Archive for December, 2005
December 31, 2005 – 12:09 PM by Syd Lexia

      Kirby is not a role model. Please do not do anything that Kirby would do tonight. For example, don’t drink 51.2 times your body weight in alcohol; it’s a bad fucking idea. But if you do, don’t you dare fucking drive. This New Year’s Eve, try Columbia’s favorite alternative to alcohol: cocaine. It’s safe, fun, and not as expensive as you might think. Have a good one.

      Also, a new comic is up.

December 30, 2005 – 8:53 PM by Syd Lexia

      Well, Christmas was five days ago and I’ve finally wandered out of the haze of gluttony and avarice that the holiday generally sends me into. So now, it’s time for Fun With Search Engines. But this isn’t just *any* old edition of FWSE, this is a special holiday edition that covers the week leading up to Christmas, December 18th – December 24th. If you ever wondered what people search for in the days leading up to the birth of Christ, you’re about to find out. As always, these are all actual keywords that visitors to my site put into search engines:

1. frosty the snowman hentai – Tis the season, huh?

2. disney are you afraid of the dark – Yes, the fucking thumbsuckers who run Disney probably are afraid of the dark. But if by some chance you’re referring to the TV show Are You Afraid Of The Dark? then you should know that ran on Nickelodeon, not Disney.

3. christmas fuck suck greeting card – It may not surprise you to learn that this search came through Google Nederland. I like porn as much as the next guy, but if someone sent me an X-rated eGreeting, I’d be rather pissed. There’s a time and a place for shit like that, but you really can’t expect anyone in the Netherlands to grasp the concept of moderation. If there really is a God and He ever decides to bring Judgment Day down upon us, I’m pretty sure the first thing he’ll do is put Holland back underwater. Honestly, I wouldn’t blame him.

4. old christmas santa claus c64 game – There were several and you can see them all in the Commodore Christmas Crapfest. However, Father Christmas is really the only one worth mentioning.

5. kara borden naked pics – Even on fucking Christmas Eve! GODDAMIT!

6. ted kennedy is sober – That’s libel. He could sue.

7. drunk driving psa face burned commercial – I once went off on a long angry rant about how much I fucking hate drunk driving PSAs. That shit is depressing as fuck and they run them on Comedy Central sometimes. What the fuck is that?

And I’m done. Tune in next week to see what people searched for on Christmas Day and New Year’s Eve. Maybe there won’t even be any hentai searches next time. Hey, I can dream, right?

December 29, 2005 – 6:50 PM by Syd Lexia

      Well Christmas came and went faster than (insert a premature ejaculation joke about someone here). It happened so fast that I was unable to get my second Christmas article up before the big day. But uh, it’s done now. So if you’d like to read about The Animals’ Christmas Eve, now you can.

December 24, 2005 – 7:35 AM by Syd Lexia

      On behalf of failed Catholic priest Joseph Stalin, dyslexia, and severe dementia, I would like to wish you all a Merry Christmas. Or if you’re into Hannukah, have yourself eight nights of total fucking awesomeness. After all, Stalin loves all religions equally.

December 21, 2005 – 1:14 PM by Syd Lexia

      Well, I should probably be out getting my Christmas shopping done, but instead I’m bringing you another installment of Fun With Search Engines. For anyone as of yet unfamiliar with FWSE, it’s a weekly report where I show you some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into Yahoo, Google, and whatnot. This FWSE report is for the week of December 11th – December 17th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. sabertooth tigers are they extinct – What the hell kind of a question is this? YES, THEY’RE FUCKING EXTINCT YOU FUCKING MORON!

2. heathcliff cartoon clip – How about four clips?

Heathcliff Intro
Heathcliff End Credits
Pet Tip – Fish
Pet Tip – Old Dogs

3. nude pics of victor krum – Harry Potter porn? That’s the grossest thing that I’ve heard in a long, long time. Excuse me while I go fucking puke.

4. nudalities in ultimate mk 3 – Thankfully do not exist. Do you really want to see Nightwolf, Sheeva, or Cyrax naked anyway? No, you don’t. If you do, you have some serious fucking issues.

5. kara borden photobucket picturesHere.

6. wrestling poser wife OR housewife -sex – This search came through Google Greece, so we’ll probably never how well this person understood English or what the fuck they were searching for. But “Wrestling Poser Wife” sounds it could be a pop punk song. I nominate Bowling For Soup to write it.

7. samus kills master chief animated gif – If something like this actually exists, send it my way. I would pay good money to watch Samus murder that Halo retard.

This concludes my Fun With Search Engines report. If you would like to learn more about any of the topics that I’ve covered, check your local library. And now I’ve got to finish my fucking Christmas shopping.

December 20, 2005 – 11:04 PM by Syd Lexia

      A new article is up on my favorite Christmas movies. But I decided to call it The Ten Best Christmas Movies Ever instead. Why? Cuz I’m an asshole, that’s why. Enjoy. Hopefully I’ll have another holiday article up for you before Christmas. Will it be about Kwanzaa? Fuck no. Get real.

