Yes, it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring site feature where I take a look at some of the keywords that visitors to the site typed into Google and Yahoo. How do I get this information? Easy, I have MAGIC POWERS. Actually, it shows up in the daily site logs that my webhost provides me with. The site logs, however, are definitely magic… or not. Anyway, this FWSE report is for the two week period beginning on April 1st and ending April 14th. Here it comes…

1. camp eat your shorts – I hope you mean Salute Your Shorts.

2. link fucking his zelda – Fucking HIS Zelda, eh? I think I’d rather see him fuck Sabrina The Teenage Witch’s Zelda, just as a change of pace.

3. egg eggplant shirt – Here’s a prototype:

 
4. friday the 13th nes instruction manual – You can find it within Vimm’s Lair, the best manual site ever.

5. mega man villains – I know a little something about Mega Man villains.

6. something to with girls there hotness – Girls are a lot like cars… it’s all about curves.

7. mcdonalds halloween bucket – Here.

8. the best games evere for consoles – As soon as evere becomes a real word, I’ll give you a real answer.

9. dragon humping – Wasn’t that a song by Chumbawumba?

10. hentai – I bet my red hentai would go great with with that egg eggplant shirt:

 
11. girls are like retarded ducks – That’s not really a valid point, so let’s move on.

12. 3-D password people games that let you shop for item and make your person eat – I know a great 3D game where you can shop for items and eat… it’s called REAL LIFE. There’s no passwords for it though, and since you seem to be failing at it, you’re pretty much fucked.

13. sly cooper nude – There’s something inherently wrong with wanting to see a raccoon’s junk.

14. fucking cousin videos – You know, people tell me that I don’t update my site enough. The reason for the lack of updates is that looking at my site logs has given me a goddam aneurysm.

15. what to do if grandpa is a grump – Send his ass to a nursing home. That, or call Jack Kervorkian; he’ll be outta jail in June.

16. ninjitsu weapons – Can you name all eight magical types of ninjitsu weapons? I can. Hearts, stars, horseshoes! Clovers and blue moons! Pots of gold and rainbows, and the red balloons! Wait… that’s something else.

17. super punchout unlock mike tyson – Don’t look now, but something’s written on your ceiling:

 
18. who framed roger rabbit – It was Doc Brown. To be fair, Roger had it coming; he tried to steal the flux capacitor.

19. snake plissken costume – Basically all you need is an eyepatch, a limp, and some leather. It also helps if you look EXACTLY like Kurt Russell.

20. erin esurance naked – AHHHHH!

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      Today we have reached an exciting landmark in the history of SydLexia.com, for today marks the 100th installment of Fun With Search Engines. We probably would have arrived at this milestone sooner if I wasn’t so goddam lazy, but let’s not think about that. Instead, let us move forward and take a look at some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines during the week beginning March 25th and ending March 31st. Here they are…

1. peter jennings news – The latest news on Peter Jennings is that he’s still dead.

2. erin esurance nude – Isn’t it funny how no one ever searches for Pearl Slaghoople nude?

3. terrapin logo how to make drawings – By using a series of commands, procedures, and superprocedures. This is a supremely vague question. Do you fucking know ANYTHING about Terrapin Logo?

4. dragons fucking girls – I imagine that would require a whole lot of lube and even then, the girl would probably still get ripped in half.

5. punch out bad bull – His name is BALD BULL, motherfucker!

 
6. wwe soper stars – You fucking moron, soperstars is one word! Christ, EVERYONE knows that!

7. andrew jackson cartoon – Here’s something I threw together in under three minutes:

8. hot girls with bowed legs – Well…

I like to swimmin’ with bow-legged women and swim between their legs!
Swim between their legs!
Swim between their legs!
Yes, I like to go swimming with bow-legged women and swim between their legs!
Swim between their leeeeeeeeegs!

9. how many jaws games were created for the nes – Just the one.

10. neopets faeries hentai – You know what? Neopets sucks some major ass, so I’d actually kind of enjoy seeing their characters being subverted and perverted.

      This concludes FWSE #100. If you’re lucky, maybe there will eventually be a hundred more. Maybe even TWO HUNDRED more. Nah… I bet I’ll get bored before then.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      It’s time for yet another edition of Fun With Search Engines, the weekly site report where I take a look at some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into various search engines. This FWSE report is for the week beginning March 18th and ending March 24th. And now it begins…

1. nes games – They really exist. I’ve seen them.

2. ultimatefierce hentai – Um… WHAT!?

3. nes games new zealand story – TNZS was released for the NES as Kiwi Kraze:

 
4. fairly odd parents porn – I imagine that the words fairly odd and porn are NOT a winning search combination.

5. who said you could eat my cookies – Your roommate. He said you probably wouldn’t mind. He also said you’re kind of a dick and he didn’t really care if you got upset or not.

6. girls who like to flashing – Girls who like to flashing probably only hang out with boys who like to having a firm grasp of the English language.

7. yackety schmackety blah blah cartoon – That was Tazmania. Taz’s dad would say something like that.

8. cute beautiful girls raped roughly – Cute and beautiful are different degrees of prettiness, with beautiful being higher up on the chain than cute. Ergo, there’s no such thing as a cute beautiful girl; she’s either one or other. Oh, and rape is wrong.

9. is birdo a boy or a girl – Birdo was originally a boy, but it was retconned to be a girl.

10. super punch out how to beat macho man – Wait outside the venue in that dark alley over by the side door that competitors enter through. When Macho Man walks by, pull him into the shadows and slit his goddam throat. That how’s I did it anyway.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      Guess what? It’s once again time for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly site report where I take a look at some of the keywords that brought visitors to my site. This FWSE report is for the week beginning March 11th and ending March 17th.

