So almost the end of the week and there’s still not an FWSE report up for *last* week. You probably think lazy ol’ Syd has forgotten about it, don’t you? Well, you’re wrong, because you just happen to be reading the Fun With Search Engines report for July 31st – August 6th. Who’s the asshole now? Oh wait, it’s still me. As always, these are real searches that visitors to my site typed into search engines. I don’t know who should be more embarrassed, me or them. Let’s get this over with:

1. gay bodybuilders can’t fight – My first inclination is that this query is a plant, but I can’t prove it. I don’t know why the fuck someone would look this up; everyone knows gay bodybuilders can’t fight.

2. streets of rage interesting – Most people don’t realize that if you include the word interesting in your search query, the engine will automatically filter out boring results. Of course, the reason most people don’t realize it is because I just made it up.

3. waler oct cobra pooter – At first, I thought this was German. As it turns out, they’re enemies from Hudson’s Adventure Island. I must be slipping. If I ever forget what a Goomba or a Koopa is, feel free to shoot me in the face.

4. you should not drink and bake – It’s true, and you can thank Mr. Schwarzenegger for that lovely piece of advice. Arnold knows his shit; that’s why he’s governor of California.

5. princess peach porn – Sometimes I wish I really did run a video game hentai site. Nerds everywhere are chomping at the bit to see naked pics of Princess Peach, Samus Aran, Jill Valentine, and Chun Li, so I could make an assload of money.

6. donkey lips – His fucking name is Donkeylips, you stupid fuck. Read the goddam Salute Your Shorts article and educate yourself.

7. worst nes games – The Worst NES Games That People Actually Played is easily one of my favorite articles that I’ve done to date. I am very surprised at the complete and total lack of hate mail that I’ve received over this article. Somewhere out there’s got to be at least one Skate or Die fan plotting my demise.

Well, that it’s for now. If any of you are on that super trendy MySpace site, feel free to add Syd Lexia to your friends list. Or don’t. Whatever.

Part 17 of the NES Drinking Saga is now up on the Comics page. So that’s good, I guess. I tried to add clickable smileys to the comment post form, but apparently the mod I applied only effects the form that I used to post news entries. WTF?

 
      In the Spring Cleaning Crapstravaganza, I said that my stuffed Bumblelion toy was thrown out long ago; I was wrong. I recently found him in a box in the attic. Sadly, after all that time in the storage, he just wasn’t the same. After seeing what the world had become since the 1980s, my Wuzzle friend quietly took his life. Bumblelion, I’m sorry I wasn’t a better friend and I hope you’re in a better place. Peace.

      In other news, an article on a book called The Mystery of Scented Mountain is up. You may enjoy it.

July 29, 1938 – August 7, 2005

 
      This site isn’t really about celebrity obits or current events on here, but I’ll make an exception for Peter Jennings. He was a great reporter who led an absolutely inspiring life. He brought people news for five decades and rose to the top of his profession through hard work, determination, and lots and lots of field reporting. And from 1983 until his leave of absence in April of this year, Jennings anchored ABC’s World News Tonight. Growing up in the 80s, he was always my favorite anchor; his delivery was charismatic and effortless. It never occured to me that he would lose his battle with lung cancer, I took it for granted that he’d recover and live to be as old and cranky as Andy Rooney. It’s a damn shame that didn’t happen. Rest in peace, good sir.
 
      I really wish Dan Rather had broken the story of Peter Jennings’ death; then it would have turned out to be an inaccurate and embarrassing lie. Sorry, that was in bad taste.
 

      Well, the forums still aren’t up and the latest article still isn’t quite done, but I’m back with yet another installment of Fun With Search Engines. As always, these are real queries that visitors to my site typed into search engines. This FWSE report covers the week starting 7/24 and ending 7/30.
 
1. poison 80s rock band – Dear God, I seem to have stumbled upon a secret internet plot to kill Night Ranger with cyanide pills. FUCK! That, or this person was searching for information on an actual 80s rock band called Poison who kicked all kinds of ass. Personally, I think the cyanide plot is more plausible.

