Now it’s time for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly site report where I take a look at some of the keywords that visitors to the site plugged into various search engines. This FWSE report is for the week of April 15th through April 21st. And so it begins…

1. megaman bosses – Mega Man only had ONE boss, Dr. Light, and he was really more of a father figure than a boss. And while Mega Man did find employment under Dr. Light, I don’t he got paid very well. To be fair though, it’s not like Dr. Light could afford to pay Mega Man. After Dr. Wily stole his original batch of Master Robots and used them to spread untold havoc and destruction, those big fat government subsidies stopped pouring in. Also, Mega Man was a fucking robot; robots don’t need money.

2. dark quiet kid – If you’re looking for a dark, quiet kid, you probably shouldn’t be searching Yahoo; you should be searching MySpace. It’s easy, just do search for “emo”. Here’s a link to get you started.

3. scarface – Are we talking about the classic movie or Tina Fey?

4. is kung lao better than liu kang – Well, Kung Lao never got turned into an evil zombie, so I would probably say yes. Then again, no one ever thought Kung Lao was a big enough threat to their plans that they had to kill him, so maybe not.

5. sebastian ornament mcdonalds – Such an ornament can be found HERE.

6. how to beat mr sandman super macho man and mike tyson on punch out – Punch them.

7. finish him – That’s what I said to the girl in the coat room at that party, because she totally promised me the next blowjob.

8. dress up gams – Gams? Those long smooth things that dames got? What the fuck is this, the 1940s?

9. cleaning gay ass – Oh… gross.

10. candy island jokes – What the fuck is a Candy Island joke. You know what, nevermind; no matter what it is, I’m sure it’s a hell of a lot better than that last search.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      Yes, it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring site feature where I take a look at some of the keywords that visitors to the site typed into Google and Yahoo. How do I get this information? Easy, I have MAGIC POWERS. Actually, it shows up in the daily site logs that my webhost provides me with. The site logs, however, are definitely magic… or not. Anyway, this FWSE report is for the two week period beginning on April 1st and ending April 14th. Here it comes…

1. camp eat your shorts – I hope you mean Salute Your Shorts.

2. link fucking his zelda – Fucking HIS Zelda, eh? I think I’d rather see him fuck Sabrina The Teenage Witch’s Zelda, just as a change of pace.

3. egg eggplant shirt – Here’s a prototype:

 
4. friday the 13th nes instruction manual – You can find it within Vimm’s Lair, the best manual site ever.

5. mega man villains – I know a little something about Mega Man villains.

6. something to with girls there hotness – Girls are a lot like cars… it’s all about curves.

7. mcdonalds halloween bucket – Here.

8. the best games evere for consoles – As soon as evere becomes a real word, I’ll give you a real answer.

9. dragon humping – Wasn’t that a song by Chumbawumba?

10. hentai – I bet my red hentai would go great with with that egg eggplant shirt:

 
11. girls are like retarded ducks – That’s not really a valid point, so let’s move on.

12. 3-D password people games that let you shop for item and make your person eat – I know a great 3D game where you can shop for items and eat… it’s called REAL LIFE. There’s no passwords for it though, and since you seem to be failing at it, you’re pretty much fucked.

13. sly cooper nude – There’s something inherently wrong with wanting to see a raccoon’s junk.

14. fucking cousin videos – You know, people tell me that I don’t update my site enough. The reason for the lack of updates is that looking at my site logs has given me a goddam aneurysm.

15. what to do if grandpa is a grump – Send his ass to a nursing home. That, or call Jack Kervorkian; he’ll be outta jail in June.

16. ninjitsu weapons – Can you name all eight magical types of ninjitsu weapons? I can. Hearts, stars, horseshoes! Clovers and blue moons! Pots of gold and rainbows, and the red balloons! Wait… that’s something else.

17. super punchout unlock mike tyson – Don’t look now, but something’s written on your ceiling:

 
18. who framed roger rabbit – It was Doc Brown. To be fair, Roger had it coming; he tried to steal the flux capacitor.

19. snake plissken costume – Basically all you need is an eyepatch, a limp, and some leather. It also helps if you look EXACTLY like Kurt Russell.

20. erin esurance naked – AHHHHH!

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      Thanks to a donated crane, the T-Rex is now standing upright again, held up by wooden splints. And while the orange dino is expected to make a full recovery, I refuse to call off my initial cry for blood vengeance. The T-Rex is a respected local landmark and it’s defacement cannot and will not be taken lightly. We must send a strong message to all past, present, and future vandals: if you act as unruly as a rabid dog, then so shall you die like one. That’s my hardline quote for the news media. Enjoy it, quote it, obey it.

