June 13, 2009 – 11:53 AM by GPFontaine

      I am pleased to announce that SydLexia.com has integrated Facebook Connect into the site’s blog, Site News and Random Shit. Those interested in leaving a comment are now able to use their Facebook credentials to do so.

      Now it’s time for Fun With Search Engines, the semi-popular site feature where I take a look at some of the keywords that brought SydLexia.com some much-needed traffic. This FWSE report is for the four week period beginning May 3rd and ending May 30th. As always, these are all real searches. Let’s begin…

1. earthbound bionic kraken – Your mom’s a bionic kraken.

2. centipedes how fast it moves – Centipedes are notorious speedsters within the insect kingdom, and they can reach velocities of up to 200 miles per hour.

3. hentai cartoon porn – FAIL.

4. syd are you afraid of the dark – Only when I’m drunk and sleeping alone. So uh, pretty much all the time.

5. bowser genitals – Here’s a diagram:

Bowser's genitalia?

6. motley crue shout at the devil sales figures – I’m not entirely sure. I have a copy, and this other guy I know has a copy too. So that’s a minimum sales total of 2, which is better than most of Stryper’s albums ever did.

7. how to beat aran ryan in super punch out – If you think Aran Ryan is hard in Super Punch-Out, try fucking beating him in Title Defense mode in the Wii game. He’ll make you cry.

8. mortal kombat what if fatalities – What if I knew you what the fuck you were talking about?

9. combo no. 5 lyrics – Much like Mambo No. 5, Combo No. 5 was boring and stupid. It was also INCREDIBLY racist.

10. how to make sex like a pornstar(answer on other side)

11. sydlexia revolution – My revolution will not be televised.

12. mega man scissors man – Scissors Man? Scissors Man!? HIS FUCKING NAME IS CUT MAN!

His goddam name is Cut Man.

13. torture nipple or testicle or scrotum genital mutilation – Um, a nipple is not a genital. Let’s pretend that’s the only thing horribly wrong with that search…

14. aixel dys – Aixel Dys is my sworn enemy. He is also my polar opposite, and he comes from a parallel universe, kinda like Bizarro. Or NegaDuck.

15. do they make mario brother games anymore – This can’t possible be a serious question… can it?

16. i hate andross – Andross’ enemy is MY enemy!

17. простой вертолет в лего фото – In Soviet Russia, websites search for YOU!

18. nes game if you violate you will be attacked – The game in question is Bionic Commando:

This is a neutral area.

19. what is the arnold schwarzenegger movie where his kids die – It’s his son and wife that die. And it’s Collateral Damage.

20. shooting range nes game – That would be Hogan’s Alley.

21. grapes of wrath summer reading project – My summer reading project for The Grapes of Wrath was to turn it into a book for children. If you steal my sick rhymes, I will killerate you. Peace!

22. fuck machines – What, like a Sybian? That’s gross.

23. mcdonalds halloween pumpkin bucketsHere.

24. sydlexia best game of all time – I’m entirely sure it’s possible to pick one single video game as the best one of all-time. If I had to though, I’d most likely pick either Pong, Pac-Man, or Space Invaders. All three helped push video games into the mainstream, all three inspired numerous rip-offs, and all three are still played today.

25. safari game where you must avoid being raped – That would be Taito’s 1982 classic Jungle Hunt:

Raped by crocodiles!

26. nes quotes every gamer should knowThis is one of the ten most popular features on my site.

27. smash tv sounds mp3 – Looking for voice clips from the game? Good luck. You’ll need it!

28. erin esurance sexy pics – Don’t worry, she’ll do an FHM cover eventually.
 

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

May 9, 2009 – 5:03 AM by Syd Lexia

      Three months ago, I announced I had created a special subdomain to showcase my demotivational posters. Since that time, 21 new posters have been added. Go check them out. The newest ones are at the bottom.
 

WWEKMBCCRRMMCMMD?
(http://despair.sydlexia.com)

      It is time yet again for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring site report where I take a look at some of the words that visitors to SydLexia.com typed into various search engines. This FWSE report is for the four week period beginning April 5th and ending May 2nd. As always, these are all real searches.