2. ninja costume pattern how to – What the fuck? How goddam hard is it to make a ninja costume? Buy a black sheet. Wrap yourself in it. Abraca-fucking-dabra, you’re a ninja.

3. who can beat ryu – Anyone, if you’re good enough. Ken and Akuma are both much cooler anyway.

4. ninja boss giant jump throw – Again with the goddam ninjas. You know, before the internet existed, ninjas were cool. Now inbred retards who can barely string together a sentence throw around the word ninja like it’s a frisbee in the campus quad.

5. moonwalker michael sega penis – To the best of my knowledge, Sega has never made a game with cock in it aside from Amy Rose Hentai Adventure Plus. And since I just made that last one up, that brings the grand total of X-rated Sega games to ZERO. However, I think Sega Penis is my new favorite phrase.

6. transcripts laguna beach mtv – Since this search came up again, I’ve decided to provide a complete transcript of the entire series. Enjoy.

    Lauren Conrad: I hope watching my life makes you feel bad about your own pathetic existence!
    Kristin Cavallari: I am retarded and one-dimensional.
    Stephen Coletti: Let’s go skinnydipping, bitches!
 
7. prepubescent boy pictures – No. NO. NO! DIE.

And that’s how we do it. Tune in next week.

      I’ve decided to add forums to the site. They should be up by the end of the week. They’re fully functional right now, but they’re still in need of some modding and style changes. Hopefully, the forums will give us a chance to discuss things that exist outside the realm of FWSE and the NES Drinking Saga.

Part 16 of the NES Drinking Saga is now up on the Comics page. So if you’ve been waiting for a new one, now you have it. Also, the Donkeylips petition still needs more signatures.

      It’s time once again for Fun With Search engines, the recurring SydLexia.com site report where I do a rundown of some of the keywords that site visitors typed into various search engines. None of these, no matter how stupid or bizarre they may seem, have been faked by me; I have *slightly* better things to do with my time. This FWSE report covers the week starting 7/17 and ending 7/23. Enjoy!

1. drinking old soda – Drinking old soda is a lot like teenage suicide. (Don’t do it!)

2. the real super mario bros three – Nice try, but Super Mario Bros. 2 is the only Mario game to have significantly different releases in the US and Japan. There is but one game called Super Mario Bros. 3 and Muhammad is its prophet. Or something like that.

3. turn them into a baby – That’s not a complete sentence or even complete thought. Turn WHO into a baby? I want to know. I hope this isn’t part of some stupid Wiccan incantation or some shit like that. I fucking hate Wiccans.

4. sydlexia dissect – Is that a threat? IS THAT A FUCKING THREAT!? Don’t mess with me, junior. I will kick your ass so hard that it flies up through your stomach into your head and explodes. Then you’ll be dead & smelly and no one will go to your funeral. Ha.

5. will kids incorporated ever be released on dvd? – With any luck, no. There are much better things can and should be released on DVD instead. Things that people like me would actually buy. Things like The State. Things like The Monster Squad.

6. best music videos ever – Maybe someday I’ll do that list, but it probably won’t be anytime soon. Until then, you’ll have to find someone else to tell you what’s cool and what isn’t. Or you could think for yourself. Just a thought.

7. did disturbed do a song about metroid – No. Some jackass using the pseudonymn Disturbed did a cover of the Kraid theme from the original NES Metroid game. It’s a decent track, but the fucker either didn’t realize that there’s a popular rock band called Disturbed or he hoped the confusion caused by using the same name would garner him additional attention. I guess it has. Perhaps the real Disturbed will turn up the soundtrack for next year’s Metroid movie. Of course, Nine Inch Nails would be a much better choice because Trent Reznor is better at atmospheric music and he’s a fan of the franchise.
 
 
That’s all. Go back to your homes.

      For anyone who cares, Part 15 of the NES Drinking Saga is now up on the Comics page. On a sadder note, the Michael Bower Needs Work petition has yet to collect even 100 signatures. Let’s see if we can amend this situation in a timely fashion.

