After a lengthy absence, it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines. FWSE has been MIA since December 30th, and the reason for that is that I’ve been drunk since New Year’s Eve and I’m just now sobering up. Now, some of you may wonder why if I was able to post on the forums and write two articles between now and New Year’s Eve if I’ve been drunk this whole time. Easy. It’s a lot easier to write stuff when you’re drunk as hell than it is to look at site logs. Have you ever looked at site logs? They’re fucking annoying. Anyway, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. It may be a lie, but it’s a believable lie. It’s the little lie that could. And it’s better than the truth, which is that I’m a lazy douche.
Honestly, I didn’t think that people would miss FWSE as much as they did. I thought I could get away with not doing it, but many of my forum members were quite vocal on the subject: “Where’s FWSE?” “When are you doing the FWSE?” “Why are you aren’t you writing the FWSE?” And so on and so forth. But now it’s back. So if you’ve been dying to see some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines, look no further, because here it is. This FWSE report is for the 42 day period beginning December 31st and ending February 10th. Ready or not, here it comes…
1. game zoma – The only game I know of with a Zoma in it is Dragon Warrior III, where the final boss bears that name. The game also happens to be the absolute best NES RPG ever, so if you haven’t played it yet, do so now.
2. iam not able perform fatality in mortal kombat deception – Sucks to be you.
3. gamefaqs character battle – I’m far too lazy to fill out predictions for the GameFAQs character battles, but I usually vote in them. Recently, a character battle ended that was far more epic than the every GameFAQs character battle combined: The SydLexia.com Character Battle! The winner was crowned on February 9th and that winner was Tebor, who beat out jonnymorgue and myself in the final round. Congratulations, Tebor
4. all the fun games for boy and girl – There’s only one fun game that a boy and girl can play together and you have to take your clothes off to play it. That game is Parcheesi.
5. crappy NES games – You know what’s not a crappy NES game? SCAT. Isn’t that ironic?
6. stupid taito – You better shut your ignorant inbred whore mouth before I do it for you. Taito fucking rocks.
7. find whistles on super mario bros 3 – I’m probably a *little* biased since I was growing up when this game first came out, but that’s the stupidest fucking question I’ve ever heard. EVER!
8. girl makes video for boyfriend -You’re probably thinking of Libby Hoeller, whose webcam videos have been widely circulated via P2P networks since the year 2000. It’s funny, Libby Hoeller made her videos while attending the University of Wisconsin-Madison and then a few years later, a student from the University of Wisconsin-Platteville named Maria Lutzke made a video for her boyfriend that ended up all over the internet as well. I guess the lesson here is that there’s nothing to do in Wisconsin except masturbate on your webcam. And for the record, the UWP video is way hotter.
9. what is the difference between the wwf and the wwe – A cease & desist order and a whole lot of stagnation.
10. batman is a fucking crap bastard shit – Tourette’s Syndrome is a serious disease. Seriously hilarious, that is.
11. mortel combat pictures – Mortel Combat? MORTEL COMBAT? It takes not one, not two, but three emoticons to properly illustrate the disgust I’m feeling right now:
12. samus taught us that a girl doesn’t need brains to be successful – Damn that’s a good line, I wish I wrote it. Oh wait. I did. Sweet!
13. can you find me a site where you can dress up ariel the mermaid – First of all, a search engine is not a person. The only search engine that PRETENDED to be a person, Ask Jeeves, has morphed into the extremely craptacular Ask.com. And since a search engine is not a person, you don’t need to phrase your search in the form of a question. When you do that, you add unnecessary keywords into your search that make it less accurate. Secondly, no one’s gonna find you a gay ass dress-up site. Not Google, not Yahoo, and certainly not me. You wanna dress up a goddam mermaid? Fuck that. You can dress up Jesus instead.