1. fucking a grandmother – Well, this is a FANTASTIC start.

2. a-team rape face peck – I can only assume this was a search for homosexual A-Team fanfiction featuring the violent rape of Templeton “Faceman” Peck. I can also assume that you really ought to slit your fucking wrists. Please and thank you.

3. play legend of zelda dating game – Why not just play A Link To The Past? It may not be a dating game, but it’s a game based on dating.

4. how to beat friday the 13th on the nes – …kill Jason?

5. kano transformation – I’VE NEVER SEEN A KANO TRANSFORMATION.

NO BUT I KNOW HOW TO DO A RAIDEN TRANSFORMATION!

6. mcdonalds happy meal starring – You almost had a complete thought there. Keep trying!

7. arcade game chainsaw grim reaper decapitate – You’re probably thinking of Time Killers.

8. how do I get extra lives in super mario bros. 2 – You can either pull them out of the ground in certain places, or win them from the slot machine using coins you pull out of the ground in the “dark” world.

9. best places to sell nes games – eBay.

10. maniac mansion list of commands – Well, if you weren’t completely fucking blind, you’d see that Maniac Mansion, like all games built on the SCUMM engine, provides you with the full list of commands along the bottom of the screen.

11. mega man is too fucking hard – Try harder, you fucking wuss.

12. the tale of the crimson clown – Whatever you do, don’t piss him off.

Don't be an asshole or the Crimson Clown will get you.

13. how do I do a fireball in street fighter – SUPER FAIL.

14. nintendo ever made list – Has Nintendo ever made lists? Yes, they have. Back in the good old days, Nintendo used to list the top selling games at the end of every issue. They’ve done other lists, too. In issues #196-200, they did a list of the 200 best games every to grace Nintendo consoles, with forty games per issue. It was cool.

15. 321 contact basic training – 3-2-1 Contact Magazine was badass. I threw out the magazines long ago, but I still have a shitload of the “Basic Training” sections in a box up in the attic. Here’s one I scanned in for my Summer Cleaning Crapstravaganza. Enjoy.

16. sly cooper hentai – Absolutely not.

17. best snes gamesHere.

18. how to beat a boy and his blob – I believe we’ve been over this before. Like this:

How to beat a boy and his blob.

19. umk3 scorpion – That’s a pretty vague search. What specifically did you want to know Scorpion’s appearance in Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3? How to do his special moves? Fucking ask him yourself. He’s on Facebook.

20. sydlexia.com – There’s this thing at the top of your web browser called an address bar. LOOK INTO IT.

21. real online mario world – “Real” and “online” are antonymns. Never forget that.

22. illegal robot baseball – If robot baseball is outlawed, only outlaws will have robot baseball teams. Or maybe only outlaw robots will play baseball? I forget. Hypotheticals are confusing.

23. watch arnold movie junior – For the love of God, do not EVER watch this movie.

24. lexia for kids – SydLexia.com, Syd Lexia, and all related indicia are most decidedly unsuitable for children. Syd Lexia is to be used only by persons ages 18 and up, and is harmful if swallowed.

25. soda popinski quotes – I always found this one pretty weird:

I drink to prepare for a fight. Tonight I am very prepared!

26. hammerin’ harry – I reviewed the arcade game back in December 2004.

27. gremlinsBest. Christmas. Movie. EVER.

28. esurance girl nude – Gee, didn’t see THAT coming…
 

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

May 7, 2009 – 11:01 PM by Syd Lexia


A new article is up.

April 24, 2009 – 5:49 PM by Syd Lexia

      My friends at Dark Maze Studios have an awesome new product for you to buy. The ridiculously awesome Turksploitation film known lovingly as “Turkish Rambo” is now available on an official, feature-packed DVD! From the same visionary director who gave the world “Turkish Star Wars” comes RAMPAGE, an epic tale of murder, vengeance, and kebabs. Dark Maze Studios sent an elite commando squad to rescue the film from a remote Turkish vault and digitally remastered it… because no one else would dare!

