Well, I am still behind on the site. So far behind, in fact, that I totally missed last week’s Fun With Search Engines because I was busy working on other shit. So now it’s time for a special double edition of Fun With Search Engines, the recurring site segment where I review some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. This FWSE is for the period of time between July 23rd and August 5th. As always, these are all real searches.
1. dr jekyll and mr hyde nes instruction manual – You don’t need the instruction manual for this game; you need to avoid this game at all costs.
2. best christmas movies – It’s a little out of season, but here.
3. 1 800 232 3324 – This was a toll-free number run by LJN that gave out hints for their Who Framed Roger Rabbit? NES game. I don’t know why someone would look this up, but since we’re on the subject of disconnected 800 numbers, does anyone remember 1-800-IFEELOK? That thing was hilarious.
4. preteens fucking – I’ve decided to answer this one in the form of a picture:
5. how to win a boy and his blob – Use an apple jellybean.
6. big ass adventure.com – Here’s a question: if you know the name of the third rate porn site that you want to go to, why not just type it into the fucking address bar?
7. hoy guy with clown face – Even given that T is right next Y on the keyboard and this search was probably supposed to be hot guy with clown face, this still makes no fucking sense. Well, I suppose it makes sense, but a clown fetish? That just ain’t right.
8. hard fuck mom vs only son – I think this search is pretty goddam gross, but who am I to judge? Oh yeah, I’m Syd Fucking Lexia, that’s who.
9. kevin spacey dick suck – See above.
10. what does ted turner have up his sleeve – Probably nothing. His TV empire has been part of the Time Warner family for several years now and Ted has a lot less say than he did when he was running the show. In fact, that’s why WCW doesn’t exist anymore. Turner loves wrestling and he was willing to run WCW at a loss because of it. Time Warner did not share in this spirit, so they sold off WCW to the highest bidder. And unfortunately for the wrestling community, that bidder was a cocksucker by the name of Vince McMahon.
11. sissy girly pretty lipstick – As opposed to what? Sissy masculine pretty lipstick? Wait, doesn’t Gerard Way endorse that?
12. mortel combat fatalities – Sigh… This search makes me want to give up on life.
The super mega article I’ve been promising isn’t finished yet, so I’ll try to throw something else together sometime this week for you to read. This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.