The long-awaited NES Drinking Saga, Part III is finally up.

      This is the weekly search engine report for 2/20 through 2/26. Once again, these are actual queries that people who visited my site typed into Yahoo, Google, MSN, and whatever other search engines the kids are using these days. Remember AltaVista? Of course you don’t.

1. arcade game with a fight fat bald guy – Well, that could be almost any arcade game. Hell, it could even be Pac-Man; those ghosts didn’t have any fucking hair. I actually sympathize with this person. I too have typed vague searches into various engines in the hopes of finding the name of some video game or cartoon that I can only barely remember. Unfortunately, it never worked for me. I only found the names of Karateka and SuperTed by sheer coincidence. I hope this person had better luck than I did. I also hope that it wasn’t fucking Karnov.

2. marvel vs capcom 3 – There will probably never be a Marvel vs. Capcom 3, but there will be another dozen Capcom vs. SNK games. Too bad that Capcom vs. SNK is teh suck. The only Capcom/SNK collaboration that I would be interested in playing is Mega Man vs. Metal Slug. Now THAT would be interesting. If anyone out there wants to ever see an MVC3, write angry letters to Marvel Comic’s corporate office and tell them that they’re douchebags. That should work; assholes in suits love being told that they’re wrong and often cave in to public pressure. Oh wait, they have no accountability to the public… I guess we’re fucked. Whatever you do, leave Stan Lee out of this. Sure, kidnapping the old man and holding him hostage would be very easy. The only problem is that the Marvel corporation doesn’t give a shit about Stan Lee.

3. nancy everhard – For the last month or so, I have been getting two or three Nancy Everhard queries a week. What the fuck? Take a look at heracting career. Aside from a few guest appearance, she has never been in anything worth watching. I just don’t get it.

4. penelope miller drink schwarzenegger – I guess I’ll never know for sure what the hell this person was trying to find. I can be pretty confident it wasn’t my Weirdest Arnold Movie Moments though.

5. santa’s grotty christmas – Christmas was 2 months ago, why are you looking this up now? The twenty minutes that I spent playing this game were some of the most excrutiatingly painful minutes of my life. I had tried to block that game out of my mind, but the memories have resurfaced. Thanks a lot, asshole.

6. fucking preteens – AGAIN!? This is the second fucking time this has happened. This search came from the IP 206.116.226.2. Someone please track this asshole down and slit his goddam throat.

7. adventure island quiller – If you know that one of the enemies in Adventure Island is named quiller, then you probably know enough about the game that you didn’t need to Google it. Oh well, I’ll gladly take the hit.

 
      And we’re done. If I keep more hits from sick fucks, I just might have to become a vigilante. If I die in the process, please don’t let them cast Christian Bale or Neil Patrick Harris as me in the big screen adaptation of my story.

Sorry about the recent lack of updates. I’ve been sick all week. I’ll have some new shit up soon, hopefully Saturday afternoon. If it’s not up by then, I’m afraid you won’t see anything until Monday. I’m going to a Motley Crue concert on Saturday night and I’ll be recovering on Sunday. In any case, I’m going to work twice as hard next week to make up for all the slacking that occurred this week.

Yeah… so I added an About page. It can be found in the links section to the right.

The first ever SydLexia.com Mailbag is up. Enjoy.

      Hunter S. Thompson killed himself two days ago, which sucks pretty hard. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas is one of my all-time favorite books. The weird thing is, I wrote an e-mail to Mr. Thompson a few days before he died. I hope it didn’t have anything to do with his suicide. Catholic guilt is turning me inside out.

      And now it’s time for the ever-so-exciting seventh installment of Fun With Search Engines. You should know how it goes by now. If you don’t, read some back issues. These are the search queries for 2/13 through 2/19. Let’s roll…

1. bride cut the cake – What kind of a dumbass search is this? As an image search, it’s not unreasonable. Unfortunately, this wasn’t an image search because very few of my images have helpful names. Anyone can cut a fucking cake. Why would someone need to see pictures of strangers’ weddings? Is it some sick voyeuristic obsession? Is it total boredom? I could guess all day and never figure it out, but I have better things to do. At any rate, it led to my November Rain feature.