BUY IT HERE!

April 7, 2009 – 3:44 PM by Syd Lexia

      Now it’s time for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring site feature where I take a look at some of the keywords that brought people to SydLexia.com. This FWSE report is for the three week period beginning March 15th and ending April 4th. As always, these are all real searches. Let’s begin…

1. can aural sex damage you in any way – Is this a serious question? Why in the hell would you ever let someone stick a dick in your ear? In order for it to fit, that’s gotta be either really big ear or a REALLY narrow dick. Either way, you’d probably need lots of lube and it would most certainly damage your ear. Please don’t ever try that.

2. 100 best snes games – It just occurred to me that the previous searcher may have meant “oral” instead of “aural”, so I’d like to change my answer. The answer is still yes, but only if the person giving you oral sex uses their teeth.

3. sydlexia wikiThe SydLexia.com wiki doesn’t see anywhere near as much action as it deserves. Much like its owner, most of the wiki’s action comes from cheap Asian whores.

4. impossible mission checkerboard roomI think I read something about that somewhere.

5. how do you get to the moon pearl on zelda for the super nintendo – Figure it out yourself.

6. fatalité de scorpion mortal kombat – EN ANGLAIS, S’IL VOUS PLAÎT!

7. ff6 epic – Final Fantasy VI is epic in every way possible. My good friend Valdronius wrote a poem about it.

8. food forum – THERE IS NOT – NOR WILL THERE EVER BE – A FOOD FORUM ON SYDLEXIA.COM!

9. neopets faerie hentai – No one actually plays Neopets. Therefore, no one cares enough about it to make Neopets hentai. Also, for the millionth time, hentai is fucking dumb.

10. gay big cock hard video violence women girl shemale without condom – I threw up a little bit when I saw this. I probably should have thrown up more, but I try not to discriminate against people based on sexual orientation.

11. what ever happened to colleen haskell – See above.

12. now it is the beginning of a fantastic story – Let us make a journey to the cave of monsters!

Bubble Bobble.

13. nes games that let you choose your boss – Sorry, there weren’t any work sims released for the NES.

14. mega man3 wav files – Who the fuck still uses WAV files?

15. monster rape games – No.

16. bad ending blaze fielding raped – Can we please stop with the rape? It’s not cool. And I’m quite certain nothing like this ever happened in the Streets of Rage games.

17. dumb guy stuck in video game – I prefer Fat Guy Stuck In Internet.

18. unblockable porn – Recycled Magic: The Gathering joke FTW:

You guys must be from The Enquirer, right?

19. laugh – That sounds like Bowser’s laugh!

20. is there a name of a video game that’s called ball – Yes. The very first Game & Watch handheld system was simply called Ball.

21. erin esurance nude live hentai fucking sex – Screw you guys, I’m going home.
 

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

April 3, 2009 – 8:33 PM by Haddox

      A few months ago while in a drunken fucking stupor, I wrote a rant about how all the porn torrent sites out there have really fucking shitty search engines. I passed out shortly after finishing it, and when I woke up the next morning I had forgotten all about it. I found it today while doing some site work, so I decided to share it with you. Ironically enough, these sites both fixed their search engines within the last week, so it’s not really relevant anymore. But if any of you used these sites over the last couple years, you’ll know what I’m talking about and you’ll completely agree with me. Or maybe you won’t. Whatever. Fuck you.

Porn sites need better search engines

April 2, 2009 – 2:16 PM by Syd Lexia

      As if you didn’t already know, it was an April Fools’ Day joke. Not a great one, I know, but April Fools’ Day kind of snuck up on me, so I didn’t have time to put together any of the more ambitious pranks that I’ve got on file. And quite honestly, this joke wasn’t implemented quite as it was originally conceived. The original plan was to register ExtremeSnakeInsertions.com and redirect SydLexia.com to that, but I didn’t leave myself enough time to do so; it can take up to 24 hours for domain registration to process, then it takes several more hours before the site is cached and ready to host content. So instead, I was forced to use CompleteSycophants.com, a site I registered a few years for reasons I don’t quite remember. For many of you, this was probably a blessing in disguise; ExtremeSnakeInsertions.com isn’t something you really want showing up in your browser history.
 