      Tragedy has struck Massachusetts. On Good Friday, one of the most holy of days in one of the most Catholic of states, a brutal murder occurred. The victim? The orange T-Rex at Route One Miniature Golf and Batting Cages in Saugus:

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      For 47 years, the 12 foot dinosaur has been a revered landmark among Massachusetts commuters. That ended sometime Friday night. While others were awaiting the resurrection of Christ, a group of savage vandals were causing the destruction of a beloved piece of Americana. The dinosaur was hit over and over again until the force from the beating caused it to snap off at the legs. This was the scene Monday morning:

      Not much is know about these cunts, aside from the fact that are unloved, male, and have incredibly small penises. They are believed to be inbred as well, but that has not yet been confirmed. Also, they like to suck each other off for fun.

      I for one will not tolerate such vile behavior in my state. Vengeance must be taken, and it must be taken in spectacular fashion. I am a strong believer that the purpose of law is to punish, not to rehabilitate, and that the punishment should fit the crime. In the case of the beloved orange dinosaur, I think Hammurabi’s Code should be invoked, the good old “eye for an eye” treament. The vandals severed the dinosaur’s legs at the ankles, pushed it over, and left it for dead; the same should be done to them.

These bastards seriously need to die. A lot.

      Today we have reached an exciting landmark in the history of SydLexia.com, for today marks the 100th installment of Fun With Search Engines. We probably would have arrived at this milestone sooner if I wasn’t so goddam lazy, but let’s not think about that. Instead, let us move forward and take a look at some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines during the week beginning March 25th and ending March 31st. Here they are…

1. peter jennings news – The latest news on Peter Jennings is that he’s still dead.

2. erin esurance nude – Isn’t it funny how no one ever searches for Pearl Slaghoople nude?

3. terrapin logo how to make drawings – By using a series of commands, procedures, and superprocedures. This is a supremely vague question. Do you fucking know ANYTHING about Terrapin Logo?

4. dragons fucking girls – I imagine that would require a whole lot of lube and even then, the girl would probably still get ripped in half.

5. punch out bad bull – His name is BALD BULL, motherfucker!

 
6. wwe soper stars – You fucking moron, soperstars is one word! Christ, EVERYONE knows that!

7. andrew jackson cartoon – Here’s something I threw together in under three minutes:

8. hot girls with bowed legs – Well…

I like to swimmin’ with bow-legged women and swim between their legs!
Swim between their legs!
Swim between their legs!
Yes, I like to go swimming with bow-legged women and swim between their legs!
Swim between their leeeeeeeeegs!

9. how many jaws games were created for the nes – Just the one.

10. neopets faeries hentai – You know what? Neopets sucks some major ass, so I’d actually kind of enjoy seeing their characters being subverted and perverted.

      This concludes FWSE #100. If you’re lucky, maybe there will eventually be a hundred more. Maybe even TWO HUNDRED more. Nah… I bet I’ll get bored before then.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      It’s time for yet another edition of Fun With Search Engines, the weekly site report where I take a look at some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into various search engines. This FWSE report is for the week beginning March 18th and ending March 24th. And now it begins…

1. nes games – They really exist. I’ve seen them.

2. ultimatefierce hentai – Um… WHAT!?

3. nes games new zealand story – TNZS was released for the NES as Kiwi Kraze:

 
4. fairly odd parents porn – I imagine that the words fairly odd and porn are NOT a winning search combination.

5. who said you could eat my cookies – Your roommate. He said you probably wouldn’t mind. He also said you’re kind of a dick and he didn’t really care if you got upset or not.

6. girls who like to flashing – Girls who like to flashing probably only hang out with boys who like to having a firm grasp of the English language.

7. yackety schmackety blah blah cartoon – That was Tazmania. Taz’s dad would say something like that.

8. cute beautiful girls raped roughly – Cute and beautiful are different degrees of prettiness, with beautiful being higher up on the chain than cute. Ergo, there’s no such thing as a cute beautiful girl; she’s either one or other. Oh, and rape is wrong.

9. is birdo a boy or a girl – Birdo was originally a boy, but it was retconned to be a girl.