14. bowser fucking peach – You know, the internet is a pretty pathetic place… a place where one can, in fact, actually find Nintendo hentai. Here’s a heavily edited artist’s rendition of what Bowser fucking Peach might look like:
15. mario fucks peach – I think that’s enough hentai for one day. It’s certainly enough SMB-related hentai for one day.
16. black girls over 50 years are fucking – I bet they are, but I sure as fuck don’t wanna see it. I don’t wanna see ANYONE over 50 fucking. I mean, come on. Also, while the terms “woman” and “girl” are semi-interchangeable, a woman stops being a “girl” long before she hits 50. I believe the official cut off is somewhere around 30. So for those of you playing at home, Jennie Garth is no longer a hot “girl”, but Jenna Haze is.
17. kid icarus being an eggplant – Fuck off, you racist son of a bitch! Also, Kid Icarus was white.
18. autistic porn – Once again:
19. porn sites of girls under 18 yo – That’s wicked illegal, yo.
20. dinosaur toys 90s rubber – My best guess would be Playskool’s Definitely Dinosaurs, which were manufactured from 1987 to 1996.
21. nes game – We did not find results for: nes game. Broaden your search by using fewer words.
22. where do christmas movies take place – In a wide variety of locales, both real and fictional.
23. sydlexia krislexia – You stay the hell away from my sister! I’ll fucking kill you!
24. are you afraid of the dark coming back – Am I afraid of the dark coming back? How could I be, when the dark never left. In fact, it’s getting stronger. And if we’re not careful, this growing darkness will consume our very souls.
25. rachel ray nude – I’d rather see the annoying bitch dead than nude.
26. clarissa explains it all – To the best of my knowledge, Clarissa never explained teenage pregnancy.
27. fairly oddparents porn – This comes up a disturbing number of times in the site logs.
28. top competitive nes games – Technically speaking, the three most competitive NES games out there are Super Mario Bros., Rad Racer, and Tetris, as those were three games that were used to evaluate players in 1990 Nintendo World Championship.
29. bubble bobble level 57 – Its NES password is FEJJJ. God, I fucking hate that level:
30. bad ass nicknames – Spanky McCracken and Douche McCallister are both good ones… too bad they’re taken.
31. coat hanger abortion diagram – Fantastic.
32. is caffeine free pepsi good for you – Not especially. It’s better for you than caffeinated Pepsi though. To really drink healthy, you should drink Caffeine Free Diet Pepsi. Of course, at that point, you might as well just drink seltzer water.
33. no music on mtv anymore reality shows – Yup, MTV sucks ass. Hell, even VH1 sucks now. Has anyone seen The White Rapper Show? It’s quite possibly the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. The premise is this: skinny white guys with crooked teeth and fat chicks who look more Hispanic than white compete to see whose rhymes suck the least. If you like this show, you should be shot.
34. underrated nes games – The Magic of Scheherazade immediately springs to mind.
35. reality tv and violence – Reality TV definitely leads to violence. Specifically, it leads to me smashing television sets.
36. mortal combat red and yellow robots – Those would be Sektor and Cyrax. And it’s Kombat, dammit!
37. succeed in jungle hunt – That sounds like a command. Luckily, it’s one that’s easy for me to obey.
38. hayden panettiere fake nude pictures – First off, whatever happened to imagination? Secondly, she deserves better than that.
39. nude nes emulator – What does that even mean? You want an NES emulator that’s nude? You want an NES emulator that emulates nude games? I DON’T FUCKING UNDERSTAND!!!
40. kara borden – It may be old news, but it still gets hits for some reason.
41. hillary clinton’s cookie recipe – Heh, more like Nestlé Tollhouse’s cookie recipe.
42. девушки – A magic spell? No wait, it’s Russian. Fucked if I know what it means. It’s probably some creepy porn search, because Russians are goddam perverts.
Well, that’s it for now. I learned a valuable lesson today: the longer I put off doing FWSE, the longer it takes to finally complete it. Never again will I wait so long to finish an FWSE. Never. Tune in next when Fun With Search Engines will most definitely return for yet another installment.
This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.