 
For anyone who either missed the prank or wants to relive it, here are some links:
A mirror of CompleteSycophants.com
The replacement banner seen on SydLexia.com
What ExtremeSnakeInsertions.com would have looked like

March 31, 2009 – 10:37 PM by Syd Lexia

      I am proud to announce that SydLexia.com has been sold and will be integrated into CompleteSycophants.com, a new pop culture mega site scheduled to launch in May 2009! At that point, SydLexia.com will be completely taken down and all of its articles will become part of CompleteSycophants.com. I will work for the new site as a senior editor and Valdronius has been hired as a staff writer… and we’ll actually be getting paid! Unfortunately, there’s some bad news. In order to ensure the new site has some fresh content at its launch, no more updates will be made to the SydLexia.com main page. Also, the services of Jeebus and Haddox have not been retained, so I don’t know what they’re going to do. Blogger.com, perhaps? I would like to thank CompleteSycophants mastermind Tommy Evans for his generous offer, and implore you all to check out the new site when it launches. Here’s the link.

Thank you all for your support over the last four years.

March 31, 2009 – 5:59 AM by Syd Lexia


A new Valdronius article is up.

March 24, 2009 – 5:02 AM by Syd Lexia

 

Haddox has updated his site.

 

March 23, 2009 – 2:18 PM by Syd Lexia

If you haven’t been reading the blog of my esteemed brother Dr. Jeebus, you should be… starting now. Here are the last month and a half worth of updates:

Desperate Times
A Test In Reading Comprehension
Howie Long Is a Pedophile and Rapist!!!
Who Watches The Watchmen? I Did, And Here’s My Review.
Who Watches The Watchmen? Apparently, Eight-Year-Olds!
Gimme Some Pills So I Can Win An Oscar
The Dr. Jeebus Guide To Not Getting A Shitty Tip
I Don’t Know From Flowers
What’s Wrong With A Flat Tax?
The Stimulus Bill Won’t Solve Anything

Dr. Jeebus updates his blog frequently, so be sure to bookmark his page and check it often.

      It is time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring site feature where I take a look at some of the things that visitors to the site typed into various search engines. This FWSE report is for the three week period beginning February 22nd and ending March 14th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. what are some good ds games – When selecting a DS game for purchase, as yourself this: Is Lisa Kudrow personally endorsing this game? If the answer is no, you’re good to go.

2. rolf eriksson ebay – I have no idea how this pertains to my site in any way, shape, or form. Apparently Eriksson is an important government official in Sweden, but I had never heard of him before now and I have no idea how he relates to eBay. But if you are looking for stuff that he is selling on eBay, maybe you should have started your search on eBay instead of Yahoo.

3. the jaquio – The Jaquio is a nice guy.

Have a nice day.

4. gun that fires underwater – Why the fuck would you ever need that? You planning to kill Aquaman or something?

5. virtual fisting game – Gross.

6. poisin for cats – You should be giving cats poisson, not poison. Also, you should learn how to fucking spell.

7. is there a way to put snes games on snes – Is that a question? Is that even a complete thought?

8. top 100 van nintendo – Again, I have no idea what that means. Are there 100 vans out there with custom Nintendo artwork drawn on them? If there are, I bet they’re driven by 100 guys who aren’t allowed with 500 feet of schools.

9. aika – From the SydLexia.com forums? Pretty sure we accidentally killed her. I always hit harder than I intend to…

10. coolest robot masters – Ice Man and Blizzard Man. You see what I did there?

11. naked peach – Why would a peach have clothes on? That’s crazy talk. Go away, crazy.

12. runaway robots happy meal – I love those guys:

Runaway Robots, never coming back. Wrong way down a one way track...

