I was proofreading my Salute Your Shorts article and there were some pretty fucking horrible typos. There were sentences there weren’t even entirely Anyway, it is fixed now. As an apology, here’s the show’s opening credits and theme. Enjoy.
So this week’s article didn’t go up til Friday. Sorry about that. What can I say? Things don’t always work out the way I want. Random shit happened in my personal life this week, such as having to attend a wake and a funeral, so that kinda screwed up my schedule.
There was apparently a problem with the Time Killers article where the pictures weren’t loading correctly in some browsers. I guess that’s what happens when I code half of it in Microsoft Word. Damn, that was a bad idea. Anyway, it is fixed.
However, I should warn those of you using Firefox that the pictures in all of the video game articles should have alternate text when you mouse over them. Mozilla doesn’t seem to do this, at least not in my experience.
I am absolutely fascinated by this. Every morning my web host’s server logs various statistics for my site. It includes which pages were accessed, how many times each page was accessed, IPs, and a few other things. My favorite by far is search queries. The site actually tells me what keywords were used in searches to find my site and some of them are fucking weird. Let’s go to the video tape…
Here are some queries from 1/05, I swear to God I am not making this shit up:
1. crapfest – Well, you sure found one. It doesn’t get much crappier or more festive than this.
2. what can you put into a… your really taken it out? – Hmmm… that sounds like an excerpt from the Ken Starr report. It would appear that the grammatically challenged asshole that typed in this brilliant search ended up on the second page of my Are You Afraid of the Dark? feature.
3. piano mtvs laguna beach – I always feel slightly guilty when my anti-MTV rants bring poor clueless sheep to my site. Then I remember that MTV is *supposed* to be about MUSIC but it isn’t anymore. Then I don’t give a fuck.
Here are some from 1/06:
1. lock the cellar door – This person could have been fucking looking for anything from song lyrics to ghost stories to accident prevention. In any case, they found my Poison page. Interesting enough, when the search is done as a string and not four individual words, I’m currently the #2 result on Yahoo. Score.
2. what can you see with the… the barrel gets lighter – Well, it looks like I’m gaining a strong foothold with the stoned idiot demographic. That’s cool, in a way. But it also hurts my brain. Why the hell would anyone type a riddle into a search engine, especially one that everyone knows the fucking answer to? This search brought another visitor to my Are You Afraid of the Dark? page.
3. the midnight society gary – Goddam, people love those old Nickelodeon shows. Maybe it’s time for a Salute Your Shorts feature. I’m the #1 result for this search on Google right now, with TV Tome directly below me. Fuck you, TV Tome.
The 7th was a slow day, so we’ll finish up with 1/08:
1. orange ninjas – Bad Dudes. It never ceases to amaze me what keywords people use. Then again, I’ve been there myself, huddled over a computer in a dorm room at 2 AM, drunk as hell, while my drunken friends shouted out random things for me to type into Yahoo. That’s called effective time management. I’m all about pleasing the masses, so here’s my Orange Ninja haiku.
2. music video november rain – A satisfied customer, I hope.
3. hammering harry nes – Three relevant searches in one day!? It’s like my own personal Christmas, only without any of the things that make Christmas cool. And no, I’m not gonna link to the Hammerin’ Harry article. I’ve done enough shameless linking and they’re all on the main page anyway.
That’s all for now. I’m still not entirely sure what the next feature will be or when it will be up. On the plus side, I now have some adjunct staff who will contribute from time to time. Fuck if I know when though.
By process of elimination, this week’s article will go up this evening. Sorry for the delays. I’ll try to have next week’s article up a lot quicker…. I just need to figure out what it is.
In recent weeks, there’s been a proliferation of annoying commercials trying to get people to buy custom ringtones. What the fuck? These companies must be selling this shit to someone. If you’re one of those people who just *has* to have a ringtone that says “Yeaaaaah boooooooy! Pick up the phone!” then I have an exciting deal for you. If you can find your way to SydLexia.com headquarters, I will stab you in your fucking face free of charge. Choose from one of three amazing knives: pocket knife, switchblade, or carving knife. You will have to sign a legal waiver, of course.
I have an offer for the rest of you too. If you bring a high-ranking executive from one of these ringtone companies to my lair, I will give you $5 and an official SydLexia.com 2×4. You must bring proof that the person does indeed work for one of these ringtone companies and you MUST keep that fucking idiot both alive and unharmed.
I’m just fucking with ya. Go ahead and get fucking ripshit and piss on your neighbor’s cat. If you don’t end up in an emergency room or a jail cell tonight, you’re a fucking pussy.
A new article went up late last night. Read it. Or don’t. I really don’t care.
Some recent search queries that people found my site through were:
1. 90s nickelodeon classics
2. boiling points MTV program guide
3. euphemize cat
Search #1 is the exact type of search that I am trying to cater to. I will definitely expand my Nickelodeon-related content in the future.
Search #2 is the antithesis of everything this site stands for. I’d like to think that maybe my site helped open some poor naïve 13-year-old girl’s eyes to the reality that MTV sucks, but I know that realistically that didn’t happen. Oh well. I’ll take my hits any way I can get them.
Search #3. Wow. What the fuck? Were you looking for Playboy Party Jokes or something? I’m pretty sure you want to *euthanize* your cat. If you’re looking up how to do it on the internet, chances are you can’t afford to take your cat to a veterinarian. That’s OK. Syd Lexia has a cheap and easy solution to your problem:
The moral of the story is this: Whether you meant euthanize or euphemize, you should never show the pussy any mercy.
Something will be up sometime Tuesday or Wednesday. Fuck if I know what though.
No new article today. Hopefully it’ll be done late tomorrow night.
In the meantime, here’s a very important public service announcement featuring T-Bob and the Trakkers. Right click on it to save. It’s encoded in DivX, so if you don’t have DivX then you’re fucked. Enjoy.
The site now has a custom 403 page. It can be seen here.
Change of plans. Since it’s December and shit, the M.A.S.K. article is going to be postponed briefly so that I can bring you the Commodore Christmas Crapfest, a look at several shitty Christmas games that were released for the good old C64. I also may throw in a Famicom game and a SNES game, even though that would ruin the alliteration.
R.I.P. Dimebag Darrell.
In the increasingly phony metal scene of the 21st century, you were the real deal. You will be missed.
I don’t know what else to say…
Hi. This is the SydLexia.com blog, where I’ll be posting site news and whatever the fuck else I feel like. Right now, I’m working on an article on a M.A.S.K. episode. I’d like to have it up soon, unfortunately I have real world stuff that I need to get done before Tuesday, so don’t expect to see it before Wednesday night. If I fall too far behind, you’ll end up with another video game review first.
I had wanted to do a movie next, but I’m not having any luck getting DVD captures. If anyone knows some good software for doing that, let me know.