Archive for the ‘FWSE’ Category
January 5, 2008 – 1:10 PM by Syd Lexia

      Now it’s time for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly site report where I take a look at some of the keywords that brought visitors to my site. This FWSE report is for the week beginning December 23rd and ending December 29th. Here we go…

1. warcraft 3 hentai – Gay.

2. top ten nes games – Anyone who can produce a list of the top ten NES games ever made is either a complete fucking idiot or some worthless fucking poser who didn’t live through the era. No one who actually owned an NES in its heyday and attempted such a list would come up with at least 20 great games, and they would probably end up with closer to 50 games. Hell, they could probably come up a hundred games.

3. snowman hentai – No more goddam hentai!

4. erin esurance nude sex – What the fuck did I just say!?

5. teen fucking his thin mom – Well, I guess it’s better than a teen fucking his FAT mom.

6. i don’t much care for the tone of your voice – Fuck you.

7. super mario bros second quest – It’s the same as the first quest, only those pink elevator platforms are smaller and the Goombas have been replaced with Buzzy Beetles.

8. perfect tits – Tara Reid had those before her botched cosmetic surgery.

9. what’s wrong with me – Probably lots of things, especially since you’re asking Yahoo.

10. christmas – OMG, I *love* Christmas!

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

December 29, 2007 – 9:16 AM by Syd Lexia

      It’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly site feature where I take a look at some of words that visitors to my site typed into various search engines. This FWSE report is for the week beginning December 16th and ending December 22nd. As always, these are all real searches.

1. erin esurance porn – I’ve decided to open with Erin Esurance this week. You know she’s coming, so I figure I might as well get her out of the way first. On a side note, I’m currently the #1 Google result for Erin Esurance porn.

2. law of the west accolade – Valdronius reviewed the classic Commodore 64 game here.

3. do men prefer getting head or having sex – Having sex is generally preferable, but depending on the situation and location, head can be just as good. Skill level also plays an important factor in this debate. When a girl isn’t good at giving head, it’s not fun for either party involved. Bad sex is always better than bad head.

4. chinese boxer funny punch to the face – Me so solly? Fuck, that was awful. I apologize.

5. koosh tennis – I can’t ever seem to get my friends drunk enough to play a rousing game of Koosh Tennis…

 
6. how come umk3 classic sub zero first fatality is censored – Because Congressional hearings put pressure on Midway to crank out a kinder, gentler, cartoonier Mortal Kombat game.

7. zelda wind waker hentai – This is completely wrong for a number of reasons. But most importantly, I have no interest in ever seeing cel-shaded porn.

8. how to beat the frog in mario 2 – Are you fucking stupid? Do you want me to fucking draw you a fucking map? Do you!? Well, fine. Here’s a fucking map. Enjoy it.

 
9. best snes games – I’m too fucking angry about that last one to provide the link.

10. erin esurance hentai – I’m still angry, so I don’t even care that this is a fucking repeat of the first one.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

December 20, 2007 – 10:12 AM by Syd Lexia

      Now it’s time for Fun With Search Engines, the (theoretically) weekly site feature where I take a look at some of the keywords that brought visitors to my site. This FWSE report is for the week beginning December 9th and ending December 15th. As always, these are all real searches. Let’s begin…

1. to hell with sesame street – Hey now. Sesame Street may have ruined my life, but it’s still pretty awesome.

2. golden book animals christmas eve – Let’s see, did I ever read a Golden Book called The Animals’ Christmas Eve? Like a motherfuckin’ motherfucker.

3. are there any hentai involving food – Well, people eat squid and octopus, so I guess you could count any hentai that involves tentacles as food-related. Oh yeah, and there’s probably some Veggie Tales hentai out there too.

4. stone crab christmas ornament – I’d rather have a Stone Roses Christmas ornament.

5. fuck everything t-shirts – I agree. I fucking hate those things.

 
6. cold november rain – Hey asshole, it’s December.

7. girl in christmas costume gets fucked – I’m pretty sure that Naughty America is all over that.

8. father christmas bowling game – Uh, could it be Elf Bowling? You know, the greatest Christmas-themed game ever made? If you’re thinking of Elf Bowling, you’re probably thinking of POINTLESS BULLSHIT. Play Elf Bowling instead.

 
9. erin esurance sex – Die, motherfucker.

10. best snes games – What better way to end this than with a cheap plug?

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

December 9, 2007 – 11:55 PM by Syd Lexia

      It’s time yet again for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring site feature where I take a look at some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. This FWSE report is for the week beginning December 2nd and ending December 8th As always, these are all real searches.

1. erin esurance nude – Everything I ever really needed to know about Erin Esurance I learned from a SydLexia.com wiki page.

2. random disgusting shit – What the fuck do you think this is? 4chan? :roll:

3. best nes game – For the last fucking time, it’s Super Mario 3:

Gamers Against Racism!

 
4. when did the first nintendo appear – To make it appear, here’s what you have to do. When you wake up, leave the building you start in and walk back and forth on first three or squares in front of it. 99 times out of 100, a Slime will appear, but there is a slight chance that you will encounter your first Nintendo. It has 160 HP and a moderate attack rating. If you are not at least Level 5 and you do not have the Iron Armor and Copper Sword, you will not be able to win the battle.

5. Martha McIsaac forum – You can talk about Martha MacIsaac as much as you want on my forums. With a little bit of luck, we can make the SydLexia.com forums the #1 destination for Martha MacIsaac fans, and God willing, Martha MacIsaac herself.