2. www.timekillers.com – This is another retarded search. Why the fuck would someone type a website name into a search engine? Why wouldn’t that person TYPE IT INTO THE FUCKING ADDRESS BAR??? These searches are giving me an aneurysm.

3. mask theme song lyrics kommand – I already have the M.A.S.K. intro available for download, so I might as well post the song lyrics:

Masked crusaders working overtime fighting crime, fighting crime!
Secret raiders who will neutralize soon as they arrive at the site!
Trakker’s gonna lead the mission
And Spectrum’s got such super vision…
MASK – is the mighty power that can save the day!
MASK – no one knows what lies behind their mad charades!
MASK – always riding hot on VENOM’s trail…
Come see their laser rays fire away!

NOTE: Some people claim the lyrics is masquerade(s) and not mad charades, but those people are dirty liars.

4. zz ziff – She was cute, I’d do her. I’d do it proper too. I might even call her the next day, cuz I’m classy like that.

5. guys in muscle shirts – This would be acceptable albeit gay as an image search. As a Yahoo search, it’s just gay. I don’t have an article on Cocksmoking 101, so this search inevitably led to my Bad Dudes page.

6. harry armpits – To the best of my knowledge, this is a Garbage Pail Kids reference. You can expect to eventually see an article on the GPKs here.

7. salute your shorts downloads – Hey, I have one of those! If I had more server space, I would have put up more clips. But I don’t.

      I’ll wrap this up with a random shout out to CommandoFans.com, a site dedicated entirely to the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie Commando. Someone linked to me on their message board, so I decided to return the favor. They’ve even invented their own drinking game. Check it out. As for my site, this week’s article will go up whenever it’s done.

Today is my birthday, so here’s a new article.

Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s drinking time.

      Now it’s time for the sixth installment of Fun With Searches, this time it’s for the week starting 02/06 and ending 02/12. Here goes nothing…

 
From 2/08:

1. nancy everhard images – The irony here is that the only time Nancy Everhard was ever mentioned on my site was in another edition of FWSE, where I mentioned she starred in a movie called The Deathstone that shouldn’t be confused with the MASK episode of the same name. That one obscure reference brought me a hit. Score.

2. november rain meaning – Why does everyone want to know what November Rain means? Can’t you just enjoy the beautiful cinematography and amazing music? Apparently not.

 
From 2/09:

1. m.a.s.k. kenner helmet variations – Sorry, but that information requires far more research than I am willing to put into this site. I know that Kenner altered Matt Trakker’s Spectrum mask at one point because it wouldn’t stay on the damn toy, but I have no idea which other helmets (if any) were modified over the years for the toyline. I am not a hardcore toy collector, so that type of thing doesn’t particularly interest me.

2. ibuki geki – Some people have nothing better to do than search for obscure Street Fighter characters. Meanwhile, I have nothing better to do than write about obscure Street Fighter characters. It’s a perfect match. Welcome to my site.

3. budnick salute – Someone tried to use my Budnick pic in an offsite forum and that didn’t work out so well for that person. Then she rehosted it on photobucket and everyone lived happy every after.

 
From 2/10:

1. street fighter geki screenshots – What the fuck, was it International Geki Appreciation Week or something? I wouldn’t have expected two Geki-related hits in the same year, much less with a day of each other. I ain’t complaining though, any hit is a good hit. Well, except the next one…

2. fucking preteens – If you use the word fuck as often as I do, sick fucks will find your site by accident. People who search for fucking the kidnapped president, fucking ninja dogs, or just about any other bizarre taboo with the word “fuck” in it might stumble across my site. The person who did this particular search had 24.21.134.106 as their IP. Burn in hell, you fuckwit. The really depressing thing is that according to Alexa’s traffic statistics, NAMBLA’s website is over ten times more popular than mine. Apparently pop culture isn’t as marketable as sex with boys. I guess I’ll have to review Michael Jackson’s Sega game soon if want my site to be viable.