      It’s finally time for another edition of Fun With Search Engines. Apparently it’s been two weeks since the last FWSE and another two weeks since the once before that. That’s inexcusable. Fun With Search Engines is supposed to be a weekly enterprise and I’ve let time get away from me. For anyone who doesn’t know, FWSE is a (usually) weekly analysis of various queries that visitors to SydLexia.com typed into search engines. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re not, but they are all 100% real. This FWSE report covers the two week period starting on July 3rd and ending on July 16th. Enjoy.

1. bandai sucks – Yes, they do. I’m glad someone else gets it. Bandai sucks at almost everything they do and yet they somehow manage to subsist. The only logical explanation is that totalitarian governments that shun the free market are forcing their citizens to buy Bandai games and toys. Someone better get Geraldo Rivera on the case.

2. old wwf divas – Unless you’re a sick fuck and you’re talking about Mae Young and Fabulous Moolah, there’s no such thing as old WWF divas. The WWE Diva Search is just an excuse to put pretty but talentless whores on your TV screen. In the olden days, the women in the WWF were all either managers, valets, or wrestlers, and they had storylines. When was the last time you saw Christy Hemme do anything other than act like a stupid whore? How about NEVER?

3. sly cooper hentai – This stupidass search string keeps coming up. And by mocking it, I’m only going to ensure that it keeps coming up. The internet was not created so that you could find something to whack off to, especially something as sad as video game porn; that’s what P2P is for. Now fuck off.

4. opening theme – TO WHAT? I have absolutely no patience for ambiguity.

5. christy hemme sucks – Wow, it’s like my own personal Christmas. First someone else who hates Bandai found my site then someone else who hates Christy Hemme found my site. Hating stuff is awesome.

6. hulk hogan’s the me am a real american lyrics american guy – This brings me to my next point: DON’T SMOKE CRACK. This message has been brought to you by your local Street Fighter II cabinet.

 
 
7. jennifer wilbanks bitch – Once again, I totally agree.

8. laguna beach tv show transcripts – If there ever comes a time when transcripts of crappy reality shows based on fashionable teen dramas are available for your reading pleasure, I’m pretty sure that’s when Jesus will return to Earth for the final judgment. When that happens, it’s a pretty safe bet that I’m going to purgatory.

9. sub zero fucking sindel – Why Sub-Zero fucking Sindel? Why not Scorpion fucking Sindel or Liu Kang fucking Kitana? You have no right to demand such oddly specific MK porn. Your unmitigated gall sickens me.

10. stare at an eclipse while screaming at it – That’s how my dad met my mom. True story. But seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?

11. meatloaf’s real name – Meatloaf’s real name is Marvin Lee Aday. You might remember him from movies such as Spice World and Americathon. At least, you would if you wasted precious moments of your life watching second-rate movies that the mainstream has long since forgotten about. Otherwise you’ll remember him as Bitch Tit Bob from Fight Club or for all those songs he did.

12. super mario physics – My brief comparison of SMB physics versus the physics of the real SMB2 probably it’s quite as in-depth as what this person was hoping to find. But maybe it was. Either way, it’s interesting.
 
 
      And with that, another FWSE has come to an end. I know it’s sad, but it is also the natural order of things. Until next time, I’m lazier than I wish I was.

      Believe it or not, my much-delayed new article is up on the main page. I’m sorry for making you wait so long. The Worst NES Games You Might Have Actually Played is inevitably controversial and currently unproofread. Hopefully it will entertain more people than it upsets.

      As I promised here, the third consecutive NES Drinking Saga in as many days has made its triumphant debut on the Comics page. Ten SydLexia.com Fun Bucks will be awarded to anyone who can name the NES game I borrowed a sprite from. This one is a lot more obscure than Link To The Past.
 
 
DISCLAIMER: SydLexia.com Fun Bucks are not redeemable anywhere, especially SydLexia.com.