6. in soviet russia hentai fucks you – That happens everywhere, not just in Soviet Russia. Watch out for those tentacles, man.

7. where to find nes games – Here’s a little fucking clue:

 
8. hammerin harry nes – The NES version is pretty meh. Check out the SNES version or the original arcade game instead.

9. kara borden – Kara Borden is irrelevant now; she doesn’t even have her own Wikipedia page anymore.

10. how to wins a girls heart in a conversation – Wait until some yells FATALITY and then rip it out.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

December 7, 2007 – 7:20 AM by Syd Lexia

      Now it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring site report where I take a look at some of the keywords that brought visitors to my site. This FWSE report is for three week period beginning November 11th and ending December 1st. As always, these are all real searches.

1. best nes games – The best NES games? That’s so very, very last year. Why not read about the 100 best SNES games ever instead?

2. hasbro battle trolls – I can still remember the song from the original commercial:

My name is Angus, Gus to my pals. I turn everything into an arsenal!

3. prizes for girls for fucking – There are only five possible prizes that a girl can win for outstanding fucking: a trophy from Adult Video News, money, spermicide, an economy size bottle of RU-486, or a coupon for 25% off your next abortion.

4. best christmas movies – Best this, best that. I’m sick of seeing the word “best” in my fucking site logs. Oh well, here’s THIS.

5. hey ho come on down the beach – That’s what I said to your mom.

6. camp lazlo hentai – Yeah, about that…

 
7. fatality de kitana – Hey Frenchy, shouldn’t you be searching for fatalité de kitana instead? Yeah, I thought so. Have another glass of red wine, ya shifty Huguenot bastard.

8. navigating the south castle in nes dragon warrior – You’re a lazy fucking bastard. If you seek to defeat the Dragonlord, do it the way we did it back in 80s: explore the castle on your own and keep trying until you fucking get it right. Maps are for losers. But if you’re really too much of a pussy to beat the final dungeon without a map, there’s one on GameFAQs, which is a site that you should have heard of by now because EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD HAS. You suck pretty hard there, guy.

9. shannon elizabeth fucked jack frost – Yes she did. It’s a shame she hasn’t done anything interesting in years.

10. narcis prince is gay – That’s not fair. Narcis Prince deserves respect.

 
11. female cat that garfield tries to impress – That would be Arlene.

12. what are nes games – I refuse to dignify that with a response.

13. i want watch the whole smooth criminal – Me fail English? That’s unpossible!

14. full house – Full House? How about Royal Flush?

 
15. cats – There no cats in America and the streets are paved with cheese. No, there are no cats in America, so set your mind at ease.

16. pepsi vs. coke – Fuck that. Shampoo vs. conditioner is a far more interesting debate.

17. bands of the 80s that were makeup – There aren’t any bands from the 1980s that “were” makeup. However, singer Boy George is actually a golem built entirely out of Revlon products.

18. four way fuck in dungeon – I hate BDSM.

19. maria lutzke – Tis the season for latkes, not Lutzke.

20. super mario bros 3 hammer suit – Best power-up ever.

21. ronald mcdonald fucks wendy – Again with this shit? Christ. That’s it, I quit.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

October 18, 2007 – 7:53 AM by Syd Lexia

      After yet another extended absence, Fun With Search Engines is back. For anyone as of yet unaware, Fun With Search Engines is a recurring report where I take a look at some of the keywords that brought visitors to my site. This FWSE report is for four week period beginning September 16th and ending October 13th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. fucking the devil – No one fucks with the devil! Well, maybe the Charlie Daniels Band.

2. ronald mcdonald fuck wendy – Christ, again with the fucking. This is gross. Clowns are creepy and Wendy is most definitely underage.

3. a lot of games for the snes – Yeah, there sure were a lot of games for the Super Nintendo. What’s your point?

4. savatage t-shirt – I’m the one who wants a Savatage t-shirt. Fuck the Trans-Siberian Orchestra for becoming successful… now we’ll never see another Savatage album.

5. philosophy poster – Here:

 
6. fake hayden panettiere getting fucked – By Fake Diesel and Fake Razor Ramon?

7. murders in the rue morgue – Someone call the gendarmes!

8. buy a velociraptor mask – No thanks.

9. nes game western train level – My guess would be North & South:

 
10. foods that rhyme with bombs – Pommes. I think that’s the only one.

11. prisoners – Aren’t we all?

12. link fucking zelda – Fuck, fuck fuck. Doesn’t anyone ____ anymore?

13. who played at ozzfest in 1999 in detroit – Your mom. Then she blew everyone there. Twice.

14. a boy and his blob – More like a boy and his pile of living human ejaculate…

 
15. the crowd reaction at the concert – I was there. They fucking loved it. Wait, what concert are we talking about? There are at least 100,000 concerts each year, probbaly way more. Maybe you should narrow it done, asshole.

16. a shit in the water tank – Um… gross.

17. girls prizes in fuck games – I’m not entirely sure what that means, so I have no idea what the answer is. But if I had to guess… dildoes?

18. top nintendo cartridges – Absolutely:


As you can see, it’s Wrestlemania 2000, Goldeneye, and Shadowgate 64.

19. avatar airbender hentai – HENTAI HENTAI HENTAI! God, I’m sick of hentai.

20. what is the best mega man game – You really can’t go wrong with any 2D Mega Man game. Watch out for those 3D ones though.

21. fuck you drawing made out of text – English: It’s Not For Everyone.

22. i lost to glass joe – You suck!

23. hotel mario cutscenes – That sounds like Bowser’s laugh!