3. mobile armored strike kommand downloads – MASK brought in a lot of hits this week. When I finally get around to doing a You Can’t Do That On Television feature, it should generate even more traffic. MASK is cool and all, but YCDTOTV kicks ass.

 
From 2/11:

1. michael bower donkey lips – I’ve made it pretty clear already that SYS is a popular draw for the site. This particular search is only of note because I have always spelled Donkeylips in its correct compound form but this misspelled query still brought up my site as a result. I guess search engines are smarter than I thought.

 
From 2/12:

1. rip off madballs Was there a rip-off of Madballs? I’m intrigued now. My comment about Madballs rip-offs was made in reference to a Smash TV boss, but it wouldn’t surprise me if there had been imitation Madballs. Those things were the shit.

 
That’s enough for this week. Rock on. The next article will go up Thursday night or Friday afternoon… and it just might be Schwarzenegger-related.

      According to Alexa, SydLexia.com is currently the 3,887,918th most popular site on the web, which makes me roughly half as popular as Satanism101.com. Thanks to everyone who made this possible.

      If you’re looking for new content, there’s always Saturday’s Streets of Rage review.

For the second part of the NES drinking saga, click here. As it turns out, the sidebar makes it very inconvenient to post the pics directly in the blog. Sorry.

      Sadly, this post has nothing to with Nightmare on Elm Street. Instead, it marks the triumphant return of Fun With Search Engines. Today, we’ll be looking at some search engines queries made between 1/30/05 and 2/05/05 that brought people to my site.

1. boiling points mtv gun – This isn’t the first time that the MTV’s Boiling Points brought a vistor to my site, and it probably won’t be the last. In fact, here’s a sentence with all four of those keywords: I would like to shoot anyone who watches Boiling Points on MTV with a gun. The only time that I ever mentioned Boiling Points was in regards to how much MTV sucks. The sooner America’s youth learns that MTV sucks, the better our future will be.

2. mask yellow helicopter cartoon – Now here’s a hit that I’m not ashamed to take. The ironic thing is: although there was a yellow helicopter on MASK, the two words never appear consecutively in my Deathstone article. Consequently, if this person had used a more specific search, my page wouldn’t have come up.

3. michael bower salute your shorts – I’ve received several hits from people who searched for Donkeylips, but this is the first time that someone found my site by searching for the actor who played him. This one simple search query has enegerized me to change the world for the better. I am issuing a call to all Michael Bower enthusiasts out there, sign this petition:

      Michael Bower Needs Work

      As everyone knows, online petitions are the single most effective way to get what you want. The reason that they work is because movie and television executives don’t actually do any real work. They just sit around in their offices all day jacking off and reading message boards moderated by Dark Angel fanboys. At least, that’s the only way I can explain the existence of Son of the Mask.

4. teenage bedwetters – I don’t know and I don’t want to know… I bet it’s some crappy new emo band. I don’t remember ever using the word “bedwetter” but it seems that I did in my Are You Afraid of the Dark? article.

5. www.babykill.com – I have no idea what search engine this person used, but it wasn’t Google, Yahoo, or MSN. Regardless, it brought up my MASK page, which refers to the American presence in Iraq as Operation Iraqi Babykill in a sarcastic attack on hysterical opponents of U.S. foreign policy.

6. cold november rain wedding scene – Even though Axl Rose hasn’t released anything in years, or perhaps because of it, Guns N’ Roses still fascinate people and enjoy substantial radio play on some stations. I have absolutely no problem with the fact that I help to sustain that fascination.

7. time killers released 1992 – Apparently I’m not the only person on this godforsaken planet who remembers Time Killers. That’s nice.

      That’s enough for this week. If you’re looking for something else to read, there’s always the Mega Man article. I’m outta here.

      I named this post “SYDLEXIA.COM IS NOT A WEBCOMIC” and that title doesn’t lie. This is mainly due to the fact that I have no artistic talent whatsoever. Still, that won’t stop me from bringing you the NES Drinking Saga, which I will continue to do until I get bored with it or until it becomes less funny than The Wizard of Id. I’m usually fairly easily amused and The Wizard of Id is very banal, so this could keep going for a long time. Garfield is also a huge source of inspiration for me. Expect me to give up after a couple years and start recycling the same five jokes about stealing food, Mondays, spiders, kicking dogs, and sleeping.