1. kurtis stryker’s rocking page – Ah yes, the Stryker page. I haven’t checked Stryker’s e-mail in quite a while. I imagine it’s filled with spam, fan mail, and threatening letters from Captain Stabbin’s billing department. But mostly spam.

2. sly cooper hentai – NO MORE FUCKING HENTAI SEARCHES!!!

3. drink diet free pepsi cola in princess zelda vagina – I’m almost certain search was a plant. If it’s not, someone out there has some serious ass issues.

4. develop a game for the snes – You’re about ten years too late, kiddo. Why not develop a game for the GBA instead? It’s like a portable version of the SNES, and it will totally put out if you take it to the prom.

5. the real super mario world – You want to see a few screenshots of the REAL Super Mario World? Are you sure? Are you *really* sure? I warn you, these images will blow your fucking mind. Fine, you can see them. Prepare to be shocked:

It’s like a totally different game from the official U.S. release! That, or it’s exactly the same.

6. vulgarity in the grapes of wrath – I seem to recall the Okies being referred to as “shitheels” a few times, but aside from that, there wasn’t a whole lot of vulgarity. Steinbeck was above that. I, on the other hand, am not.

7. the duck game the one that can fly – I think it’s time for your meds.

8. lesson on how to play zelda on flute – There’s a flute that plays Zelda? That’s gotta be some flute.

9. batman cereal – And now, a shameless plug.

10. how much will nintendo 1985 teenage mutant ninja turtles game cost – That particular game will probably cost you upwards of $5 billion to obtain. First, you’re going to have hire a bunch of physicists and get them to scientifically prove that time travel is possible and define the mathematical circumstances under which it can be acheived. Then you’re going to hire some engineers to work with the physicists to develop and build a machine that’s capable of time travel. Once you have the actual time machine, you’re going to back in time to the early 80s, let’s say 1981, find two guys named Eastman & Laird, and help them to invent the Ninja Turtles and release the first TMNT comic three years before it debuted in our current timeline. Once the comic’s out, you’ll have to help them promote it and turn it into the merchandising juggernaut that it is today. If you are successful in doing this, you will almost definitely ensure that there’s a TMNT game available for the Nintendo Entertainment System when it launches in the United States on October 18, 1985. If you don’t have $5 billon dollars lying around, you can always play the 1989 Ninja Turtles game by Konami. The 1989 game is the earliest Nintendo TMNT game that exists in our current timeline and you can get it for like $6 on eBay. Oh, and it kinda sucks.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      Yes, it’s time yet again for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring site report where I review some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into various search engines. This FWSE report is for the week beginning March 4th and ending March 10th. And here we go…

1. mega man 1 7 character list – That sounds a lot like this.

2. image dump – Apparently I’m on the second page of Google’s search results for “image dump”. I guess maybe it’s time for me to update it…

3. fatalities de ermac – Je ne comprends pas. Je ne parle pas français.

4. britney spears with no hair – Personally, I’d prefer Britney with no head. But since you asked for it, and since it’s not hentai, here you go:

 
5. snake fuck game – Uh… WHAT? The closest thing I can think of is Rattler Race, a game that was included in some versions of Windows. In the game, you control a snake who gets longer every time he eats an apple. In Freudian psychology, I’m pretty sure that counts as fucking.

 
6. erin esurance nude hentai – Pass.

7. best way to start original legend of zelda – Insert it into your Nintendo and press the POWER button. When the game boots up, it will tell you to press start; do so. Since this is your first time playing, you will need to register a new save file. Select REGISTER from the menu and input your name. When you are done, you will be returned to the main menu. Select your newly registered save file to start the game. When the game starts, you will find yourself in the center of the screen. You should immediately notice a cave hewn into the rocky terrain above you. Enter the cave and talk to the old man inside to obtain your first sword. Congratulations, you’re well on your way to becoming a ZELDA MASTER!!

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      Rejoice my friends, because it is time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly site feature where I take a look at some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into various search engines. This FWSE report is for the week beginning February 25th and ending March 3rd. Ready? Too bad, here it comes…

1. erin esurance nude – Here’s an idea: instead of searching for cartoon porn, why not do something constructive with your spare time? For instance, you could join the SPLL.

2. top ranked NES games – Well, since it’s one of the few NES games currently available on the Wii Virtual Console, I assume that Taito’s Legend of Kage *must* be one of the top ranked NES games. That or it’s completely fucking awful and the people at Nintendo are assholes for trying to trick people into paying money to play it. It’s definitely one of those two options.

3. dinosaurs – Dinosaurs rule, especially the Henson TV show.

4. maria lutzke – It’s funny how one random reference can get you hits.

5. seanbaby pretentious – Seanbaby, pretentious? In immortal words of Mandy Patinkin, “I do not think [that word] means what you think it means.”

6. police leather gloves – And now, here’s the obligatory FWSE image reply. I think it somes up my feelings on this search nicely:

 
7. how to fuck dead body – I’m just guessing here, but I imagine you’d do it in much the same fashion that you’d fuck a live body. You might need slightly more lube though.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      Now it’s time for Fun With Search Engines, the (weekly?) site report where I review some of the keywords that visitors to SydLexia.com typed into Google and whatnot. This FWSE covers the week beginning February 18th and ending February 24th. And here it comes…

1. is it true that michael jackson rapes little kids – It’s hard to say. In the eyes of the law, it is untrue. Michael Jackson certainly seems to enjoy hanging out with young boys, but no hard evidence exists that demonstrates the King of Pop has ever raped, molested, or otherwise violated any of those children. There are three main camps in the Michael Jackson debate. First, there’s the group of people who believe he’s guilty despite his acquittals. Then there’s his devoted fans who refuse to entertain any thought that he might be guilty despite the fact that he’s been accused several times. Finally, there’s the people who are completely sick of hearing about what Michael Jackson may or may not have done to one or more little boys and simply don’t care about it anymore; I belong to that group.