13. how do i beat the mini game in super mario bros. 2 – The slot machine? Well see, the thing about the slot machine is that IT’S A FUCKING SLOT MACHINE. It’s mostly luck, but if you have quick eyes and quick fingers, you can line up a win. The main game isn’t all that hard though, so you really shouldn’t waste too much time trying to win extra lives. Just mash through it and hope for the best.

14. should have been easier by three – Our old friend fear and you and me? Glycerine? Glycerine?

15. key in transylvania ducktales nes – When the game sends you to Transylvania to find the key to the mines, jump into the first mirror you see. You’ll find the key.

16. the apprentice season 2 – The Apprentice sucks.

17. names of cartoon characters on heathcliffTry this.

18. gals panic porn – You’re right, gals definitely panic when they see porn. They scream and run in the opposite direction and never talk to you again. Oh wait, you’re probably talking about the retarded arcade game:

Gals Panic sucks.

19. dr. tebor – The only Tebor I know isn’t a doctor. He’s a Skeletor.

20. can michael jackson move as good as he used to – Probably not.

21. erin esurance fucked really really hard – And that’s a wrap.
 

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

March 6, 2009 – 9:36 AM by Syd Lexia


A new article is up.

March 3, 2009 – 11:32 PM by Syd Lexia

 

Haddox has updated his site. He is so NOT trolling.

 

February 28, 2009 – 9:45 AM by Syd Lexia

 

Haddox has updated his site.

 

February 26, 2009 – 9:17 PM by Syd Lexia

      Now it’s time for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring site report where I take a look at some of the keywords that brought vistors to the site. This FWSE report is for the seven week period beginning January 4th and ending February 21st. As always, these are all real searches.

1. dust cleaner fucks suit man – As best I can figure, this search is intended either to find pictures of a businessman fucking a french maid or pictures of a businessman shoving a dustbuster up his ass.

2. heathcliff cleo sex – Heathcliff hentai? No one should…

3. how to draw a racing car on msw logo – There are many different ways to draw a race car; there are many different solutions to this problem. Why don’t you fucking figure it out yourself?

4. mortal kombat create a fatality – Never, and I mean NEVER, mention Kreate-A-Fatality in my presence. That bullshit single-handedly ruined Armageddon.

5. best snes games everSPOILER: A Link To The Past is #1

6. prisoner – Best show ever. RIP Patrick McGoohan.

7. demons – We all have some. Lord knows I have mine.

8. nes games top quotes These NES quotes aren’t necessarily the best ones, but they’re all ones you should know.

9. pussy – Try Craigslist.

10. kung law fatality – You’ve combined Tekken’s Bruce Lee rip-off and Mortal Kombat’s hat thrower into one super character. If Mortal Kombat didn’t already have a Bruce Lee rip-off, this would be an awesome idea.

11. instructions on how to make booby traps – Dear Mr. Klebold and/or Harris, please take your lithium immediately. Please do not shoot up your high school.

12. where i can download konami classic aliens arcade game from – I’m sorry… did you just refer to Konami’s Aliens game as “classic”? You have just made a powerful enemy, you bastard.

13. mega man 1 sucks – Lies! But Mega Man 3 sucks.

14. hudson adventure island level 7-4 spiders – If you think 7-4 is tough, just wait until you get to 8-3…

15. bet snes games – Wouldn’t you rather bet money?

16. secret illegal drug smuggling operation – THERE IS NO SECRET ILLEGAL DRUG SMUGGLING OPERATION.

17. does anyone know the nes game where you collected balloons in a maze – Both Gumshoe and Balloon Fight’s Game C have you collecting balloons, but neither one takes place in anything any normal person would consider to be a maze. So my guess would be the bonus round from Mappy:

18. mcdonalds halloween smooshees – What the fuck is a smooshee?

19. witch tits island – I hope to God this isn’t the name of a new reality series.

20. how to talk to a boy about his rape – If the boy was the one who got raped, have him talk to Detective Benson. If the boy was the one did the raping, have him talk to Detective Stabler.

21. watching kids fuck – So help me Jesus, I will get Detective Stabler in here if I have to. Munch and Finn too. That, or I could just publish your IP: 60.50.136.33

22. pop culture sucks – I will fucking cut you. I won’t cut you as deeply as that last guy, but I’ll cut you nonetheless.