10. super punch out how to beat macho man – Wait outside the venue in that dark alley over by the side door that competitors enter through. When Macho Man walks by, pull him into the shadows and slit his goddam throat. That how’s I did it anyway.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      Guess what? It’s once again time for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly site report where I take a look at some of the keywords that brought visitors to my site. This FWSE report is for the week beginning March 11th and ending March 17th.

1. kurtis stryker’s rocking page – Ah yes, the Stryker page. I haven’t checked Stryker’s e-mail in quite a while. I imagine it’s filled with spam, fan mail, and threatening letters from Captain Stabbin’s billing department. But mostly spam.

2. sly cooper hentai – NO MORE FUCKING HENTAI SEARCHES!!!

3. drink diet free pepsi cola in princess zelda vagina – I’m almost certain search was a plant. If it’s not, someone out there has some serious ass issues.

4. develop a game for the snes – You’re about ten years too late, kiddo. Why not develop a game for the GBA instead? It’s like a portable version of the SNES, and it will totally put out if you take it to the prom.

5. the real super mario world – You want to see a few screenshots of the REAL Super Mario World? Are you sure? Are you *really* sure? I warn you, these images will blow your fucking mind. Fine, you can see them. Prepare to be shocked:

It’s like a totally different game from the official U.S. release! That, or it’s exactly the same.

6. vulgarity in the grapes of wrath – I seem to recall the Okies being referred to as “shitheels” a few times, but aside from that, there wasn’t a whole lot of vulgarity. Steinbeck was above that. I, on the other hand, am not.

7. the duck game the one that can fly – I think it’s time for your meds.

8. lesson on how to play zelda on flute – There’s a flute that plays Zelda? That’s gotta be some flute.

9. batman cereal – And now, a shameless plug.

10. how much will nintendo 1985 teenage mutant ninja turtles game cost – That particular game will probably cost you upwards of $5 billion to obtain. First, you’re going to have hire a bunch of physicists and get them to scientifically prove that time travel is possible and define the mathematical circumstances under which it can be acheived. Then you’re going to hire some engineers to work with the physicists to develop and build a machine that’s capable of time travel. Once you have the actual time machine, you’re going to back in time to the early 80s, let’s say 1981, find two guys named Eastman & Laird, and help them to invent the Ninja Turtles and release the first TMNT comic three years before it debuted in our current timeline. Once the comic’s out, you’ll have to help them promote it and turn it into the merchandising juggernaut that it is today. If you are successful in doing this, you will almost definitely ensure that there’s a TMNT game available for the Nintendo Entertainment System when it launches in the United States on October 18, 1985. If you don’t have $5 billon dollars lying around, you can always play the 1989 Ninja Turtles game by Konami. The 1989 game is the earliest Nintendo TMNT game that exists in our current timeline and you can get it for like $6 on eBay. Oh, and it kinda sucks.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      That’s right, a new article is now up. In this fantastic piece of journalism, you’ll get to take a look at the concert t-shirts I’ve accumulated over the years. Read it. You know you want to.

      Yes, it’s time yet again for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring site report where I review some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into various search engines. This FWSE report is for the week beginning March 4th and ending March 10th. And here we go…

1. mega man 1 7 character list – That sounds a lot like this.

2. image dump – Apparently I’m on the second page of Google’s search results for “image dump”. I guess maybe it’s time for me to update it…

3. fatalities de ermac – Je ne comprends pas. Je ne parle pas français.

4. britney spears with no hair – Personally, I’d prefer Britney with no head. But since you asked for it, and since it’s not hentai, here you go:

 
5. snake fuck game – Uh… WHAT? The closest thing I can think of is Rattler Race, a game that was included in some versions of Windows. In the game, you control a snake who gets longer every time he eats an apple. In Freudian psychology, I’m pretty sure that counts as fucking.

 
6. erin esurance nude hentai – Pass.

7. best way to start original legend of zelda – Insert it into your Nintendo and press the POWER button. When the game boots up, it will tell you to press start; do so. Since this is your first time playing, you will need to register a new save file. Select REGISTER from the menu and input your name. When you are done, you will be returned to the main menu. Select your newly registered save file to start the game. When the game starts, you will find yourself in the center of the screen. You should immediately notice a cave hewn into the rocky terrain above you. Enter the cave and talk to the old man inside to obtain your first sword. Congratulations, you’re well on your way to becoming a ZELDA MASTER!!

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      Rejoice my friends, because it is time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly site feature where I take a look at some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into various search engines. This FWSE report is for the week beginning February 25th and ending March 3rd. Ready? Too bad, here it comes…

1. erin esurance nude – Here’s an idea: instead of searching for cartoon porn, why not do something constructive with your spare time? For instance, you could join the SPLL.