24. happy meal toy showcase ronald – The Ronald toys all suck. McNugget Buddies, FTW.

25. fuck off – No.

26. mickey mouse pumpkin halloween treat bucket candy pail – Fuck that. McDonald’s Halloween buckets are where it’s at.

27. mario bros 2 japanese lost levels rom – It’s currently available on the Wii Virtual Console.

28. cherry master cheats – It’s a fucking slot machine. There are no cheats.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

September 16, 2007 – 1:24 PM by Syd Lexia

      After a suffering from an extended bout of laziness, I have returned with yet another installment of Fun With Search Engines. For those of you who may have forgotten, Fun With Search Engines is the semi-popular site report where I take a look at some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into various search engines. This FWSE report is for four week period beginning August 19th and ending September 15th. As always, these are all real searches. Here we go…

1. bret michaels – He has his own reality show. Half of the girls on it are kinda scary looking and most of them are head cases. I bet that’s why you were searching for him. That’s too bad, because Poison fucking rules.

2. you are the nes ending flying – If that was a complete sentence, or even a complete thought, I could probably help you. Unfortunately for you, it’s incoherent mess. Sorry.

3. red – It’s a color. It’s also a Fraggle. Oh, and Eric Forman’s dad.

4. best snes game ever made – That would be Steven Seagal Is The Final Option. It was so incredibly awesome that it could not be completed through the efforts of mortal men. It remains incomplete and unreleased, but you can probably find a partially playable beta of the game if you try hard enough.

5. mcdonalds dalmation toys recall – I recall them. What of it?

6. hulk hogan linda hogan lose 10 – Lose 10 what? Pounds? Thousand dollars? Unborn children? Pets? I NEED TO FUCKING KNOW!!!

7. unblockable porn on myspace – You can post all the porn you want on MySpace. It’ll get deleted, and it’ll get your sorry ass TOSed, but it’s not blocked.

8. amy rose hentai site – I’d like to believe that there’s isn’t a website dedicated to Amy Rose hentai, but I fully expect that there are at least four.

9. where was stephen on august 9th 2007 – Fucking your mom. You better tell Hayden… with any luck, she’ll break up with him over it.

10. juegos de nes de los simpson – Whoa, whoa, whoa, Pepe! Pepe, slow down. We’ll have to find a Spanish speaking operator to take your order.

11. monster party game us and japan differences – The difference is that the American version was actually released and the Japanese version never made it past the prototype stage.

12. esurance girl gets fucked – In Soviet Russia, Esurance fucks YOU! Seriously, you ever seen their rates?

13. buy christmas comes to pacland – The good news is that Christmas Comes To Pac-Land is currently available on DVD. The bad news is that comes with bundled with The Holocaust Comes To Pac-Land.

14. naked erin esurance altered beast – This search was probably planted by one of my forum members, but I couldn’t resist including it anyway. Despite my longstanding anti-hentai stance, I would definitely play a game where you’re commanded to RISE FROM THE GRAVE AND FUCK ERIN ESURANCE.

15. how to get stamps off an envelope microwave – Put the envelope in the microwave with a nice big can of hairspray. Cook both items together on the HIGH setting for 10 minutes. Be sure to press your face right up against the screen to make sure it’s cooking properly.

16. brachiosaurus halloween costume – Unless you’re hideously fat, there’s no way you’re pulling that costume off.

17. doom marine vs master chief – The Doom Marine would clearly win; the original always beats the shitty imitation.

18. what are nes games worth – Not much. Between emulation and the Wii Virtual Console, every NES game ever made is readily available to anyone who wants them. There are a few cartridges, such as Dragon Warrior IV, which are rare enough to be considered collector’s item. These carts will usually fetch $40-60, but most games are barely worth $5. If you have a game that’s still factory sealed, you might be abled to get $10-20 for it. If you want to find out what a specific game is worth, do a search on eBay; it’s the best pricing guide on the internet.

19. what is the cheat for fucking – No.

 
20. list of nintendo games – OK, here’s a list of Nintendo games:

  • Faria
  • Jackal
  • Rockin’ Cats
  • SCAT
  • Zombie Nation
  • Bionic Commando

21. game for the nes where you run and jump – That could fucking be anything, including all three Super Mario games. You suck at doing searches. Kill yourself.

22. motley crue shout at the devil original cover art – It was a pentagram:

 
23. pics of every single mortal kombat character – In the words of the great Char Aznable, “Buy Mortal Kombat Armageddon RIGHT FUCKING NOW!”

24. which console has the best sports games – Here’s a better question: who the fuck cares?

25. girls that only get turned on when they fuck their relatives – Uh… :what:

26. which console ever had the most nintendo games – I am going to go out on a limb here and guess it was the NES.

27. i beat contra without using a cheat code – If you had told me that when I was 9, I would have called you a dirty lying whore. These days, I know that it’s not only possible, but it’s fairly easy to do. The bosses all move in easy to follow patterns, so as long as you have the Spread Gun, you should be all set.

28. it was an abortion michael – JUST LIKE OUR MARRIAGE!

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

August 23, 2007 – 8:08 AM by Syd Lexia

      It’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring site report where I take a look at some of the keywords that brought visitors to my site. This FWSE report is for week of August 12th through August 18th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. how to beat stay puft 2600 ghostbusters secret – You can’t actually defeat the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man; you have to run under him. Also, you shouldn’t need any sort of secret technique to beat him, he’s easy as hell to dodge. And if you think Puffy is hard to dodge in the Atari 2600 version of Ghostbusters, you should probably stay the fuck away from the Commodore 64 version.