      In my desperate rush to produce an article that still remains unfinished, I somehow missed an FWSE. As a result, this super edition of Fun With Search Engines will cover two weeks, starting with 6/19 and going up through 7/02. If you’re unfamiliar with FWSE, here’s how it works. Every week I review my site logs and see what sort of keywords people who found my site through search engines used. Then I list whichever ones strike my fancy and comment on them, which usually means I degrade some idiot who was searching for hentai, MTV’s Boiling Points, or something equally retarded. So once again, these are all actual searches that visitors to my site typed into search engines; I am not making this shit up. Dig it? Then let’s begin.

1. legend of zelda tips – Aside from a FAQ that tells you the location of that last fucking heart container that you just can’t seem to find or a dungeon location in the second quest, what possible help could anyone need with original The Legend of Zelda game? None, unless you’re functionally retarded. If that’s the case, here are my Top Secret Legend of Zelda Tips.

2. plumber fucking video game – Pass.

3. streets of rage – There’s nothing funny about this search, but it does give me the opportunity to talk about how fucking pissed I am at Sega of America right now. In August, Sega will be releasing an old school gaming collection for the Gamecube called Sonic Gems that includes some of the more obscure Sonic titles like Sonic CD and Sonic R. The Japanese version of the game will include ALL THREE STREETS OF RAGE. When I first heard about this, I was pretty friggin’ psyched. Sadly it has since been reported that the limp-wristed morons at Sega of America were worried about getting a teen rating so they replaced the three Streets of Rage games with both Vectorman games. Not only are North Americans getting a worse series, we’re also getting one less game. This pisses me off for several reasons. First of all, Streets of Rage isn’t particularly violent and Sega probably could have pushed for an E10+ rating if they had been so inclined. Secondly, WHO FUCKING CARES IF THE GODDAM GAME WOULD HAVE GOTTEN A TEEN RATING? Maybe I’m missing something here, but I don’t think six-year-olds are gonna line up to play Sonic CD. The game is damn fun, but the graphics are pretty dated and children are stupid, fickle bastards. Sonic Mega Collection already gave us all the essential games, the ones that most people want to play. A collection like Sonic Gems appeals to nostalgists, retro gamers, and Sega’s hardcore fanbase. And guess what? NONE OF THOSE PEOPLE ARE UNDER THIRTEEN. I’m mad as hell about this but I’m not surprised. Sega is notorious for making bad business decisions. When will those assholes learn? Will it be soon?

4. bowser fucks princess peach – Well, in Super Mario Sunshine, Bowser did claim that Princess Peach was Bowser Junior’s mother. He was lying, of course. I wanna know what happened to the Koopa Kids, they were infinitely better than Bowser Junior.

5. is it bad to put magnets on your computer tower – No, by all means go ahead. Although magnets have been known to ruin monitors and floppy disks, if you stick one on the side of your computer, it will actually make your processor go faster. Magnetic fields have also been known to retrieve documents that you forgot to save as well as protect you from all known computer viruses. Hell, you really can’t afford NOT to put magnets on your computer tower.

6. michael jackson baby rape game – Even bad taste has its limits. DIE.

7. every show that’s ever been on nickelodeon – I know I can fucking do this. Let’s see… there was Cousin Skeeter, Guts, Don’t Just Sit There, Super Sloppy Double Dare, The Tomorrow People, Pinwheel, Today’s Special, The Mystery Files of Shelby Woo, Count Duckula, Bananaman, Get the Picture, Spartakus and the Sun Beneath the Sea, Hey Dude, The Monkees, Dennis the Menace, Lassie, Kablam!, The Fairly OddParents, and Roundhouse. There, that’s all of them. Oh wait, and Global Guts too. Do I win anything?

8. Is diet coke going to change the kind of sweetner used – I would hope that after the whole New Coke fiasco that Coca-Cola learned their fucking lesson about changing the formula in popular drinks. Splenda is fucking crap and if that shit somehow becomes the industry standard, I’ll go Rambo on someone’s ass.