2. top ranked NES games – Well, since it’s one of the few NES games currently available on the Wii Virtual Console, I assume that Taito’s Legend of Kage *must* be one of the top ranked NES games. That or it’s completely fucking awful and the people at Nintendo are assholes for trying to trick people into paying money to play it. It’s definitely one of those two options.

3. dinosaurs – Dinosaurs rule, especially the Henson TV show.

4. maria lutzke – It’s funny how one random reference can get you hits.

5. seanbaby pretentious – Seanbaby, pretentious? In immortal words of Mandy Patinkin, “I do not think [that word] means what you think it means.”

6. police leather gloves – And now, here’s the obligatory FWSE image reply. I think it somes up my feelings on this search nicely:

 
7. how to fuck dead body – I’m just guessing here, but I imagine you’d do it in much the same fashion that you’d fuck a live body. You might need slightly more lube though.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      Now it’s time for Fun With Search Engines, the (weekly?) site report where I review some of the keywords that visitors to SydLexia.com typed into Google and whatnot. This FWSE covers the week beginning February 18th and ending February 24th. And here it comes…

1. is it true that michael jackson rapes little kids – It’s hard to say. In the eyes of the law, it is untrue. Michael Jackson certainly seems to enjoy hanging out with young boys, but no hard evidence exists that demonstrates the King of Pop has ever raped, molested, or otherwise violated any of those children. There are three main camps in the Michael Jackson debate. First, there’s the group of people who believe he’s guilty despite his acquittals. Then there’s his devoted fans who refuse to entertain any thought that he might be guilty despite the fact that he’s been accused several times. Finally, there’s the people who are completely sick of hearing about what Michael Jackson may or may not have done to one or more little boys and simply don’t care about it anymore; I belong to that group.

2. nes game cats – That’s not a lot to go on, but could it possibly be Rockin’ Kats, the 1991 cult classic from Atlus? For anyone unfamiliar with the game, it’s the story of a jazz-loving cat and his incredibly useful boxing glove gun:

 
3. how to make a fatality – Well, you could shoot someone in the face. Or you could drive your car through a crowded farmer’s market. Wait, is this a Mortal Kombat question?

4. fuck shorts – I concur, shorts are stupid. Guys should wear long pants at all times. Girls shouldn’t wear shorts either; skirts all the way.

5. mystery house adventure game – Hey, I’ve played the game. My Mystery House experience can been viewed HERE. Incidentally, it also serves as a convoluted walkthrough of the game.

6. monsters fucking girls – What type of monsters are we talking about here? The kind that have enough to tentacles to penetrate every opening on the human body, or the Adolf Hitler kind?

7. download mugen chars – I still haven’t tried MUGEN, but it looks damn cool Then again, I think Super Cosplay Ultra War is cool.

Well, that makes three weeks in a row. Now leave me alone.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      Monday is the day that new Virtual Console games come out, so I decided to check out the Wii Shop Channel and see what came out. The answer? Nothing special. Three games came out today, none of which are really worth my money. First there was Bio-Hazard Battle, a fairly obscure space shooter for the Sega Genesis. Then there was Chew Man Fu, an even more obscure puzzle game for the TurboGrafx-16. Since these were both first party games for their respective consoles, it would appear that Sega and Hudson are hoping to use the VC to squeeze some extra money out of the forgotten games in their back catalog. It’s a clever idea, but the price isn’t right. Who in the hell is going to pay $8 to download a Genesis game they’ve never heard of? Certainly not I. Maybe this is just me, but if I haven’t heard of an older game, I’m fairly skeptical of its quality. I’d want to try a Genesis game out before committing $8 to it, and through the magic of internet piracy, I can. Of course, then I don’t need to buy it. When pricing games for the Virtual Console, Nintendo needs to realize there is an ever delicate balance. Online piracy is thriving and there’s not really anything Nintendo can do to stop it; God knows the RIAA has tried. Does that mean Nintendo and others shouldn’t attempt to make money off their older games? Of course not. But they DO need to take piracy into consideration when pricing stuff. Nintendo needs to figure out what amount of money that people will be willing to pay to legally download old games rather than pirating them, especially when the game in question is not well-known. I don’t know exactly what that amount is, but I’ll give you a hint: it’s certainly not $8 for a Genesis game. But that’s not what really upsets me. No, it’s the third and final game released today that really pisses me off. The game? The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. Now, I’m not one of those assholes who thinks that the Zelda franchise died when it went to 3D; I fucking love OoT. Hell, I even agree that $10 for an N64 game is a fair price. But here’s the problem: Nintendo already gave me the game for free. TWICE.
 

