your special spot on Christmas Eve. And gentleman, if you feel the need to validate your manhood, do it by buying your special lady a really expensive present, not by inserting yourself in her.

12. a fighting game where you can cut off limbs – How about Time Killers?

13. what happens if you beat super mario bros the second time – You get the exact same ending you got the first time:

14. naked ladies – I like those! You like those too? WE SHOULD HANG OUT!!!

15. tom green battles aliens in a movie – I hope he loses. Badly.

16. bart anal game – Those are three words I never expected to see together, nor did I ever want to. In all fairness though, an anal game starring Bart Simpson probably wouldn’t be noticeably worse than most of the other Simpsons video games.

17. are you afraid of the dark chlorine – No. I’m not afraid of the light chlorine either.

18. choose your own adventure cave of time – That was one of two articles that Dr. Jeebus wrote for the main site before starting his awesome blog.

19. loose weight and ride the elevators – I’d love to, but it’s fucking impossible to get a copy of Wii Fit right now.

20. alex the kidd in miracle world bad guy name – The bad guy is called Janken the Great. Also, the protagonist is called Alex Kidd, no “the”.

21. erin esurance hentai – Always save the best for last!
 

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.