2. nes game cats – That’s not a lot to go on, but could it possibly be Rockin’ Kats, the 1991 cult classic from Atlus? For anyone unfamiliar with the game, it’s the story of a jazz-loving cat and his incredibly useful boxing glove gun:

 
3. how to make a fatality – Well, you could shoot someone in the face. Or you could drive your car through a crowded farmer’s market. Wait, is this a Mortal Kombat question?

4. fuck shorts – I concur, shorts are stupid. Guys should wear long pants at all times. Girls shouldn’t wear shorts either; skirts all the way.

5. mystery house adventure game – Hey, I’ve played the game. My Mystery House experience can been viewed HERE. Incidentally, it also serves as a convoluted walkthrough of the game.

6. monsters fucking girls – What type of monsters are we talking about here? The kind that have enough to tentacles to penetrate every opening on the human body, or the Adolf Hitler kind?

7. download mugen chars – I still haven’t tried MUGEN, but it looks damn cool Then again, I think Super Cosplay Ultra War is cool.

Well, that makes three weeks in a row. Now leave me alone.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      It’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring site report where I take a look at some of the keywords that visitors to SydLexia.com typed into search engines. This FWSE report is for the week beginning February 11th and ending February 17th. Don’t get up, because the show is about to begin…

1. shitty street fighter 1 1987 – Basically everything you need to know about Street Fighter I can be found in that search query. Street Fighter was released in 1987. It was really fucking shitty. THE END.

2. kill ultimatefierce – Hey now. UltimateFierce is good people. If you try and kill him, you’ll quickly find yourself up against the entire roster of the SydLexia.com forums. Believe me, you don’t want that. We have this one guy, Murdar Machene, he can maim a man five different ways with a hard-boiled egg.

3. bald chicks – Bald chicks are NOT attractive. Not even Robin Tunney in Empire Records. Not even Natalie Portman in V For Vendetta. And especially not the newly psychotic Britney Spears:

 
4. birdo porn – This is probably the most disturbing hentai search that I’ve ever seen. I can’t even begin to imagine how socially maladjusted a person would have to be to get off on Birdo porn. You know Birdo, right? The egg-spitting villain from SMB2? It looks like this:

      It’s sad to think someone could actually beat off to pictures of this thing getting fucked. Even sadder is the fact that if you turn off SafeSearch and do a Yahoo Image search for Birdo, the second picture is Toad giving it to Birdo up the ass. God, I hate the internet.

5. how much did 1989 batman make – According to IMDB, which is where you would have looked if you weren’t a fucking retard, Tim Burton’s Batman grossed an estimated $413,200,000 USD worldwide. And that’s just the box office take. The movie made an additional $150,500,000 in USA video rentals.

6. the wrld gams – You know what’s cool? VOWELS. You should try using more of them.

7. wwe is scripted – If I had a secretary, I’d tell her to file this under NO SHIT, SHERLOCK. I really wish I had a secretary, that would be awesome. And if she was also a nurse, a licensed teacher, and my friend’s hot mom, I could use her to fulfill just about every stereotypical male fantasy ever.

      Well, that was relatively painless. For those of you playing at home, I have successfully posted an FWSE each week for two consecutive weeks. Tune in next week to see I can make it three consecutive weeks or if I’ll fuck off and forget about it.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      After a lengthy absence, it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines. FWSE has been MIA since December 30th, and the reason for that is that I’ve been drunk since New Year’s Eve and I’m just now sobering up. Now, some of you may wonder why if I was able to post on the forums and write two articles between now and New Year’s Eve if I’ve been drunk this whole time. Easy. It’s a lot easier to write stuff when you’re drunk as hell than it is to look at site logs. Have you ever looked at site logs? They’re fucking annoying. Anyway, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. It may be a lie, but it’s a believable lie. It’s the little lie that could. And it’s better than the truth, which is that I’m a lazy douche.

      Honestly, I didn’t think that people would miss FWSE as much as they did. I thought I could get away with not doing it, but many of my forum members were quite vocal on the subject: “Where’s FWSE?” “When are you doing the FWSE?” “Why are you aren’t you writing the FWSE?” And so on and so forth. But now it’s back. So if you’ve been dying to see some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines, look no further, because here it is. This FWSE report is for the 42 day period beginning December 31st and ending February 10th. Ready or not, here it comes…

1. game zoma – The only game I know of with a Zoma in it is Dragon Warrior III, where the final boss bears that name. The game also happens to be the absolute best NES RPG ever, so if you haven’t played it yet, do so now.

2. iam not able perform fatality in mortal kombat deception – Sucks to be you.

3. gamefaqs character battle – I’m far too lazy to fill out predictions for the GameFAQs character battles, but I usually vote in them. Recently, a character battle ended that was far more epic than the every GameFAQs character battle combined: The SydLexia.com Character Battle! The winner was crowned on February 9th and that winner was Tebor, who beat out jonnymorgue and myself in the final round. Congratulations, Tebor

4. all the fun games for boy and girl – There’s only one fun game that a boy and girl can play together and you have to take your clothes off to play it. That game is Parcheesi.

5. crappy NES games – You know what’s not a crappy NES game? SCAT. Isn’t that ironic?

6. stupid taito – You better shut your ignorant inbred whore mouth before I do it for you. Taito fucking rocks.

7. find whistles on super mario bros 3 – I’m probably a *little* biased since I was growing up when this game first came out, but that’s the stupidest fucking question I’ve ever heard. EVER!

8. girl makes video for boyfriend -You’re probably thinking of Libby Hoeller, whose webcam videos have been widely circulated via P2P networks since the year 2000. It’s funny, Libby Hoeller made her videos while attending the University of Wisconsin-Madison and then a few years later, a student from the University of Wisconsin-Platteville named Maria Lutzke made a video for her boyfriend that ended up all over the internet as well. I guess the lesson here is that there’s nothing to do in Wisconsin except masturbate on your webcam. And for the record, the UWP video is way hotter.