      First there was the promotional copy of Ocarina of Time that I got for preordering the oft-maligned Wind Waker. The freebie disc contained not only Ocarina, but the Master Quest expansion for the 64DD as well. It may have just been a remapping of the game, but it was still cool. And as I mentioned before, this was the first of TWO promotions where Nintendo gave away free copies of OoT…
 

      My second free copy of Ocarina came almost a year later. Nintendo Power ran a promotion sometime in either late 2003 or early 2004 where NP subscribers could register three serial codes from select Nintendo Products and receive a special Zelda anthology for their Gamecube. The anthology included Zelda, Zelda 2, Ocarina, and Majora’s Mask. A Link To The Past was excluded because it had just been released for the GBA. Despite this omission, the Zelda anthology was probably the best freebie ever, even morese than the Portrait of Ruin preorder package. But that doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I have two copies of Ocarina that I can play in my Wii.

      Don’t misunderstand me, my gripe here is not that Nintendo should be giving away Ocarina of Time for free on the Virtual Console. I’m sure there are people out there who would appreciate it, but I could give a fuck less since I can already play it whenever I want. My gripe is that Nintendo isn’t catering to its diehard fans. Ocarina of Time is a great game, but releasing it on the VC is a waste of our fucking time. Gamecube owners had two separate chances to get their hands on the game, and those of us who wanted it, got it. We don’t NEED another opportunity to obtain it. And that of course says nothing of those of us who still have our N64s hooked up. Nintendo, give us something we haven’t seen before. Give us SimCity 64. Give us Sin And Punishment. That, or give us some good multiplayer games. Mario Kart 64 was a good start, now give us No Mercy and Goldeneye. Stop jerking us around.

      It’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring site report where I take a look at some of the keywords that visitors to SydLexia.com typed into search engines. This FWSE report is for the week beginning February 11th and ending February 17th. Don’t get up, because the show is about to begin…

1. shitty street fighter 1 1987 – Basically everything you need to know about Street Fighter I can be found in that search query. Street Fighter was released in 1987. It was really fucking shitty. THE END.

2. kill ultimatefierce – Hey now. UltimateFierce is good people. If you try and kill him, you’ll quickly find yourself up against the entire roster of the SydLexia.com forums. Believe me, you don’t want that. We have this one guy, Murdar Machene, he can maim a man five different ways with a hard-boiled egg.

3. bald chicks – Bald chicks are NOT attractive. Not even Robin Tunney in Empire Records. Not even Natalie Portman in V For Vendetta. And especially not the newly psychotic Britney Spears:

 
4. birdo porn – This is probably the most disturbing hentai search that I’ve ever seen. I can’t even begin to imagine how socially maladjusted a person would have to be to get off on Birdo porn. You know Birdo, right? The egg-spitting villain from SMB2? It looks like this:

      It’s sad to think someone could actually beat off to pictures of this thing getting fucked. Even sadder is the fact that if you turn off SafeSearch and do a Yahoo Image search for Birdo, the second picture is Toad giving it to Birdo up the ass. God, I hate the internet.

5. how much did 1989 batman make – According to IMDB, which is where you would have looked if you weren’t a fucking retard, Tim Burton’s Batman grossed an estimated $413,200,000 USD worldwide. And that’s just the box office take. The movie made an additional $150,500,000 in USA video rentals.

6. the wrld gams – You know what’s cool? VOWELS. You should try using more of them.

7. wwe is scripted – If I had a secretary, I’d tell her to file this under NO SHIT, SHERLOCK. I really wish I had a secretary, that would be awesome. And if she was also a nurse, a licensed teacher, and my friend’s hot mom, I could use her to fulfill just about every stereotypical male fantasy ever.

      Well, that was relatively painless. For those of you playing at home, I have successfully posted an FWSE each week for two consecutive weeks. Tune in next week to see I can make it three consecutive weeks or if I’ll fuck off and forget about it.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      Well, I finally got some new toys and you know what that means… at least I hope you do. Since it’s been a while, I guess I wouldn’t hate you too much if you didn’t know.

It means it’s time for a new comic.