2. i fuck arnold – In Soviet Russia, Arnold fucks YOU!

3. camp lazlo hentai – Fuck that. Instead, you get Digimon Hen-Tai:

 
4. rain music video boquet – What’s a boquet? Is it anything like a bouquet?

5. hermioney granger porno imigages – There are three things wrong with this search:

      1. Hermione is spelled wrong.
      2. Images is spelled wrong.
      3. You’re searching for explicit images of fictitious jailbait.

6. old man old woman dog nickelodeon cartoon – I imagine you’re thinking of Courage The Cowardly Dog, which was actually a Cartoon Network show.

7. sabertooth tiger picture – Here:

 
8. cheap jason mask – You mean a HOCKEY MASK? You should be able to get one of those on the cheap without much effort. And if we’re talking about the Friday the 13th Part II version of Jason, potato sacks cost even less.

9. hollywood movies fucking scenes – This isn’t a porn site. You want porn? Go to FleshOfTheStars.com.

10. male and fimal fucking move show – How does one manage to spell male right and then somehow fucking spell female completely wrong? Seriously, I think my brain just exploded. Well, I guess I’m off to the hospital then. Bye.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

August 16, 2007 – 8:14 AM by Syd Lexia

      Now it’s time for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly site feature where I take a look at some of the terms that visitors to my site typed into Yahoo, Google, and MSN. This FWSE report is for week of August 5th through August 11th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. boy fucking there grandmother – I am pretty sure the only correct way to punctuate this search is: Boy fucking! There, grandmother! Regardless, it’s still a fucking retarded search. How about you stop looking for underage/overage porn and go fucking kill yourself. If anyone wants the IP on this loser, it’s 68.219.43.86.

2. spider fetish – Go cut yourself like a good little goth.

3. mortal combat pictures that move – I could berate you over your pathetic typo, but I won’t. Here:

 
4. nude pictures hillary clinton fake – I wouldn’t want to see fake nude pictures of Hillary Clinton any more than I’d want to see real ones. Sure, you could paste her face over Teagen Presley’s body, but what’s the point when you could just look at Teagen Presley instead?

5. why did bruce lee die – Because you touch yourself at night.

6. early nes game where you shoot fish – Your mom smells like fish… in her vagina.

7. nickelodeon orange – Congratulations, you have successfully identified the color of the Nickelodeon logo. GOOD JOB!

8. best nes game ever – Final Fantasy VII.

9. aural sex can make you sick – No, aural sex can make you deaf.

10. sydlexia is a big doody – Fuck you, you fucking asshole. I have feelings, you know. There are certain things you just shouldn’t call ever people and “a big doody” is one of those things. Where’s your fucking decency? I hope you choke to death on your dad’s balls, assuming you even know who your father is.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

August 7, 2007 – 1:55 PM by Syd Lexia

      Behold, it is time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring site feature where I take a look at some of the keywords that brought people to my site. This FWSE report is for week of July 29nd through August 4th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. super punch out sucks – I agree, but we seem to be the minority. I actually received death threats over my Super Punch-Out article. Death threats from semi-anonymous internet fucktards with oh-so-scary names like Aaron Simmer and Danny DeAngelis. So watch out… or don’t. These losers don’t have a single set of balls between them, let alone enough balls to actually make good on their threats.

2. top secret sex game – The first rule of top secret sex game is DON’T FUCKING TALK ABOUT IT!

3. bizarre robot fetish – So wait, are there NORMAL robot fetishes?

4. lyrics the gang will reign supreme and no one can deny they’ll make some history – That’s the Heathcliff theme song.

5. hayden panettiereNote to self: KILL STEPHEN COLETTI. A LOT.

 

6. kano transformation – I’ve never seen a Kano Transformation. No, but I know how to do a Raiden Transformation.

7. char aznable half life – Char Aznable is from Gundam, not Half Life, dumbass. Oh wait, maybe you’re referring to the legendary SydLexia.com forum member Char Aznable. His half life is roughly 46.2 years.

8. mortal kombat hentai – Hmmm… I guess that gives FINISH HIM! a whole new meaning.

9. the child’s gives video game damages – I recommend you buy my new book, Hey Buddy, It’s Called Fucking English: Fucking Learn It Or Fucking Die. Coming to bookstores everywhere this October.

10. virginity rocks loving my wife and I haven’t even met her yet t-shirts – Every year, there’s a big gay pride parade in Boston and the local media never fails to give it massive coverage. And every year, I see people in rainbow-colored clothing marching on my television set, and I say to myself, “Holy fuck, that’s the gayest thing I’ve ever seen.” Well, that’s not true anymore. Congratulations, Virginity Rocks t-shirt. You are gayer than guys in cut-off jeans.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

August 1, 2007 – 8:12 AM by Syd Lexia

      Now it’s time for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly site report where I take a look at some of the keywords that brought visitors to my site. This FWSE report is for week of July 22nd through July 28th. As always, these are all real searches. Here we go…

1. the super nintendo game with a little guy fighting house objects – With any luck, it’s Earthbound, because Earthbound is one of the greatest games ever made. This might not be the game you’re thinking of though, because you don’t exactly fight household objects. However, you do fight gas pumps, fire hydrants, guitars, coffee cups, trees, lips, puke, and a host of other oddly mundane enemies. But again, even if Earthbound wasn’t the game you were thinking of, play it, because it’s inevitably better than whatever pile of shit you were actually thinking of.