9. what is the difference between the wwf and the wwe – A cease & desist order and a whole lot of stagnation.

10. batman is a fucking crap bastard shit – Tourette’s Syndrome is a serious disease. Seriously hilarious, that is.

11. mortel combat pictures – Mortel Combat? MORTEL COMBAT? It takes not one, not two, but three emoticons to properly illustrate the disgust I’m feeling right now:

12. samus taught us that a girl doesn’t need brains to be successful – Damn that’s a good line, I wish I wrote it. Oh wait. I did. Sweet!

13. can you find me a site where you can dress up ariel the mermaid – First of all, a search engine is not a person. The only search engine that PRETENDED to be a person, Ask Jeeves, has morphed into the extremely craptacular Ask.com. And since a search engine is not a person, you don’t need to phrase your search in the form of a question. When you do that, you add unnecessary keywords into your search that make it less accurate. Secondly, no one’s gonna find you a gay ass dress-up site. Not Google, not Yahoo, and certainly not me. You wanna dress up a goddam mermaid? Fuck that. You can dress up Jesus instead.

14. bowser fucking peach – You know, the internet is a pretty pathetic place… a place where one can, in fact, actually find Nintendo hentai. Here’s a heavily edited artist’s rendition of what Bowser fucking Peach might look like:

 
15. mario fucks peach – I think that’s enough hentai for one day. It’s certainly enough SMB-related hentai for one day.

16. black girls over 50 years are fucking – I bet they are, but I sure as fuck don’t wanna see it. I don’t wanna see ANYONE over 50 fucking. I mean, come on. Also, while the terms “woman” and “girl” are semi-interchangeable, a woman stops being a “girl” long before she hits 50. I believe the official cut off is somewhere around 30. So for those of you playing at home, Jennie Garth is no longer a hot “girl”, but Jenna Haze is.

17. kid icarus being an eggplant – Fuck off, you racist son of a bitch! Also, Kid Icarus was white.

18. autistic porn – Once again:

19. porn sites of girls under 18 yo – That’s wicked illegal, yo.

20. dinosaur toys 90s rubber – My best guess would be Playskool’s Definitely Dinosaurs, which were manufactured from 1987 to 1996.

21. nes game – We did not find results for: nes game. Broaden your search by using fewer words.

22. where do christmas movies take place – In a wide variety of locales, both real and fictional.

23. sydlexia krislexia – You stay the hell away from my sister! I’ll fucking kill you!

24. are you afraid of the dark coming back – Am I afraid of the dark coming back? How could I be, when the dark never left. In fact, it’s getting stronger. And if we’re not careful, this growing darkness will consume our very souls.

25. rachel ray nude – I’d rather see the annoying bitch dead than nude.

26. clarissa explains it all – To the best of my knowledge, Clarissa never explained teenage pregnancy.

27. fairly oddparents porn – This comes up a disturbing number of times in the site logs.

28. top competitive nes games – Technically speaking, the three most competitive NES games out there are Super Mario Bros., Rad Racer, and Tetris, as those were three games that were used to evaluate players in 1990 Nintendo World Championship.

29. bubble bobble level 57 – Its NES password is FEJJJ. God, I fucking hate that level:

 
30. bad ass nicknames – Spanky McCracken and Douche McCallister are both good ones… too bad they’re taken.

31. coat hanger abortion diagram – Fantastic.

32. is caffeine free pepsi good for you – Not especially. It’s better for you than caffeinated Pepsi though. To really drink healthy, you should drink Caffeine Free Diet Pepsi. Of course, at that point, you might as well just drink seltzer water.

33. no music on mtv anymore reality shows – Yup, MTV sucks ass. Hell, even VH1 sucks now. Has anyone seen The White Rapper Show? It’s quite possibly the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. The premise is this: skinny white guys with crooked teeth and fat chicks who look more Hispanic than white compete to see whose rhymes suck the least. If you like this show, you should be shot.

34. underrated nes games – The Magic of Scheherazade immediately springs to mind.

35. reality tv and violence – Reality TV definitely leads to violence. Specifically, it leads to me smashing television sets.

36. mortal combat red and yellow robots – Those would be Sektor and Cyrax. And it’s Kombat, dammit!

37. succeed in jungle hunt – That sounds like a command. Luckily, it’s one that’s easy for me to obey.

38. hayden panettiere fake nude pictures – First off, whatever happened to imagination? Secondly, she deserves better than that.

39. nude nes emulator – What does that even mean? You want an NES emulator that’s nude? You want an NES emulator that emulates nude games? I DON’T FUCKING UNDERSTAND!!!

40. kara borden – It may be old news, but it still gets hits for some reason.

41. hillary clinton’s cookie recipe – Heh, more like Nestlé Tollhouse’s cookie recipe.

42. девушки – A magic spell? No wait, it’s Russian. Fucked if I know what it means. It’s probably some creepy porn search, because Russians are goddam perverts.

      Well, that’s it for now. I learned a valuable lesson today: the longer I put off doing FWSE, the longer it takes to finally complete it. Never again will I wait so long to finish an FWSE. Never. Tune in next when Fun With Search Engines will most definitely return for yet another installment.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      And it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly site report where I take a look at some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into, well, search engines. This FWSE report is for the week beginning December 24th and ending December 30th. Since this week included Christmas, you might expect to see some festive searches. Unfortunately, you’re completely wrong. Let’s begin…

1. yo gi oh – Yo-Gi-Oh? I love that guy. He’s smarter than the average King of Games.

2. the world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. it’s a very mean and nasty place – Thank you, Tebor. The Rocky Balboa quote in your signature on the forums has lured several visitors to the site.

3. preteens fucking – On Christmas? ON CHRISTMAS!? I hope you die for this.