CLICK HERE FOR THE NINTENDO DRINKING SAGA, PART I

There will be no search engine report this week, because the results aren’t even remotely interesting. Entertain yourself with the recent Street Fighter article instead. Here’s an animated GIF of Geki to get you in the mood:

      It’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, where I report some of the queries that were typed into search engines by people who viewed my site. This report is for 1/16 – 1/22. This was kind of a slow week but I’ve already started typing, so fuck it. And we’re off…

1. adventure island instruction booklet – The Adventure Island instruction booklet is one of the most incredibly useless documents ever printed. As I discussed in my review of the game, the instruction booklet offers little information on playing the game and even less backstory. But if you just *have* to experience its horribleness for yourself, Vimm’s Lair is probably your best bet. They have full scans of many NES booklets in PDF format.

2. what sabertooth tiger eats – I feel mildly bad that some 3rd grader doing a report on prehistoric times might have accidentally stumbled onto my site, since SydLexia.com is highly inappropriate for little children. I would feel worse, but it’s not my fucking fault; parents should not let preteens use the internet unfiltered or unsupervised.

3. mobile armored strike kommand -m.a.s.k. – Not only does MASK totally fucking rule, but I also did an article on it. Score.

4. are you afraid of the dark kiki betty ann gary – Every week, the Are You Afraid Of The Dark? article brings visitors to the site. This week is no exception.

Well, that’s it. Sorry it’s not more exciting. See you next time.

Fuck. There’s like two feet of snow on the ground here and fuck if I’m gonna shovel it.

Also, a Motley Crue article went up on the main page like a day or two ago if you’re interested. And you damn well better be.

      As a visitor to my site, there is very little chance that you will ever get an Error 500 message. But if you ever did, this is what you would probably see unless the fuck-up was really, really bad:

http://www.sydlexia.com/error500.html

      Persons attempting to link to images on this site will instead get this image. You are free to download my images and rehost them elsewhere, but no direct linking. Sorry guys. The goods news is that this will not include blog pics.

      Now it’s time for the third installment of my totally fucking pointless weekly search query report. Here are some of the searches that brought people to my site between 1/09 and 1/15. How do I know? I have magic fucking powers, OK? Or maybe I have site access logs. Unfortunately, there’s nothing particularly hilarious this week.

1. the deathstone – As it turns out, there are other deathstones besides the MASK one. For instance, there was a 1989 movie called The Demonstone that was released in some countries as The Deathstone. It starred R. Lee Ermey, a man who has based his entire on his one big role as the drill sergeant in Full Metal Jacket. It also starred some chick named Nancy Everhard. I thought only male porn stars had that last name. Hmmm… maybe Nancy is a transvestite. Whoever did the search was probably looking for information on this shitty movie, but instead they found information on a cheesy cartoon. Too bad.

2. voltron 3d episode transcripts – What the fuck is this? I hope to God there aren’t any transcripts of Voltron online and not just because of my general disinterest with fighting cat robots. Seriously, what possible need could anyone have for a transcript of an 80s action cartoon? These things weren’t exactly well written. I love G.I. Joe and Transformers but if someone has actually taken the time to transcribe 22 minutes of unmemorable lines like “Destro, you’ve failed me again!” or “Autobots, transform!” then I want to find him and stab him. If for some reason you feel the need to transcribe cartoons, do South Park, Powerpuff Girls, The Simpsons or any other cartoon that’s actually worth quoting.

3. 90s nickelodeon programs – I’ve said it before, but I get a lot of visitors looking for Nickelodeon stuff. Some more specific searches this week included Welcome Freshmen and Grimm’s Fairy Tale Classics, both of which are briefly mentioned in the Are You Afraid of the Dark? article. I love this shit, so I’ll definitely write about more of it as it becomes available for me to capture.

4. november rain meaning – Aside from Axl Rose or maybe Del James, no one can tell you definitively what the November Rain video means. I gave it a shot though.

GAME OVER.