      In news that could have been brought to your attention yesterday, Valdronius has joined the site staff. His first article, a review of Pocky & Rocky, is now up. Enjoy.

      So Sunday was my birthday. Consequently, I received some presents from my loving family members. From my grandmother, I received two DS games (Hotel Dusk, Rocket Slime) and a Wii remote. Hotel Dusk was purchased at a Target, while the remote and Rocket Slime were purchased at an Electronics Boutique in Canton, Massachusetts. After I had opened the package my grandmother told me the story of how she came by these items. She went into EB looking for a Wii-mote and expecting to walk out empty-handed but they actually had them. While she was there she attempted to procure Hotel Dusk as well but was told it was “impossible” to find. Unable to get that, she got me Rocket Slime. The clerk asked her if she wanted a new copy or used copy. Being as it was a present, she opted to get me a new copy… at least, that’s what she paid for.

      Today I decided to bust open Rocket Slime and play it. As I went to open the box, I noticed that it was not wrapped in plastic as new games usually are. Instead, there was just a translucent circluar sticker over the box. It was a USED copy. I was mildly annoyed by this, but I didn’t *really* care; since the DS games are cartridges, there was little chance of the game being damaged in any meaningful way. Upon opening the box, I immediately checked to see if the instruction manual and other assorted paper goods were in the box. I will probably never read these materials, but it’s nice to know I have them if I need them. Upon inspection, everything seemed to be in order on the left side of the case. Then I reached into the right side of the case to get the game. One small problem: THERE WAS NO FUCKING GAME IN THE CASE. So, to summarize:

1. My grandmother was charged for a new copy of a DS game.
2. She was given a used copy.
3. There wasn’t a game in the box they gave her.

      I’m really not surprised this happened; EB/GameStop is a fucking joke. While their video game selection is slightly better than retail stores like Target, Circuit City, and Best Buy, their stock and service rarely are. If you want to buy a video game at Best Buy, it’s a simple process: you walk in, look through the racks, take the games you want, and bring them to the register. At EB, it’s slightly more complicated. When you walk into one of their closet-sized stores, you have to go to the desk for service. Don’t let those boxes on the walls fool you, those are just there to show you what games they THINK they have in stock. But if you actually want to BUY a game, you’ll have to go to the counter and ask one of the store employees if they have it. Then you’ll have to wait while they rummage through their game cabinet to see if they have it. Oh, and you’ll probably have to wait in a line of about seven people before you actually get to this point. Of the seven people in front of you, at least three of them will be clueless parents with no less than two minutes worth of stupid ass questions apiece. Then when it’s finally your turn to inquire about the game you desire, they’ll probably just laugh at you and tell you should have preordered it. If for some reason they DO have the game you want, you’re still in for a world of shit. They’ll try to sell you an extended warranty that you don’t fucking need, then try to convince you to preorder everything from Halo 3 to Disney’s Herbie Rescue Rally. If you do decide to preorder a game, please note that it doesn’t actually guarantee you a copy on release day. Preordering a game is a lot like getting Fast Pass at Disney World; it just gives you a slightly shorter line to wait in. EB has no qualms about taking more preorders than they can fill, so you better be waiting outside the store before they open if you want to make sure your preorder is successfully filled.

      Back when EB was the only serious video game retailer in town, they could get away with their trademark poor service. These days, the gaming companies are getting sick of it. Nintendo in particular seems to taking special delight in screwing over EB. EB has been propagating a story that Hotel Dusk is “impossible” to find. THIS SIMPLY ISN’T TRUE. EB may not be getting many copies of it, but Nintendo is sending crates of the game to Target. Nintendo is also screwing over EB in the Wii deparment. I recently heard an EB employee bemoan the fact that Nintendo was only sending them 3-6 Wiis per shipment. You know why they’re only sending you asshole 3-6 Wiis per shipment? It’s easy, because they’re sending them all to better stores like Target, Wal*Mart, Best Buy, and Circuit City. These stores keep better hours than you, they’re cleaner, and they inherently attract more customers. Personally, I think Nintendo has the right idea. EB is like an aging goldfish; sure it was cute at first, but now it’s just taking up space. All you can do is stop feeding it and wait for it to die.

      On a completely unrelated note, Nintendo recently added The Legend of Kage to the Wii Virtual Console for the incredibly optimistic price of $5. In a just world, people who willingly paid money to play The Legend Of Kage would be spared from actually playing it. Instead, the Wii would download a streaming video of Reggie pointing and laughing. That, or they’d get five bullets to face.