4. jill valentine hentai – I have a better idea:

 
5. boys play with my little ponies gay – It’s not necessarily gay, but it certainly ain’t healthy. If you disagree, here’s a suggestion: take that fucking power crystal off your neck, because no one wants to hear your pseudo-intellectual New Age bullsit.

6. fucking games – There’s always Sextris.

7. girls fucking whit hamsters – I thought only Richard Gere did that. And there’s a definite typo there; it’s either supposed to be with hamsters or white hamsters. My guess is white because the kids these days all say wit instead of with.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      Guess what? It’s time for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly SydLexia.com site report where I take a look at some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into various search engines. This FWSE report is for the week starting December 17th and ending December 23th. As always, these are all real searches. Ready? Let’s go.

1. girls – I know my Girls of the NES article has garned some attention, but whoever found my site with this search had an amazing amount of patience. I was originally going to check out exactly how many pages into the Google search results for “girls” that you’d have to find SydLexia.com, but I got bored by the fifth page. However, I did find this site.

2. best christmas movies – This is still one of my favorite articles ever. My only regret is that I didn’t have room for Jack Slater III.

3. contact or mail or email or phone or fax or tel site:www.sydlexia.com – My preferred form of contact for site-related matters is e-mail and my e-mail address appears at the end of every article on the site. It is Syd_Lexia@SydLexia.com.

4. best nes game – Survey says: Super Mario 3.

 
5. you like fat girls – I do like fat girls, so long as they enjoy the site. But I don’t like like them. I also don’t Like Like them.

6. triple h and steph videos – The Triple H’s success in the WWE proves that it’s not who you know… it’s who you blow. If there’s one thing I don’t miss, it’s those shitty Triple H soliloquys from the McMahon-Helmsley era where The Game would come out at the beginning of each and every RAW and waste the first 30 minutes of the program saying THE SAME FUCKING THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN. In conclusion, fuck Triple H. The guy makes John Cena look like Ricky Steamboat.

7. cute shorts with names on them – Shorts with names on them are for whores. Stupid whores.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      It’s been far too long, but now it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the SydLexia.com site report where I review some of the search queries that brought visitors to my site. This FWSE report is for the four week period starting November 26th and ending December 16th. As always, these are all real searches. Let’s begin…

1. cartoon female president – That’s a rather apropos search, because you’ll never ever see a female U.S. president anywhere outside of cartoons. And yes, I do consider Geena Davis to be a cartoon.

2. beach patrol hulk hogan – He likes to party, party, party.

3. animals christmas eve – The book? Here you go.

4. phosporic acid what is it – It’s one of the main ingredients of cola.

5. why mola ram kills people – So that Steven Spielberg and Richard Conway could show off their kickass special effects skills.

6. syd lexia is gay – You’re only saying that because you’re mad I fucked your mom last week. You know, the one who’s been dead for ten years?

7. hayden panettiere – Save the cheerleader, send her to my hotel room.

8. gamefaqs character battle – If you want to learn about the GameFAQs character battles, maybe you should go to GameFAQs. Or you could come to the SydLexia.com forums and vote in our character battle. The chicken from Legend of Zelda: A Link To The Past is currently the favorite to win.

9. lexia raisins – Lexia raisins are not a product of SydLexia.com. Don’t buy them. Send me money instead.

 
10. samus aran hentai – For the last time, NO HENTAI!

11. original rampage nes level count – I’m confused by the use of the word ORIGINAL here. There was only one NES version of Rampage and it was not the original version; the game debuted in arcade. But to answer the actual question at hand, the NES version has 128 levels.

12. all christmas films made – Good luck with that.

13. i hate my fucking boss – That seems more like a blog entry than a search query. It also seems like a good way to get fired if your employer monitors your internet usage. Also, I’d find this search way more interesting if MY and FUCKING were transposed.

14. how to do super punch move – I can’t help you because I don’t know what video game we’re talking about here. I assume it’s a video game anyway, because I don’t recall anyone inventing any sort of super punch move in the real world.

15. best cliffhanger movie – Um, what is… Cliffhanger?

16. contra sucks – The hell you say!

17. medicine for fucking girl – What, like rufies?

18. girlfriend christmas party game – The best Christmas party game to play with your girlfriend is Stuff The Stocking. Incidentally, it’s also a fun game to play with someone else’s girlfriend.

19. best xmas thing – Presents!

20. nes game yoyo – It’s probably either StarTropics or Yo! Noid.

21. forest law vs liu kang – Ah, the battle of the Bruce Lee clones. On the one hand, Forest Law has never been killed, which seems to indicate that he’s the better fighter. On the other hand, Liu Kang is currently an angry undead zombie filled with murderous rage. Also, Liu Kang has fatalities. Advantage: Liu Kang.

22. steven irwin hentai – That doesn’t even make sense.

23. sydlexia hate sites – I wish there were Syd Lexia hate sites out there… that would add a new dimension of legitimacy to my work.

24. buttsex banana blood – That’s gross. You know what? Fuck this. I don’t need this. I’m outta here.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      It’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring SydLexia.com site report where I review some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into various search engines. This FWSE report is for the two week period starting November 12th and ending November 25th. As always, these are all real searches. Let’s begin…

1. erin esurance sex – In case you’re unaware, Erin Esurance is a character from a series of commercials for Esurance, an online auto insurance company:

This means the internet has hit two new all-time lows. First, people are searching for nude pics of a cartoon character from a CAR INSURANCE commercial. Secondly, there are actually some out there.

2. dos mortal kombat and special moves – If the DOS version of Mortal Kombat is anything like the DOS version of Street Fighter II, then you should probably just delete it.

3. fairly odd parents porn – Searching for porn starring your parents isn’t fairly odd; it’s completely fucked up.

4. carstobots.com – Clerks II, available now wherever DVDs are sold.