2. elizabeth hurley raised catholic – Her mother was Anglican and her father was a non-praticing Catholic, so she was probably raised Anglican. This is quite a shame, because if Bedazzled taught us anything, it’s that Elizabeth Hurley makes a damn good Catholic schoolgirl:

 
3. stop motion animation sesame street whale – Could it be THIS?

4. how to do a fatality – Stick a fork in a light socket. FATALITY!

5. sean connery uncredited prince of thieves – Did you really need to look this up? I mean, did you watch the movie and think to yourself, “Gee, that guy who showed up at the end looked exactly like Sean Connery. I’m not sure if it was him though, and I didn’t see his name in the credits.” That sort of thing is forgiveable with some actors, like an Alan Arkin or a Jonathan Pryce, but this is SEAN FUCKING CONNERY that we’re talking about. If you have trouble recognizing Sean Connery, you simply don’t deserve to watch films. End of story.

6. charles in charge t shirt – Never seen one, but I am definitely adding it to the Grand List of Things You Could Buy For Me If You Like The Site.

7. viagra – Well… that’s a new one. If you were looking to buy viagra, too fucking bad; this is a pop culture site, not some goddam online store. But if you’re looking for a highly inaccurate explanation of how viagra works done entirely using 8-bit sprites, then you’re in luck:

 
8. bowser and luigi sex – Gross.

9. shawn wayan naked pictures – Grosser.

10. erin esurance hentai – Fuck this, I’m outta here.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

July 26, 2007 – 11:47 AM by Syd Lexia

      Yes, it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, better known as That Thing On The Site That Roughly Nine People Read. FWSE is a recurring site feature where I review some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into various search engines. This FWSE report is for two week period beginning July 8th and ending July 21st. As always, these are all real searches.

1. lets fuck board games – You’d be better off fucking a person.

2. pictures of lauren conrad and stephen coletti together now 2007 – How about no?

3. jeff goldblum foot fetish – I’ve never heard anything about Jeff Goldblum having a foot fetish, but I know he definitely had a cheating-on-Geena-Davis fetish.

4. clarissa expalins it all – Few people remember Monty Python’s long lost “Dead Michael” sketch which featured John Cleese as Mr. Praline, Eric Idle as Shop Owner, and a very dead Michael Palin…

Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that Palin when I got him home, and I discovered the only reason that he had been sitting on his perch in the first place was that he had been NAILED there.
Owner: Well, of course he was nailed there! If I hadn’t nailed that man down, he would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent ‘em apart with his teeth, and VOOM!
Mr. Praline: VOOM?! Mate, this man wouldn’t “voom” if you put four million volts through him! He’s bleedin’ demised!
Owner: No no! He’s pining!
Mr. Praline: He’s not pining! He’s passed on! This Palin is no more! He has ceased to be! He’s expired and gone to meet his maker! He’s a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed him to the perch, he’d be pushing up the daisies! His metabolic processes are now history! He’s off the twig! He’s kicked the bucket, he’s shuffled off this mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PALIN!!

5. i like to go swimming with bow legged women and swim between their legs – Who doesn’t?

6. naked hentai – Seeing as your search was not just for hentai but naked hentai, I bet I can guess your age. Little boy, I imagine you are going to be sufficiently traumatized by what the pictures you eventually find.

7. are you afraid of the nickelodeon – Why the fuck would I be afraid of Nickelodeon?

8. 100 greatest video games of all time – Oddly enough, every single one of the 100 greatest video games of all-time each starts the letter P: Pong, Pac-Man, Pitfall, Paperboy, Phantasy Star Online, Pirates, uh… PimCity, Puper Mario Bros., uh…. uh… Preakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, Pontra PPP: Phe Plien Pars…. Well, you get the fucking idea.

9. lara croft transvestite – That is not something that I would ever want to see under any circumstances. If my choices were “Hey, look at this guy dressed as Lara Croft” or “Die motherfucker!”, I would most definitely choose death.

10. i demand more syd lexia comics – I’ll get on that. But in the future, why not try e-mail?

11. fucking otto the bus driver simpsons porn – I wish to God that someone would be able to block out the voices in my head for five minutes, the voices that scream, over and over again: “Why do they come to me to die? Why do they come to me to die?”

12. erin esurance humping stuff – Instead of a coherent response, here’s an unrelated pun:

 
13. what’s the best ocarina flute – The Ocarina of Time. Like, duh.

14. a link to the past guideCLICK HERE.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

July 14, 2007 – 11:36 AM by Syd Lexia

      Now it’s time for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly site report where I comment on some of the keywords that brought visitors to my site. This FWSE report is for the week of July 1st through July 7th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. sydlexia, for the love of god, update your site more than once a year – This was definitely planted by someone and according to my amazing IP tracking skills that someone lives in New York. I have a few guesses as to who it was, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that this person is a fucking liar; I update my site at least thrice a year. So there. :roll:

2. camp lazlo hentai – Nope.

3. creepy sesame street – Sesame Street isn’t creepy… it’s really fucking creepy. But only sometimes.

4. pictures of mario and peach doing it – Doing what? You’re far too vague.

5. fank machene – Huh?

6. mega man is weak against robot masters – Actually, he isn’t… unless you suck at video games.

7. i’m the juggernaut bitch mugen – Remember that redubbed X-Men cartoon that was trendy for like 2 weeks? That thing was fucking awesome. Seriously, there’s nothing I enjoy more than 20 minutes of THE SAME FUCKING JOKE OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Oh, and if you can’t find a Juggernaut character for your MUGEN, you suck. He’s just a sprite-rip of the Capcom version.