23. greatest ness games ever – That’s easy, Earthbound and Super Smash Bros. Melee. I suppose you could put The Untouchables on that list as well, if you really want.

24. actraiser won’t work – Did you try blowing into the cartridge to clear the dust out? If you don’t have an actual cartridge and this is an illegal ROM of the game – and we both know it is – trying running it in a different emulator.

25. let me remove the eggplant curse – No, I don’t want to! I’m okay, I’ll figure it out myself. But they just keep bugging me! THEY JUST KEEP BUGGING ME AND IT BUILDS UP INSIDE.

26. friday the 13th games to play and killing in it too – Doesn’t it kinda go without saying that a Friday the 13th game would have killing in it?

27. mortal kombat stryker sucks – You better fucking take that back, you motherfucker. Kurtis Stryker is my close personal friend and he does not suck at all. In fact, I host his home page.

28. will link ever have a relationship in legend of zelda – Of course not, because the poor guy doesn’t know how to talk to girls. Hell, he doesn’t even know how to talk. I know Miyamoto thinks that Link’s lack of dialogue is supposed to make the gaming experience more personal, but I’ve thought it was a little awkward.

29. super mario bros 2 sucked – Neither of the games known as Super Mario Bros. 2 sucks in any way, shape, or form.

30. streets of rage hentai blaze rape – I hope you accidentally end up on malware sites and get your identity stolen.

31. troll – There was a time when the troll doll I photographed for my Spring Cleaning Crapstravaganza was one of the most popular anti-trolling images on the web. It’s possible that it still is, but since it has been reuploaded to sites such as the ones here and here, I have no way of knowing for sure. And since it’s not helping my traffic rating anymore, I really don’t care.

32. sex fuck brutal sadist death – Why don’t people ever use nice words on the internet?

33. water in microwave maniac mansion – Bad idea.

34. onechanbara – I’ve been playing the fuck out of this on the Wii. It’s mindlessly violent and violently mindless. It’s also a pretty good time.

35. x-rated arcade games – I hear that your mom will do just about anything except DVDA, and she takes quarters. Does that count?

36. bullshit – Couldn’t you say “baloney” instead? It means the same exact thing and it doesn’t make Baby Jesus cry.

37. nes puzzle game with falling blocks – Hmm…. this question is tough. Really, really tough. I will research this further and hopefully I will have an answer for you by the time I publish FWSE #136.

38. rosland capital gold – Their official spokesman is Watergate mastermind G. Gordon Liddy. That oughta tell you everything you need to know.

39. how are safety zones and guards used in the lab – Read your textbook, asshole.

40. nes baseball robots – That would be Base Wars:

41. he fuck his girlfriends sister and her aunt – I would guess this is either from Maury Povich or a manga… maybe both.

42. charlotte – is Flair Country.

43. removing an evil spirit from a negro – Um… what?

44. creepy sesame street videosHere.

45. amyrose sucking sonics dick until sperm – Thank you for that lovely image. (I hope you die.)

46. megaman mega man – Does whatever a mega can?

47. reach out and touch faith – SydLexia.com has it own personal Jeebus.

48. shout at the devil is scary – Maybe if you’re a Quaker… or five years old.

49. erin esurance hardcore sex – That’s my cue to leave.
 

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

February 23, 2009 – 11:16 AM by GPFontaine

      Given the failing state of the economy and that millions of people losing their jobs, I am going to try and help some of you obtain new employment. While not everyone will be successful, you won’t be worse off if you listen to what I have to say. However, there is a condition that applies to using my guide. If you get a job after reading my advice and you did even one thing differently because of what I wrote, you must come back to SydLexia.com and proclaim my awesomeness to the world. Right here in the most public of all spaces, the comment section of the news entry!

Read the interview guide here.

 

February 12, 2009 – 1:42 PM by Syd Lexia

 

Haddox is published. The world is ending. Kill your loved ones, save yourself.