5. fatality list for mk2 – The Mortal Kombat Fatality Extravaganza is still going strong, but it has been eclipsed in popularity by 100 Best NES Games Ever project.

6. top 100 nes games – If you thought one cheap plug for the 100 Best NES Games Ever page per FWSE was enough, you were wrong.

7. unblockable porn – This keeps showing up in the logs, so I might as well give the people what they want:

 
8. alien fuck games – Finally, a serious question. One of the most popular fuck games in the Retta’ar galaxy is known as Jaxxor. The rules are simple. First, you find a willing female and wrap a Grelnek belt around her. Then, you each take turns trying to quock her nuknok. This game is generally played at birthday parties and inaugurations.

9. girls eat shit – They do? She told me it was just morning breath! THAT BITCH!

10. is the construction industry fucked – After the way they fucked up the Big Dig and fucked over Massachusetts taxpayers, I sure hope so. It would be nice to see the tables turned.

11. how girls are pratically fucking by boys – Yeah I hate how that is happening. At least, I would if I had any fucking clue what the hell you were talking.

12. I hate legends of the hidden temple – Here’s Olmec with a rebuttal:

 
13. how many zapper guns can you use nes duck hunt – You can only use one gun. However, if the game is on Mode A, you can use the controller in the first slot to control the ducks and dick over the person shooting at them.

14. space channel 5 hentai – I seriously doubt there’s any Space Channel 5 hentai out there. If there is, this search won’t end well. After all, Michael Jackson is in the game.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      Now it’s time for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly SydLexia.com report where I take a look at some of the queries that visitors to my site typed into search engines. This FWSE report is for week of November 5th through November 11th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. www.2d play – Whatever site you were looking for is totally gay, unless it was www.2d-sprites.com. If it wasn’t www.2d-sprites, go there instead.

2. cartoon president dead – Bill Clinton and Gerald Ford are both alive well…

3. dorothy lemay naked – I don’t know where you’d find that. Maybe you could try ANY MOVIE SHE WAS EVER IN.

4. preteens free pics – Did you try the JCPenney website? How about their fall catalogue? Oh, you meant underage pornography. Try this then: KILL YOURSELF NOW.

5. why pepsi blue failed – People didn’t buy it.

6. sigourney weaver galaxy quest tits – Sigourney Weaver was fifty when she did Galaxy Quest. Yes, you read that right… FIFTY. I’d still do her though.

 
7. babes you’d like to fuck – You looking for suggestions for girls to fantasize about having sex with? That just screams closet homosexual. That’s the type of subject matter you Google when you want to win the acceptance of those guys who are always hanging out in the dorm lounge playing pool and watching local sport teams on the big screen TV. Sooner or later, they’re going to ask you what celebrities you want to nail and you damn well better be able to rattle off a list of twenty names without hestitation and without accidentally naming Johnny Depp or Liza Minelli, because then they’ll think you’re gay. Because you are. Dammit, I should have left this one for Haddox.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      Now it’s time for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring SydLexia.com site report where I review some of the keywords that brought visitors to my site. This FWSE report is for the two week period starting October 22nd and ending November 4th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. princess peach porn – Nice use of alliteration!  PS: You’re still a loser.

2. don’t ever get it wet keep it away from bright light and no matter how much it cries no matter how much it begs -never ever feed it after midnight – Ah yes, the rules for proper vagina maintenance.

3. drunk driving poster – This is the site’s official drunk driving poster:

 
4. best snes games – I’d like to eventually do a Top 100 SNES Games list to compliment the Top 100 NES Games list, but it’ll probably be quite a while before I am able to do so. But here’s a preliminary top five list:

1. A Link To The Past
2. A Link To The Past
3. A Link To The Past
4. ActRaiser
5. A Link To The Past

5. global guts – Earth’s insides are actually quite unimpressive:

 
6. happy thanksgiving – Not yet, asswipe.

7. fairly odd parents porn – I tried to ignore this search, but it was seriously one of the top 20 searches every day between October 22nd and November 4th. And while I find this to be disturbing in and of itself, the horribleness is multiplied by ten due to the fact the show is called The Fairly OddParents and not The Fairly Odd Parents.

8. kurt cobain – believed gun ownership was an inalienable right.

9. coke vs pepsi taste test – Pepsi is generally considered to be sweeter than Coke, which is why it overwhelmingly beats Coke in taste tests when participants are given a quick swig of each drink. However, people tend to prefer Coke’s taste in the long run, as indicated by its higher market share.

10. the name of the lead actor in the movie the bloodening – The Bloodening wasn’t even a real movie! It was from an episode of The Simpsons. Specifically, it was from S10E11, an episode entitled “Wild Barts Can’t Be Broken. The production code was AABF07. If you really need to know the name of a fake actor from a parody of Village of the Damned, you can either find the episode on a P2P network or you can wait until Season Ten gets released on the DVD. However, I should point out that since no answer to your question exists on SNPP.com, The Simpsons Archive. This means one of two things:

1. The fake movie didn’t have fake credits
2. You’re a bigger dork than even the most diehard Simpsons fans.

11. how to fuck up someone’s car – Hmmm… that’s a tough one. Have you tried a sledgehammer?

12. nes cartoon guy goes into game – That would be Captain N: The Gamemaster.

 
13. NES game island yoyo – That would be StarTropics.

 
14. sheeva mortal kombat hentai – Pass.

      That’s enough for now. Hopefully I’ll have a new article for you tomorrow. I know I’m not particularly good at delivering upon these promises, which is why I used the qualifier hopefully. But seriously, it’ll happen. Hopefully.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      It’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring site segment where I review some of the keywords that brought visitors to my site. This FWSE report is for the week of October 15th through October 21st. As always, these are all real searches. Here it comes…

1. worst nes graphics – I’m not sure what game has the absolute worst graphics, but Legend of Kage is definitely up there:

 
2. vampire duck – You’ll have to be way more specific than that, there’s like a MILLION vampire ducks. First, there’s Count Duckula. Then there’s Dracula Duck from the DuckTales NES game. Then there’s…. OK, so I can only name two. I was only off by 999,998.