9. pussy punch dirty fighter – I have no idea what in the hell someone would expect to find with a query like this, but it reminds me of Jack Black’s song from the Mr. Show movie, Run Ronnie Run.

10. she finishes him off – This is a really vague search and I have no way of ever knowing what the person was looking for, especially because it came through Google Italia. But since an estimated 75% of people on the internet are peverted retards, I’m gonna assume it had something to do with handjobs. Instead, my Mortal Kombat article came up and I got a hit that I didn’t really earn. Sweet for me, disappointing for masturbating Italians.

      I’m done with this. If you’re looking for something else to entertain you, Part XIII of the NES Drinking Saga is up. I’ll have some new articles up soon. They’re already way overdue and I apologize. I’ve been in a summer slump of laziness, but that’s *probably* going to change.

      I have no idea how in the fuck this happened, but it’s been over a month since the last installment of the NES Drinking Saga. In order to remedy this situation, Part XII is now available for your reading pleasure on the Comics page. Enjoy.

      A new article is up, this time on Capcom’s Quiz & Dragons. I know exactly what I want to do for the next article, so hopefully I’ll have it up by the end of tomorrow. Maybe not though. Being able to conceptualize what I want to do doesn’t always quickly translate into a well-written article.

      Even if Quiz & Dragons doesn’t interest you, you can at least take my Quiz & Dragons Trivia Challenge. You damn well better take it. Please? If that STILL doesn’t suit your fancy, then you can watch drunken college kids destroy an N64 controller. With a power drill.

      This news is about a week old, which is forever in internet time, but I figured I’d throw it out there anyway because I’m still annoyed about it. Jennifer Wilbanks, the stupid bitch who faked her own disappearance when she didn’t want to get married, sold the rights to her story. There’s going to be a TV movie about her retarded shenanigans. My question is this: WHO IN THE FUCK IS GOING TO WATCH THAT TV MOVIE? It’s not a particularly compelling or entertaining story and it’s certainly not worthy of 60-120 minutes of your time; this woman is no Lorena Bobbitt. Hell, she’s not even on par with Amy Fisher. I can sum up the whole story in one graphic:
 

      Fuck off and die, you stupid bitch. I can think of about 1,000 people who deserve a TV deal more than you. Like for instance, Alex Winter. Or me.

…and I’m back for Fun With Search Engines #24. In this very special half-assed edition, we’ll be taking a look at search queries from 6/12 through 6/18. As always, these are real keywords that visitors to SydLexia.com typed into search engines. FWSE should not be taken internally. If ingested, immediately flush your system with water and consult a physician or poison control.

1. pepsi blue failed – Yes it did. It even failed in Japan, where people love weird shit and bright colors, so that should give you an indication of just how badly it failed.

2. what does michael jacksons kids look like? – A better question is this: is our children learning? Clearly not, if this passes for grammar. Verb-noun agreementL learn it, love it, use it.

3. dragaon games – Every once in a while, FWSE helps me catch a typo. For example, Tip 10 in the NES Game Packs article was listed as “Double Dragaon”, which is pretty embarrassing. I could have just changed it and denied it ever happened, but I don’t do things that way.

4. blaze fielding from streets of rage is fucking hot – Yeah, I guess. I think someone’s had too much G4, where “too much” is defined as more than five minutes.

5. hulk hogan sucks – No, YOU suck.

6. antique potato head shoes – antique and potato head do not belong in the same sentence. Ever.

7. vincent price iron maiden – It never happened. The spoken intro to “The Number of the Beast” is just a reasonable facsimile therof.

And that’s that. I know that kinda sucked and I’m sorry. FWSE keeps getting harder and harder to do.