December 14, 2005 – 1:40 PM by Syd Lexia

      And I’m back once again with yet another edition of Fun With Search Engines, the weekly report where I look at some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. This FWSE report covers the week starting December 4th and ending December 10th. As always, these are all real searches…

1. mortal kombat kung lao toy – There are several Kung Lao action figures out there. Hell, there’s even a collector’s edition of Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks that comes with both Liu Kang and Kao Lung figures. But who cares? Until someone makes a Kung Lao figure with amazing hat-throwing action, what’s the point?

2. kara borden myspace profile pics – What’s this? Someone searching for information that might offer them insight into the lives of Kara Borden and David Ludwig instead of porn? Well, here’s an archive of mirrors that you might find helpful.

3. nude photos of kara beth borden and david ludwig – DAMMIT!

4. see videos of mario peach fucking each other for free – For free? Fuck you. Gimme 20 blue coins and a couple of shine sprites, then we’ll talk.

5. describe the heathcliff’s appearance and character – Except for that bizarrely placed article, I would assume that you’re supposed to be reading Wuthering Heights, but you’re too lazy to actually do so. And if Wuthering Heights wasn’t the worst fucking book ever written, I’d be inclined to chastise you.

6. shawn wayans has personal philosophy – I know he’s not exactly the smartest guy who ever lived, but of course he has a personal philosophy. News flash: EVERYONE has a personal philosophy. Shawn’s philosophy is this: make cheap, shitty movies that are commercially successful in urban areas and make millions of dollars in the process.

7. teamwork in pop culture – What the fuck kind of a search is this? I mean, come on. Teamwork is everywhere in pop culture: Mario and Luigi: Superstar Saga, The Fellowship of the Ring, Tango & Cash, the list goes on. But the best example of teamwork in pop culture is The Smurfs. Those blue little commie bastards were all about sharing and shit. But hey, they were still slightly less gay than The Littl’ Bits, The Care Bears and The Snorks.

And we’re done. A new article will be up by Sunday, but hopefully a little sooner. Until then, there’s always the forums.

December 13, 2005 – 11:45 PM by Syd Lexia

      A new comic is up, in case anyone is interested. If you’ve ever wondered what a guy who runs a site like this might keep in his mini fridge, then this comic should help you sleep a little better at night. If that doesn’t work, try NyQuil. Lots of it.

December 9, 2005 – 3:13 PM by Syd Lexia

      Well, it’s snowing like a motherfucker outside and on top of that there’s THUNDER AND LIGHTNING. How does that even happen? Since I’m stuck inside all day anyway, there should be an update before the end of the night. Unfortunately, my Criterion Collection edition of Terry Gilliam’s Brazil somehow made it here today, so I might end up watching that. Or I might get a touch of cabin fever and kill someone. If that happens, don’t expect any updates for a long, long time.

December 6, 2005 – 4:15 PM by Syd Lexia

    Welcome to yet another installment of Fun With Search Engines. For anyone who’s just joining us, Fun With Search Engines is a weekly segment where I discuss some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. Why? Because I think it’s fun. This FWSE report is for the week of November 27th through December 3rd. As always, these are all real search queries. And here we go:

1. don’t fuck the ducktales – That’s sound advice. I wouldn’t fuck the DuckTales. Most of them were guys and those that weren’t were either too young (Webby), too old (Ma Beagle, Mrs. Beakley) or worthless fucking immigrants (Magica De Spell). Oh yeah, AND THEY WERE ALL DUCKS.

2. kara beth borden/naked pictures – Yeah, the whole porn thing isn’t happening. Instead, you get these:

David Ludwig Sucks
David Ludwig Sucks #2
David Ludwig Sucks #3
David Ludwig Sucks #4

I made these a while ago and being the asshole that I am, I posted them on the blogs on David’s MySpace. Unfortunately, one of his jabroni friends took control of the MySpace and changed it completely, so if you want to see Ludwig’s MySpace and his two blogs, you’ll have to find a mirror somewhere.

3. spaces of dragons – After Googling this term myself, I came to an awful realization: this person was looking for species of dragons and had no idea how to spell or pronounce the word. Western society is at a critical low when even D&D nerds can’t fucking spell properly…

4. diet pepsi ingredients – It’s people! Diet Pepsi is PEEEEEEEOPLE! Since you’re too lazy and/or poor to dole out the 89 cents required to buy a 2 liter bottle, here are ingredients of Diet Pepsi: carbonated water, caramel color, aspartame, phosporic acid, potassium benzoate (preserves freshness), caffeine, citric acid, and natural flavors.

5. kristin cavalleri in hot pictures on the internet in the nude – I like how this guy specified that the pictures should be hot. If he hadn’t done that, he might have accidentally found naked pictures of her shaving her legs. :roll:

6. freeze don’t make a fucking move man – When you threaten search engines, you demonstrate that some people just don’t deserve internet access. Unless you threaten Jeeves, that snobby prick is just asking for it.

7. construction workers fucking – After a long day of drinking coffee and pretending to do road work, your average construction worker is far too tired to service his wife. You would be too if you spent all day screwing taxpayers.

And that’s the end of that chapter.

December 4, 2005 – 11:28 PM by Syd Lexia

      Part 23 of the NES Drinking Saga is now up. I have to warn you though, it gets a little weird.