3. cousin skeeter transcripts – I am pretty that this search disproves the existence of God. I am quite disappointed in this turn of events as I have always been rooting for His existence.

4. duck tales lunar rat – Here he is:

If you’d like to learn more about Capcom’s DuckTales NES game or the lunar rat, you can read the one goddam article that my lazy ass brother wrote for the site. It’s a good read, but it makes me mad. Every time I read it, I wish he weren’t so fucking lazy.

5. i am an asshole – Maybe you are, but I’m not.

6. porn passcodes – I’m pretty sure that there’s a The Cable Guy reference hiding in there somewhere, but I’m too lazy to make it.

7. snake plissken costume – The main thing is that you need an eyepatch.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

Welcome to Fun With Search Engines, the weekly segment where I take a look at some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. This FWSE report is for the week of October 8th – October 14th. As always, these are all real searches. Ready? Let’s go!

1. top 100 nes games – The 100 Best NES Games Ever has been getting sick amounts of hits. I’m hoping it might translate into more activity on the FORUMS, but so far it hasn’t.

2. flying eyeballs dragon game – I’m not entirely sure, but my first guess would be Irem’s 1989 arcade game Dragon Breed. I don’t know if there’s any actual eyeballs in it, but there are things that kinda look like eyeballs:

 
3. skateboard saftey – Thank you, mysterious stranger. Your shitty spelling ability helped me find and fix an embarrassing typo in my Adventure Island article.

4. pepsi blue ingredients – Will I do the obvious 70s movie reference? Fuck yeah!

IT’S PEOPLE. PEPSI BLUE IS MADE OUT OF PEOPLE!

 
5. my mom looks like abby haygard – Um… good for you?

6. megaman 6 sucks – Mega Man 6 doesn’t quite suck. Sure the storyline is stupid and the gameplay is pretty much just more of the same, but it’s still an okay game. It also doesn’t help that the two best Robot Masters in the game, Knightman and Windman, were designed by North American contest winners.

7. how to suck your own gay dick – Um… wow. Just wow. I like how it specifies that the dick is “gay”. I don’t think sucking your own dick necessarily means you’re homosexual… it just means you’re mentally ill and/or perverse. I mean, I don’t recall the man from Nantucket ever being portrayed as gay, just well-hung and bored. It’s a good thing this is the last one, because I’m going to go throw up. A lot.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

It’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly waste of space where I review some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. This FWSE report is for the week of October 1st – October 7th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. sydlexia – Onyl yuo cna stpo sydlexia.

2. amy rose hentai – I’d estimate that somewhere between 15-30% of web searches that bring visitors to my site are hentai searches or some variant thereof. That’s not as bad as it sounds though, because a significant amount of the site’s traffic comes from direct links as opposed to searches. Any way, back to the hentai. I don’t see the point. Why fantasize about cartoon characters when there are real people you could fantasize about. Like Heroes actress Hayden Panettiere:

 
3. å%94%90è%80%81é´¨ – I imagine this must be a magic spell, like TCELES B HUSP.

4. the world just lost another hulkamaniac – Indeed it did. Rest in peace, Edward Albert.

5. honest cops interroagte – Yes they do. But so do the dangerous cops who play by their own rules, the ones who walk in the gray area between right and wrong. In fact, those cops probably do it better. It’s much easier to hold a gun to a guy’s head and ask him when and where the cartel’s next drug shipment is coming in than it is to take him downtown, give him a warm cup of coffee, and ask him nicely.

6. princess peach has sex with bowser – I seriously doubt that. Even if she does, how is that any of your business? You know who *I* have sex with? YOUR MOM.

7. play super luigi games – Fuck Luigi. Mario is the best.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      Hi there. It’s been a while since there’s been an FWSE, but now it is time once again for Fun With Search Engines. Yes, the recurring site feature where I review some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into various search engines is back with a vengeance. This gigantic FWSE report is for the four period week of September 3rd through September 30th. As always, these are all real searches. Are you ready for it? Are you pumped? If not, you may want to come back later when you’re more excited about this. But if you’re ready, it’s time to tear this motherfucker apart!

1. games featuring michael jackson as a character – Well, first and foremost, there’s the Sega arcade game Moonwalker as well as three console games bearing the same name. In addition to that, Michael Jackson appears in the Sega Dreamcast games Space Channel 5 and Space Channel 5 Part 2 as well as Midway’s Ready 2 Rumble Boxing Round 2.

2. mario fucking peach – I assume you mean this:

 
3. the lost levels in super bros and the lost levels sucks – While your search is a syntax nightmare, I can’t say I disagree with its opinion on the bastardized SNES version of SMB2J.

4. naked people fucking – I think it’s hotter when the girl keeps her skirt on, and maybe some knee-highs too. But the blouse and bra have definitely got to go.

5. funny duck pictures – I don’t know if this counts, but here’s a picture of Donald Duck going apeshit after eating too many red peppers. It’s from Quackshot, a Sega Gensis game made by Sega under license from Disney:

 
6. hentai god – This one could be interesting, depending on what the person was actually searching for. If this user was searching for hentai featuring God, perhaps where He’s doing the Virgin Mary and he’s really pounding her hard, that’s kind of intriguing. There’s not a whole lot of Biblical porn out there and I’d be interested to see some. But if this user was searching for some sort of Hentai God who exists in some sad polytheistic manga cult then it’s retarded.

7. centipede board game – Someone really searched for this? I think that just made my day. Here it is.

