It’s been quite a while, but it is time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring report where I comment on some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into various search engines such as Google, MSN, and Yahoo. This FWSE report is for the five week period beginning May 27th and ending June 30th. As always, these are all real searches. Let’s begin…

1. erin esurance nude – And we’re already off to a great start…

2. skateboards for the overweight – They’re called flatbeds, and they’re very expensive.

3. snes racing game – There are only two that matter: Super Mario Kart and F-Zero.

4. nintendo emulator that uses the game genie – Most NES emulators have Game Genie support, and few, if any of them, actually require the Game Genie ROM to use Game Genie codes; it just isn’t always easy to figure out how to use it. But if you need an emulator that definitely has Game Genie support, I recommend RockNES X.

5. watch heathcliff episodes – In Soviet Russia, Heathcliff episodes watch YOU!

6. movie that had candy jars that the boy was able to pick from – That’s got to be the absolute worst description of a movie I’ve ever heard and I think I know exactly who wrote it. Congratulations Mom, you’ve find my website! Now learn how to use a fucking search engine properly.

7. list of easy girls – It’s called Adult Friend Finder. Unfortunately, most of the women on their list are 40 years old and/or robots.

8. arcade game chainsaw cuts off opponents arms – That would be Time Killers. You could cut off their heads as well:

9. blue guy killing punks nes game – The “blue guy” is Mega Man, the punks are Neo Metools, and the game is Mega Man 2.

10. bowser fucks peach – In Soviet Russia, Bowser fucks YOU!

11. every video game ever made – Even if we ignored all the shitty low budget shareware and freeware games out there, such a list would still be damn near impossible to compile. Not even GameFAQs has managed to list every game ever made.

12. i’ve admitted i am a furry – Admission is the first step to recovery. Betty Ford is the second.

13. nes games chasing frog down a hole – Blaster Master.

14. super mario bros.: the lost levels rom – You will never ever find a ROM of an official Nintendo game called The Lost Levels. That’s because such a game was never released. The game that would appear as The Lost Levels as part of the Super Nintendo’s Super Mario All-Stars cartridge was originally released as Super Mario Bros. 2 in Japan. You will, however, find some shitty fan-made NES ROMs claiming to be The Lost Levels.

15. how do you bear heike in super punch out – Unfortunately, Heike Kagero is unbearable. Sorry.

16. nintendo game with bubbles – Is this a serious search? Nintendo game with bubbles? Gee, this is a hard one… COULD IT BE MOTHERFUCKING BUBBLE BOBBLE!? I THINK SO!

The game you are looking for could also be Bubble Bath Babes. If it is, kill yourself. Thanks.

17. vagina getting turned on easily by looking at a man – Well, if you had been born before 1995, you probably would have taken some sort of Sex Ed class in school by now and you wouldn’t be typing dumb shit like this into Yahoo. Girls get horny too, dude.

18. it’s a secret to everyone – In Soviet Russia, everyone is a secret to YOU!

19. which mortal kombat character are u – I am Johnny Cage, sunglasses enthusiast and master of the Shadow Kick. Also, I like punching people in the crotch. Thanks for asking.

20. a map of the crotch to find the clitoris – Your typical vagina is composed of about 20-50 rooms and you’ll usually find the map somewhere in one of the first eight rooms. Unfortunately, you won’t be able to find the clit with the map alone; you’ll need the compass. The compass is usually nearby… you shouldn’t have to search more than five or six more rooms until you find it. Once you get, the location of the clitoris will appear on your map either as a skull or a blinking red dot.

Oh wait… that’s Legend of Zelda. My bad.

21. funny grayskyull shirts – More like funny GAYskull shirts.

22. is there any use for the vitablaster in a boy and his blob – Yes, there is. You use it to kill stuff on Blobonia.

23. how to euthanize a cat yourself – Lock it in a box with a small amount of a radioactive isotope…

24. best video game ever – SANS PONG RIEN.

25. americans fucking together – Hmmm… I guess even terrorists have fetishes.

26. scary stories to tell in the dark is fucked up – It is! The illustrations in it seriously gave me nightmares.

27. i can’t find the flute in zelda link to the past – Sucks to be you, don’t it?

28. fairly oddparents porn – I’ve decided to phrase my answer in the form of a picture:

29. amy rose hentai – See above.

30. how do i get my child to appear in sesame street – Sesame Workshop is based in New York City, so you should keep an eye out in the major NY newspapers for an open casting call. But chances are pretty good that you either need to work on the show or know someone who works on the show to get your kid on it.

31. what super nintendo game allowed you to throw your mohawk – I have no idea. But if you want try an equally weird SNES game, I recommend Mo Hawk & Headphone Jack:

32. sensational sherri martel – is dead. RIP.

33. blacks more often kill with machetes – Yeah… I’m pretty sure that’s not true.

34. micro machines spokesman – That would be John Moschitta.

35. erin esurance naked and fucking – Isn’t this where we came in?

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

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