8. how to make a hexagon on msw logo – You’d do it pretty much the same way you’d do it in any other LOGO, use 60 degree angles:

 
9. mortal kombat porn – Sigh…

10. watch erin esurance fuck – In Soviet Russia, Erin Esuran… oh, nevermind. This was a shitty week for searches and this is easily the worst FWSE ever. I apologize. Also, I fucking quit.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      It’s been quite a while, but it is time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring report where I comment on some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into various search engines such as Google, MSN, and Yahoo. This FWSE report is for the five week period beginning May 27th and ending June 30th. As always, these are all real searches. Let’s begin…

1. erin esurance nude – And we’re already off to a great start…

2. skateboards for the overweight – They’re called flatbeds, and they’re very expensive.

3. snes racing game – There are only two that matter: Super Mario Kart and F-Zero.

4. nintendo emulator that uses the game genie – Most NES emulators have Game Genie support, and few, if any of them, actually require the Game Genie ROM to use Game Genie codes; it just isn’t always easy to figure out how to use it. But if you need an emulator that definitely has Game Genie support, I recommend RockNES X.

5. watch heathcliff episodes – In Soviet Russia, Heathcliff episodes watch YOU!

6. movie that had candy jars that the boy was able to pick from – That’s got to be the absolute worst description of a movie I’ve ever heard and I think I know exactly who wrote it. Congratulations Mom, you’ve find my website! Now learn how to use a fucking search engine properly.

7. list of easy girls – It’s called Adult Friend Finder. Unfortunately, most of the women on their list are 40 years old and/or robots.

8. arcade game chainsaw cuts off opponents arms – That would be Time Killers. You could cut off their heads as well:

 
9. blue guy killing punks nes game – The “blue guy” is Mega Man, the punks are Neo Metools, and the game is Mega Man 2.

10. bowser fucks peach – In Soviet Russia, Bowser fucks YOU!

11. every video game ever made – Even if we ignored all the shitty low budget shareware and freeware games out there, such a list would still be damn near impossible to compile. Not even GameFAQs has managed to list every game ever made.

12. i’ve admitted i am a furry – Admission is the first step to recovery. Betty Ford is the second.

13. nes games chasing frog down a hole – Blaster Master.

14. super mario bros.: the lost levels rom – You will never ever find a ROM of an official Nintendo game called The Lost Levels. That’s because such a game was never released. The game that would appear as The Lost Levels as part of the Super Nintendo’s Super Mario All-Stars cartridge was originally released as Super Mario Bros. 2 in Japan. You will, however, find some shitty fan-made NES ROMs claiming to be The Lost Levels.

15. how do you bear heike in super punch out – Unfortunately, Heike Kagero is unbearable. Sorry.

16. nintendo game with bubbles – Is this a serious search? Nintendo game with bubbles? Gee, this is a hard one… COULD IT BE MOTHERFUCKING BUBBLE BOBBLE!? I THINK SO!

The game you are looking for could also be Bubble Bath Babes. If it is, kill yourself. Thanks.

17. vagina getting turned on easily by looking at a man – Well, if you had been born before 1995, you probably would have taken some sort of Sex Ed class in school by now and you wouldn’t be typing dumb shit like this into Yahoo. Girls get horny too, dude.

18. it’s a secret to everyone – In Soviet Russia, everyone is a secret to YOU!

19. which mortal kombat character are u – I am Johnny Cage, sunglasses enthusiast and master of the Shadow Kick. Also, I like punching people in the crotch. Thanks for asking.

20. a map of the crotch to find the clitoris – Your typical vagina is composed of about 20-50 rooms and you’ll usually find the map somewhere in one of the first eight rooms. Unfortunately, you won’t be able to find the clit with the map alone; you’ll need the compass. The compass is usually nearby… you shouldn’t have to search more than five or six more rooms until you find it. Once you get, the location of the clitoris will appear on your map either as a skull or a blinking red dot.

Oh wait… that’s Legend of Zelda. My bad.

21. funny grayskyull shirts – More like funny GAYskull shirts.

 
22. is there any use for the vitablaster in a boy and his blob – Yes, there is. You use it to kill stuff on Blobonia.

23. how to euthanize a cat yourself – Lock it in a box with a small amount of a radioactive isotope…

24. best video game ever – SANS PONG RIEN.

25. americans fucking together – Hmmm… I guess even terrorists have fetishes.

26. scary stories to tell in the dark is fucked up – It is! The illustrations in it seriously gave me nightmares.

27. i can’t find the flute in zelda link to the past – Sucks to be you, don’t it?

28. fairly oddparents porn – I’ve decided to phrase my answer in the form of a picture:

 
29. amy rose hentai – See above.

30. how do i get my child to appear in sesame street – Sesame Workshop is based in New York City, so you should keep an eye out in the major NY newspapers for an open casting call. But chances are pretty good that you either need to work on the show or know someone who works on the show to get your kid on it.

31. what super nintendo game allowed you to throw your mohawk – I have no idea. But if you want try an equally weird SNES game, I recommend Mo Hawk & Headphone Jack:

 
32. sensational sherri martel – is dead. RIP.

33. blacks more often kill with machetes – Yeah… I’m pretty sure that’s not true.

34. micro machines spokesman – That would be John Moschitta.

35. erin esurance naked and fucking – Isn’t this where we came in?