      So I logged onto my old AOL account this morning to check my mail. AOL always finds new ways to disappoint me. While their spam filter has gotten noticeably better, they got rid of newsgroup support a few months ago. That really pissed me off. When I logged on today, I was greeted by this graphic:
 
 

 
      While this did remind me that I’m fucked because I still need to get my dad a Father’s Day present, I could help but feel like the dad in that graphic looked familiar. Then I realized why: it’s Professor Utonium from Powerpuff Girls:
 
 

      The style of AOL graphic looks a lot more like Genndy Tartakovsky’s Samurai Jack style than Craig McCracken’s PPGs. But since Genndy was the art director for Powerpuff Girls and since he isn’t doing anything right now, I have no doubt in my mind that AOL Time Warner has locked the poor bastard in a basement somewhere and forced him to design and draw their lameass welcome screen graphics. The media conglomerate does own Cartoon Network and they are pretty evil, so I’m almost positive I’m right.

      In conclusion, fuck AOL. At least when I misuse other people’s classic characters, I make it fun.

Yes, it is once again time for FWSE, a site feature which is always weird and sometimes entertaining, where I report on select keywords that actual visitors to the SydLexia.com typed into search engines. This report spotlights various keywords that were used between 6/5/05 and 6/11/05.

1. girls gone wild commercials uncut – Yeah, so Chris Elliot just called. He said you need to get a life. He also wants you to sign as many online petitions are you so that Get A Life gets released on DVD. Now regardless of whether or not you liked his TV show, I strongly suggest you take his first bit of advice.

2. cheap priced freddy claws – With a gardening glove, some skewers, a pair of pliers and some rudimentary sewing skills, you can make you very own Freddy claw for $20. Whether you want to terrorize your own Elm Street or just kill one particular douchebag, this is a fun and economical way to do. Besides, killing is always more fun when you made the weapon yourself. Just ask Teddy Kaczynski.

3. how to do brutalities in ultimate mortal kombat 3 arcade version – You can’t and why the fuck would you want to? Brutalities suck.

4. dead or alive xtreme beach volleyball porn – Fuck Dead Or Alive, fuck the DOA volleyball game, fuck softcore porn, fuck Tecmo, and fuck whoever searched for this.

5. birthday for mortal kombat character sub zero – As I stated once or twice in the past, it would seem that stoned idiots that type random shit into search engines account for the silent majority of the 300-500 hits that I’ve been averaging daily. I don’t understand why any rational person would care what a video game character’s exact age or DOB is. If you can’t estimate a character’s age by looking at him or her, then the programmers didn’t do a very good job making the game. Giving characters a fixed age is a bad idea, since characters rarely age and video games rarely take place in specific years; classic video game characters like Mario, Sonic, and Pac-Man are timeless. But if we know that Jill Valentine was X years old in 1999, that makes it awfully hard for Capcom to reuse her 20 or 30 years down the line. Besides, why would I ever give a fuck that Voldo from Soul Calibur is in his 50s? The only thing worse than making up DOBs for video game characters is giving them BLOOD TYPES. If you are honestly interested in whether or not Nina Williams could receive a successful transfusion from Jim Kazama, you really ought to kill yourself. I recommend vodka and painkillers. If it was good enough for the lovely Miss Elizabeth, it’s good enough for your stupid ass.

But going back to the subject of imaginary anniversaries, I hereby decree that December 11 shall henceforth be Sub-Zero’s Birthday (Observed). Also, October 20th is now officially Rex Manning Day.

6. michael jackson video gangsters – That’s sounds a lot like the “Smooth Criminal” segment from Moonwalker, not to mention every level of both Moonwalker video games.

7. hentai show iv warcraft 3 – I don’t know what this means and I have no intention of finding out. Sometimes innocence is bliss.

Well, that’s all for now. Who wants to bet that this week’s article will be late? Recent history and the Vegas bookies are on your side.

The following message has been paid for by Randy Savage, Randy Savage, and Randy Savage:

      Oh yeeeeeeeeeeah! This is the Macho Man coming atcha in triple vision! I’m here to tell you not to read Syd’s latest article on Hulk Hogan’s “Hulk Rules” CD. Hulk Hogan is a punk and his album is like piss in a sink. If you want to listen to REAL music, buy my CD instead. It’s called “Be A Man” and it will snap your mind. Oh yeeeeeeeeeeah!