8. i want to play punch out – Good for you. I don’t know if you realize this, but you put KEYWORDS into a SEARCH ENGINE. It’s not a fucking magic lamp, it doesn’t take requests, and typing questions or declaritive statements into it instead of a few relevant words or phrases minimizes your results.

9. naked kids – As if this search wasn’t vile enough on its own, it was logged on September 11th.

10. legend of zelda tips – It’s been quite a while since I posted a link to my super awesome Legend of Zelda tips. So here they are.

11. effeminate – My rip of the first PSA from MASK is one of the top Yahoo Video results for effeminate. Go figure.

12. you got owned – Like hell I did.

13. bowser and peach hentia – If you’re going to waste your sad little life searching for cartoon porn, you could at least fucking learn how to spell hentai.

14. republic of marshall islands moon five dollar coin – I have one and you can’t have it. Here it is:

 
15. megaman robot masters – For what it’s worth, Mega Man is two words and it has been two words since the original Mega Man game. Oddly enough, this is not the case with the Robot Masters. In Mega Man, Mega Man 2, and Mega Man 6, the Robot Masters names are presented as one word instead of two. Behold:

 
And to confuse things further, the instruction manuals for Mega Man 2 and Mega Man 6 list the Robot Master names as two words instead of one. I guess the moral here is that Capcom’s NES localization team was pretty sloppy when it came to names.

16. new super mario bros rom – How about this: buy a DS, then buy the fucking game. Both are well worth your money.

17. heathcliff heathcliff no one should – terrify the neighborhood.

18. whomp ‘em review – Whomp, here it is!

19. dorothy lemay died – Well, she’s not on the official list of dead porn stars, nor can I find any claims ANYWHERE on the net that she’s dead, so you’re probably just smoking crack. Lisa DeLeeuw, who appeared in several movies with Dorothy LeMay, died of AIDS in 1993.

20. why wwe sucks – Because Vince McMahon would rather give you two minutes of wrestling followed by five minutes of someone yelling “All hail King Booker!” over and over again instead of seven minutes of wrestling. Because he gives the exact same main PPV events with the exact same outcomes over and over again and feels absolutely no remorse about charging $29.95 for each goddam one. Because untalented retards like Chris Masters don’t get fired when they test postitive for steroids, they just get sent to OVW for a few months. In short, the WWE sucks because Vince McMahon runs an entertainment show instead of a wrestling show, and his warped idea of entertainment seems to be exposing his ass on RAW and dragging Eddy Guerrero’s memory through the mud on Smackdown. If that’s entertainment, how come I’d rather drink Clorox than watch it?

21. neptun sword grapes – I’d make fun of this search, but it’s not nice to mock the austistic.

22. wlvi 56 kids club – With your hosts Paul Wagner and Elizabeth Dann. Sadly, I threw out my WLVI Kids Club membership card because it was cheaply made and it snapped in half. Hower, I do still have an old WLVI Kids Club newsletter, which can be seen in my Summer Cleaning Crapstravanganza article.

23. fucking leila – Which Leila are we talking about fucking? Leila Blitz from Rolling Thunder? Is it perhaps a misspelling of Leela, the Futurama character? Layla from the hit song by Derek and the Dominoes? All in all, if I could pick any Leila to fuck, I’d go with Leyla Milani, the chick from NBC’s Deal Or No Deal and the 2005 WWE Diva Search. I would hit that from every angle:

 
24. batmancereal – Traditionally, Batman Cereal is two words. That’s okay though, as my Batman Cereal article is the #2 result for “batmancereal” on both Google and Yahoo.

25. did roger waters hate rick wright – Well, let’s see… Roger FIRED Rick from Pink Floyd. Using this bit of information, see if you can deduce whether or not Roger used to hate him.

26. donkey lips – For the last fucking time, Donkeylips is one word.

27. pics of kara borden – The easiest way to boost site traffic is to talk about current events. But the fact that Kara Borden still generates hits after being out of the news for months is rather creepy. Then again, so is the Kara Borden photodump. However, the photodump also teaches us a valuable lesson about posting too many pictures of ourselves on public pages – don’t do it.

28. how to make a circle on terrapin logo – Like this: REPEAT 360 [FD 1 RT 1]

      Well, that’s it for now. But don’t worry, there will be ANOTHER new Fun With Search Engines segment on Thursday, one that covers the weeks of October 1st – October 7th. Tune in then, I promise it’ll be there.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.

      It is time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring site feature where I review some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into various search engines. This FWSE report is for the week of August 27th through September 2nd. As always, these are all real searches. Let’s begin…

1. revolution x aerosmith video game – Every time someone finds my Revolution X article, it invigorates me and makes me wish I had more time to put into the site than I do. When I run the world, Revolution X’s status as a video game will be upgraded from steaming pile of crap to cult classic.

2. fuck me one more time – Which one are you again? I forget. Link me to your MySpace to refresh my memory, and we’ll continue negotiations from there.

3. random hentai – I’m normally against hentai because people who look at it are pathetic and stupid. But just this once, I’ll give you some free hentai:

 
4. i hate limited continues – I do too. But without limited continues, there’d be no real incentive for you to devise new strategies and learn to play better.

5. bomberman nude – I’m thinking….. NO.

6. poison november rain lyrics – Are you fucking shitting me? Poison? Poison didn’t fucking do “November Rain”. Poison’s big ballads were “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” and “Something To Believe In”, and while they were great songs, they weren’t “November Rain”. This sort of musical ignorance really pisses me off, but maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’ve seen too many incorrectly named mp3s on KaZaA and I’ve finally snapped.

7. go away you fucking scrollbar – An interesting idea. But without the scrollbar, how do you propose that we signify there is more to a webpage or document than is presently visible as well as gauge its length? And how shall we navigate lengthy pages without a scroll bar? If you can provide viable answers to all these questions, then maybe scrollbars will go away. If you can’t, then quit your whining, you fucking crybaby.

This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.