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

June 2, 2007 – 2:24 PM by Syd Lexia

      It is time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly site feature where I comment on some of the keywords that vistors to my site typed into various search engines. This FWSE report is for the week beginning May 20th and ending May 26th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. joe and mac 2 – Electric Boogaloo? Seriously though, there are three separate games that are in contention for the title of Joe & Mac 2. First, there’s Congo’s Caper, a SNES game released in Japan in 1992 and America in 1993. Caveman Ninja was known as Tatakae Genshijin in Japan, while Congo’s Caper was known as Tatakae Genshijin 2, making it the first official sequel. However, this game does not star Joe & Mac. It was followed by another SNES game, Tatakae Genshijin 3, which was released in the USA as Joe & Mac 2: Lost In The Tropics. However, you may remember that the original Joe & Mac game debuted in arcades. If you’re a purist, you may consider the 1994 arcde game Joe & Mac Returns to be the true Joe & Mac 2. At any rate, all three games are worth a try.

2. amy fisher – Here’s a joke I heard one time on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air:

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Amy Fisher.
Amy Fisher who?
BANG!

Incredibly dated? Yes. But it’s still pretty funny.

3. mickey mousecapades – First off, it’s called Mickey Mousecapade, singular. Secondly, if Nintendo ever put this game up for sale on the Wii Virtual Console, their servers would implode from its sheer awfulness; I’m surprised that The Legend of Kage hasn’t already managed to do this.

4. the ingredients of pepsi vs coke – All you really need to know is that Pepsi is sweeter.

5. super mario 2 how to beat frog – Let’s see…

A) His name is Wart.
B) You’re kidding, right? THROW FUCKING VEGETABLES AT HIM!

6. neked fuck site – Neked isn’t a word; neither is nekkid. So why don’t you go fuck yourself?

7. why are nes games so hard – Because you’re impatient and poorly trained. You lack discipline!

8. punchout gabby jay – Few people know this, but Super Punch-Out’s Gabby Jay was originally going to be a far more accurate caricature of French boxers. His name? Jabby Gay.

9. big robots with fucking lasers – That could be pretty much anything…

10. sly cooper porn – Well, that’s my cue to quit in disgust. See ya.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

May 22, 2007 – 10:31 AM by Syd Lexia

      Now it’s time for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly site report where I review some of the keywords that brought visitors to my site. This FWSE report is for the week beginning May 13th and ending May 19th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. riff raff was a pimp – Fuck yeah!

2. myspace screenshots – If you want to take a screenshot of MySpace, hit the Print Screen key. Then open MS Paint and you’ll be able to paste the image into the blank form thus allowing you to edit and/or save it. If those directions aren’t good enough for ya, then go fuck yourself; you completely suck at computers and you don’t deserve to have screenshots of your shitty MySpace page. Speaking of MySpace, add me. Now.

3. erin esurance nude – I was trying not to include this, but it keeps showing up in the fucking site logs and I’m sick of trying to find something more interesting.

4. syd lexia aids – According to some cranky mongloid on StumbleUpon, my site is less funny than AIDS. If AIDS wasn’t so damn hilarious, I might be offended.

5. moonwalker gif animation – Fuck that. Here’s an Altered Beast GIF animation instead:

 
6. monster party prototype – I would be willing to kill millions, no BILLIONS, of people, if it meant that I would get my grubby hands on a copy of the Japanese prototype of Monster Party. Heck, I don’t even need an exact location; just give me a compass bearing and the rampage can begin.

7. scorp boon an bomal boty – I have no fucking clue what this means, but I seriously doubt this person was looking for the Mortal Kombat page that came up.

8. how to convince a girl to blow you – Ask her nicely.

9. centipede board game – I’m the #2 result for this search on Yahoo, right under a Wikipedia entry on the VIDEO GAME. On Google, I’m the #1 result. My review of the Centipede board game attracts more traffic than you might think, which is to say it nets me significantly more than zero hits per week.

10. play snake rattle and roll – That’s a good idea, I think I will. I’m outta here.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      It is once again time for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly site report where I take a look at some of the words and phrases that visitors to my site typed into various search engines. This FWSE report is for the week beginning May 6th and ending May 12th. As always, these are all real searches. Ready or not, here it comes…

1. november rain why the girl dies – She kills herself, and if I recall correctly, she does it with the gun she took from Axl in the “Don’t Cry” video.

2. girls fucking anything – Now see, that’s just stupid. There are certain things I would NEVER want to watch a girl fuck, like a skunk. Or my best friend.

3. beat a boy and his blob – Okay:

 
4. nes game magic kid and animals – Based on your rather limited description, I’m going to guess you’re thinking of Little Nemo: The Dream Master, one of Capcom’s many NES classics. If you’re not, you should be.

5. how are bruce lee and forest law alike – They laugh alike, they walk alike, at times they even talk alike! You can lose you your mind…

6. best snes pool game – Oh man, it sure is hard trying to find the best SNES pool game. I mean, just think of all the choices you have: Championship Pool, Side Pocket, or Super Billiard. There’s no fucking way you could possibly PLAY ALL THREE AND DECIDE WHICH ONE YOU LIKE THE BEST, now is there? Of course not, you lazy fuck.

7. dorothy lemay nude – She’s a porn star! She’s never NOT nude!

8. pepsi failed products – I’m pretty sure we can safely add Pepsi Summer Mix to the long list of failed Pepsi products.

9. nes point and clicking games – Since the NES didn’t have a mouse, it didn’t technically have any any point and click adventure games. However it did have versions of classic PC point and click games such as Uninvited, Shadowgate, Deja Vu, Maniac Mansion, and King’s Quest 5. But on the NES, they weren’t so much “point and click” games as they were “clumsily drag a cursor across the screen using your Nintendo controller” games.

10. fat old nannys fucking – BARF.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

May 11, 2007 – 11:59 AM by Syd Lexia

      Now it’s time for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly site feature where I take a look at some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into various search engines. This FWSE report is for the week of April 28th through May 5th. As always, these are all real searches. Let’s begin…

1. princess peach porn – As far as alliterative hentai searches go, this is considerably better than big bowser butts. It’s still pretty sad though.

2. suck – The most common definition:

 
3. fat mullets – A mullet can’t be fat, only the person who sports it… and anyone who still has a mullet in 2007 probably is.

4. megaman how to kill bombman – I hate to be the one to tell you this, but if you can’t kill Bombman with your basic gun, you kinda suck at Mega Man. And if you can’t figure out that Fire Storm is Bombman’s weakness, you REALLY suck at Mega Man.

5. fisting punishment game – Gross.

6. fucking scenes from hollywood movies – When Beavis realized he was “never gonna score” in his classic feature length animated adventure, he made a fucking scene.

7. how they make mcdonalds happy meals – Easy, they take a regular McDonald’s cheeseburger, a small fries, and a fun promotional toy, and throw them in a nicely decorated box or bag. These days, kids usually get a bag because it’s cheaper. They also give you a small drink on the side.

8. hulk hogan album – That would be Hulk Rules:

 
9. larisa oleynik clarissa explains it all – Larisa Oleynik never appeared on Clarissa Explains It All. However, she starred in The Secret World Of Alex Mack and I would mack on that girl something fierce.

10. mario fucks peach – I always assumed they were saving themselves for marriage.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      It is time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring site feature where I take a look at some of the keywords that visitors to the site typed into the search engines that brought them here. This FWSE report is for the week of April 22nd through April 28th. Begin transmission.

1. bridgette wilson fucking – Oh man, Pete Sampras is totally gonna kick your ass.

2. where are the zora flippers on zelda a link to the past – How the fuck am I supposed to know that shit? I’ve never played a video game in my entire life!

3. top 100 nes games – The only NES game I can think of with anywhere close to 100 tops is Mega Man 3. You can count them yourself:

 
4. i want to fuck melissa joan hart – Me too, but I want to do it purely for scientific reasons. I bet my friend $5 and all my Jurassic Park trading cards that if I came in her lazy eye, it would temporarily improve her depth perception.

5. syd lexia is a pokemon – Is that supposed to be some sort of insult? If it is, it’s not a very good one. See, in order to be effective insults have to MAKE SENSE.

6. pizza hut advertising noids – Two problems here. First, there was only Noid, unless you take the Yo! Noid video game as canon. Secondly, the Noid appeared in Domino’s commercials, not Pizza Hut ones.

7. playskool definitely dinosaurs – I love those things! Send me some.

8. psychological reason for playing attractive videogame characters – It’s probably out of loneliness, because you’re a sad little person who can’t get a date. That, or it’s just a simple matter of aesthetics.

9. why did they black out sub zero’s spine rip fatality in ultimate mk3 – There are two possiblities as to why that happened. Boon and Tobias received a lot of criticism for the violent fatalities in MK1 and MK2, and they tried to move away from that with MK3. As a result, many of the MK3 fatalities are a lot tamer than the ones in the first two games. So when Classic Sub-Zero was added into the Ultimate version of MK3, the Mortal Kombat team may have decided that his classic fatality was too violent and voluntarily censored it. The other possibility is that there simply wasn’t enough ROM space to include the full fatality. That may sound less plausible, but it’s not; the Animalities for the original MK3 characters were all rendered in monochrome due to memory issues.

10. dudes with attitudes best game ever – Begone foul demon! Return to the fiery pit from whence thou came!

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      Now it’s time for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly site report where I take a look at some of the keywords that visitors to the site plugged into various search engines. This FWSE report is for the week of April 15th through April 21st. And so it begins…

1. megaman bosses – Mega Man only had ONE boss, Dr. Light, and he was really more of a father figure than a boss. And while Mega Man did find employment under Dr. Light, I don’t he got paid very well. To be fair though, it’s not like Dr. Light could afford to pay Mega Man. After Dr. Wily stole his original batch of Master Robots and used them to spread untold havoc and destruction, those big fat government subsidies stopped pouring in. Also, Mega Man was a fucking robot; robots don’t need money.

2. dark quiet kid – If you’re looking for a dark, quiet kid, you probably shouldn’t be searching Yahoo; you should be searching MySpace. It’s easy, just do search for “emo”. Here’s a link to get you started.

3. scarface – Are we talking about the classic movie or Tina Fey?

4. is kung lao better than liu kang – Well, Kung Lao never got turned into an evil zombie, so I would probably say yes. Then again, no one ever thought Kung Lao was a big enough threat to their plans that they had to kill him, so maybe not.

5. sebastian ornament mcdonalds – Such an ornament can be found HERE.

6. how to beat mr sandman super macho man and mike tyson on punch out – Punch them.

7. finish him – That’s what I said to the girl in the coat room at that party, because she totally promised me the next blowjob.

8. dress up gams – Gams? Those long smooth things that dames got? What the fuck is this, the 1940s?

9. cleaning gay ass – Oh… gross.

10. candy island jokes – What the fuck is a Candy Island joke. You know what, nevermind; no matter what it is, I’m sure it’s a hell of a lot better than that last search.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.